Margo
~
If there's one thing I've learned from being in this shit hole seven damn times, it's that my thoughts are my biggest enemy.
There's nothing to distract me here. My phone and other electronics are confiscated, I can only watch TV in the common area with other sick people, and all their "activities" are ass.
So that leaves me with my thoughts. Every single one of them gets louder and louder. I can't ignore it. The only time I can is when I'm smoking. Bell tends to do a good job of distracting me too, with all her weirdness and all. Oh, and that Collin guy seems to be... nice.
I guess reading isn't the worst thing in the world. There isn't a library or anything, but they do have a small collection of books and if I have one in mind, Nurse Penny usually finds a way to bring it to me.
Nurse Penny is singlehandedly the only good thing to happen to this place. God, I love that woman.
This new medication I'm on has me all kinds of exhausted. At least I'm not having massive suicidal ideations or any of the other seventeen million fucked up things my bipolar disorder puts me through.
This time wasn't really my fault, but God forbid anyone believes me about that. It's really messed up that just because I'm not eighteen I don't have the right to decide if I'm locked up or not.
Do these people really think my parents give a damn about what happens to me? They just don't want to deal with me because I'm not normal as the rest of them. Marley is the only person who ever really loved me on this frightful planet.
Now I can't even see Marley. I can when my evil vulture parents allow her to see me. How are you gonna ban your children from seeing one another? Fucking assholes.
I pace around my bedroom, trying to slow my racing thoughts as the horror show that is my life whips through my brain.
Clearly, this medication isn't working. I suppose I should "give it time," as they say, but I already know it'll be the same. It always is.
I try to find things around my room to distract me. The mirror is all that catches my attention. I stand in front of it, glancing at myself, analyzing every last detail of the girl in front of me.
She's unfamiliar.
I don't recognize myself sometimes. The way my hair falls around my chubby cheeks and the dark circles that have appeared over the last few months. I don't like the girl before me because she let him take advantage of her.
I still cannot believe I let myself be so stupid. I've been labeled as many things in my life, but I could confidently say that stupid was never one of them.
It is now, though, because trusting X was fucking stupid. The dumbest thing I've ever done and the dumbest thing I ever will do. Trusting any man should be classified as a symptom of insanity.
The worst part is that I can't blame it all on him. Yeah, he's a fucking asshole and yeah, he ruined my life and basically nearly killed me; but, I'm the reason I'm still here.
It's always me.
I stare into my eyes blankly, feeling nothing like the girl I see.
The girl I see is a girl I don't like.
I know who I am.
I'm Margo July and there's no hiding from it. It's hard to ignore when doctors are shoving diagnoses and medications down my throat. And yet I'm still here. All because I let myself get carried away. I let my manic side take over and convince me that-
Ow.
I look up to see my fist against shattered glass, the mirror in front of me now in pieces all over the floor.
Well, fuck.
It's not long before the nurses come rushing in, bombarding me with questions and coming to my aid. I just zone out, letting their voices drift away and the walls around me disappear.
I don't want to deal with any of this anymore.
My hand is wrapped up and Nurse Penny's voice finally pierces through the fog.
"Margo, honey, what happened?" She holds my non-injured hand gently, her eyes kind and gentle.
I stare back at her, feeling empty. "I don't really know. I was tired of thinking." That's the truth, right? I'm not thinking anymore.
I start laughing for no reason now, looking at my injured hand and simply laughing.
"What's funny, Margo?"
"Stop saying my name, okay? Can you just- can I be alone?" I don't like to snap at the nurses, especially Penny, but I just want to sleep. I want to calm down and feel better later.
Penny nods her head in understanding, standing to her full height and placing a cup of water on my nightstand. "Sure, Margo. If you need anything, press the button, okay?"
I nod, laying on my bed and turning away from her. They cleaned up the shattered glass and removed my now broken mirror from my room. I wasn't even supposed to have the mirror, and I'm sure I'll hear about that in therapy.
I choose not to worry about any of this, though, and let myself drift off as my breathing steadies and my eyes close.
~
I wake to the sound of knocking at my door. Soft little pats that are just loud enough for me to hear.
I begrudgingly roll out of bed and drag my feet to the door. I swing it open, resting on it as I look at the person that ruined my sleep.
Bell. Of course. "What do you want, Bell?"
Bell and I have become friends over our last few visits. Our parents both keep throwing us away here and using our mental illness as a means to lock us up. She's cool.
Bell jerks at the sharpness in my voice but quickly recovers. "Oh, um, I-uh, haven't seen you all day and just wanted to make sure you weren't, like, dead or anything, but I can go."
I sigh. "I'm not dead, unfortunately. What time is it anyway?"
"Around seven. Dinner is still on if you want to get something."
I leave my door hanging open and grunt as I pull my navy blue zip-up from my closet and pull it over me. "Let's go,"
Bell and I walk towards the cafeteria as she rambles about some new show she was watching in the common area today. I tried to listen, but eventually, I tuned her out like everything else. I don't do it on purpose, I simply can't sometimes.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Bell asks, her voice barely above a whisper.
I look down at her, sighing heavily. "I'm not, but I'm fine. I'll be fine."
Bell watches me with sad eyes as we make our way through the dinner line, grabbing trays and filling them up with disgusting cafeteria food. I went for the pasta, as it seemed the least disgusting. I grabbed three chocolate chip cookies too, because why the fuck not?
I go to sit at a table far off from most of the other patients. It's in the corner next to a bar-covered window. Bell hesitantly follows me and we both take a seat. She's timid next to me as if she's not sure if I'm going to blow up or cry. Either one I don't think she is prepared to handle.
Bell has the most crippling anxiety I've ever witnessed. She's in a perpetual state of sheer worry and nervousness. I haven't seen her calm once since I met her. Even now her hand shakes slightly as she brings her fork to her mouth. I'm pretty sure if I put a stethoscope to her heart, it'd be beating 110 beats per minute.
That's what makes her such great company in a place like this. She doesn't feel the need to overshare or even talk much for that matter. Well, except when she thinks I need cheering up, but I think that's because she's too empathetic.
I'm just about to fill the silence with small talk when a tall figure steps into my peripheral vision. I turn to look at the person to see Collin, his hair a mess of chocolate curls at the top of his head and his clothes loose on his frame.
"Are you okay?" He asks, staring at my hand wrapped in bandages. Fantastic.
"Uh, yeah." I shrug him off, glancing at Bell who is trying to hide her attraction to the attractive teenage boy, and failing.
He frowns. "Well, what happened?"
"Not really any of your fucking business," I reply grumpily, no longer facing him and taking a big bite of pasta to keep my mouth occupied.
Bell's eyes widen and she looks at Collin sympathetically. I roll my eyes.
"Oh. Sorry for prying I just wanted to see if you were okay 'cause you weren't in group therapy." Oh, fuck. I'm definitely going to get in trouble for that. Add it to the damn list.
I face him again, taking all my built-up anger and spewing it at him with my words. "I don't need you to worry about me or look for me. Just fuck off, okay? Everyone just fuck off and stay the fuck away from me."
I stand up, pushing my chair back and cringing as it scrapes loudly against the floor. I walk off and storm into my room, throwing myself onto the bed and staring up at the ceiling.
Now why in the fuck did I do that?
~
author's note:
Happy Wednesday & 420 :) lol. Thank you so much for 300+ reads. This book is only getting started and I absolutely adore this story. I hope you're enjoying & I hope that Margo's POV helped you understand her a bit more. Don't forget to vote! <3