A n a s t a s i a
There have been many instances in the past where love has been a questionable topic for some. It is a word defined by adoration for a being or object. It is piled within the positive category of emotions, yet that seems rather foolish to me. The placement of the word within a bundle of joy and blessings seems so undermining when it can be so torturous and painful.
As the English playwright William Shakespeare once said, "true love never did run smooth". I supposed that this was a true representation of love. It is beautiful, exciting and new, yet raw, hurtful and confusing all at once.
I had never properly encountered love in the sense where it was shared between me and one other person. My partner or my soulmate. A teenager normally would not experience that type of feeling unless they were very fortunate. Living amongst other teenagers underground, there were relationships between some of them, although I never engaged in that myself. I was never drawn to it; and as I grew up, I merely thought that love was a fantasy.
But this has changed since being above ground and amongst the Vampire race. I suppose that it has taken a while but I have warmed to this new life and most importantly the person who has given this all to me. Harry Edward Styles was a quizzical character when I first met him and he still is, but there are feelings there which I have never felt before.
The past couple of weeks have been different for me. I have been shielding these feelings as if they did not matter. I had not spoken to Harry at all about them and I was scared. I was petrified of the possible rejection, or perhaps the ultimate fact that he was still deeply in love with his lost lover.
I have learnt many aspects of life since living in this world, and one of those is love. You know that you are in love when you do many of these small actions which add up to the bigger picture. There are certain unconscious actions between one another. And perhaps on some days, all you want is for him to cuddle you and hold you until you fall asleep. The love is even shared between those simpler actions, whether or not you are awake. It is still there.
When you really think about it, love is crazy and fanatical. There is one being out of the millions that still exist on planet earth, yet this particular person is made for you. You may eventually find this person upon your journey of life and suddenly everything makes complete sense. These aspects of yourself which you grew to hate become something that they love. And the sad part is, you may fall in love with this person despite these minimal conflicts, yet you may not always end up with one another.
You could either marry them or break up with them. It may seem disastrous if it was the ending, mostly due to the fact that you share everything with one another. You tell them anything and all, no matter what the consequences. They will not judge you for it. This is the crazy thing about love. Someone can accept you for all of your faults, and it is perfectly fine because they adore you.
I had experienced many of these feelings with Harry in the past month. It has been ever-growing and I feel as if I finally realised the real reasoning for this. I know that it must be true. I have researched and read so much recently that some of what these stories say must be honest. Books are partially based off of real experiences. I know that they are and now I understand what they are trying to convey.
When it comes to Harry, I experience such a wave of emotions. He believes that his fatal flaw is the fact that he is a Vampire, whereas I think that it is what makes him wholly stronger. I cannot go a day without thinking about him and the thought of us being together. Being in his arms whilst he covers me in an array of delicate kisses leaves butterflies swarmed in my stomach. Seeing his kind smile makes my day, and all of these other little elements of him are visible throughout every moment spent in his presence.
Most of all, I want him to be happy, even if it means that he is not in love with me.
Harry is currently in a rather stressful predicament. He is battling between the love he shares for Lola and the news that she is actually alive. She lied to him for so many years that he is wondering why he has wasted all of his time aching for her. He questions whether anything they shared was ever real, and that is one of the most heart-shattering things that I have ever had to watch. Yet from the events that happened yesterday, it is clear that Harry is still in love with Lola.
And this breaks my heart even more because I have finally realised that I am utterly and completely in love with him.
I thought of telling him a few times in the past couple of days. Yesterday changed this. I tried to comfort him the best that I could, and I felt as if I had done enough. This was until he left me alone and then never returned. I have not seen him since he walked out of the library and I am worried. Being awfully concerned about someone and not having the ability to contact them is tormenting.
The day had passed by so slowly and it eventually reached the evening time. I had attempted to be productive instead of continuing my loitering around the house, so I headed towards the kitchen to make some food.
My eyes peered down at the peeled potato, and I picked up the sharp knife beside it as I slowly cut into the vegetable. I had been taking out my stress on this meal which I spontaneously decided to make. I hoped that Harry would come home this evening to eat it.
I had learnt how to prepare a selection of meals recently, and decided that I would try to make a traditional dish. Harry informed me that he and his family used to eat a Roast Dinner every Sunday, so I decided to make something that he enjoyed to cheer him up.
The meal would take a long time to prepare, which was perfectly all right as I had been awake rather earlier this morning. I had not gotten much sleep the night before as I was up worrying about the location of Harry. He had not even sent one of his loyal servants to check in with me. That was rather strange considering that he usually makes someone see me every few hours.
I had almost finished chopping enough potatoes to roast, when I was rudely interrupted by a loud buzzing sound. I cringed covered my ears with my hands before shrieking as the noise thundered painfully through my ears. My eyes squinted before a figure appeared in front of me. The noise then stopped and I withdrew my hands from their place.
Standing before me was a familiar face that I had seen only twice. She still looked just as beautiful as I remembered her, with long brunette hair shaping her sharp yet striking face. She was wearing a short black dress, along with a long and thick navy cloak which was tied at her neck. She was much taller than me and her piercing eyes looked at me just as I remembered.
She was the Vampire who I had walked into when I was in the King's Castle, and it baffled me as to why she was here. I decided not to say anything as she stared at me with her pointed eyes. There was amusement dancing in her features and this confused me.
"Miss Anastasia, I never thought that I would see you working in the kitchen." She spoke patronisingly with her strong voice that intimidated me.
"I am not working." I gulped and then frowned at her. "I thought that it would be nice to cook a meal." I explained myself. I remember being smart mouthed with her before, and I was in no mood for confrontation. I was too concerned about Harry.
"Oh," she held up her hand to silence me before I could reply again. "I did not want your reasoning's. I want to know where Harry is." Her eyes continued to pierce into me as I remained silent. I did not know this Vampire, and her entrance was eventful. Something in my gut is swirling and I was unsure if I should trust her.
"Who are you?" I chose to ask instead, thus ignoring her question. She obviously worked for or with the King, considering that I saw her at the Castle. She used very colourful words when she spoke to me last time we met and I was surprised by her somewhat calmer tone now in comparison.
"Silly, Anastasia," she began to laugh at me from across the island counter. "I am the love of Harry's life."
That was all I needed to hear for everything to click into place. This is the woman who had caused so much pain in the past twenty-four hours. She was the reason that Harry had left to clear his unhappy thoughts. She caused him to cry with all of his heart. She betrayed him. The woman stood in front of me was Lola. And I had no idea how to appropriately react.
"You need to leave." I then demanded. Harry was not here and he left to clear his head. I doubt that he wants to see her now. It is too soon after the wound she created was opened.
"No." Lola replied, as she then sped around the island to stand beside me. She was a few inches taller, due to her high heels and it was intimidating. She stood over me with an aggressive expression, which made me grip onto the sharp knife in my hand tighter.
"You could have phoned him." I suggested, slowly edging away from her.
"Ah," she pretended to sigh, "You are a stupid human and therefore will not understand." I almost dropped the knife at the insult but I then tensed my grip even more. "You should not be allowed to hold such a tool," Lola then continued at she glanced down at the large knife, edging even closer towards me. "You could harm someone." She spat her words directly into my face. My jaw clenched at her actions.
"Back off." I threatened. Lola then bared her fangs at me and I jumped backwards in freight. With the newfound distance between us, I held up the knife and pointed it towards her assertively.
Lola began to laugh again and my eyebrows furrowed. I did not want her to think of me as a stupid human, I was stronger than that. My thoughts were interrupted as she finally advanced towards me with a snarl. Her teeth were dangerously close to my neck as her hands engulfed my wrists. She began to squeeze my bones tightly within her heightened strength and I cried out in pain. I was whimpering as the knife slipped from my fingers and clattered to the floor.
Lola let go of my wrists as she looked triumphantly at me, and that made my blood boil in rage. I was fed up with these Vampires who used their added strength to belittle me. I twisted my left wrist to rid some of the pain and then instantly reached up towards her face. I slapped her hard across the cheek and she screeched in both surprise and anguish at the force.
I did not expect the next event to follow that, but I was shoved backwards by a stronger force. It was too manly to have been Lola. My legs held their balance on the kitchen tiles which prevented me from falling over. I then inhaled heavily before looking at whoever had pushed me. My eyes widened in both shock and hurt once I realised who it was. Harry was stood in front of Lola with a protective stance and my gut twisted at the expression he gave me. His eyes broke from mine and he shook his head before mumbling to himself.
I merely stood with both confusion and hurt as he turned around and faced Lola. His left hand reached upwards at the mark I had left on her face. It had not healed yet, and he knew that it would in a few moments, but he still caressed it regardless. Lola closed her eyes as if his movements were calming her, and that felt as if she had stabbed the forgotten knife into my chest.
"You are alive." He spoke mostly to himself, as if he was still puzzled by the events that happened yesterday.
"Harry," Lola spoke in a sweet tone. I could tell that she was practically faking it, considering how she had previously spoken to me. "I am so, so, sorry about everything." She whispered as his other hand engulfed her other cheek.
Tears glassed over my eyes as the pair continued to stare at one another dotingly. This was the prospect which I was hoping would not happen. She broke him yesterday yet it appears that his love for her is still as strong as it ever was. I could feel it radiating from him. He loved her more than anything.
A dejected sound escaped from my throat and Harry appeared to snap from his trance as he turned to face me. His eyes were softer now and there was some remorse in his eyes. This then abruptly changed the longer that he stared at me. His eyes became colder and mirrored his harsh demeanour. His hands were now by his side and my own eyes could not leave them. They had been on her face, caressing a wound which she deserved.
"How dare you!" Harry eventually snapped at me and I gulped heavily as my eyes shifted up to his once more.
"How dare I?" I was shocked at his behaviour towards me. I had not done anything wrong. If only he had seen.
"You slapped Lola across the face. I walked in, hoping to speak with you about everything and I see you hurting her. You should never, ever hit a Vampire that way!" He yelled at me angrily and felt even smaller than before. "Especially Lola!"
I had no time to reply as the pair of them exited the room and out into the hallway. It was not as if I had any words to form anyway. I was so dumbfounded and hurt that I was unsure of what to do first. He was behaving so out of character. It was if he had changed overnight.
I watched as they were having a heated conversation in the hallway. I could not hear them but I doubted that I wanted to. I gulped a few more times as I could feel the cries forming inside of me. How could I be so foolish? Regardless of what had happened between them, I knew that they would get over it. They are evidently meant for one another.
I am just another stupid human amongst this malicious race.
There was nothing else in that moment keeping me in the situation. My feet rushed towards the backdoor and I opened it. I then ran faster than I ever had before. My body crashed through the large field as I tried to escape this torture. I was hurting. Everything was spinning.
My tears had finally escaped and I was crying louder with every step. I was edging further towards the woods and I no longer cared. The wind was sweeping my hair in all directions and thunder clapped from the sky above as rain clouds began to form. Vampires could not go out in the rain. Not that Harry would follow me anyway.
The rain refused to fall, much opposing the droplets on my face. I eventually ventured through the woods until I reached a clearing which I had passed a few times during our walks. I found a large boulder and sat down.
I was heaving as I continued to cry. I could not stop. I had not cried this hard for such a long amount of time, that it felt as if the world was ending. Sometimes a person is so hurt to the point where all sense is lost. I felt like that. Nothing seemed to be going how it should. I felt like a lost pawn in a vicious game.
I choked as I continued to cry, and I violently wiped the tears away as they continued to fall. This is what it feels like when the person you love is in love with somebody else. It shatters you. It hurts. I had read about this in many books yet I never expected to actually experience this pain myself.
Time continued to pass, as did the threatening prospect of rain. Through the small cracks in the trees, I could see the sun appearing from behind the clouds. It was the only aspect of the world that appeared to be uplifting.
I felt foolish for crying. These tears were stupid, but I suppose they represented how everyone saw me. A silly, little girl. I was angry at myself for crying at first, yet now I am beyond caring. It was out of my control.
As I wiped away some stray tears from my cheeks, I noticed the faint marks glistening on my wrists. There were faint bruises evident on my skin from where Lola had grabbed me. I aggressively tried to scrub them away, as if they could. But they remained, just like the hurt which was piercing through my heart.
"Anastasia!" I heard him call. Why was he calling me? "Anastasia!" He shrieked once again. I did not want to respond.
My cries were slower yet still evident as I heard a crunching sound behind me. I then heard a shuffling behind me before he stood in front of me. I flinched but then stilled with a sigh. Harry actually appeared to be concerned. He wore a torn expression, and one which I found hard to understand. I pulled down the sleeves of my top without him noticing my wrists, and continued to peer up at him with crossed arms.
"Why are you crying?" He softly asked, as if he was being remorseful.
"No reason." I muttered and then looked away from him. I could not stomach it. His question seemed forced. There was a short silence as I then felt his hand grip my chin before he turned my head to face him. He was now crouched in front of me. We were glancing into each other's eyes with so much emotion that I was unable to decipher what he was honestly failing to articulate. He then sighed heavily before letting go.
"You should stop." He spoke lowly.
"Stop what?" I was baffled.
"Stop attention seeking, Anastasia." He signed once again, unable to glance at the hurt on my face as he stood up from his position. "Why can you not just be happy for me?"
"You want me to be happy for you?" I bounced back. He was being so different and confusing.
"Yes!" He urged. "I know that the situation is hard and dire but at least she is alive." He began to explain and I was not sure that I wanted to hear it all. "I will always love her regardless of what has happened. She was a major part of my human life." His night away must have led him to think this all over.
I did not know what to say. I wanted to support him, and I told him that I would. But this was so much harder than I thought it would be. I turned away from him once more; I could not bear to look into his eyes.
"You are behaving quite selfishly, Anastasia." He continued. "You should be happy that Lola came back to me."
My head snapped towards him in an instant. The guilt obviously hit him as he urged back towards me with remorse. He had realised what he had said. He spoke as if he could control my thoughts and emotions, and had the power to deduce how I should feel.
"I am sorry," He apologised, but it felt empty to me. "Anastasia, I did not mean it in that way." I finally stood up from my position and took a deep breath before finally speaking.
"You were so angry yesterday." My voice was shaky but loud. "You said so many horrible things about how she betrayed you, yet now you are saying the complete opposite." I shrugged as if it was nothing. "You are a liar." I accused venomously. I pulled back the sleeves of my top and showed him the bruises on my wrist, which were now a faint shade of purple. "I am glad that you two have found one another again, because your love is a wonderful person." I shook my wrist in his face to show him the marks and then I laughed miserably. Sadness was dripping from me.
"Anastasia, please." He was almost begging.
"No, Harry." I shook my head as another tear cascaded down my face. "It is fine that you have found your love again, I am happy for you." I paused. "Regardless to everything that she has done, you obviously love her more than anything." Another tear dropped. "You clearly do not need me anymore, which is fine." It was not fine. "You probably only used me for a good fuck anyway."
A heavy weight still fell upon my shoulders as I stormed away from him. I did not hear any footsteps following me and I was glad. He should stay where he is. I needed some space. Collecting my muddled thoughts would be good, I supposed. I would have attempted this if he hadn't had gazed at me so ruefully.
I could not handle his stare any longer, it was tearing me apart. He had completely turned on me the second that Lola appeared, which just showed how much he actually cared about me. I was just used to fill a void inside of him, none of it was real. I have been living in a silly fairytale and it was about time that the real world caught up with me. The Earth is a horrible and dark place, and is run by these vermin Vampires. Harry is one of them, and I was stupid enough to not have seen it from the beginning.
He had taken everything from me. I gave him so many of the feelings and memories that I kept sacred, and he has even acquired one of the most intimate parts of me. He took over my whole being and in these last few weeks, I was certain that I had fallen in love with him. I did.
Undoubtedly he does not feel the same, so I decided to carry on walking throughout the woods, ignoring the gut wrenching pleas to turn back and fight for him. He had clearly chosen her over me. I could see it in his eyes when he looked at her. She was the one who lightened his life, not me. He had longed for her over his two hundred years of being a Vampire, and I was foolish enough to believe that he had magically forgotten all about it.
These thoughts continued as I journeyed back through the woods. My feet continued to pace over fallen branches and twigs and they cracked beneath my feet into multiple parts, shattering like my heart just had when I realised that Harry does not love me.
~~~~~~~~~
This was a more sad chapter, again. 💔
This is also a long note but please read!
1) I am terribly sorry for the ridiculously long wait for this chapter. It was awful and I'm sure that I've lost a lot of readers from it. I didn't do it purposely and no, I haven't got writers block. This was purely because I haven't had time! I finish Uni THIS WEEK and I still have two assignments to finish. I also had others which I've slowly been doing. I've basically not had enough time to write them and my story at the same time. I'm really sorry but my degree comes first! I promise that the next chapter won't take that long. You will have it next week as I'll be home and won't have any plans due to it being the Summer holidays!
2) If you follow me on Instagram/Twitter then you probably already know this, but, I met Zayn at the Asian awards the other week! Finally got my photo with him after four and a half years of trying (I have met him but never got a piccy BOO), and he was so happy and chilled out which was lovely to see. It was just the highlight of my Easter holidays, and probably my year so far!
3) I finally made a trailer for this which is attached :) I've also posted it to the blurb page... thing... (what even do you call that?) (the first page?) (idk)
4) I don't know if many of you guys have read my Niall story 'Breathless' but it hit 100,000 reads the other week! And I'm sooooo happy! It's my first story to ever reach that insane amount. :D So thank you if you've ever read it!
So yeah, that's all from my life currently!
My phone froze the last time I posted because I got so many comments... and I would strangely love for that to happen again! I'm not going to lie, I laughed at the majority of them because I wasn't expecting that kind of reaction, haha.
Two chapters left!