Joni Mitchell: Harry's House/Centrepiece
Harry
This morning Jeff called and wanted to know if Essie and I would like to put out a press release announcing our marriage. It was funny to me that the thought hadn't really crossed my mind yet when it was such a logical inquiry. I didn't know which decision to make and simply thinking about how I wanted to announce my nuptials made me furious. I didn't want to announce them at all. I wanted it to be a marriage between myself and Essie, without any complications, without the fuss and the fanfare. Realistically I understood Jeff simply wanted to get in front of the headlines, but I somehow assumed we'd have our privacy forever. A problem even bigger than having to assign someone with writing that press release was broaching the topic with Essie. I knew where she stood on the fame part of my life and how she wanted to protect us and our relationship as best as she could. I also knew she would understand why we needed to figure out a way to inform the public, but I would do anything to keep us inside this little bubble for a bit longer.
"You keep drifting to this different dimension of Harry-land and I hate to think it's because of the wedding.", her soft voice intercepted the messy train of my thoughts.
"Sorry, it wasn't my intention. I just don't know how to feel about a certain something we're going to have to do eventually."
"And what is that?", Essie's full attention was now on me, as she set her book down on the duvet.
"Jeff wanted to know how we'd like to announce that we got married... and I just haven't really thought about having to do that.", her face didn't emit any signal as to whether she was surprised by this, much like I was, or if it was obvious to her that this was something we'd have to do.
"Oh. I haven't really thought about it either. How would you like to do it?"
"Honestly, I have no fucking idea,", she laughed, and the sound assured me that we'd be fine as long as we remain clueless together, "it feels odd doing a press release like 'To whom it may concern, Essie and I got married last Saturday afternoon, peace, the Styles', doesn't it?".
"Well you're obviously not going to phrase it like that, you doofus. But I do get where you're coming from, press releases are traditionally a form of announcing something – a new brand, a collaboration or a merger in the business world... not a marriage, even though it kind of is a collaboration or a merger if you think about it. 'The Styles – Robinson remix, up and running since this summer, please hesitate to contact for more information'.", she chuckled.
Sitting in our bed at 10 in the night, just giggling about putting out a press release about our wedding was an anecdote I never wanted to forget. The absurdity of it made us laugh even more, until our tummies hurt and tears streamed our faces, each worry gliding away with them.
"Let's circle back to that one in the morning, because I see you have about 7 to 10 puns ready to drop at any moment. Although, I have to say that I don't see why we need to do anything. We can go about living our lives privately because we don't owe anything to anyone."
"I agree, but I think Jeff is right – we have to do something to confirm it because if only one photograph of me in a wedding dress comes out and we don't confirm or deny they will never leave us alone. It's better to tweet 'hitched' with a photo of our rings then try ignoring them away. We'll handle the details tomorrow because day is smarter than night.", Ess leaned over to kiss me, "Now go to sleep, you PR genius.".
Estee's soft, deep breaths told me she was fast asleep, but I kept turning from one side to the other, unable to stop thinking about reconciling the two parts of me – the private and the public. I loved what I did, there was nothing like the rush a concert gave me and the hum in my ears from all the screams usually charged my social battery better than a tropical holiday ever could. But I did wonder what my life would look like if I were a simple nobody. Just a man with a job and a life. Not Harry, the artist that got photographed at every corner and asked for an autograph during a food shop. But instead Harry, the literature professor that could take his family to the park for a picnic without worrying about his kids' faces ending up front page of The Sun. And moreover, do the pros really outweigh the cons of this job? Was this something I was willing to sacrifice a big chunk of my family life to keep? There were far too many questions that I just couldn't figure out the answers to, but it didn't stop me from staying up half the night pondering them.
Essie
I woke up before Harry, which wasn't that unusual, but ever since the pandemic started he's gotten into a routine of getting up before me and working out. He wasn't sleeping peacefully, a frown disrupting the usually soft skin of his forehead. I knew there was something bothering him, but I'd learned enough about Harry by now to understand that he would share his worries with me in his own time. As much as I wanted him to come to me immediately with any and all concerns, he sometimes needed space to process them. My progress in terms of openness and embracing the love was something I rarely even thought about anymore, because I honestly couldn't remember the person I was before this. But I knew that Harry was fairly good at sharing the burden of most of the issues he encountered day to day, which meant this was a bigger picture problem that he had to grasp on his own first.
Nobody ever told me how when you start loving someone as much as I love him, you truly want to take on all of their struggles and do everything as a unit. It was actually strange how little I thought about preserving my individuality, because I was never afraid of losing my true self to the couple. That used to be one of the excuses on my never-ending list of reasons why I'm better off single. The truth was it was stupid to think that being in a relationship with someone would make me lose who I was, since I had no idea who I was then.
"Hey, what are you doing up so early?", I picked up immediately when I saw Ramona's name on my caller ID.
"I was expecting a mortuary jingle, hate to say it but you disappointed me so early in the morning."
"Well it's 8 am, and when I see Ramona calling at 8 am – I panic. What's up?"
"Nothing, just wanted to see if you fancied a walk with the dogs?", it was unusual for her to want any social interaction before noon, so I said yes and got both the dogs ready for a long walk. It was a strange jump from having just Bono to also having Ziggy who was quite a needy dog. Now I had to carry a rucksack with special treats, two bottles of water and two separate travel bowls for each of the pups, some toys that help with Z's anxiety and wipes to clean his paws before he gets into the car because he physically shakes when he's dirty. I wondered if this was close to motherhood in terms of taking twice as long to get them ready than I spent on myself.
"Hello stranger.", Ramona embraced me from behind.
"Oh come on, it hasn't been that long since we last saw each other...", she gave me her infamous side-eye.
"It's been at least ten days, but it doesn't matter. What have you been up to?"
"Honestly, I think we both spend the majority of our days on the phone with the last-minute checks for the wedding. It's exhausting and I cannot wait for it to be over.", Ramona's loud laugh rang through the empty park.
"It cannot be that bad and you have to be very thankful that I'm not recording you right now, because that sentence would sell so many magazines. 'Essie Robinson, the future Mrs Styles, cannot wait for her wedding day to be over, sources close to the couple say'. What's up?", she was right, that sentence would sell many magazines, and that was part of the issue.
"Nothing specific, but I think something is up with Harry and he's not yet reached the stage of sharing. I have a premonition it has to do with Jeff asking him if he wanted to do a press release to announce our wedding, but I'm sure there is more to it."
"What do you think could be bothering him?", I sometimes forgot Ramona was studying to become a psychologist, and it surprised me how well it combined with her natural intuition.
"Knowing him the way I do, I'd guess it's got to do with family life. We talked recently about having children – not now, of course, but down the line – and now that the question of bringing our private sphere out into the public one has come up... but I don't know if the worry is caused by having to manage my expectations or just his own."
"Well that seems like a genuinely normal worry, given his lifestyle and the job he does. It cannot be easy when your job is something so public and something so many people are invested in. He would likely want it to remain just that – a job, he creates the music because he has to, and it's etched into his being, and he leaves it at the door when he comes home. It's impossible for it to be like that, we know it and he knows it. He can't leave the fact that people all around the world know who he is and what kind of milk he has in his coffee at the door. And if it were just the two of you, it would be manageable. But with the possibility of children – beings that would not have a choice in the matter of how their lives go – it becomes trickier to navigate.", she was spot on, but her analysis didn't change the core issue.
"Would you consider talking to him? Or maybe if that's too personal of a thing to discuss with a friend, maybe you could suggest somebody? I know he would feel better if he somehow rid himself of at least part of that burden."
"I can try talking to him, and if he shuts me out then I'll recommend someone, how about that?", I hugged her strongly, wrapping both arms around her slim frame and resting my chin on her shoulder. Ramona wasn't always serious; in fact she was rarely serious... but in all the years I've known her she always did everything in her power to help solve any issues.
Harry
It was almost midday when Essie came back from walking the dogs. Ramona was with her, and our house was instantly chaos – the pups jumping up and down, running from the girls over to my feet, sounds of barks and whines filling the space. Despite having slept for almost ten hours, I wasn't well rested.
"Hey mate, how about we go for a pint and grab something to eat down at the pub? Essie has a date with Gemma, and you look like you could use a cold one.", her offer didn't surprise me that much because it wasn't unusual for us to hang out without Essie, but I had a strong feeling there was something else behind the pint and food.
"Sure. Let me change and we'll go.", as I climbed the stairs, out of the corner of my eye I saw Ess giving Ramona a thankful look. The entire air of mystery around me was utter bullshit, and it was apparent by the way that woman was able to read me even when I did my best not to transfer my issues onto her.
People rarely saw Ramona as the serious friend you turn to searching for advice. That role was always Becks' in their friend group but all three of the girls were very insightful and knew just what the people around them were going through. It was one of Essie's best and worst characteristics, because she understood by your demeanour when to leave you alone and when to push on certain things... only problem was that it also made you rubbish at hiding something from her, even if the point of concealing your feelings was to protect her.
"How have you been Styles? What's up?", that was the most 'beat around the bush' way she could approach me, and I was kind of thankful for it.
"Not much, but my head is sort of in a balloon of possible scenarios and what-ifs about the future. I don't know if Estee told you we talked about kids, and it just got me thinking about what life would look like if we did have them."
"What do you mean? How does the possibility of kids make you feel?", she sounded like a shrink, but I didn't mind talking to her about it, because we always had a weird dynamic of being able to talk about serious things and then crack a stupid joke within minutes.
"I guess I'm worried about how my career could affect all of our lives. Children change your priorities completely, and I don't know how to reconcile that with my current lifestyle. For instance, what happens if Ess gets pregnant as I head on tour? Will I be able to forgive myself for missing half her pregnancy or the birth, due to being on the other side of the world jumping around on a stage somewhere in Japan?"
"Okay, but that's why people plan families. It's possible to time certain big life changes so that you're not on tour when it happens and you have enough free time to be there for Essie and the kid after they are born.", I knew she was right about that, but it didn't do much to burst the bubble of worry that rested over my head.
"Sure, but what about first steps, words, first day of school, learning how to swim or play an instrument? My life runs in cycles of being at home, in the studio and then on tour. It has been like that for the majority of my adult life, and we've been able to make it work with just us and the dogs, but kids aren't dogs, and we can't just drop them off at your place of with Becks. It wouldn't be fair to dump all of that on Ess and leave her to raise kids on her own while I gallivant across the world, but I also wouldn't know how to drop everything and become a stay-at-home parent."
"Yeah Harry, but that's the thing... you are going to sacrifice something. Shorter tours, more time between records, less public appearances. You can't expect to have your cake and eat it too, it doesn't work that way, I'm afraid.", this was why Ramona was one of the best people I knew – she told it like it was, never sugar-coating to spare your feelings.
"How do I do that? How can I have kids if there's even a possibility of some stranger with a camera following them to school or to the park?"
"Mate, that part of your life will never go away. Even if you decide to leave the public part of your life behind, people will always know who you are, and your kids will always be known as your kids. That isn't something we can change so I'd suggest coming up with a general plan for the next five, ten and fifteen years – when you want to have kids, how you're both going to adjust your schedules and work obligations during the first years of their lives, will they go with you on tour or will they stay home while you're working, will you ever show their faces in public or will you sue anyone that doesn't blur their faces on magazine covers? But you have to be aware that despite all your best efforts to preserve their privacy, they will end up on magazine covers...", she reached out and put her hand over mine, squeezing lightly, "there is no point in dwelling on things you cannot change, but instead figure out the narrative you can control.".
I knew she was right, and that was probably why her words stung. I selfishly thought I would always have the choice when it came to the lives of my family and that wasn't the case. Fame, however stupid it made me feel to describe myself as a famous person, wasn't something you could turn on and off, flicking the switch up or down. It was there to stay and no matter how hard I tried to protect them from it, they'd never be completely safe. It was doable, because so many of my colleagues had families and they managed to live happy, somewhat secluded, lives when they weren't touring or promoting something. But their lives also included being up on a stage, having your photo taken when you stepped outside and complete strangers feeling entitled to pry into your privacy. Whatever we ended up deciding, Ramona was right – Essie and I would have to sit down and make an extensive list of things we'd be comfortable with and others that were definitely a no for us.
It was strange that however much I preached to Essie, in the beginning of our relationship or even before we began, that she had to open herself up and share all her concerns with me, that being part of a couple meant that you talked things through and came to decisions together – I sometimes struggled to do just that. It wasn't fair to either of us, so I concluded that we'd have to figure it out together.
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Another day, another chapter. Hope you've been well :)
I found the song choice for this chapter really fitting, since it talks about these two personas - the professional and the private, and if you're ever able to reconcile them.
All is coming together nicely, and you honestly don't have to worry because I don't plan on sprinkling a lot of drama to the end of this story, they deserve better :D
Warm embraces,
x T