Skipping class was not a good way to start my college career, which is why I returned back to campus after meeting with Eli.
Did I wish I could've stayed wrapped up in Matthew's arms for the rest of my life? Yes.
Too bad there wasn't a college course titled 'Sex-Ed with Matthew Thornberry'. I would've aced it with flying colors.
My best friend and official relationship stalker, Phoebe, had texted me for my location, so it was no surprise that as I walked through the lobby of my dorm building, she was there with my best guy friends in the world to offer me a shoulder to cry on--if I needed it.
Even Dorian was there despite our 'falling out', if you can even call it that.
"You doing okay, hun?"
I accepted Phoebe's cherry scented hug immediately, her copper strands whacking me in the face as they coiled out of her long ponytail but I didn't care; I just wanted her comfort.
"I'm okay. Definitely wanted to go do something totally stupid, but I went to..."
I was about to say that I had gone to Matthew's instead and done something incredibly hot instead of stupid, but I didn't want to rub it in Dorian's face that I was clearly happy with someone else, even as his upturned mouth tried to convey that he was happy to see me, but I saw through it, and the shadows underneath his eyes, as well as the stubble that coated his jaw which he usually kept freshly shaved.
Lan and Zeke were next, scooping me up in a twin bear hug that had tears pricking in my eyes, half from their inexplicable scent of body odor mixed with what had to be the Axe Body Spray and deodorant combo, and half from the sentiment that they cared this much about me.
Dorian was last, the hug folding me against him tighter than the others.
"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry for how I reacted. I'm stupid. You can punch me if you want," he whispered roughly against my ear, his mouth smooshed against the hair there and making out words that seemed to only be for me to hear.
I couldn't help the laugh that slipped from me at his words.
"There will be no punching going on, at least not from me, anytime soon."
I really hoped I didn't have to eat those words.
He pulled away and I could've sworn I saw silver lining his eyes, but it was gone in a blink.
"Don't worry about it, Dory. No hard feelings?"
Relief shone through his features, and just like that, we were back to normal.
Gossiping over the students, them telling me everything everyone had been saying, new rumors about me and my family, etc. etc.
It was almost too overwhelming to take in, but with Phoebe beside me holding my hand and Zeke and Lan giving me encouraging smiles...even Dorian was making me feel more at ease at school.
If only I could keep that comfort in classes, too.
***
The first 'incident' happened during the class I shared with Ben and his football buddies.
One of them coughed 'jailbait' as I walked by, but considering I was almost nineteen, I wasn't sure I understood their jab.
Then malice came in the form of my ex-boyfriend texting me during the class, though he acted in person as if I wasn't even there.
Ben: Is it true you fucked him while we were together?
Me: No. The only person who cheated in our relationship was you. Leave me alone.
Ben: Then did you fuck before we got together? Everyone's saying he was with you when you were a minor. That's fucking gross, he's like 7 years older than you.
Me: No, we never got together until after we broke up and I was clearly over eighteen and not that it's any of your business but he's 5 years older, and I'm an adult and can do what I want with who I want. Leave. Me. Alone.
Ben scoffed in his seat in front of me and I rolled my eyes while silencing my phone.
I'd had multiple people direct messaging me on social media, some finding my number and texting me--all asking about Matthew and our relationship.
I'd even had a few women and girls come forward and try to say that Matthew had been with them recently, some claiming it was on nights that he was with me, so I knew not to take anything they said at face value, but that nasty, oily feeling of panic and dread at the fact that maybe Matthew wasn't as committed to us as he said was writhing around in the back of my mind.
I trusted Matthew--I really did, but we hadn't been together a fraction of the time I'd been with my last boyfriend, and look how well that turned out.
The football players snickered in front of me, and I couldn't help but cringe in thought of them laughing at me.
The professor droned on and on and my hand cramped up with the speed at which I was note-taking.
A few girls in the row ahead of me who hadn't been able to stop staring since I'd entered the classroom craned their necks even further to watch me and poked each other and laughed amongst themselves, all the while pointing at me.
Actually fucking pointing, like I was an animal in an art exhibit.
"Ladies! Pay attention, please."
They reluctantly turned around, but not before waving at me like I was their best friend (we'd never had a single conversation).
This level of scrutiny wasn't something I was used to , seeing as Eli and V were the ones who bore the brunt of popularity and fame. This was my first true taste of it since I'd been sheltered from the media by my family, but it seemed those days were long over.
By the end of the class, my nerves were officially shot and my phone had approximately ten million phone calls and text messages.
What now?
A few were from Matthew, flirty texts promising phone sex later on if I was up for it, and the rest were from Eli and V with news about my father.
I listened to V's voicemail first.
"Hey Elodie, give us a call back as soon as you get this, we don't want you hearing this from someone other than us."
I quickly ended the voicemail and dialed V's number.
"Hey," she answered, voice sounding rushed and out of breath.
"Hey, what's going on?"
I edged past Lan and the rest of the football guys who had kept their eyes on me, especially Ben, and veered toward a corner where I could have some privacy.
"I don't want you to freak out. It's about your dad."
I snorted. Of course it was, when was it ever about anything else?
"What about him?"
"Your grandfather passed away last night in his sleep. They're having his funeral up here, and your father made it known to the press when and where it would be. The reading of the will is going to be held in a neutral space and everyone named in the will needs to be present, and you'll likely be on there. It's allowed since the restraining order against your father lapsed, and there's no legal recourse banning you from being within five hundred feet of him anymore."
"Oh."
That was the only thing that could come out of my mouth with the spinning going on in my head.
"You don't have to make a decision right now, the funeral isn't for two days and the reading of the will is tomorrow and--"
Her voice became distorted, warbling around the edges and sounding as if my phone had gone underwater.
At first I thought there was something wrong with my phone until I realized that it was me, in my head, the sensations all warping around my head and spinning me in a circle that never ended, just a constant disorientation that threatened to spin me around until I couldn't tell which way was up and which was down.
The tingles spread across my scalp, burning away any other rational thought so that all was left were the ones that poisoned my mind into thinking that I was anything but fine.
The room swayed, the walls buckled in on themselves and pushed in toward me, pulsing and beating as if with their own sentient heartbeats that rivaled the panic threading through my own.
"Elodie? Is that okay? What do you think?"
V's voice came through the phone sounding high pitched and wrong, like she'd been talking through a voice distorter that her producer used for some of her techno pop songs.
The walls were still crowding me, the burning on my forehead still searing my skin.
My breaths came in short, quickened spurts and I felt trapped, stuck inside my skin and a body and a life that wasn't mine, wasn't something I wanted anymore. Why couldn't I get out? Why couldn't I escape?
I just wanted to get out, get out, get out, feel something besides this pain, this fear, this panic settling deep within my bones that wanted to eat me up and spit me out as a brittle, unthinking husk of a person on the ground of a world who wanted nothing to do with me except to tear me down again and again.
Was I standing, or on the ground?
My hands pulled at my hair roughly, yanking out strands just to feel something else, something worse than this...but it wasn't working.
It was like I was on the edge of a massive cliff, free falling down, down, down and I couldn't stop the descent no matter how hard I tried, no matter how I tried to take control of it and every panic streaked tear that escaped my eyes.
There were people around me, but my vision was blurring and all sound came through muffled.
I was unseeing, unhearing.
I was vaguely aware of my legs and arms shaking violently, but I couldn't control my muscles, like they had a mind of their own.
I suddenly became aware of a tightness in my chest, like something was pressing down hard upon me and it felt like I couldn't get enough air down my lungs.
Soon after that, the pressure went away, but then my throat became constricted.
Was this how I died? Suffocating and hyperventilating on the ground in front of my friends and classmates?
"You're fine, you're fine, we're all right here."
Was that Lan?
"Good, Elodie. We're all here with you, we won't let anything happen to you."
Tears flowed freely down my cheeks and someone softly brushed them away before they reached my chin.
"What's wrong with her?"
"Get the fuck back before I do it myself. She doesn't need you crowding around her right now. Actually, everyone get the fuck away right now. You heard me! Go!"
Shuffling footsteps invaded my senses before blessed and cursed silence befell the hallway.
I could feel the cool tile underneath my legs, the gritty dirt from the unclean floor coarse against my hands that I dropped down below me.
"Hey, Elodie. What's two plus two?"
"What?" I somehow gasped out, despite the pressure sucking me down under its depths once more.
"You heard me. Two plus two."
"Four."
"Good. Four plus eight?"
"T-twelve," I answered through uncontrollable chattering teeth.
"Twelve plus twelve."
"Twenty-four."
Lan kept going until we got into the hundreds and he changed tactics to doing multiplication and division problems that I would've needed a calculator to figure out."
My shaking hadn't subsided, the tremors racking through me as if aftershocks from a trauma I'd endured.
"That was the fastest I've seen someone come out of a panic attack that bad. How did you do that?"
Dorian was by Lan's side, watching us with worried and concerned eyes.
"I get anxiety attacks daily. Math distracts that part of your brain that stimulates the panic and anxiety and refocuses your attention to something else."
"Hey I'm here what's wrong?"
Phoebe's voice flitted through the air, but I was too exhausted to open my eyes.
"You got her calmed down? You sounded really worried on the phone."
"I'm fine," I managed to choke out, but none of my friends were having it.
Soon enough, they helped me to my dorm where a concerned Taryn sat on her bed and watched my best friends take care of me after one of the worst panic attacks of my life.
"Here's some warm tea, and I got you a hot and a cold compress for your muscles being so tight and the cold for when you get hot flashes."
I reached for the warm compress as a shiver tore through me.
How long had I been losing my shit in the hallway anyway? It was already sunset, and my class had ended at four in the afternoon.
There were far too many people in my dorm room.
Phoebe, Lan, Dorian, even Zeke had shown up and was doting on me like I was a sick patient.
It wasn't that I didn't appreciate the help; I did, more than they would ever know, it was just a little...suffocating.
Which was a feeling I didn't need after the sensation of my throat closing up had only just gone away.
It was only when Matthew came tearing through my dorm room after Lan had opened it that I finally took what felt like my first real breath in hours.
I didn't know if he opened my airways or if his presence simply drew the panic away for a little while, but I knew in that moment I didn't want to be far enough away from him to test it out.
***
A/N:
This book is almost over!
Can you believe it?
The updates have lagged because of some immense changes in my life such as sickness/covid and moving, but I hope you can all be patient with me as we near the finale of this book!
What has been your favorite moment so far?
Least favorite?
What do you want to see more of before the end?
Want a spin off? If so, with which characters?
Let me know what you guys think!
Until next time my lovely readers,
Kristen :)
P.S. Don't forget to check out my newest book dropping 2-14-22 (Tonight) at midnight EST called 'The Lonely Girl'! I will announce it on my page when it goes live!