Wasn't it funny how you stopped caring about how things would go for you, if someone you loved was struggling? Eddy had practised all he could, but half his eye had been on Brett the whole time, and it wasn't until now, on his own, facing another set of white, double doors, that he started realising he was about to perform again.
Brett had stayed behind in the practise room with Todd. He should be okay. God, he hoped he was okay. Eddy looked at the looming doors in front of him and shivered slightly. Raised his violin and fingered the first few bars in silence.
Look, he knew this, right? He had practised and practised and practised. He had to be okay.
He jumped when the doors opened and a girl he vaguely knew came out. He smiled at her, but she kept her head down and walked away in the direction of the practice rooms. He focused his attention back on the double doors and willed them to open.
"Eddy Chen?"
He managed not to jump again, took a deep breath and followed the voice into the studio. His heart was pounding hard, now, but he kept his face neutral, nodded at the pianist and turned to the committee.
There were four men and one woman were sitting behind several tables. John was there, in the middle, looking at him with those kind, kind eyes, and half an ironic smirk.
Did any of the rest of the committee know they knew each other? Eddy looked around the table and managed a smile.
"Hello Eddy." the man furthest to the left said. "You can begin any time."
"Okay, thank you." he mumbled.
Right, this was it. This is what he had worked for all these weeks. He glanced to the pianist and nodded again. And before he knew it they were off.
It seemed like only ten seconds later when he was walking back to the practice room.
"Eddy! How did it go?"
"Hey!"
He smiled at his boyfriend, who was there, waiting for him with Todd. God, it was a relief to see him. He was looking better too, much better than he had before. He had some colour to his cheeks now, even, and a small wave of pride pulled through him. Surely he had helped, right?
"It went okay, I think. We hear the results in a bit, yeah?"
Brett nodded.
"Yeah, at three, when everyone's played. Look, I'm sure you were great. I'd better get over there, though, I'm up in ten minutes."
He watched his love as he walked off towards the studio. Took a deep breath as he backed into the practice room and sat down on the floor next to Todd. To wait.
"Waiting is hell, right?" Todd remarked calmly from just above. "Brett seemed okay though. And you played alright?"
"Yeah. And yeah."
He didn't need to tell Todd how Brett had gotten to be okay, did he?
"How did it go for you?" he asked his friend.
"Alright." Todd said, and stared at the wall opposite them.
Yeah, Eddy could see that Todd was just the same as he was right now. There just didn't seem to be many words, in these situations. And it was true, too, what he had said. It had gone alright. He had played... well, of course not as well as he could in their studio at home, but well enough. Did he have a chance? He had no idea. But there was something else pressing up at him, something at least as important as playing well.
They were alone, right?
"So, Ian?" he asked neutrally. Giving him the opening to take it or leave it. Glanced sideways at his great friend, who was looking at the open door.
"He's up now."
"You... you good?"
Todd looked down at him with one corner of his mouth pulled up.
"Eh. Another time, okay?"
"Okay." he said straight away, but he had already stopped breathing when he saw the look in Todd's eyes, just before he managed to hood them again and put the beach boy bravado firmly back in place.
Shit.
He nodded into the room.
"Okay."
They sat in silence for a long while, until finally Ian walked in with a smile on his face.
"Well, that went a lot better than last year at least." he said, and Todd got up and slapped him hard, on the shoulder. Eddy looked at them both. They behaved like friends, best friends, like they had been for years. And only he knew it didn't feel that way to Todd, not anymore.
God, it would be hard, so hard to feel the way Todd did, and still just be his friend.
How he wished he had a way to help him.