HAYAATS POV
After sadeeq left I decided to indulge him a bit. I had written my waec and it didn't seem like admission list would be released soon. I didn't want boredom to be the end of me so I found a new hobby. Talking to sadeeq .what's the worst that could happen anyway?
He was funny not because he was actually funny . His sense of humor was terrible,he didn't understand sarcasm nor got any of my jokes. Maybe mostly because it was dark humor. strangely I liked that about him. And the cutest thing about this all was that he had to hide to talk to me. The danger if he was caught sounded appealing to me. It was like a real life thriller. I loved it . Of course I didn't want him to get caught but my life was exciting and I liked every moment of it.
My waec and jamb result came out and Alhamdulillah I passed with flying colors. I got admission into the University of Maiduguri to study physiotherapy and everything was going well.
Sadeeq was more than just a friend to me .I liked him like ...like, like ,like. He was like my best friend. I would spend hours talking to him and we would always warn each other not to fall in love . "That shouldn't be a problem on my part" I always said . I don't do love sadeeq it's a waste of ....Before I would end my sentence he would finish it for me. Everything was perfect until......
Mom and I went shopping weeks before my resumption and dad drove me to the airport. It felt sad leaving home. I always loved adventure and I was hellbent on making this new phase of my life interesting. It was scary and at the same time exciting. I felt like Jo in little women. Jo was my role model. Such bravery as she left love to pursue her dreams. Too bad she came back home feeling lonely in the end. But sadeeq was my best friend we wouldn't split up like jo and Laurie, because sadeeq wouldn't make the stupid mistake of asking me out. There was a sigh of relief as the thought crossed my mind a tiny bit of disappointment too.
Sadeeq and I were so cool ,he called me every morning and night .I would wake up every morning to his text message and a thousand messages online. He always sent me random messages all the time. I wasn't the sentimental type so I would just thank him for the message and ignore him. If I didn't know better I would say sadeeq had fallen in love with me.
The first time he came to see me in school was after my lectures . He phoned me and told me he sent a package for me and his cousin would deliver it to me. I told his cousin to meet me at my lecture hall since he was also a student there. He pretty much had an idea of the school environment. But to my surprise I came out of my lectures and saw sadeeq. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen. He had this shy look of his and I just kept smiling . It turned out sadeeq came all the way from Kano just to surprise me and I was happy . I missed bullying him and making fun of him. we were talking endlessly and my mouth was running like a broken record until sadeeq hit me with the "will you be my girlfriend" question. I swear, the silence that followed was endless . If a pin had dropped then and there it would have sounded like a rock hitting a concrete." You don't have to reply Hayaat" he said and for a moment I felt relieved but I knew I had to reply some day and I was certain my answer would break sadeeqs heart.
He escorted me back to my hostel . And told me he would be going back the next day.We said our goodbyes and I went to my room.
I didn't sleep that night ,sadeeq liked me with my weird hobbies and strange way of looking at life. I loved having him in my life but I have never even once imagined myself as being in love. I don't know what love feels like but I know I refuse to let my self feel it. There was something about people ,the moment you love them they would leave you. I remember my childhood bestie who threw my shoe in the field and let me look for it for hours and didn't tell me where she hid it and let me walk home with no shoes. I was 8 then but the betrayal is still fresh like out of the oven cake in my brain. But sadeeq was different. He made me happy and didn't take me for granted.
2days passed and I didn't hear from sadeeq . I called to know if he got home safely but his phone was off. He wasn't online and 4 days later still no word from him. I was terrified . What if something had happened to sadeeq? I was worried sick out of my mind and on the 6th day my phone rang and it was sadeeq . I didn't even wait for him to say anything , I started screaming from the top of my voice " how dare you abandon me sadeeq just like that? Couldn't you even text me with someone else's number so I know you are fine? I hate you so much .I was sick and worried about you I couldn't even focus" there was silence on the other end of the call as I ran out of breath ." I love you too "sadeeq whispered. Damn! I never imagined losing sadeeq and that is why I didn't know how I felt about him. I loved him it was as clear as daylight. I didn't want to live another moment of life without him .
So our relationship with sadeeq started smoothly like water running through a glass surface. He was perfect in every way. For the first time in my life , I had someone to worry about apart from my self an it was both scary and exciting. Sadeeq and I would never go a day without talking or planning our future. It wasn't that much of a plan actually. It was simple, we would get married and be happy .
There was a side to sadeeq that was dark and when his demons came they would make him isolate from our relationship and he would push me away. It didn't bother me that he had a side that wasn't all perfect, I just wished he understood that I would be there for him even when the whole world left.
Whenever he was having issues he would go weeks without talking to me. But I refused to give up . Nothing worth while Is ever easy I would say to myself. Love is hard and it required a lot and I was ready to give my all.
Sadeeq would always come back and apologize for ghosting me. In the days when I couldn't reach him, my world would fall apart . Often times I would cry myself to sleep. I didn't know I was so sensitive until then. I felt too much ,be it hate,anger,love, pain I didn't know what moderation felt like .it was as Rumi said " I do not know what living a balanced life feels like,when I am sad I don't cry I pour.
When I am happy I don't smile I glow when I am angry I don't yell I burn. "And the anger that was in my heart was enough to bring an entire city to ash. But I had to swallow all the anger and be supportive . I told him next time his world was falling apart I would be there to help him hold the pieces together . But warned him that the next time he did something like this and abandoned me I wouldn't forgive him.
CHAPTER 5: YOUNG LOVE
Everything went back to normal and we were better than ever. During the holidays sadeeq would come to see me and everyone got to know that we were dating . It came as a shock to pretty much everyone . Dad was happy , everyone knew sadeeq was quiet, and prayerful. No one could say any bad thing about sadeeq . Our relationship had been going on for two years plus now.
School on the other hand was tough. Anatomy , physiology and biochemistry were frustrating the living hell out of me. I knew there would be challenges and I still went ahead to study it . I don't like easy things . I didn't like getting handed things in life. I believed in hard work and consistency. And everything I got easily I never appreciated. So life was nice with a touch of hardship here and there.
Sadeeq took me out during my holiday. We went to a garden and everything was peaceful . In that moment I knew every hardship and trial I would go through in that relationship would be worth it. Serenity embraced me and I was ready to hold on as long as sadeeq was also willing to try. But reality would hit me soon and the sight wasn't something I could imagine in a million years.
There was something about young love or teenage love what ever you see fit to call it. You put all your eggs in one basket and hand it to some one else and often times they drop it. Love to me was like roses and thorns. There could never be one without the other. To me it meant to gain anything in life,you had to be willing to break and bleed at times. Love wasn't Butterflies in your stomach to me. That sounded too cliche. Love came with heavy clouds and thick air. I always believed people were like coins there were two sides to them. And I was willing to embrace any part of them as long as I loved them.
Sadeeq was so faithful and he had no female friends in fact he didn't even have male friends let alone female. I found that cute at first ,but with time it was starting to get exhausting. He didn't have any life apart from our relationship, he was always calling me and finding every opportunity to come see me. He didn't care if I was preparing for tests or exams.He did not know what boundaries meant in a relationship. Always poke nosing in my affairs ,not like how was your day? What did you do ?But more of why did you go out by this time. I thought your lectures were supposed to end by 5. How come you are just arriving now? He wasn't even in maiduguri but he knew everything about my schedule. And I thought that was how love was supposed to be so day by day I started becoming like him. It didn't occur to me how this could be the beginning of trouble . I just assumed there were sides I never knew about and if I truly loved him I would accept him with his flaws.
Once again sadeeq would ghost me, Leaving me with more doubt than certainties. I began questioning if this is how it was going' to be when we got married. How he would drift away and let me die of loneliness. People always say when you love, you shouldn't expect anything in return. But why shouldn't i ? I had poured every thing I had into this. My time,heart, commitment,honesty and I had been brutally true to our relationship. Why then would he just abandon me with no reason at all. I wanted him to stick around . After all we were in this together. I wanted as much as I gave .
And again like all time he always came back with his countless sorrys and I would never leave again and i ,like a fool would give him another chance yet again.
The last straw would be drawn and quartered and I would have no choice but to let go of sadeeq once and for all.
Something terrible happened, Sadeeq got expelled from military school. God knows why. He was in his final year and he had all hopes of becoming an officer. We both had hopes, I was hoping he had a job immediately after he graduated school. I called him as soon as I found out and the response I got was discouraging. He kept pushing me away. It was hard to cope with my studies but I had to do this for sadeeq. I would call him, he wouldn't pick up. When he eventually did, he would end up saying hurtful words to me. I kept convincing myself that he was in grief and everything would be back to normal if I gave him time to heal. And that I did, hurting myself in the process. Sometimes some people cannot be saved . I would have been with sadeeq even if Lagos bridge was falling on my head. I would have reached out to him even if my hands were buried underneath burning coal. But he wouldn't . His demons were far stronger than I could think of and this time I knew for sure , it's isn't the one who goes and comes back that loves you but the one who never leaves. He only knew how to love me in good times and even if I took him back he would leave as he always does.
CHAPTER 6
I was so attached to sadeeq that I couldn't see life without him in it.it wasn't just love it was an addiction and I couldn't find anything to satiate my need for his presence. I didn't love myself if sadeeq didn't love me anymore .I realized that I was so dependent on him for my happiness that without him I was lonely. I made a vow to myself that i was never ever going to be vulnerable again so I started to practice self love .I made a new friend and didn't tell sadeeq about it .I bought a new phone and kept it to myself. I would take myself out and not feel the need to share it with sadeeq. I was smart enough to know where the problem was .We think when we are in love we must make our life revolve around that person. We rely so much on that person that the love itself seems like work.
I didn't just wake up one morning and decide to be independent I couldn't let go of sadeeq all at once so, I called him twice a week then once a week . He never called me , but I wasn't doing this for him it was for myself .it's like relinquishing from alcohol, you don't just wake up one day and decide to stop it, you start with baby steps until one day you realize you are sober. I was back to my old self in a matter of months. It was clear to me that when things get hard love forfeits it's true meaning. Some people only know how to love on favourable terms.
And just like that 2 months later , I received a call from sadeeq telling me he was sorry and wanted another chance. I told him it was time he moved on because I already have. We wished each other the best in life and went our separate ways. At times on dark and cold nights the memories will pass like a shiver through my spine. And it will ache .it will ache badly and I would go to sleep with a heavier heart . But in the morning , it would go away and I would be back to normal. Some days I would miss him and wish he was here with me. My loss was great although you cannot compare grief but I had lost my best friend and lover all at once. It is only natural for me to feel pain. But like all things it will come to pass.