The Girl With A Broken Mind

*Trigger Warning* Schizoaffective Borderline And My Downward Spiral. I Need Help

I don't want to forget this. Im so scared. Im in such a downward spiral. I need to be hospitalized. I need help!!! I've been meeting strangers off the internet again. I've been getting high with them. Every single thing that I am and or everything I do is wrapped around my mental illness. I'm so deep in this. The voices are getting worse. I can hear banging on the walls. Yelling. My paranoia has me slipping into delusions. I know people are talking about me. I hear it. When I'm leaving the room. I hear my brother and his wife talking about how I'm always bumming cigarettes and weed. When my brother is cleaning the house I know it's because he's trying to make me look bad so my parents will get sick of me and kick me out like last time. But it's not real, they aren't even talking. I heard it clear as day. My mind is tormenting me. I'm spiraling. I'm meeting people from a Facebook group I'm in. Getting in their cars and going to their house to smoke weed. I took a job as a webcam model. I worked one day and am terrified because I have to work tomorrow. I don't want to. Now that I've come out of my delusion. I don't want to do that but I'm so scared my parents are going to kick me out because they want me to have a job. But I can't! I can't do anything. I need to be hospitalized. I need help. I need to get back on meds. I'm so scared for my life because I only come to reality like this when I smoke weed. I know that sounds crazy but I'm serious. I smoked today and my brother was talking about his friend with ptsd and a guy that works at a gas station around the corner that gives him bad vibes. He told me to be careful and I realized how I don't even keep my guard up. I'm so trusting but only to pretty faces. I'm blinded and naive. I got off the bus with a stranger yesterday to go to a dispensary and smoke. I didn't think. We were gonna go to his house and smoke. As I was sitting at the bus stop to go to his house I realized what I was doing and told him I had to go home. I cried and had a panic attack when I got home because I see what I'm doing when it's already too late. Yesterday was the first time I actually chose not to go with him. I'm terrified I'm going to get raped or killed. I need hospitalization. Besides my sister, the rest if my family chooses to stay ignorant. Help me...