Tw: talk of sh and scars
Horrible pain streamed through my whole body, waking me up. Groaning, I shifted in my position, right on time my stomach twisted and I felt whatever was inside of it coming right up again. I jumped in the air, not knowing where the hell I was, but there was a door and I bursted it open. To my fortune, it was actually a bathroom and I hold my head right on time over the toilet. I vomited into it. Meanwhile, my head and actually every part of my body ached.
What the fuck happened last night?
When I was done and my stomach was emptied, I slid down on the wall next to the toilet. My eyes remained close. The cold tiles met my ass, legs and hands. Carefully, my eyes cracked open and I gazed down on me. My light colored sweatpants, weren't light colored anymore. All possible colors decorated it now. Huge stains of red wine? were on my thighs. My top was luckily black, so stains weren't visible. What the fuck...
With a banging headache, I stumbled towards the sinks, where I threw some cold water into my face. As I looked into the mirror, I almost screamed out in fright, when my eyes fell upon my appearance. I looked like a fucking zombie. Within the next few moments, I tried to clean my face, which worked semi-good. I had a small bruise on my cheekbone... So, I walked back into the room, I just came out of. My eyes fell directly onto the bed. It was huge. A king sized bed.
Where the hell was I?!
Slightly freaked out, I exited the room through another door. The hallway seemed familiar. I walked downstairs. Three floors...
The second I reached the first floor, I knew where I was. I heard noises coming from the kitchen, which I followed. The smell of fried eggs and bacon hit my nose. On one hand it was the best thing to smell right now and on the other, the worst. My stomach still felt like it could try to empty itself every second again.
Cate stood at the stove and prepared the food? The blonde turned around. A bright smile on her face. "Good morning, sleepy head." She laughed and I took a seat at the kitchen island, rubbing my temples.
"Morning..." I mumbled and suddenly, a cup of tea and a pill were in front of me. It smelled... good and my stomach didn't mind the scent. "What the fuck happened?" I groaned out and took a big sip of the tea, along with the pill.
Cate laughed. "I like drunk you." I inhaled sharply, which caused some of the tea to slip into my lungs. Coughing I tried to keep the liquid inside of my mouth, before I was able to swallow it. The other woman patted my back, to help me a little. She laughed still, as I managed to compose myself.
"How bad was it?" I squealed out and coughed again.
Cate placed two plates on the surface in front of me, as she took a seat opposite of me. "What exactly do you remember?" She smirked and handed me a fork. We made eye contact for a few seconds and her eyes fell upon my cheek. The blonde frowned.
"Your ex was here. The most lovely person on earth." I smiled overly wide, which caused me to hiss, as my cheek ached. "We drank wine... I cried-" I gasped out. "I can't believe I cried in front of you?!" My cheeks blushed in a dark red, whilst I lowered my gaze, to hide it.
"There's no shame in that, sweetheart." Cate ensured, that I understood it. "You were right, though."
"About what?" I chewed the food.
"You share a lot, when drunk." I swallowed hard. Blush covered my face immediately again. "Don't be ashamed, sweetheart." Her hand slid along my arm, forcing goosebumps to cover my skin.
"I don't wanna hear what I said, do I?" When I rose my gaze, I caught the blonde smirking at me.
"You don't." She mouthed and finished her meal. Cate got up and placed her plate in the dishwasher. With her elbows, she leaned onto the counter. Her chest pressed onto her arms. Cate's blouse revealed a bit of her cleavage, making my eyes fall onto it, but I quickly composed myself. Yet, when my eyes met hers, a smirk had formed on her lips. She saw that... "Finish that up, we have a lot to do." Her finger did a circling motion.
"What?"
"Sweetheart, you don't remember much after you brought that bottle to your lips, do you?" Cate chuckled and shook her head in amusement.
Embarrassed, I shook my head.
"Come on get changed and let's go. Your stuff won't pack itself."
"I don't have anything with me?" What did she mean?
"You can borrow something from me. I'll pick something out for you." I interrupted the blonde in front of me.
"What are we talking about?" A frown formed on my forehead.
"You moving in? Vera," Cate laughed. "You better stay away from alcohol."
"Oh. Well, it wouldn't make sense to change, if I'm sweating anyway."
"Then, up, up. Come on." She smiled and I finished up my plate.
We made our way outside. It was actually pretty warm today. The sun shone a little and sent warmth to my face. Birds chirped and one knew Spring began. I walked up to my car, but a warm hand grabbed my wrist and spun me around.
"We're taking mine."
"You really don't have to-" Cate shushed me.
"None of this now. Get inside." I nodded and did as I was told. The seat felt pretty amazing on my ass and back. "Put in the address." Cate ordered and once again I did as I was told.
Maybe it was the fact, that the tea, teh pill and breakfast helped me to feel better, that I didn't argue.
Within the next minutes we were on the road. Honestly, I loved her car. It drove smoother than wiped cream looks.
"What do you usually do on weekends?" I asked.
"When the kids are away?" I nodded. "Mhm..." She tapped the steering wheel, with her index finger. "I try to get my mind off of things that bothered me. I listen to music, read, watch a good movie, work in peace." She laughed, making me smile. I glimpsed over to her. The sun shone beautifully onto her face. Her side profile left me speechless. She looked flawless, with her glasses on top of her nose. Suddenly, her voice caught me off guard. "Staring is rude, miss Staple."
"I admire." I whispered and suddenly, I realized what I had said. My face took on the deepest shade of red and I was forced to twitch my gaze out of the window.
"You know, you said the exact same thing last night." The woman next to me chuckled softly.
After that was said, my face probably could have been mistaken for a tomato. The same shade of red. This was hell.
Luckily, she didn't continue on that topic. Instead Cate turned on music. After a few minutes, I managed to calm down. I wasn't tensed anymore, but I was rarely feeling uncomfortable around her anyway.
...
She exhaled. "Well, we better get started..." Cate spoke as we entered my apartment. Her eyes roamed around the living room and kitchen, whilst I made my way into my bedroom.
I wanted to pick out a clean outfit, to put on after all of the packing was done. Steps reached my ears. "Cate, you really don't have to help me."
"Bullshit. We just need your clothes and stuff out of the bathroom, right?" I nodded. "Where are your travel suitcases?" I pointed at the ones on top of my closet, whilst making my way into the bathroom, where I placed the fresh clothes.
I picked up, a pack of new toothbrushes and toothpaste and made my way back into my bedroom. Cate had placed a suitcase on top of my bed, in which I threw the stuff already. She had opened my closet and laughed.
I chuckled. "Don't laugh! Not everyone can be as organized as you are." With that said, I went back into the bathroom to pick up the rest of my things.
It didn't take me too long, to finish up I the bathroom. The room was cleaned up, by now. One could probably eat form the floor. Although, I would not recommend it.
I placed my items in the suitcase and Cate had grabbed another one for the rest of my clothes. Shoes, jackets and just everything out of my closet was in there now.
"That didn't take too long." Cate smiled and I wiped some sweat off my forehead.
"That took two hours!" I laughed exhausted and closed the suitcases. As that was done, I threw myself onto the mattress. My back ached, like I just laid down on a board full of needles. "Oh Jesus!" I groaned out laughing. Cate placed her hand on my left thigh, making me hold my breath. My bandage.
"Get changed, we still have to drive back." The woman laughed and let her hand slide above my thigh and up to the hip. It made me indescribably confused, as to what I felt actually. I was safe, yet I didn't want her to know about how sick my mind was.
"Give me a minute, miss Blanchett." I smiled and watched her bite her lower lip for a split second, before her eyebrow rose. "Fine, fine..." I mumbled and suddenly, she pulled me up by my hands. Our faces were closer than ever before. Her breath hit my lips. I gazed into her eyes. Cate leaned to one side of my face. Now, her breath hit my cheek and ear, which made my breathing deepen.
"Go get change. I'll wait." Cate cooed into my ear and pulled away, leaving me a little startled on the spot.
Yet, I shook my head a few seconds later and threw myself out of my thoughts, before making my way into the bathroom.
"What the fuck." I whispered so quietly, I was barely able to hear it myself.
Once more, I shook my head and took my top off, leaving me in a bra for a few seconds, before I was able to throw the new shirt over my body. It was just loose and comfortable. Sometimes, I sleep in it. Actually, that shirt doesn't see the washing machine from the inside very often. However, it is clean this time.
Next, I moved onto my sweatpants, which look pretty used. The big red stains cover most of the fabric. I pulled them down, placed them on top of the black top and looked down onto my bandage that was red as well. It was a mixture of old blood and wine. Slowly, I loosened the piece of fabric around my thigh revealing my cuts, after a while. It looked wet and not quite healed. The area around the open skin was red, colored by blood and due to the injured skin, red as well.
Fixated on my thigh, everything around me could have happened, without me noticing a thing. My fingers pressed onto the cuts, seeing if it stung badly and it felt strange. There was a stinging, yes, but it wasn't really bad actually, which sort of freaked me out in a way.
"Hey, could I borrow one of your shirts? My blouse is kinda sweaty." Cate's voice reached me in an echo like tone, through the door. Yet, no matter how hard I tried to get out a word, it didn't happen. It was as if someone was taking every word I attempted to speak and washed it down the drain.
Two soft knocks reached my ears. "Vera?"
I tensed and tried to use some toilet paper to get the sticky blood off my cuts. Yet, I stopped. It didn't work. My eyes were glued onto what I had done. Why... why did I do it? I am such a fuck up.
"Vera..." Cate gasped and she was not behind the door anymore. The woman stood almost next to me in the bathroom. My eyes were glued onto hers. I placed my hand over my left thigh, attempting to cover the cuts, but of course she had seen them already. "Sweetheart, no..." Cate kneeled down right in front of me. I glimpsed into her worried face. My sight became a little blurry, as the tears build up in my eyes. I could not bare to see her looking at me like that, so I switched my gaze down into the tub. Everyone who had seen the cuts, my cuts, looked at me in pity, disgust, confusion or even anger. Some times it was all at once. They don't know how to handle it.
A warm hand grabbed mine, in a really soft and tender way. "Look at me." Cate said and I shook my head, whilst biting down on my lower lip. Tears fell into the bathtub. "Please..." She whispered and squeezed my hand gently. Slowly, I dared to look at her again. "I'm not upset or disgusted, okay?" My brows furrowed, as she said that. How was she so lovely?
"You're not?" I cracked out and a big drop fell onto Cate's hand, which she had on top of mine. The blonde shook her head.
"Would you allow me to see, so I know what to use to help you?" She asked and stroke along the back of my other hand, that covered the mess on my thigh.
My breathing became quicker. "Cate, I-" I wanted her help and I never thought I would want someone's help, in this way or situation. For fucks sake, I never thought I would find myself in this situation!
She somehow just knew what I was thinking. "There's no need to be ashamed, alright?" I nodded and more tears streamed down my cheeks. Cate wiped the fresh ones off my face and smiled at me. Slowly, I let my hand slip off of my thigh. "I'll be careful, sweetheart." She let me know, before she gently placed here fingertips on my thigh. My shirt was shoved back a little, to give the blonde more access.
"Please, don't say they aren't deep or-"
"I won't, my dear." Cate assured me and stroke along my thigh. I nodded. "Do you have bandages, alcohol and wound healing ointment?"
"Maybe bandages and a salve are in there." I cracked out and pointed at the cupboard underneath the sink.
The woman opened it and found both in there. It surprised me a little, that I owned something like salves at all. Cate grabbed some patches and wetted them. "This might sting, but I'll be quick, okay?" I just nodded and grabbed the edge of the bathtub. She kneeled down in front of me, grabbed one of my hands and allowed me to squeeze it, whilst she tapped the warm patch on my skin. It actually felt quite... nice? I still hold her hand, afraid of whatever.
"My eyes are horrible, give me a second. I need my glasses." Cate smiled gently and pulled the glasses out of her blouse's pocked, with one hand. "Would you help me out?" She chuckled, as her first attempt to place the glasses on top of her nose failed. I nodded and reached out for the glasses, grabbing them with a shaking hand. Slowly, I had managed to place them on her nose. "Thanks, sweetheart."
I looked down on my thigh and saw, that she had already began to wrap the bandage around it. Confused I watched her every move. "How did you-" I sniffed.
"Have you had a four year old hurt their self? Well, you have to give them something else to worry about, than their little scratch on the knee. You're of course not a four year old, but it works for everyone usually." Cate smiled, as she tucked the end on the bandage in and stroke along it gently. "All done."
"Thanks." I cracked out and let my fingers slide along the bandage.
"Here." Cate hold my fresh pair of sweatpants out for me to step into them, like a child. A new set of tears raced down my face. "Hey, hey, it's alright." She dropped the pants and pulled me down onto her lap. Her warm and tight embrace did something to my body and I couldn't figure out what this was. When she hold me, I felt enormous comfort. Cate rocked me back and forth. Her lips planted a kiss on top of my head. One hand hold the back of my head, whilst the other stroke my back in circles, until I stopped crying. I inhaled the whole time her parfum. Her scent was heavenly soft and elegant. My head laid on her chest. Her heartbeat was regular, so I focused on it.
I rose my gaze and glared into her face. Cate's hand cupped my cheek and caressed the irritated skin, due to the tears, in the most tender way. For a brief second, I caught her glimpsing down onto my lips. Did she...?
My stomach growled. "We better get something inside of there, shall we?" Cate laughed softly.
"Wouldn't be too much of a bad idea." I replied and cleared my voice. Back on my feet, I pulled the sweatpants over my legs and straightened my waistband.
"Chinese-food?" Cate suggested, whilst she pulled one of the suitcases onto the floor.
I nodded in reply a little exhausted, after my breakdown. "Close by is a takeaway."
"Well, let's get your things into the car and off we go to get some food." I walked up to my bed, pulled the other suitcase onto the ground and wanted to pull it outside. A soft hand placed itself on top of mine. I looked into Cate's face. She parted her lips.
"Please.. Cate, don't." I knitted my brows and deeply hoped she'd leave the topic be. "Not now..." The blonde closed her mouth and nodded little. Cate was the first to exit my apartment. I locked the door behind me and within the blink of an eye, we were both walking towards the takeaway.
The food was quickly ordered and with it in hands, we walked back to the car. It was quiet. Not only around us, but we were too. I couldn't quite tell, if I liked it. The silence was strange, yet I preferred it over talking about what happened.
A single car drove by.
"What do you usually do on the weekends?" Cate asked and glimpsed over to me. A smile on her lips. "I didn't get to ask you that in the car. You were too busy to admire, as you called it." She explained.
"I-" I started and stuttered already, not really knowing what I do or like to do. "I'm not quite sure, actually. I don't really think about what I'm doing on the weekend. I try to survive one week after another." I smiled. "But, I guess, I'm writing a lot." She cocked her brows.
"What do you write?" Cate asked, driven by curiosity and it actually felt truthful. When I usually told someone I was writing, they were incredibly sceptical.
"Everything that comes into my mind, which seems to be a 'great' idea in my head. Sometimes I write about something that had happened to me that day, that inspired me. It's just that I am never really pleased with what I write down." I explained.
"What would you write for today? Something fictional? A romance?" The blonde wiggled her brows, making me grin.
"Maybe a thriller short story." I laughed, which earned me a playful slap onto my shoulder. "Where someone dies?"
"Who's gonna-?" I rose my brows. "Oh stop this. It's getting dark, I don't wanna hear anything about murderer." Cate chuckled.
"Miss Blanchett, are you afraid of some scary stories?" I smirked.
"Piss off." She laughed and we both entered the car. "You know what I mean." I sighed confused and intertwined my fingers, in my lap, whilst Cate placed the food on her lap for a moment.
Her gaze twitched towards me. "How do you do that?"
"What do you mean?" The blonde questioned, with a charming smile upon her face.
I exhaled. "You saw my scars, took care of my cuts and me, as if I was your friend. You hold me, whilst I cried and now you just made me forget about all of it, by simply taking my mind off of it." I looked at her with knitted brows.
"Sweetheart, I care about you. Not because you're my kids nanny and I wouldn't find a new one too fast-" She laughed and I rolled my eyes. "I'm kidding." Cate grabbed my hand. "Vera, you're- you interest me and make me wanna get to know you. Let me tell you, that no one made me this curious before. And I do see you as a friend." Cate chuckled. "...And I don't think anyone should be judged by something like that. Talking about it might help, though. So, I want you to know, that if you ever feel the need to get something off your chest, I'm here. I have two ears that are always open for you and I also own two shoulders, to cry on. Two hands to help you up again and two arms to hold you." She spoke calmly and I truly was at a loss of words.
How could one person, who had known you for three days, care more about you, than people whom you had known for years?
"Thank you, Cate." I said. "I- just... thank you." The woman squeezed my hand.
"Oh and you can always come to me. Not only when you need to talk about something that's bothering you. I'm quite open to talk about anything and you are too, if I remember it correctly form last night." She winked.
"What the hell did I tell you?" I cringed and frowned.
"Let's say, you were very open about you being 'so gay' and that I might have been the reason for you realizing that." My mouth fell open. "What did you call it...? Your gay-wake-up? No, no, it was your gay awakening."
"I really thought this day couldn't get any worse." I gasped out.
"Don't you wanna hear more? Next I would have explained where that bruise on your cheek came from." Cate bit her lip in amusement, as she oppressed her laughter.
"What? Did I try to kiss you and I slipped and fell into the coffee table?" I joked and looked at the blonde. Cate didn't seem to want to tell me I was wrong. "What?!" I gasped.
"Sweetheart, you are too adorable." Cate laughed.
"Oh my god!" I mumbled. "I am so sorry, Cate." I buried my face in my hand palms.
Her laughter filled the car. "Stop it, Vera."
"Nope. I'm just gonna keep my hands where they are. This is fucking embarrassing!" Suddenly, a loud thunder made me jump and the car vibrate slightly. I squealed out in fright, which made me laugh afterwards.
"You're easily to scare." Cate chuckled and I glimpsed over.
"Oh common, this was unexpected and who didn't want to hear about a murderer?" I rolled my eyes and the sound of rain pouring down onto the car made it's way into my ears.
She chuckled. "You know, the sky already looked pretty dark, when we exited your apartment. It wasn't quite a surprise." Cate laughed and started the motor. "We should probably head home, so we can eat and get you settled in."
"Yeah and the alcohol gets banned from the house as well." I added jokingly.
"Should I send you into a psych ward now?" Cate laughed and place the warm food on my lap, before pulling onto the street.
"I prefer that, over bothering you with my whole ass life story." I grinned, whilst putting the seatbelt on.
"Oh, I don't think there's much left you haven't told me yet." The blonde winked and focused onto the street again.
I sighed. "At this point, I don't think I am ever going to be able, to recover from the embarrassment." The woman next to me laughed and placed her hand on my thigh.
"You know what, I told you at least just as much." Cate chuckled. "Wanna get some of your memories back?"
"I'm not sure, if that's going to help." I replied laughingly.
"Well, since you won't recover from your embarrassment anyway..." She started and honestly I can't tell why, but something about her was just... pulling me into a spell. The first time I had talked to her in person, I was taken back by her as a human. "I'm kidding. Actually, I wanted to ask you something."
"...drop it." I replied, unsure about whether it's going to be about what had happened in the apartment or something completely different.
"You did know who I was, when you saw me, didn't you?" I nodded.
"I did."
"And you just talked to me, as if you didn't make a big deal out of it." I nodded again and a smile beamed onto my lips.
"Well, Yes."
"Why?" Cate asked curiously. "I mean, I appreciate it. I really do. It's just that not that many people do it, just because I'm a celebrity and they think to know who I am or whatever." It was actually sweet, she asked about that.
My lips parted. "I mean, inside my head I was going crazy for a tiny moment. Cause you're the Cate Blanchett." I laughed and so did she. "You're just a human being, as everyone else is. And I thought, you might want to be treated like one as well."
"So, you won't fangirl over me, huh?" Cate asked overly dramatic.
"I can do that anytime, if you throw one of your movies on." Both our laughters filled the car.
"Noted."
...
"Jesus, I'm so done. I didn't even have to carry any furniture and still, I could fall asleep right on the spot." I laughed tiredly, as I placed the last pair of shoes in my new closet.
Cate had changed my bedding in the meantime, which I was incredibly thankful for. When we came here, home -it's odd to call it home, isn't it?- we had quickly eaten our food, which was as usual very good. Well, after that I wanted to excuse myself so I could move my stuff into my new bedroom, but Cate insisted on not letting me do that alone. Whilst, I had been busy getting my clothes settled in, she was so kind and brought some of my things into the attached bathroom.
"Well, it was emotionally exhausting, just as it was physically today." She smiled softly and patted the space on the bed next to her. "You should sleep." The blonde smiled and got up form the bed. I smiled at her and watched as her silhouette disappeared in the hallway. Suddenly, her head peaked through my door again. "It's lovely to have you here and I'm just next door, if you need anything. Sleep well."
"I'll have it in mind. Good night, Cate." I smiled and she closed the door behind her.
It felt like a dream. All of this. Maybe, it was just my prior life, that had been a nightmare. Who knows?
Changed into my sleeping shorts and shirt, I walked into the bathroom. It looked familiar. I shrugged it off and brushed my teeth. Whilst I had the toothbrush in between my lips, I glared into the mirror. That little bruise on my cheek did look a bit like I fell onto the corner of the coffee table.
Please, I deeply hope it did not happen like I imagined it. I mean, she never said it happened like that, but she also didn't say it did not happen like that. Cate only chuckled.
Soon, I found myself laying in my new bed. The bedding was borrowed from Cate and it smelled so different from mine. She, of course, hadn't slept in that one, but it still screamed her name... and it was oddly comforting, just as if she'd hug me.