Rebel Rebel |harry styles| - ongoing

EIGHT

Fleetwood Mac: Go Your Own Way

Essie

The smell of coffee woke me up... It took my brain a little while to replay the film of last night, but I remembered. First, I saw Ed and then I drank too much, Harry took me home eventually.

"Harry?", I called out from the upstairs and heard some banging coming from the kitchen.

"I'm in here, come have breakfast.", he replied.

"Thank you for staying.", these words felt tiny and insignificant in comparison to what I was feeling, but actions do speak louder than words and I'd have to work hard to repay Harry his kindness.

"Do not mention it, I'm your friend."

We ate in silence, the morning news offered background noise and Bono whined watching us stuff our faces.

"We're gonna practice some yoga now. Nothing better to clear the mind. Then we'll talk, okay?", I dreaded the conversation because I knew I had to be honest with Harry. I couldn't fake anything, and that meant that I had to admit it to myself for the first time.

Lots of love in and lots of love out really helped, those breathing techniques were easily the best thing about yoga thus far.

"Would you like some more coffee?", Harry went into the kitchen and grabbed two cups after I nodded. I made myself comfortable on the sofa, mentally preparing for what was about to come out of me.

"I met Ed when I was twenty. I was the photographer on a shoot he did, I worked for a magazine back then. He was persistent about asking me out and I finally caved, so we started dating. The first year was wonderful... we were still getting to know each other; it was all very naïve and innocent. He made sure to surprise me with something new for every date we went on, I was very affectionate, and things were going well. Then it became real and I freaked out, because I didn't know how to be with someone. He was obviously a well-known public figure, even more so at the time. I was just a kid. When I observed Becks with Pierce, I always saw a lot of love, a level of devotion I simply couldn't reach with Ed. So, I did what I felt was right – I pretended. He knew I wasn't fully there, and I knew it... we both just turned a blind eye. One time the press wouldn't leave us alone for a whole month, after one of his series aired. We forced the relationship for another year and then we both sort of gave up...", Harry was listening very carefully, I could almost see him memorising every word and making mental notes of all the questions he had.

"But he said four years?", he wouldn't let me finish.

"I'm getting there. So, two years in, we gave up on building the trust and the friendship. It was easier for us to just be together as we were – we went to parties, I showed up at his premieres, he supported my exhibits, but we were a shell of a couple. Nobody knew about this, not even Becks or Ramona. We pretended that we were this happy pair for everybody's sake. I honestly couldn't tell you why I did it, because I was so young and there was no need for me to fake happiness. It wasn't like we were married or had kids and there was something to salvage. I guess we were just terribly busy with our careers, and it was easier to remain together than to break it off. We never fought, we never even got into arguments. After three and a half years he finally stopped trying to conceal that he was seeing other women. I knew he was doing it; he was just much better at hiding it at the beginning. Anyways, some photos surfaced in the press and it finally gave us both an out.", I waited for his reaction, desperate for him to tell me something, anything... I couldn't have him thinking I was a woman scorned because that was the farthest thing from reality.

"What happened next?", it looked like he wanted to get the full story before casting judgement.

"We ended it via text message, he came and got his stuff from mine in the middle of the night and we never saw each other again. Until last night, that is. Becks came over the next morning and I put on a façade, it was my most skilfully played role to this day – the heartbroken girlfriend. I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't sad or angry or destroyed. I couldn't face my best mate and tell her I was relieved it ended how it did because I knew I wouldn't have had the guts to break it off myself. Ramona was furious, she wanted to egg his house and troll him on twitter. It all died down after a couple of weeks, I got swept up by work and we never spoke of it again. That's why Becks was so awkward last night, and Ramona looked like she wanted to give him a black eye."