Excuse the mistakes
Enjoy!
August
It's now been two weeks since the attack on Xe and I'm on my way back to the hospital to pick her up finally. She went from only needing to stay one day to being there two whole weeks.
After running that last test Dr. Rochelle found some complications with the baby so she had to stay few more days to be monitored.
Xe was officially 5 months pregnant but was still really small which prompted her doctor to run more test.
I knew she was small but didn't think anything of it because Xe wasn't big to begin with and my mom carried me small as well. I was never a big baby even as a lil kid I was always the smallest one in the group with a big head.
Grams told me they use to be scared for me because my body was so small and fragile but my head was so big. I'd walk and sway as if I was about to tip over. I just knew my kid was gonna be small just the same.
The results from the test shows that our baby have fetal growth restriction otherwise known as intrauterine growth restriction. This happens when the unborn baby don't get the amount of nutrients and oxygen it needs to grow and develop organs and tissues.
Apparently when an unborn baby don't get enough oxygen or nutrients during pregnancy, the baby's body and organs don't grow as much as they should. This could also limit how much blood flows through the placenta and can cause the baby to get less oxygen than normal. This increases the baby's risks during pregnancy and delivery. According to Dr. Rochelle.
This has us all worried for both Xe and the baby but she said it's still not too late for the baby to hit their development milestones. She just gotta keep up with her appointments, take her vitamins and take it easy.
The doctor said Xe's placenta attached low in her uterus which is possibly the cause of this happening. Also her blood pressure is high so we have to monitor that.
If there are no changes or improvements with the baby it's possible she might have to go into early labor. However, there's still some hope. Dr Rochelle have been very informative and helpful with explaining everything to us. It also helps that Xe mom is a nurse she know a lot of information and it has been keeping Xe calm throughout this ordeal.
As for as we know, many small for gestational age babies have low birth weight. But not all are premature, she could still carry to full term. Only difference is that our baby would probably weigh less than normal babies who are carried to full term.
I've done my own reading up on the condition and found that fetal growth restriction usually doesn't cause long-term problems. Most babies who have it usually catch up in height and weight by age 2. Which was confirmed by Dr. Rochelle. She said if the case is mild then the baby will catch up to other children their age.
With our baby it's not severe but we are still being cautious. I can't lose another child and I'll do everything I can to make sure the rest of her pregnancy is smooth.
As of right now my lil family is my main focus. Once home is taken care of and I know they are both good. Then I'll circle back to the bullshit with Tony.
Don't get it fucked go though, I'm not lacking in anyway Kev and Chris been looking into everything. We gonna get it back in blood one way or another.
Having my brothers holding things down and watching my back give me more time to focus on my babies without being all over the place. Xe need my time and energy right now and that's where it's at. Gotta show her she's not in this alone I'm right by her side every step of the way.
Pulling up by the hospital I park in the handicap section out front. I'm not trying to have her walk to far to get to the car when we leaving.
"Hello August." The lady at the front desk said greeting me. They use to seeing my face up in here these last 2 weeks. I even slept here some nights staying way pass visiting hours but ain't no way I was gonna leave my baby side.
"Hey Ms. Lewis, how you doing today?" She was an older black lady who worked at the front desk. She was very nice and friendly.
"I'm good sweetheart." Walking over to the desk I sign in the daily log book."Okay. You already know where to go, have a bless day."
"Thanks and you too." With that I make my way up to the 5th floor where they moved Xe. Now she's in the maternity ward.
Walking to her room door I hear movement and another voice in the room so I knock before going in to alert her. I didn't want to barge in just incase it was her doctor or nurse in there with her.
"Come in." I hear her say from behind the door.
"Hi babyyy!" She said all excited and giddy with a big smile on her face. She's is ready to fly up outta here.
"Sup bro." nodding at her nurse I gave him a dap. "What's up Aug." he said returning the dap then leaving out the room.
"What's up babe, I see you're happy today." Leaning down I peck her lips repeatedly.
"Yes I am, the baby is doing good and I get to finally go home." I'm happy to hear our baby was doing well.
"That's good and you been ready."
"Hell yea! I don't have to come back until my next appointment in 3 weeks." This girl is crazy but I'm lowkey happy she's coming home too. A nigga haven't had a good nights sleep since she been up in here.
"So what else you need before we leave?"
"Well nurse Joshua just did my check up. My stitches are heeling great I don't have to come back to take them out since it's the dissolving ones. The baby is good they seen some improvement so I gotta just keep up with my vitamins and stuff. Other than that I'm ready to go."
"Oh and my mom signed the discharge papers right before you came she's working on the 2nd floor today."
"Alright sounds good, I brought you some clothes for you to go home in." She was sitting on the side of the bed so I pass her the bag and took a seat beside her.
"Thanks babe. I appreciate you so much being here for me."
"Of course, you know I'll do anything for you. Y'all my lil family and I can't wait to meet our baby. I just know she gonna look like you."
"Ooo that reminds me!" Grabbing an envelope she hand it over to me.
"What's this?" I can see the look of excitement and nervousness on her face.
"Well it's the gender of our baby. Nurse Joshua did the ultrasound this morning and he asked if I wanted to know but I didn't want to find out without you being here. So I told him to put the ultrasound in the envelope so we could find out together."
For the last week every time they did an ultrasound our baby would either be sleeping or just refuse to open it's legs so we couldn't find out what we were having.
"Finally, we have a stubborn one on our hands for sure. Our baby said she doing this on her own damn time." It's funny as hell cause both Xe and I have our stubborn ways and we do shit on our own time. This baby going to be problems.
"Right! Just like your big head ass." She said rolling her eyes.
"You're one to talk, your stubborn ass done gave me grey hair."
"Boy boo! Let's open it cause I'm anxious to know what we're having." I was feeling the same. It don't matter if we were having a boy or girl, even though I have been referring to him or her as she. I just want a healthy happy baby overall.
Her friends wanted to plan a whole gender reveal but we both shut it down immediately. More so me than her, I'm not with it and that shit is played out.
Grown ass people crying acting a fool when they find out their baby gender is not what they were hoping for. That shit is disturbing to me. No matter what you were hoping for boy or girl that baby is a blessing either way.
Some of those gender reveals don't even make sense. I'm sure half of them already know their baby gender but want to have a reveal and act a fool for social media. I'm not with none of that shit.
We will share this moment privately in our own way and then share it with our family and friends. If she want to do it in a creative way to surprise them that's fine with me but not all that extra shit.
"Aight babe, let's do this." taking a deep breath I slowly open the envelope.
I pull out the ultrasound from the envelope and was confused as to what the fuck we were looking at.
"Umm bae, you see..." I was cut off by Xe's scream of excitement.
"Flip the picture around babe we're having a booyyyy!"
Flipping the picture around to the side I see the little penis just hanging out.
"Ima have a son." The words came out of my mouth barely above a whisper. I'm lost for words.
Still looking at the picture a set of emotions came over me and I couldn't hold back the tears.
I was happy, excited and sad all in one. I never got to experience this moment with any of the other pregnancies. They never made it to the gender stage so this feeling was new it's different.
"Awww babe don't cry, you're gonna make me cry." Xe said while wiping my face.
"Are you not happy? I know you've been calling the baby a gir..."
"No, I'm beyond happy. More than you even know. These are happy tears babe trust me. It don't matter what we were having I'd still feel the same."
"Okay good cause I want you to be excited and happy for this moment."
"I never made it to this stage with the past two pregnancies. As you know Rose got an abortion didn't tell me and then you had a miscarriage before so we never got to the gender stage. This is just... it makes this feel more real. We could start giving our baby an identity you know coming up with names and stuff."
"I understand what you're saying and I'm happy we're doing this together. And that I could give you this moment." This is something I'll cherish forever.
Pulling her in my arms we shared a long deep kiss while I caress her bump.
Xena
"Damn babe." Pulling away from the kiss with Aug I tried catching my breath. "You took my breath away... literally."
"My bad, I just want to show you how much I appreciate and love you." I gently place my hand over his that was still rubbing my stomach.
"I love you too... We are having a boy. I can't believe it." I can't wait to see how he look. Would he be a mix of both of us or will he look like his big head ass daddy.
"Yea, a mini me that's crazy. Wait until Chris and Kev finds out." Shaking my head Aug let out a laugh cause he know they going to act a fool.
The reality that I was going to be someone's mom is starting to set in. Knowing the gender means we could start buying clothes and picking out baby names. Once you give the baby a name it solidifies everything.
This is really happening.
I don't even know what this means for me a few months from now or even a year.
I was supposed to be going away to college with my girls in a few months but that's not my reality anymore.
I know my mom and August said they'll share the responsibilities taking care of the baby while I finish school but I'd be a year behind my friends.
I'm not too sure I even want to leave my baby. I know he'll be in great care with his father and grandmother but what kind of mother would I be if I just leave my child behind.
Ill have to forget about going away and settle for a community college so I can be here for him and to see all his milestones.
"Baby you good what's wrong? Why you crying?"
"Ah um... nothing I'm fine, just thinking about things." I didn't realize I was crying.
"You wanna talk to me about it?"
"Not right now, ima change so we can get out of here."
I don't feel like talking about how I feel right now. Aug is still on a high of excitement finding out our baby's gender and I don't want to dampen the mood with my sour feelings.
I just need to get a grip and realize that I have to turn off the road I was traveling for my college dreams. I won't give up but I'll just have to take a detour for now.
I just hope I don't lose myself and my dreams on this new road I will be traveling.
Changing into the clothes that Aug brought for me we packed up my get well soon and congratulations balloons and some flowers so we could leave out.
I only kept the flowers that were still fresh. I had to throw out some of the older ones because they were dried up.
"Aye babe, you gonna have to let some of these balloons go. All these ain't fitting in the car."
"Well make it fit." I want my balloons so he better figure something out.
"Didn't you hear what I said?" Standing between me and the car he look at me like I'm crazy.
"Okay and didn't you hear my response? I said make it fit. I want my balloons so figure it out." He know damn well he could put some in the trunk and some in the backseat. It's simple.
"You know what... i don't know what got your mood sour and where this funky attitude coming from but tighten up."
"I'm Sorry." He is right. I hate when I overthink myself into a sour mood. I can't help it sometimes but he really didn't deserve the hostility I gave him just now. He's been by my side and very supportive.
Not responding to my apology. He went to put my things flowers and belongings on the back seat with whatever balloons that could fit. Then he fly the trunk to put some there and let go the others that couldn't fit.
"Let's go." Helping me up from the wheel chair, he walk me over to the passenger side of the car and help me get in before closing my door.
Putting on my seatbelt I watch him as he get in the car and start it up getting ready to pull off.
"Put on your seatbelt." I told him. This is something he always do hop in the car and pull off no seatbelt.
Not answering me or looking my direction he grab his seatbelt and put it on.
Oh great now he's mad at me. This is literally what I didn't want to happen but I somehow still ruin the mood. Instead of pestering him or forcing a conversation I lean my head back on the seat and look out the window.
"You want me to stop and get you something to eat?" I'm relieved he said something because the silence was deafening.
"Can you cook for me? I don't want any outside food." I said lowly a bit unsure of what his response would be.
"Yea, what you feel for?"
"Umm I think I want some shrimp and lobster Alfredo." His Alfredo is the best and he makes his sauce from scratch.
"Aight I'll stop at the fish market and pick up some fresh lobsters and shrimp."
"Okay." I respond then proceed looking out the window.
"What's going on? Tell me what's on your mind and don't tell me it's nothing." He ask right as I was about to drift off and get lost in my thoughts.
"I'm just thinking about becoming a mom, having someone depend on me and all the changes I'll have to make."
"Don't overthink this, you're going to be a phenomenal mother and ima be right here with you."
I know nothing about being a mom this is scary to me. I didn't even want kids in the first place. I always use to say I don't want kids and now look at me.
"I'm sorry for getting hostile with you back at the hospital." Apologizing again for my attitude I hope the change the direction of the current conversation.
"It's cool and I know you're trying to avoid talking about your feelings but I want you to talk to me and communicate about what you're dealing with. We are in this together so whatever you're feeling or going through I want to know so I can help. If you don't talk to me about what's going through your head I can't help. Bottling up your feelings and lashing out at me won't work."
He's absolutely right but it's hard to talk about how I'm feeling. My emotions are all over the place and I overthink everything.
"I know, I just overthink things a lot and I wish I could stop doing that. Things would be going great and I just start overthinking and it fucks with my mood. I don't mean to take it out on you though so I will try to communicate my feelings better."
"Everything is going to be okay... we're going to be okay." Grabbing my left hand he brings it up to his lips kissing the back of my hand repeatedly.
I really love this man.
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Any suggestions for baby names?