The Girl With A Broken Mind

Borderline Personality and Idealization ×10

Fuck.. it's been a while since I've idealized someone this hard. I'm so completely infatuated. I didn't mean for this to happen. I wasn't looking this time. I was finally at the point where I was content with being alone. I didn't mind it. I preferred it. Spending time with people just didn't interest me. Men, didn't interest me. I was done. I wasn't attracted to them, I had absolutely no interest. I've gone back to liking strictly women. I was only attracted to women. I hit up someone I hung out with one time in the past. We had fun. We started hanging out and I only saw him as a friend. That's all we were. We didn't kiss. We weren't all cuddly. Then one night we were in his car singing along to old bands I used to listen to in highschool. It was so fun. Letting go and just being ourselves. I just looked at him and a switch just flipped in my brain. I looked at his face and suddenly he was so beautiful. I kissed him and and there I go. I'm infatuated. I want him. I want to be his. I want him to be mine. I feel this bond, this chemistry. Attachment. Suddenly all I think about is him. I just stare at him. Amazed that this beautiful human exists. Unlike the other men I've ever been interested in, he's so gentle and sensitive. He's caring and sweet. A guy I would normally friend zone. But in that moment I can see more. I can see me being with him. Happy. We've since had sleepovers. Kissed, been.. intimate. We've grown closer but to me it feels like it's been months. That this time that has passed has been so much longer. It's only been a week. My feelings are so intense. I've grown such intense feelings there is literally no way at all that he could possibly feel the same way about me. Unless he also has BPD. Which, he doesn't. If only right? This isn't hurting yet but I know the inevitable torture that is to come. My feelings with continue to uncontrollably grow at an intense rate and his will grow at a normal rate. Leaving me feeling misunderstood and unloved/uncared for. I hate Borderline Personality Disorder. And I hate the delusions that lead me to believe for a time that his feelings are just like mine until my reality breaks and I see what is truly going on. That I've overexaggerated my place in that person's life. I do it everytime.