I've known her for months now and saw her as a friend for most of it, and then one day, it just clicked that I enjoyed her company. Seeing her once a week wasn't enough; I wanted to be with her all the time but I held back. What if she doesn't like me back? Our friendship was too important to lose.
I'm quite boastful when in love, loving to court and be courted. I've had past girlfriends tell me I can be overbearing at times which caused me to be self-conscious in how I express myself. I'm much better than I was before but still come on quite strong.
Clara is the opposite of me—quiet and shy. If she knew how I truly felt, she'll run for the hills. Despite being a sensitive, fragile person, she often holds back so it's difficult to tell how she feels about me. Luckily, I knew how to elicit a response from her and I can lay on the flirting.
It was Monday, the day of her interview. I wasn't sure what time her interview was so I texted her in the morning wishing her good luck.
Good luck on your interview. x
Despite us having each other's number, we don't call or text each other often. There was really no need to as we always had things figured out. Our driving lessons were always on Saturday around 3 PM.
On Mondays, I have calculus in the morning and computer programming in the afternoon. Despite only having two lectures today, I still have a full day's worth of reading and assignments to do. After my calculus lecture, I went to the library to work on my homework for computer programming. Even though we only had five problems, each question was a bitch to solve. I was trying to write the code for a random password generator and got to work, defining lowercase and uppercase characters along with numbers and special characters.
import random
LOWERCASE_CHARS = tuple(map(chr, xrange(ord('a'), ord('z')+1)))
UPPERCASE_CHARS = tuple(map(chr, xrange(ord('A'), ord('Z')+1)))
DIGITS = tuple(map(str, range(0, 10)))
SPECIALS = ('!', '@', '#', '$', '%', '^', '&', '*')
SEQUENCE = (LOWERCASE_CHARS,
UPPERCASE_CHARS,
DIGITS,
SPECIALS,
)
It was noon so I decided to stop before I got too into it or else I'll miss lunch and have to go to lecture hungry. Clara hadn't replied to my text which was unusual. She's usually more responsive but perhaps she was nervous and avoiding distractions. I stared at the screen wondering if I should send another text but decided against it as I didn't want to be too pushy. She'll reply when she wants to. I couldn't focus on what my professor was saying because my mind always wandered back to Clara. To make up for it, I read the textbook and tried to make sense of my notes.
It wasn't until dinner that I knew something was wrong. The interview should be done by now and it shouldn't be too much of a hassle to text me how it went. A simple "it went well" would've sufficed but there was nothing from her. Perhaps she was still upset at me for asking joke interview questions.
I had fallen asleep on the couch and my phone was vibrating with an incoming call. I sat up, looking for my phone which was on the floor and was quick to answer it as I knew the person was almost going to voicemail.
"Hello?" I asked.
"It's me—Clara. Sorry for missing your text message. My phone died and I had to go to my interview. We didn't have time to get a new phone until later." She was out of breath trying to explain the whole situation but I honestly didn't mind. I was happy she wasn't upset at me.
"Don't worry about it. I just wanted to wish you good luck. How'd it go?"
"It went well until they asked me a question that caught me off guard. I panicked and answered without thinking and looking back, I realized my answer wasn't the best." You could tell by her tone that she was upset about it and despite everything else going well, she was beating herself up for it.
"What was the question? Did they ask if you were married, in a relationship, or single?" I joked and she burst out laughing.
"I'd rather they ask that! Why'd you ask me that, by the way?"
She's usually not this direct with me and to be honest, I wasn't expecting her to ask that so I had no answer. I quickly tried to think of an excuse to get out of answering it.
"You didn't answer my question," I teased. She was silent for a moment before answering.
"They asked me how long I planned to stay and I couldn't lie so I told them the truth."
"And that was...?"
"Until I have to move again."
It was awkwardly silent that you could hear a pin drop. The both of us knew that wasn't a smart answer despite her honesty. I can see why she wasn't sure she'd get the job. Companies prefer someone who will stay with the company for a long time as it's a huge investment to hire and train someone only to have them leave after a few months.
"Erm...I'm sure they appreciate your honesty. You tried your best and that's what matters. If you don't get the job, it's because a better opportunity is coming your way."
"Thanks for not lecturing me like my parents did. I felt so bad that I barely ate all day but now I'm starving."
"You should eat," I said, frowning.
"Yeah." I could hear movement from her end as if she was making her way to the kitchen. "Now answer my question."
"What question?"
"Why'd you ask if I was married, in a relationship, or single?"
I was glad she wasn't around to see the blush on my cheeks. There were two options: tell her the truth or lie that it was a joke. But if I lie, she'll never know how I feel.
"I was curious. You cancelled on me a few times but didn't tell me why so I just assumed you were seeing someone," I answered honestly.
"You're the only friend I have. Who else would I be seeing?" she asked. "And I guess I wasn't being honest with you about what I've been up to. Do you promise not to judge me?"
"'Course not."
"I'm seeing a therapist. All the stress lately hasn't been good for my mental health. I didn't want to tell you because I was embarrassed."
"What's embarrassing about taking care of yourself?" I asked back. She was silent, surprised by my answer.
"Thanks Van," she finally answered. "What did I do to deserve you?" It made me sad she didn't think she was worthy enough but I didn't know how to tell her.
"People who give you shit for seeing a therapist can do one. Knowing that doesn't change anything between us. I'm still your friend and I appreciate you opening up to me. I know that took a lot of courage so thank you."
My words didn't sound honest and I wondered if she could tell. It's not that my words weren't sincere. They were for the most part but I wish I could be honest about how I felt with her.
"Why don't...why don't we go out and celebrate? Dinner on me tomorrow?" I asked.
"What is there to celebrate?"
"You went in for an interview and tried your best and you opened up to me."
"Those aren't things to celebrate about...."
"Yes they are. I'll come pick you up at 5:30 PM." She wasn't thrilled nor in the mood to celebrate but agreed anyway.
When I hung up, I felt an emptiness in my chest. Despite having just talked to her, I already missed her and wished I could comfort her. I knew I was going to have to take care of her if we were ever going to be more than friends. The fact that I was willing to try scared me because I know it won't be easy. I'm barely able to care for myself. How am I supposed to take care of another person? And what happens if we're both struggling?
My anxiety can get out of hand sometimes. Focusing on daily tasks becomes difficult and I get restless, unable to sleep. I've not talked to my doctor about it but I know it's something I should bring up some day. In the meantime, I've been using other means to cope with it, none of which are actually fixing the problem. To stop myself from thinking too much, I put my textbooks away and got ready for bed.
.
.
Tuesday
My friend and I were working on calculus homework in the library. Despite it being a library, some talking is allowed. There were students having conversations about homework and some were straight up socializing. I absentmindedly ran my hand through my hair, frustrated at this one problem I was on but stubborn enough to not ask for help yet. Perhaps I'll figure it out when my mind isn't always going back to Clara.
There were bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. I spent all night wondering if we were a good match. As friends, we were fine but as lovers, I wondered if we would tire and get fed up of one another. We only see each other once a week which isn't enough in my opinion. Will I suffocate her wanting to be with her every minute of the day? It worried me how only a week ago, we were just friends but now I'm picturing my life with her. And the worst thing was that I haven't done anything to move things along!
"Are you alright?" my friend asked. I straightened up wondering what made it look like I wasn't.
"Yeah. Do I not look okay?" I asked back. Rob smiled faintly; it was clear he didn't want to answer.
"You've been stuck on the same problem for ages now." He pointed to my notebook which was still empty and I laughed.
"I think I'm done for now. My brain is fried." I began gathering my stuff, trying to find room for my books in my bag.
"Do you have any plans this Saturday?"
I stopped fighting with my notebook which didn't want to go in. How did it fit in there earlier? And Saturdays are for Clara.
"What's happening on Saturday?" I asked, not wanting to commit just yet.
"I've been invited to Jack Peterson's birthday party this weekend but don't want to go by myself. He said I can bring a friend and I thought of you."
I'm not one for house parties. They were fun as a teenager but get tiring quickly. Either that or I'm getting too old for that shit. Rob studied my face and saw I wasn't interested.
"I'd love to but I'm teaching Clara how to drive a manual transmission for her test," I answered.
"Who's Clara? Why don't you bring her to the party after you're both done?"
He seemed desperate to have company and I felt bad saying no so I agreed to go. I was running out of excuses because I could go to the party after we were done like he said. Something told me Clara wouldn't be interested but I'll ask her anyway. This could be an opportunity for her to meet someone besides me. Plus I think she'll like Rob. The worst that can happen is that she'll say no. I'll be going to the party regardless.