It was the end of class and I had ironically bumped into Harry and Niall on my way back home, since we were all heading the same direction we had made an agreement to walk together.
Now that it had been days since Harry and I first saw each other after that short while, he had returned to square one. He would barely even talk to me or anyone else. I had always wondered what went through his mind. What kept him so quiet? So distant? So disconnected?
All the countless nights that I would sleep alone at my apartment were spent longing for Harry's warmth and security. My mind would drift off into endless theories and predictions on what was on Harry's mind all the time and why he was so isolated when all I wanted to do was help him. This would go on repeat for an endless amount of nights until I built enough courage to knock on his door at two in the morning and sleep with him for just that one night. Because sleeping with Harry was as if all your problems and worries were completely wiped away for those few hours of sleep. His arms and legs and draped over mine represented security, it felt as if I could never be hurt just as long as I was wrapped up into Harry's arms. And I had missed that.
I reached out for his hand but he would quickly jerk it away or hold it in his for a few seconds before he let go. He would purposely avoid me and I hope he knew that it was killing me.
"Hey, Harry, are you alright?" Niall asked as he glanced over at Harry, hands shoved deeply into his pockets and eyes staring down at his feet as he walked.
"I'm fine." Harry quickly responded, his tone not very convincing from the way he sounded a bit irritated.
"Are you sure? You've-" Niall continued but Harry rudely cut him off.
"I said I was fine, didn't I?" He snapped, his eyes flickering from his feet to Niall who was slightly shocked from Harry's harsh tone.
"Geez, I was just asking. You don't have to be so rude, bro." Niall deeply sighed, rolling his eyes at Harry's sour attitude.
"Well I said I was fine, didn't I? You don't have to ask so damn much." Harry mumbled as we continued to walk down the streets.
"You don't have to be such a dick. I care about you, you selfless asshole! That's why I asked you if you're alright; because you've been so quiet and you look like shit on a daily basis now." Niall shot back. We had all stopped walking now and I could tell that the tension was slowly rising by the way Harry stared at Niall with absolutely no emotion on his face. "Look bro, you have changed over these past few weeks. You rarely even talk to me and Ariana, you don't talk at all sometimes, you never fucking eat when we go out, you look different, you talk different, you are just so different now and it's worrying me. And by the way Ariana is always so quiet I can tell she is worried too, but you stay isolated and you shut us out!"
Harry heavily sighed and ran his hand over his tired-looking face. "I have a lot on my plate right now, Niall."
"I know you do, and that's why we are trying to help you, but you won't let us in." Niall huffed, arms crossing over his chest as stared at Harry, waiting for his response.
"I have trust issues, I can't talk to people so easily!" Harry raised his voice, arms thrown up into midair like a maniac.
"I know you do, Harry! But come on, Ariana is your girlfriend and I am your best friend! You have to trust us both. After all these years I think I deserve to know what is bothering you." Niall pleaded, eyes full of curiosity of what was bothering Harry. If I knew what was bothering Harry I would have told him by now to shut him up, but unfortunately I didn't know myself.
That's when Harry did something I didn't expect him to do, with one last heavy sigh, he walked past us both and continued his walk back home. Niall flashed me a what-the-hell-is-his-problem-look before he began to run after him. I followed in pursuit and walked quickly behind them both, silently praying that nothing bad would happen between them both.
My heart pounded heavily against my ribcage and skull as Niall chased after Harry as they crossed an empty street that had no sign of crosswalk. With determination and rage in each of Niall's footsteps, he had finally managed to catch up with Harry. My heart sunk deep into the pit of my chest as Niall wrapped his fingers around Harry's wrist and yanked on the black and red flannel he was wearing. Harry stopped dead in his tracks as he snapped his head towards Niall's direction and tried to yank his arm off his grasp.
"Let go of me." Harry said calmly despite the dark and angered look in his eyes.
"What the hell is wrong with you?! I've known you for four fucking years and I barely know shit about you. I think I deserve your trust by now!" Niall shouted, still holding the sleeve of Harry's flannel and standing in the middle of the street.
"Don't even come to me with that 'I barely know you' bullshit." Harry shouted loudly, now in Niall's face as anger built up inside him. "You know at least half of the shit Ariana knows about me you fucking bastard!"
"Like what? Your past, your mood swings... and how suicidal you are?" Niall smirked, his tone absolutely sickening as well as the devilish smirk plastered on his face. A shocked gasp escaped my lips, I know Niall knew about Harry's mentality issues but I never expected him to throw them into Harry's face like that.
My heart plummeted and felt as if it could explode with the amount of fear and anxiety building up inside me. Harry's free hand fisted the collar of Niall's t-shirt as he pulled him closer to his face, their faces only mere inches apart. His eyebrows were furrowed and his jaw was tight, prominent veins were straining from his neck as he tightened his grip on Niall's shirt. I definitely did not expect this from Harry, especially in his isolated state for a few weeks now. Niall's hand released Harry's wrist to shove him back but to no avail.
"You fucking prick!" Harry shouted, absolutely livid at this point. There surely were cars driving fast down the lane at this point, tires screeching down the gravel as they all came to a sudden stop due to Harry, Niall and I standing in the middle of the road. My palms were sweating and I was feeling quite nauseous to what was happening.
My eyes would flash to the angry drivers and headlights, then back to Harry practically strangling Niall. All I could hear were Harry and Niall's angry shouts and the annoyed honks of the drivers ahead. We were causing traffic.
My heart beat quickened, so fast to the point where I thought that it could surely explode, as Niall's hand rose up to punch Harry square in the jaw. He let out a weird gasp at the contact of Niall's fist to his face before he loosed his grip on the collar of his best friends t-shirt but did not let go just yet. With dark eyes and the worse intentions ever, Harry hauled himself at Niall and connected his fist to Niall's stomach.
"Harry!" I shrieked in horror, terrified to what Harry was capable of because I knew he was much stronger than Niall. This was definitely not Harry, not my Harry. And this was definitely not Niall, not the Niall I have known for months now. I had to put a stop to this as soon as possible, I could not bear to witness these two men psychically fight in the middle of the road and with people watching them in their cars.
So I ran as quickly as I could to the two thrashing and angered men, my body stiff as I ran to Harry first. My hand was harshly slapped onto Harry's bicep as I tried to pull him back from throwing another swing at Niall. Both of his hands only wrapped around the collar of Niall's shirt again and pulled him to his face.
"I fucking trusted you!" Harry cried out, his voice weak but very harsh. Now I understood why Harry was on the verge of beating Niall, he had trusted him for all these years but now that Niall threw one of Harry's worst conditions to his face Harry had lost all his trust and respect.
"Let go of me!" Niall shouted, shoving Harry's shoulders back as he tried to loosen his grip on his shirt.
"Do you even know what you did?" Harry shouted back just as loudly.
Niall stared back blankly at Harry, his expression just as angry as Harry. I could not believe what was happening. Niall knew that what he said could not be forgiven for a while, but he gave no effort to own up to his own mistake. I could tell Harry was growing heated and the anger was beginning to boil inside him again as his brows furrowed even deeper and his lips turned into a scowl. He was seething with anger. And I could never stop what was going to happen next. So with my heart practically leaping out of my ribcage, I hauled myself over to Harry and placed my hand on his bicep, slightly tugging to pull him back.
"Harry, stop!" I cried out, my heart beating so fast it could surely explode. My wrecked heart sunk even deeper into the pit of my chest as I felt Harry's large hand grip my hip from behind as he slightly pulled me away from him, indicating that he was not going to stop what he wanted to do to Niall. "We are in public!"
"I don't fucking care!" Harry shot back, never breaking eye contact with Niall. Niall's eyes were wide and full of anger and fear. I could not blame him, though, Harry was slightly intimidating when he is absolutely livid.
"Get the fuck off me!" Niall jumped back in, shoving his shoulders back but Harry did not budge.
With a final string of constant shouts from the top of my lungs, I was avoided and muted out as Harry folded his hand into a fist and rose it. His elbow bent as he pulled back his fist, waiting a few seconds before launching it towards Niall's jaw. My mind was practically buzzing with all the emotions stirring inside me that I could practically faint.
The obnoxious and loud honking had stopped by now, but not the shouts from these two men now on the ground. The people who were interrupted from their daily driving down this part of campus were beginning to hop out of their cars, bodies hidden behind the doors and their heads peaking out from the top to get a better view at what was causing traffic.
But my breathing seemed to catch in my throat as I noticed something. Harry did not hit Niall. Niall's face was screwed up into confusion as his fist ghost over his face, not moving. I don't know what had stopped him from hurting his own best friend, but I am glad he did.
"You know what," Harry suddenly spoke, his voice much calmer than it was before. He released Niall's shirt and shoved him back, his limp body nearly collapsing onto the ground before he collected himself and stood to his feet. He brushed himself off as he stared at Harry, eyes wide and full of confusion. Harry turned back on his heel and began striding toward me. He flashed a quick glimps at the confused man behind him before harshly rolling his eyes and flipping him off from behind. "Fuck you!" He shouted from the top of his lungs, his voice so loud I was sure all the awaiting cars in front of us had just heard him.
My heart practically leaped out of my chest as he walked over to me and forcefully gripped my wrist in his hand, pulling me away from the scene and leaving Niall puzzled in the middle of the street. He walked in long and hurried strides ahead of me, turning my walking into speed walking. I could barely even process what had just happened. What even happened?
It had taken everything in me not to glance over my shoulder to check if Niall was still standing in the middle of the street, completely dumbfounded. So with a huff I let Harry lead me to wherever he wanted to take me to discuss this whole situation. I had surely hoped Harry would care to explain his mood shifts and everything that has been happening with him lately. As we had crossed a couple of streets I had noticed that we were on our way back home. Harry was obviously frustrated to what had happened so all he wanted to do was get us back home as soon as possible.
"Harry," I lightly hummed as we walked into the elevator, his fingers still wrapped around my wrist tightly. I clicked the button to close the elevator doors shut before pressing the button to our floor and twirling around to face Harry. I had noticed that as we stood in silence, he laced his fingers between the spaces of mine as he held tightly onto my hand. His thumb would come out to rub against the back of my hand often. He was definitely much calmer than he was only minutes ago.
With his hand in mine, I stepped closer to him and pressed my hand against his cheek, gently cradling the side of his face as I forced him to look at me. His dull emerald eyes shifted to mine, only remaining there for a few seconds before they would dart down to my lips and back up to my eyes.
"What happened?" I spoke softly, afraid to ask something that might tick him off.
"I don't know," Harry let out a wisp of a laugh, his voice hoarse from the shouting he had done only minutes ago. "I think something just clicked and I just had the sudden urge to beat him."
"Then why didn't you? What stopped you?" As if on cue, the doors slid open and Harry had to stop speaking momentarily.
With a huff, he took my hand in his as we walked back to his apartment. He shoved his hand into his pocket to retrieve his keys, quickly pulling them out before unlocking the door and letting us both in. When I had walked in, the fresh scent of vanilla hit my nose. My eyes wandered around the comfy apartment, noticing it had been much cleaner than it was the last time I visited him. It was also much brighter, the vanilla colored curtains were pulled open and slightly moving as the window was cracked open, enough to let light in.
"It smells like vanilla." I mumbled as I dropped my shoes off by the coat hanger and sat on Harry's couch.
"Um... I-I know I just wanted to freshen the place up the bit more." Harry stuttered, slumping down on the opposite side of the couch from me. I sighed to myself, annoyed that Harry was being so distant. I scooted closer to him and sat right beside him, so close our thighs touched.
"I like it." I shrugged, deeply inhaling as I took in the sweet scent once again. I placed my hand on his thigh and took his hand on my free one, easily linking our fingers together as we rest them in my lap.
It was like this for a few more minutes, our fingers linked together and my thumb gently running along the material of his black jeans on his thigh. I knew we were both thinking about what had just happened, but none of us made an effort to bring it up again. It was something we would like to push aside and avoid for now but could not be done because this was just something too recent and important to brush off. I knew we were both thinking, and the chorus of our withering thoughts were painstaking. It was awfully silent and loud after that. Silent, because neither of us were speaking. Loud, because the chorus of our thoughts could not be avoided.
"It was you." Harry suddenly spoke, his smooth voice filling the living room.
"Hmm?"
"You are the reason why I didn't beat the shit out of Niall. You are the only reason why I am still here. You are the only reason why I have not gone completely insane. It's you. It's always been you." Harry admitted, eyes now glued to me.
My heart was pounding against my rig cage now, practically exploding with the amount of love and admiration I felt for this man. It absolutely warmed my heart that I was the person that Harry could leaned on, I was the one who had filled him with so much joy when he had none, I was the one who completely changed him for the better.
I felt myself tear up at his confession. I had never, once in my life, ever thought that someone could ever make such an impact on somebodies life. Let alone myself who was once an awfully rude and selfish bitch. But I completely understood all at once because Harry has also changed my life for the better. He was definitely the only man who listened to me so closely, making sure to comment and advice me on most things I talked about with him. He was the only man who loved and cared about me so much, even if he didn't show it at these times, I felt his love every second of the day. I knew he loves me as much as I love him, and he trusted me with every fiber of his being and so did I. Harry was the only person I could ever lean on and I was the only person Harry could ever lean on for support. I knew he trust and loves me with everything he has with the beautiful things he says, his gentle and careful touches against my body, his thorough yet delicate kisses, and especially the way he has ever made love to me. The way he had trusted me enough to let me be his first time, the way he trusted me to be the only to touch him and love him with every fiber of my being. And I regretted absolutely nothing of our relationship and how it was formed, every challenge thrown at us to test our relationship even further.
I had barely noticed the single tear that rolled down my cheek, but Harry was quick to catch it as his hands came to cradle the sides of my face. His thumbs gently swiped beneath my eyes, wiping away any of the tears spilling from my eyes. I was not crying because I was upset; I was crying tears of love, joy, trust, and pure happiness. I was so lucky that I had found this man. His green eyes shifted from my eyes and down to my lips, pausing on my lips a little longer before trailing back up to my tearful eyes.
"God, I love you so much." Harry said before he pressed his red lips to mine. As soon as my arms rose up to wrap around his neck, he pulled away. The kiss only lasted a couple of seconds, not filling the void in my chest at the least.
"Harry," I hummed lowly, slightly yanking him forward to connect our lips again. "Why are you so... distant?"
"Distant?" Harry questioned, eyes widening as he stared back at me.
"You barely even kiss me anymore, let alone touch me." I huffed, feeling my blood slightly sizzle due to the anger building up inside me.
"Kiss you? I just kissed you, Ari." Harry replied, his eyes never leaving my lips as well as his thumb brushing along the skin of my cheek.
"You know what I mean," I groaned.
"Like this?" Harry leaned back down to delicately press his lips to mine, lingering there a little longer before he pulled back. "Is that what you wanted?" His arm was now looped around my waist, pulling me closer to him than before.
"Harry..." I groaned loudly, psychically and emotionally aching to be closer to him in every way possible.
I was about to start an argument before my breath was quickly cut short as his lips pressed roughly against mine. I felt my body immediately relax back into his at the feeling of his soft lips against mine again after so long. My body responded immediately, my arms roped around his neck and my legs had made their way on either side of his hips, straddling him as he kissed me so roughly. His lips molded so perfectly against my own as he accepted the way my tongue made its way past his lips and dipped into his mouth. My fingers tangled into the hair at the back of his head as his hands rested on my parted thighs, tightly gripping each in both of his hands.
My hips lowered to firmly press against him, needing him closer than I had ever wanted him before. With a slow roll of my hips against him, he let out a loud groan before he bucked his hips forward, feeling just as needy as I was. My hands yanked the dark navy blue bandana off his head before throwing it across the room, his shirt was next, my hands clawed and wrapped around any piece of his clothing I could hold onto.
When his lips parted from mine to attach onto the skin of my neck, I had nearly lost it all. I needed him closer than ever now, I was literally aching for his touch all around my body, craving the feel of his hot skin pressed against mine.
"Baby," Harry spoke against the skin of my neck. "We need to talk."
I groaned, not feeling like having another argument because of my hormones. His lips were gentle against my neck, lightly sucking along every part his tongue ran over to send blood straight to the surface as well as faint purple marks. My hips ground down even further into his, circling against his own to encourage him into putting aside the conversations for now. I felt my bones practically vibrate with satisfaction as I felt a very hard bulge against me as I rolled my hips against him. He let out a throaty moan against my neck as my hand that was tangled in his hair came down to palm him through his tight jeans. My hand completely ran over him, his hips bucking forward as I did so.
"Ari- stop." Harry groaned, his actions contradicting his words. "We can't do this right now."
Suddenly something clicked inside me. I was absolutely done with hearing those words from Harry when we barely even did anything this past month. It was driving me insane that Harry and I did absolutely nothing day by day. It frustrated me not to show him how much I truly love him. It angered me that he would push me away every time I tried to do anything with him. I know our relationship was definitely not only about sex, but after being deprived so long and put aside for months makes you truly insane. Especially when you have absolutely no idea what is going on with your partner more than half the time.
I harshly pulled my hand away from him and lifted his head up to yank him off my neck. My body rolled off his in complete anger.
"What's wrong?" Harry asked, eyes practically black by the way they were dilated. As soon as my body rolled off his, he reached over and grabbed the pillow beside him to cover the bulge in his pants.
"Are you serious, Harry!" I shouted, my arms thrown up into the air like a mad woman. He stared back at me with a blank expression on his face. "You don't talk to me, touch me, hug me, hold me, kiss me, and make love to me for more than month and you still have the audacity to ask me what is wrong? Look, I know you're going through tough times right now but you push me away whenever I try to get closer and help you. And it frustrates me because you refuse to tell me what is bothering you when all I want to do is help you! Why don't you just let me in, Harry? Do you not trust me? Am I doing something wrong?" I asked all at once, not caring if that came out harsher than I had intended it to.
"I have a lot on my plate right now, Ariana. You wouldn't understand." Harry let out a shaky breath, lips blowing out as he deeply exhaled. He sat up now, his back hunched over as he rested his forehead in the palms of his hands as his elbows sunk into his knees.
"You always say that! How do you fucking expect me to understand when all you do is shut me out!" I swallowed, meeting his eyes briefly as he looked at up me from the couch. I was now standing to my feet, my arms crossed over my chest in a childlike manner.
"Like I said-" Harry began but I cut him off.
"I was not finished. I reach out to you, I practically beg you to discuss what is wrong, I comfort you when you're feeling upset, I do everything that I am supposed to do but you don't give a fuck! I love you with every fiber of my being, Harry. God knows how much I love you, but you're making it so hard for me to show you because every time I try to hold your hand or talk to you, you pull away. And I know you have a lot on your plate right now, and that's why I am so overly attached to you; because I care about you too much to know that you're mentally and psychically hurting right now." I breathed, my throat burning at the amount of anger and frustration I felt.
"I'm not psychically-"
"Look at yourself! Your lip is fucking busted, it is practically bleeding! I don't know if you've noticed but you've changed, Harry. You are back to the same exact person I met, which is killing me because I can do absolutely nothing about it. All I want is my Harry back, my old Harry back." I hadn't noticed the tears freely streaming down my cheeks until my hand rose to furiously wipe them off. "I miss you so much, Harry, I don't think you understand how much I love you that I cannot bear to see you like this. It's hurting me all around because you're everything to me, you're my happiness. So when my happiness is hurt in any way, it feels as if a part of me is let down. And I cannot bear to watch the only thing that has held me together break down right before my eyes, it just hurts me all over. Especially because there's nothing I can do about it, it literally kills me." I sobbed hysterically, letting out every word I have been holding in for weeks now, words that needed to be said to better ourselves.
"This is not you, Harry. You are not violent, you are not angry all the time, you are not distant, you are not quiet. You are beautiful, you are caring, you are gentle, you are loving, you are loud when you're comfortable enough, you are adorable, you are innocent, you are calm, you are sweet, you are humble, you are playful, you are so mature yet so immature all at once, you are incredible in every way but the way you have been acting is definitely not you. I want you back, baby." I breathed through the choking sobs breaking through. I hated crying so much, but whenever I was with Harry I felt even more emotional than usual.
My heart fluttered as I felt a pair of strong of warm arms pull me tightly to his chest as I continued to sob uncontrollably. I was barely aware of the way that he seemed to let out every emotion too. I could tell he was crying by the way I would feel his chest heave up and down with short and wispy spurs of breaths. One of his hands would reach up often to wipe away any tears staining his cheeks and pull any hair away from my face. My fist tightly crumbled up his flannel in my hand as I held onto him, never wanting to let him go and have him comfort me forever. This is what I needed. His warmth, his care, his comfort, his love.
"This is not fair, I don't deserve you." Harry softly whispered into my neck where his head had been nuzzled for a few minutes.
"Don't say that, we're perfect for each other." I mumbled into his shoulder. I had stopped crying now but there were still traces of fresh tears staining my cheeks.
"We're a mess. I'm a mess."
"Hey," I spoke, lifting our head up to look at each other now. "I rather be a beautifully chaotic mess than be absolutely nothing at all. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I do not regret a single thing that we have been through together."
"But you just deserve so much more than what I am, you deserve to be loved so much more than I already love you. You deserve someone so much better than me, baby." Harry sobbed, his body shaking as he tried to hold back anymore tears.
"Stop saying that, I am no more deserving than anyone else." I hummed, leaning forward to press my lips to his for a few seconds before disconnecting them to sponge onto the soft skin of his neck. "We will be fine, Harry."
"We will make it work, we will fix this." Harry hummed softly, his head rolling back as he allowed me more access to his neck.
And with everything that had happened tonight was just a preparation to what will be happening in the future. Things will be thrown at us, testing our relationship even further to see if we would let go or remain unbreakable. Only if I knew what would've happened from this moment on, only if I knew everything that would be thrown at us in the future to shape our relationship, I would have done so much to change ourselves, this moment, everything. Only if I knew that this constant longing to be closer to him was just the beginning, then I maybe would have held onto him a little tighter, held him a little longer, and attempted to fix anything that would be thrown at us in the near future. Only if I knew...
-
THERE YOU GO THIS CHAPTER WAS SUPER FREAKING IMPORTANT YOU HAVE NO IDEA ESPECIALLY THE ENDING BECAUSE SHE IS SPEAKING FROM HER FUTURE SELF POINT OF VIEW IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE
AND PLEASE COMMENT SOMETHING COOL OR WHATEVER YOU THINK ABOUT THIS CHAPTER BECAUSE IT IS OVER 5000 WORDS WHICH IS A WHOLE TON AND ALSO BECAUSE I HAVE TOLD YOU GUYS A MAJOR SPOILER IN THIS CHAPTER
BTW MAKE SURE TO CHECK OUT MY NEW STORY RELIANCE BECAUSE I WILL BE POSTON THE FIRST CHAPTER VERY SOON SO PLEASE ADD IT TO YOUR LIBRARY YOU WONT REGRET READING THAT ONE IT WILL BE GREAT :-)
LOVE YOU BABIES THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONSTANT SUPPORT AND LOVE FOR THIS STORY IT MEANS THE WHOLE WORLD TO ME THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU XX
All the love as always. xx