34
I woke with my heart beating against my ribs for escape
Who gave her the medication she took last night? Why did I go to sleep without finding out, making sure she was okay, checking to be sure…Who was on guard? Shit, I can't even remember his face. Was he there for the phone call and all the time I was gone? Is he still here so I can ask him? Fuck, what if I'd fucked up and let them get to her? I held my breath, hoping and praying my dread was unfounded.
Please, let her be okay.
In the dim light filtering in from the corridor, I could see Caitlin shift restlessly in her bed. She whimpered as if she was in pain or trapped in another nightmare. I breathed again. I wanted to hug her, I was so happy to see her alive, but I remembered. Even if she was having a nightmare, I wasn't stupid enough to do it again.
"Caitlin, angel, wake up," I said, sitting up. "It's a dream. Only a dream. Wake up."
I stood up and stretched. The ache in my muscles reminded me how much I wanted to visit the gym. I wondered if the hospital had one for staff. Fuck. Focus. Wake Caitlin and ask her.
I repeated the same words, a little louder. I crossed the room to be closer to her.
"Angel. Caitlin, it's a dream. Only a dream. Wake up. See? I'm here, just like I promised, and you're safe, I swear…"
She didn't seem to have heard me, still struggling against her sheets and the scary men in her dream. Her scream shattered what was left of my sleepiness, like a screen of clouded glass. I stumbled, swallowed, and told myself I was made of sterner stuff than the scrambled eggs I expected for breakfast. I took the last step that left me standing beside her bed, my shorts flush against her sheets.
I reached over her and hit the switch by her bed. In the flickering beam of the fluorescent light, I saw her eyes flutter. "It's a dream, angel. Wake up. It's me, you're in hospital and everything's going to be fine…"
A head-shake, blinking, as Caitlin slowly sat up, her face sinking into shadow. "Nathan?"
I broke into a smile. "That's me."
She slowed her breathing from a panicked pant to something closer to calm. "I'm…safe in hospital with you. Right?"
"Yeah," I replied, yawning. I wanted to go back to sleep, but I wouldn't manage it until I asked her what I should have found out last night. "Who gave you your afternoon meds?"
She thought for a minute. "Judith…no, Carol. Carol was on last night. I said I was having trouble sleeping so she found me some milk in the handover room fridge. I was out like a light." She didn't meet my eyes.
"You must have been tired," I responded with a smile, trying hard not to think of her crying herself to sleep without me yesterday. Taking medication without me checking to make sure it was safe. I felt guilty already and no amount of chocolate would make up for it. I'd been lucky, was all. I couldn't afford to fuck up like that again. It could cost her life, my job and Chris…I closed my eyes, trying to clear my head before I opened them again.
"I won't keep you up. You need your rest to heal." I turned away and padded across the vinyl back to bed.
"No, wait," Caitlin said softly. I stopped. "Would you please sit by me for a little bit, 'til I calm down properly? I just want to get some of the horrible pictures out of my head. The police come to take my statement tomorrow and I can't stop thinking about all the things I have to say…"
Last chance. The perfect opportunity to ask. Just don't be stupid and don't go back to sleep.
I settled in the chair beside her bed, shifting so that I faced her. "Can you tell me about them? Maybe that'll help them go away faster." I didn't dare cross my fingers for luck, but in my heart I hoped.
She looked fearfully at me. "Nathan…I…don't even want to think about them. Talking about my nightmares will only bring them back."
"No it won't," I coaxed. "That's what all the psychologists and counsellors say. You wait. They'll tell you it's good to get it out and your heart will feel lighter."
Caitlin shook her head. "Nathan…" Fresh tears started to flow. She lifted her arms, shaking with her first sob.
I hesitated. I wasn't stupid, but I wasn't heartless, either. I moved from the chair to her bed so I could hug her like she wanted. It felt like the right thing to do, too.
"I can't, Nathan, not yet. I can't," Caitlin murmured as she clung to me and cried.
Fuck it. I stroked her hair. "It's okay. You don't have to."