CW/TW: written depiction of a panic attack as well as food-related anxiety and allusions to food disorders, drowning, and self-harm
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Focus on how far you've come, not how far you have to go
~Unknown~
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He couldn't breathe.
Everything had started out fine—he might even dare to say perfect.
The transition at the airport was a little rough but when compared to other times, it could be considered relatively smooth.
He hadn't been able to spend as much time as he would have liked with Akari. That was alright. She was here, with them, so he had the whole future to look forward to.
Picnic dates, cuddling underneath the stars, meeting his family, holding hands, cooking together—everything he could think of and so much more! He'd be able to share it all with his soulmate, their soulmate.
So, he was content with the maknae stealing her away amidst claims of birthday privileges. The sweet sight of her smile was more than enough for him to fold as easily as wet paper.
He kept himself busy by completing some minor things that were on his to-do list. He had let it build up over the past few months, and he knew that he would regret it if he didn't knock it out now while he had the time.
Thankfully, the work didn't take more than an hour, and he was soon able to clear the clutter that had consumed the small lap table in front of him. After packing everything up, he carefully settled back into his seat, prepared to try his best to catch a few hours of sleep.
He had grown used to late-night worrying that kept him up, so much so that how quickly he slipped off to sleep surprised him.
He couldn't help but wonder if it had to do with his soulmate, peacefully slumbering mere feet away, his words decorating the delicate skin of her inner wrist.
As the comforting darkness enveloped him, the burst of light that lay between his shoulders almost seemed to radiate a comforting heat that only quickened his descent into the sweet embrace of sleep.
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(Four hours later)
He was somewhat surprised by the amount of sleep he had managed to get—far more than what he expected to get. He's not complaining though; he'd rather get more sleep than less sleep.
Once he was up, he took a moment to orient himself and think over the events of the past few days. Somehow, he managed to convince himself that they actually found their soulmate, that it wasn't just a dream.
Being able to see the top of her head resting against Jungkook's shoulder helped to confirm that this was, in fact, his new reality.
His stomach's grumble distracted him from his thoughts, bringing his attention to the monster he hasn't fed yet. Smothering a chuckle, his focus shifted to the goal of finding himself a suitable meal.
Deciding on what exactly he wanted took a few minutes, but he quickly managed to get a bowl of bibimbap, the delicious scents of the rice, vegetables, meat, egg, and seasonings mixing together to create a wonderful aroma.
The food was rapidly consumed, his hunger burning through the sizable portion until he was satisfied.
With that need fulfilled, he began a new task that would hopefully be received well. He knew he wouldn't be able to put it in to action for a while yet, but he had a feeling that it would be enjoyed immensely.
Drawn into his work, he didn't notice the minutes flying by, not until he glanced at his phone and realized that it had been close to six hours since the plane had taken off.
That was the spark that lit the flame.
Because when he thought about how many hours had passed, he thought about when the last time she had eaten was.
They had left the hotel around 8:15, arriving at the Starbucks about five minutes later, and leaving at 8:30 to stick to their schedule. She had gotten a sandwich and a drink, enough to serve as a breakfast, but not enough to sustain her for over six hours.
Was she hungry? Did she need to eat? Was she too nervous to ask for food?
No, that was silly. Of course, she wouldn't be nervous about asking for food. She had to know that they would feed her, that they wouldn't let their soulmate go hungry.
But...
But what if she didn't?
The thought rapidly grew, bouncing around in his mind until it was the only thing he could focus on.
He had to ask her right now.
He moved out of his seat, trying to pull on a facade of calm, trying not to let his worry consume him.
Walking down the aisle, he came upon them. They were both peacefully sleeping, and he almost felt bad for disturbing them. The urgent need to know, however, wiped away any guilt he might've felt at his next actions.
"Akari," he whispered, leaning down to gently place his hands on her shoulders. "Akari, wake up."
She didn't budge. Her soft breathing continued, undisturbed by his attempts to rouse her.
"Come on, Akari, you need to wake up," he tried again, lightly shaking her shoulders and trying to keep the worry out of his voice. "Akari."
Her response was a low, "Five more minutes please." Then, she turned away from him and burrowed deeper into the blanket covering her.
It took a solid twenty minutes to pull her from her sleep. He didn't know how the hell Jungkook didn't wake up from what was going on right next to him, but he didn't particularly care at the moment.
He supposed his annoyance was rather obvious, considering that she apologized immediately after she fully woke up. However, it vanished quickly with her words, more a result of his worry than any true irritation.
"It's okay. I just wanted to make sure you ate something." He searched her face, already seeing her answer in the furrow of her brow yet somehow wanting to be wrong.
He wasn't.
"The Starbucks sandwich was the last thing I ate," she said, shrugging her shoulders.
It's only years of self-control that kept him from jumping off the edge that he's been teetering on for the last half an hour. He remained calm, although barely.
"That was over six hours ago." He's sure his face told her everything she needed to know, the worry evident in the tense lines.
She acted resigned, almost dramatic, sighing before closing her eyes. "Well... I suppose I could do with some sustenance of sorts." And that made relief flood his chest because he could do that. He could get her food; he could make sure she was fed. He could take care of her.
She wouldn't feel hunger pangs or the gnawing pain of an empty stomach.
He immediately went to work, procuring a plate of spaghetti, salad, and fruit as well as a bottle of water. Carefully examining the food, he deemed it good enough for her consumption and set the plate in front of her.
The tiny voice in the back of his head only quieted when he saw her place the first bite of spaghetti in her mouth. His body relaxed, and he managed a small smile as she poked at the salad, a faint look of displeasure on her face.
Quickly taking note of her preferences—she loved the fruit (strawberries, grapes, blueberries, and pineapples)—he left her to eat in peace.
Though the voice telling him that he needed to feed his soulmate had quieted, his sense of guilt only grew as he realized how careless he had been.
Walking past his seat, he slid into the bathroom, locking the door behind him and flipping the sign to "occupied."
The bathroom, while nice, was small with barely enough room for one person. He leaned on the sink, examining the face in the mirror. His eyes traced the features he had grown so familiar with, looking at his reflection with a growing uneasiness.
He couldn't stand himself.
His breathing became uneven the longer he stared, his ears ringing as everything turned blurry. He knew he should be concerned, but he found it better that he couldn't see himself now.
Turning away from the mirror, he tried to calm down. He tried to even out his breathing. He tried to stop the illogical thoughts that floated around in his head.
'Worthless'
'Shameful'
'Useless'
He had eaten while she was hungry. The food sat heavy in his stomach, nauseating instead of comforting. He wanted to throw up, expel every particle of food that he had selfishly stolen from her.
He—he had to take care of her. That's what he's supposed to do. He took care of people; he watched over them. He fed them.
Who, who was he if he didn't do that?
What was he worth if he didn't do that?
Nothing.
He was absolutely nothing. He had failed at his purpose, had failed her, had failed them.
Because of his selfish desires, he had made her go hungry.
He—he had...
He couldn't breathe.
His nails dug into the skins of his palm, creating crescent moons.
But... the pain helped. He could focus on the pain and not—
'... his worthless and selfish and useless existence...'
—the thoughts flooding his head.
It came in waves, dragging him down and pulling him deep into its embrace. It felt like drowning, like breathing in liquid that filled his throat and flooded his chest until there was no room left for any air.
The waves crashed over his head, and he wondered if he could just let himself slip away with them.
Why fight?
Why struggle?
He could slide under and hide in a refuge from the cruel world. He could ignore the harsh realities.
His heart pounded, its beating the only sound he could hear. His hands trembled, his nails gouging crescent moons even deeper into the skin of his palms. He couldn't see what was in front of him, and there was a cold sweat sliding down his neck.
He couldn't breathe.
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A/N: Hi, you amazing, wonderful, gorgeous, handsome, awesome, and lovely people! After like over a year of an unintended hiatus, here is a new chapter of Mikrokosmos! Which, people, we are almost at 300k views and I just, I don't know, I think that's kind of wild?!?
Anywho, explanation time (cause I want you to know I didn't just dip out on y'all on a trip to the grocery store to get milk)! School was very much so hectic, especially because it was my first year back from online schooling + sports + school in general + social life stuff (ugh, so much drama). There was also a pretty bad time when a boy from my class made me physically uncomfortable, came up from behind me without me knowing he was there when we were the only two people in the hallway, touched my sides slightly above my hips, and laughed at me when I asked him for an apology and wouldn't speak to him. Then, my period started the same day and I had to go play a volleyball game (which we lost because I messed up a spike on the game point).
So, that is just one of the many things that happened this year. In addition to that, usually summer is when I have a lot more time to work on posting. This summer, however, I've been taking a few classes and doing a lot of babysitting and mandatory conditioning, so I've been pretty busy.
I am still as single as a Pringle and have no clue what exactly I want to do for the future, but what else is new?
That is my update on how things are going personally, so let's dive into this chapter! This chapter is like 'Music Is My Soulmate', which was a chapter focusing on Namjoon and his past a little. This chapter focuses on Jin and alludes to some issues from his past and occurs at the same time as 'Two Truths and a Lie Is Better Than Twenty Questions.' I would recommend maybe going back and reading over that chapter if you want to see Akari's perspective of Jin. The title of this chapter is pretty self-explanatory.
Oh! Another reason for my hiatus is my sudden and unforeseen love for One Piece. Anyone who knows about it realizes what I mean. Watching episodes (currently at 102/1,024), reading fanfic, watching AMVs, and basically consuming any form of media in regards to it.
One Piece is also somewhat to blame for this Jin + food-centric chapter (though I already had this chapter sort of planned) because I have feelings about Sanji (and Luffy and Zoro and Ace and Nami and Torao and basically any and every character (except for Akainu and Blackbeard, #iykyk)).
Okay! So, here is this chapter! I really hope you like it! I'd love to hear your thoughts and feedback on it! Loved it? Hated it? Didn't even think there was going to be another chapter? If you notice a mistake, let me know and I'll fix it as soon as I can! Please vote and comment! Thank you so much for your patience and reading! Until next time, my fireflies!
보라해 💜💜💜
(I have like 1000+ notifications to go though from Wattpad so wish me luck! Also, I lowkey panicked when I thought BTS was on a hiatus, which they're not—they're focusing on solo projects at this time and, I'm not gonna lie, super excited to see how this pans out!)