Chapter Nineteen: Madly
"Ms. Miranda." nabalik ang atensyon ko sa teacher sa harap.
"Yes, Ma'am?" I asked, hiding the surprise and nervousness in my voice.
"Any good novel recommendations you recommend?" tanong niya sa'kin sabay ayos sa damit niya.
"What genre, Ma'am?"
"Anything." she shrugged.
I began to think about the books I had read before. I sighed, isa lang talaga ang nasa isip ko at yun din ang nasagot ko.
"Bridgerton, any of them except the first book." I answered.
Tumango naman yung teacher na'min at mukhang nagulat sa sagot ko. Unti-unti siyang naglakad sa direksyon ko at inobserbahan mula sa mukha ko hanggang sa paa ko at balik ulet sa mukha ko.
"Bridgerton... it's my first time hearing about such book..."
"It's a regency-set novel written by Julia Quinn, it's British." I added sabay ngiti nang maliit.
"Huh... so you read British novels. Impressive, this is why...." the volume of her voice increased as she turned her back.
"This is why we need to read more books and not just American ones. It's a good thing to expand our range when it comes to reading and writing, there are many... many... novels that are written in different languages that are now translated solely for us and for the fans but also for readers." she paused, closing the book in front of her, on top of the desk.
"Importante rin na may matutunan ta'yo sa mga libro na 'to, whether it's romance or horror... there's always a moral story in it. You just have to look closely and see from there and express it in your own way... and that's how you start writing. You start writing... by reading." nag-tama ang mga mata na'min at kumindat siya sa'kin.
Ngumiti ako sa direksyon niya. Kaya ko mas gusto 'tong mga ganitong klase, it's kind of a free class when it comes to creative writing.
Nagbabasa kami tapos nagsusulat and I love reading so much, but then at the same time... writing has become another hobby of mine that I fell in love with.
Malapit na ring magrecess at kinakabahan nanaman ako.
Nadistract ako dahil sa teacher na'min pero ngayon balik ang kaba ko at hindi pa rin nagrereply si Alexander kasi mararamdaman ko kung may notification o text kapag nagvibrate yung bulsa ko pero wala... wala akong naramdaman.
Genevieve is still sleeping, as always. Mukhang wala naman din siyang pake sa klase o sa recess, these days puro na lang siyang tulog.
Yan kasi, laro at nood pa more.
These days she's obsessed with Outlander. Sinubukan kong panoorin yun at nagulat ako, sobrang gulat ako especially sa episode 7.
Isinulat ko sa notebook ko yung homework na'min and we're finally done with our class and it's recess time.
Pagkaring ng bell ay nagising si Genevieve at napatingin kami sa isa't-isa.
"May... pupuntahan... ka... ba?" pagod niyang tanong habang nakapikit na ang mga mata niya.
"I just have to talk to someone, don't worry. Mabilis lang, matulog ka muna." I chuckled, tumango siya at ipinagpatuloy ang tulog niya.
I sighed and then I took a deep breath, a really deep one.
What is wrong with me? Seriously?
Dahil ba kinain ko yung tinapay na may ketchup instead of cheese? Or is it because I drank a lot of coffee this morning? Ano ba? Ano ba talaga?
Tatayo na sana ako nang bigla akong mapaupo ulet nang makita ko si Alexander na nakasandal sa gilid ng bintana habang hawak yung phone niya.
I was startled and almost dropped the phone I was pulling out from my pockets, tsinek ko si Genevieve kung nagising ko ba siya pero natutulog pa rin siya.
Bumalik ang atensyon ko kay Alexander na malaki ang ngiti.
Mukhang nareceive naman niya yung tinext ko at nabasa niya, buti naman... bakit ba 'ko kinabahan?
Dahan dahan akong tumayo dahil ayokong gisingin si Genevieve na mahimbing ang tulog at lumabas mula sa classrom na'min.
"Why did you want to talk to me? You sounded so serious in the text..." tawa niya.
"Akala ko kasi mabisto ako nang teacher eh, I don't want to get in trouble..." I laughed it off after.
"Same, rereplayan sana kita kaso tingin nang tingin yung sub-teacher."
"Sub? You have a sub?"
"Yep, and she's the same sub-teacher that your best friend slapped in teacher's day."
"Oh, god..." natawa ulet siya.
"Kaya... please lang, 'wag na 'wag mong sabihin kay Genevieve, baka sampalin niya lang ulet yung sub..." he laughed again.
Who could forget from last year?
Noong teacher's day ay galit na galit si Genevieve sa isang sub-teacher na nagsalita nang hindi maganda kay Genevieve at 'di rin nakakatulong yung mga panahon na nagpaparinig siya tungkol sa mga mayayamang pamilya implying Genevieve's family.
Of course, Genevieve was not happy.
Sinubukan niyang hindi magalit pero hindi niya kinaya and she snapped in teacher's day when she got up to the stage and slapped her in front of the whole school that shooked everyone to the core.
"Well... she's asleep. She's out of energy right now, no energy to slap anyone..."
"Yup... anyway, ano pa lang gusto 'mong pag-usapan or anything..."
Nawala agad yung ngiti ko at dahan dahang tumango.
Here it is... here it is.
Tatanungin ko na siya kung puwede ko ba siyang makasama sa birthday ko hanggang hapon dahil yung hapon hanggang gabi ay para sa'ming dalawa ni Genevieve.
"So... my birthday--"
"Oh, yes! Your birthday." he interrupted at tinakpan ko agad yung bibig niya dahil sa lakas ng boses niya.
"Di mo naman kailangang isigaw..." bulong ko at inialis ang kamay ko mula sa bibig niya.
"My bad... yes... your birthday... it's exciting, isn't it?" he smiled cheekly.
"Yes... yes... wait... you knew about my birthday?" gulat kong tanong.
He rolled his eyes at me and shook his head in disappointment. He also crossed his arms against his chest too.
"Really? Katerina? I told you, I'm your best friend... of course, alam ko! Ilang beses na ba 'kong bumati sa'yo sa tuwing birthday mo ever since we started becoming friends?"
He did.
Minsan nireregaluhan niya 'ko nang mga paborito kong tsokolate o libro na balak kong bilhin kaso mahal, it sometimes surprises me because of the amount of money he had to spend for it.
"Please tell me you're not buying another expensive book..."
"Paano mo nalaman na bibilhan kita nang libro?"
Oh no.
"Alexander, don't. Ang mahal nang mga libro na binibili mo... that's crazy. Kahit simpleng bati lang okay na 'ko. And... this!" turo ko sa friendship ring sa daliri ko at pati na rin sa daliri niya.
"It must have been expensive, stop spending money to your friends..."
"Tsk... ikaw lang naman ang binibilhan ko nang mga ganitong bagay... and besides you... you deserve those books. Ang hilig hilig mong magbasa, I was planning to buy you that new Bridgerton book... the book about their mother."
Kaya ako nahuhulog sa lalaking 'to.
How am I supposed to move on or even try if he keeps saying these kind of things?
Na ako lang ang binibilhan niya nang mga ganitong bagay?
Sinong niloloko niya?
I'm pretty sure may binibili rin siya para kanila Yael, Jaxon, or maybe Silas?
"Stop it."
"Why not? You bought me something for my birthday too!"
"Yeah, a bracelet... it's nothing compared to this ring..."
"But it's beautiful, do you know how many compliments I've gotten from it?" he laughed happily.
"Fine, fine... just... please... 'wag mo na 'kong bilhan nang regalo... instead of a gift, how about..." I paused, taking another deep breath to compose and prepare myself.
"...how about samahan mo 'ko sa sabado."
"Sabado? Your birthday on Saturday? May party ba?"
"No, walang party. Ayoko rin namang magpaparty, busy din yung mom ko sa trabaho niya at ayaw ko rin siyang abalahin. I was thinking of spending my birthday by myself but of course... I also wanted to spend it with Genevieve in the afternoon." I bit my bottom lip nervously before I continue.
"I want to spend the first half of my birthday with you..." I finished.
Para namang hindi tanong, parang sinabi ko lang kung ano yung gusto ko.
It hit me, it just hit me. It really just did.
"What... what I mean is... kung puwede mo ba 'kong samahan sa sabado. Tayong dalawa lang, shopping, and bonding time as friends. It's just... we never had a day with just the two of us as friends, you know? I realized it nung niregaluhan mo 'ko ni'tong singsing... we should go together... just us." I added.
Lumapit siya sa'kin at ang una 'kong nakita sa mukha niya ay ang pagguhit ng ngiti ulet sa labi niya, this time I was sure it meant something else.
Something better, and... sweet.
And it only made me want to stare at it even longer, but shit... I shouldn't... I shouldn't at all.
"Of course, why not?" sagot niya sabay akbay sa'kin.
"I'm happy that you asked because this is something... amazing!" he exclaimed.
"So.. it's... a yes?" bulong ko with a hint of a grin on my lips.
"It's a yes, Katerina. Ako pa, pagdating sa'yo alam mo namang lagi akong oo. This is a special day for you, imma make it special for you!" tawa niya.
How funny and ironic. Lagi kang oo pagdating sa'kin when you literally rejected me twice, Alexander.
What is it really, Cardoza?
It doesn't matter, at least makakasama ko siya sa sabado kahit na kaibigan lang ang turing niya sa'kin basta okay na 'ko na makasama ko siya.
To him, it might be a special day for me and him and our friendship. But for me... it's something else. Kahit anong gawin ko at kahit anong isipin ko, iisa lang ang nasa puso ko... it's a date, it's date to me.
For years, wala akong ibang inisip kung hindi maging masaya sa tuwing kaarawan ko.
Despite everything that I've gone through whether it's school, failures, fights between my mother and my biological father--I always choose to be positive. I believe that whatever happens, you should always look at the positive side of anything.
Hindi ko alam kung saan nagsimula yung desisyon ko na laging think positive, pero ang alam ko lang is it's always been this way for me.
It helps me to think new, think about the next thing, the new beginning for me. It's something to be hopeful about.
Kahit ilang iyak, kahit ilang sakit, alam ko sa puso ko na may magandang mangyayari pagkatapos.
It's just me, I'm Katerina and I always think positive.
That is why me and Genevieve would often fight about the reality of the world, she would tell me na walang positive sa buhay, and that we should think realistically.
And I would tell her that some people still think positively even if this world we live in is THAT realistic. Wala namang mali sa pagiging positibo, it's not like it's hurting anyone, right?
Sometimes Genevieve would tell me that I'm thinking positively because I like to make up a lot of shit inside my head, like... something about fantasy and desires.
Siguro noon iniimagine ko na baka mamimeet ko na yung prince charming ko na binabasa ko sa mga princess stories, pero imposible na yun ngayon dahil it's not real.
Do I think that Prince Charming exists?
No, not at this moment, pero it doesn't mean na hindi posibleng hindi ko siya mamimeet, I'm young and I have like fifty more years to spare, malay mo makilala ko talaga siya.
Life is full of possibilities, it's just up to you how you'll make your own possibility. See? I'm always positive, it's just me, I've always been like this.
Halos mag-tetwenty minutes ko nang tinititigan ang sarili 'kong reflection sa salamin, hindi ko alam, ewan ko ba... kabado ako, kabadong kabado.
I wore a white midi dress with a tie-strap, it's below my knee too at hindi maiksi, I paired it with white pointed-toe mules.
Nagmakeup din ako nang konti, a natural makeup look of course para hindi late na masyado akong maraming nilagay sa mukha ko.
I used a hair curler just to give my hair some beachy waves, yung tipong nakikita ko sa Youtube at Pinterest.
Alam ko naman na maganda ako at okay na yung itsura ko, pero 'di pa rin ako makapaniwala na dadating ang panahon na talagang magpapaganda ako para sa isang taong gusto ko, hindi ko ineexpect na mangyayari 'to.
I mean I like him, I really do, but I just never imagined having to prepare for a date.
It's when you've been wishing for something to happen, and now that it's about to happen... that's when it felt like everything is not real for me.
It feels like... this is not real.
I am going on some date, date sa utak ko pero sure ako na para kay Alexander, it's just some friend date and that's it.
Napapaisip ako kung hindi niya man lang naisip na baka gusto ko pa rin siya? Isn't it weird for him that I asked him out? Just the two of us in some date?
And then it hit me.
What if things get weird because of my feelings for him?
Shit. Sinampal ko nang mahina ang mukha ko at tiningnan ulet ang repleksyon ko sa salamin.
Magiging maayos ang lahat, this is Alexander and not some guy I just met.
He's my friend, one of my best friends, before I fell for this boy, we were friends. He's not like the other boys in our school, so stop it... so stop thinking about the worst possible scenarios there is.
Napalitan ang takot nang ngiti sa labi ko.
I'm starting to think about the good things I could do with him.
Siguro naman ako ang bibili para sa'ming dalawa, he bought some friendship ring and this time... gusto kong bumili nang friendship bracelet o baka relo para sa kanya.
But then, I feel like I shouldn't buy him a watch at all.
Nakita ko siyang suot suot yung Rolex niya dati nung graduation na'min nung sixth grade kami, jusko... kahit ako nabaliw sa ganda at kung magkano pala yung relong yun.
I didn't know that Rolex was that a big of a big deal, puro naman kasi ako G-Shock o Baby-G, 'di naman ako mayaman.
I swear I saw him wearing another piece of gold jewelry one time, so no jewelry or watch.
Friendship bracelet it is. It's better that way. Tsaka at least meron nanaman kaming friendship accessory, a bracelet.
Susubukan kong bumili nang medyo mahal today, espesyal naman today tsaka minsan lang naman akong bumibili nang mga ganitong bagay.
It's my birthday, I want to at least do something for myself and for my friend.
Kahit ngayon lang, gusto kong isipin na espesyal ang araw na 'to para sa'ming dalawa ni Alexander.
I've been dreaming for a day where I could spend a day with him, only him, as if we were a couple. Siguro hinding hindi magiging kami, but I want to have a day where this is a date.
Tinext ko si Genevieve para mamaya, hapon kami magkikita and then we'll hangout in my house.
Overtime si mommy at hanggang umaga siya, kaya puwedeng puwede magstay si Genevieve hanggang mga one or two am.
Genevieve and my mom had met before, thank God no one told her anything about Genevieve and who she actually is in our school.
Siguradong sasawayin ako ni mommy kapag nalaman niya yung mga nagawa ni Genevieve sa mga kaklase ko at mga teachers din.
"Shit." tumayo ako at kinuha ang pabango na pagkamahal mahal na binili sa'kin ni mommy two months ago, mahal talaga siya kasi perfume at hindi cologne.
I only use this kapag gusto ko talagang magpaganda, and I'm pretty sure this is a day where I want to look so fucking gorgeous.
I want... I want him to say that I look good. I just want him to say that, kahit isang beses lang okay na talaga ako.
This has to be the most perfect gift ever, just spending some time with the boy I adore the most.
I thought na baka magiging perpekto ang araw na 'to para sa'kin. This is a special day for me, and I know that it would be best if I could be with him.
But I guess not everything I want can happen, right?
I should have known.
I should have known from the beginning na porket araw ko 'to, mangyayari ang lahat nang gusto 'kong mangyari.
I know, I know that very well.
I expected something good to happen, but shit, was I expecting too much?
Was I expecting for him to actually spend a day with me? I should have known that there are more important things than me because, at the end of the day, he's a Cardoza.
He doesn't just spend a day with a person... like me.
He has his own shit to figure out as the future head of the Cardoza family.
Okay lang naman eh. Kaso, kung tinext niya lang sana ako na hindi pala siya available today... he could've just texted that.
Why did he have to pull something like this and just leave me hanging outside of the mall? He never sent me a text or even a heads up that he wasn't coming.
So I was left hanging outside of the mall until 2 pm.
It was the worst that could ever happen to me, sinubukan ko ring pumasok para tumingin tingin tapos labas pagkatapos kasi akala ko nandoon na siya sa labas at hinihintay niya lang ako.
But no.
Alexander never came.
And it fucking sucked.
'Di rin nakakatulong na umuulan at kailangan ko pang bumili nang payong.
It was the worst, and I didn't bring any jacket either which sucked even more.
Pero heto, naghintay pa rin ako hanggang mag-2pm na at umuwi ako.
I rode in a taxi and that's when I began to really let it out, unti-unting lumabas yung mga luha ko pero walang emosyon sa mukha ko, pinipigilan ko pa ring sumigaw at talagang ilabas ang sakit na nararamdaman ko kanina pa.
I was supposed to feel special but now I feel nothing but horrible.
I feel miserable.
I feel like a failure.
I feel anything bad ever.
I'm upset at myself, and I'm upset at him. But that's the thing, I could never be upset when it comes to him because I like him... I like him too much.
Binayaran ko yung driver ng taxi at lumabas ako mula sa sasakyan, 'di ko na binigyan pa nang pansin yung mga kapitbahay na mukhang nag-aalala sa itsura ko, sigurado akong halata na rin yung mascara na nabasa dahil sa mga luha ko.
I realized that the door is opened from the moment I held the handle.
Genevieve, she must've been here before my mother left for work.
Napaaga yata si Genevieve, god... I'm not ready to talk to anyone right now. Hindi handa ang isip at puso ko, gustong gusto ko lang talaga ilabas ang sakit ngayon.
"Happy birthday, birthday girl! The special girl!" sigaw ni Genevieve when I opened the door.
Suot-suot niya yung shirt na cinustomized na'ming dalawa nung freshman year, we wanted to have a shirt with our names together.
Hawak hawak niya naman yung poster na may nakasulat na happy birthday, maraming mga dekorasyon sa may mga pader din.
This would've been something to truly cry about but shit... my tears are coming out all for the wrong reasons. Pain, misery, sadness, anything bad ever.
"Damn, my poster must be that gorgeous, it's making you teary-eyed from how gorgeous it is?!" she teased.
Hindi ko na napigilan pa ang emosyon ko, I feel like everything is just painful, the more I hold it in the more I want to scream and just stab my heart so it can stop beating already.
I fell onto my knees and cried as hard as I could, I just want this to be over.
I just want this pain and sadness to vanish into existence, this sucks, this really sucks.
Sinarado naman ni Genevieve agad yung pintuan bago siya umupo sa tabi ko at niyakap ako nang mahigpit.
She immediately realized that I'm not crying because of anything special today, I cried for something else.
"Oh, Rina... what happened..." bulong niya, niyakap ko siya pabalik at itinuloy ang pagiyak ko sa balikat niya.
I had to release it. Everything. This is too much for me to handle.
I wondered for hours why would he not come?
He said he would, he said he would come!
So, why?
Why would he not come?
Am I that so unimportant to him that he won't even give me a heads up that he's busy?
I'm confused, Alexander.
Gusto kong magalit sa kanya, gusto kong magalit kay Alexander but I told myself that I can't because it would be a problem between my heart and my mind.
Instead, I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at myself for thinking I'm so goddamn special in his mind, I'm mad for thinking that this might be the greatest gift in my life ever, knowing that involves the boy I adore that doesn't even have any feelings for me.
I assumed. I assumed too much, I expected too much.
And what did I get in the process?
Nothing.
And that's why it was more painful because I thought maybe something might happen, that finally he would understand and tell me that I'm more than his friend.
I hate my head, my mind, everything about me at this point.
"Anong nangyari, hm? Sinong kailangan kong sampalin? Katerina, hindi ako nagbibiro, this is the first time I've seen you like this... and it's hurting me too." dagdag niya.
I slowly pull away from our embrace at nagtama ang mga mata na'min sa isa't-isa.
Dahan dahan niyang pinunasan ang mga luha sa pisngi ko, she looked upset, this is the same exact Genevieve who hated seeing me in so much pain, and I'm really projecting that kind of pain now.
"G-Genevieve... it's too much..." I almost choked on my own tears, hindi pa tapos lumabas yung mga luha ko.
"Pagod na 'ko... pagod na talaga ako... hindi ko na yata kaya... I just want to be somewhere and just... forget but shit... shit..." I paused, taking a deep breath.
"It's too much... ayoko na talaga..."
At this moment, alam ko na hindi magiging maayos ang lahat.
Siguro days from now I would be better but I know that it would take me a long time, at least a month to recover from this.
Ayokong magalit kay Alexander, ayoko, gusto ko man, alam kong magagalit lang yung puso ko.
I also know that this will only bring me into another cycle, a never-ending one.
And then I had a realization as I continue to cry.
This is not a feeling called 'like'. I remembered that day that made me think about what I truly felt for Alexander.
I don't like Alexander.
Hindi ko siya gusto, mahal ko siya.
I'm in love with Alexander.
I am madly in love with Alexander Seth Cardoza.
The American Boy.