My parents' car is moving at the signs prescribed speed, to the border between the worlds.
We've been driving for about fifteen minutes, and I still can't get over the shock.
Nothing foreshadowed what had happened.
I look out the window, but I can't tell where we are due to utter darkness.
I can't even believe that my parents are capable of such an adventurous move – to ignore the rules for me.
Mother decides to break the silence first.
"Vivian, I hope you'll explain what happened. I'm glad you're finally back with us."
I'm grateful to father that he doesn't tell me anything about what he saw in the house.
Maybe he is still as stunned as I am, and it's only a matter of time before he starts sharing information with mother and judging my behavior.
"I think a car is following us," father says tensely.
I turn around and see two headlights burning in the distance.
Did Aiden realize he'd made a mistake?
What if it really is him?
Can I forgive him and come back?
While I'm lost in thought, the mysterious car draws level with us and immediately overtakes, blocking the way.
Now I recognize this car and the person in it.
Leo.
"Vivian, do you know who this is?" my mother begins to worry.
"Yes, this is my friend," I lie. In fact, I now have no idea who is who.
"What does he want?" she continues to push.
"Obviously, the same thing as me," I reply and meet father's restless gaze in the rear-view mirror.
Until Leo showed up, I had no intention of staying here, on this side.
All I could think about was the pain of being betrayed by a loved one.
Now that my mind has sobered up a bit, I can, as it seems to me, think sensibly, and I realize that Leo is my only chance to do everything my way.
It's now or never.
"What does this mean?" my mother asks in surprise, turning to me from the front seat.
There is an angry-confused expression frozen on her face.
It's now or never, I remind myself.
"Please don't get me wrong, but I...I feel alive here with the whole spectrum of emotions and experience that I get. Even though not all of them are pleasant," there is no point in hiding the truth. "At home I feel like a puppet, forced to repeat someone's actions....You gave me life, now please let me live. Let me go. Let me be where I feel best."
No one and nothing will force me to return to the realm of punishments and restrictions - freedom is as sweet as a forbidden fruit, which once tasted, will not be exchanged for anything in the world.
My parents' faces instantly darken - they hardly expected such a decision from me.
By mother's complexion and by the way her nostrils flare, I can see that the reaction is going to be immediate.
"So you're saying that you're going to abandon us and stay in this godforsaken place without actual rights? Why then were there so many years of intense study and hard work? To fall in with some drug addict here and work for minimum wage somewhere in a dirty roadside cafe?
I was hoping that if you still don't want to start a family, then at least you will succeed in your career, but that didn't happen either. What are you even for?"
My eyes widen uncontrollably, the sharp claws of self-contempt dig deep into my already vulnerable heart.
I try to convince myself that she blurted it out out of helplessness and resentment.
Can anyone really think that such words can make to stay?
They only strengthen me in the belief that I need to move on.
Before one of my parents has time to speak, I decide to put an end to it all.
"I love you, even if we are forbidden to talk about it out loud and even if you do not have reciprocal feelings towards your failure of a daughter who fulfilled none of your hopes," I manage in a voice in which tears can be heard.
At this moment Leo approaches our car.
I only notice him when he starts opening the door from my side.
The realization that this may be the last time I see my parents makes my eyes fill with bitter tears.
Mother and father are silent, looking at me.
They won't shed a tear, because it doesn't correspond with the rules. They have lived in the system longer than I have, they are more used to controlling their emotions.
Leo opens the door and holds out his hand to me, I put my palm in his without hesitation.
"I'm sorry," I whisper at last, swallowing a tear lump in my throat.
Please may it be the right choice I make this time.
Leo immediately lets go of my hand and moves with quick steps to his car.
I can barely keep up, following him.
It takes everything I have not to look back. God knows, I don't want to part with my parents, callously abandon them to the mercy of fate, but I know I won't last long in my world.
Here I have hope, there is only despair.
The guy, like a gentleman he is, opens the front door of his car for me. He is in a hurry, as if we are being chased.
He doesn't know my parents and their habit of doing everything as they are told, even if deep down they want to do it differently.
I don't dare say a word, even though my head is full of questions I can't wait to ask. For example, what was his motive when he decided to follow me?
Was it Aiden's idea?
"We need to stop by Grace's to take at least some of your things for a while at first," Leo says judiciously, glancing in the rear-view mirror with slight anxiety. "I know there's no one there right now."
I look at him with confusion, trying to read, what is happening, on his face.
"No one..."
"Yes, no one knows what I did," he interrupts me quickly.
Well, at least I'm aware of one thing for sure - Aiden doesn't care, he has no regrets.
This fact hurts my pride.
"Maybe we shouldn't do this? Aiden clearly doesn't want to see me here..." I voice my doubts.
"I don't care what he wants. This is your life, you have to make your own choices. If you want to stay, stay. Aiden and I have been friends for a long time, he's like a brother to me. But he's wrong here and did you dirty," Leo reasons fiercely.
A few silent minutes pass when he decides to ask.
"Vivian, you want to stay, don't you?"
I take a deep breath, trying to give an honest answer to his question.
"The truth is I'm lost. Lately, I have been constantly faced with heavy, dark thoughts: Why did I live up to my age? What am I fighting for? I don't know what I want. It feels like I've failed all along the life line.
Just recently I began to have a glimmer of hope I will be able to feel involved and needed here.
I even felt joy at times.
Most of these moments are filled with him," I pause, wiping away tears - I'm not going to pretend everything is fine, "I've lost and can't find myself anymore, but I think it's better for me to stay here, no matter what, because here I have freedom of choice....Although I'm starting to think the resistance I have to put up at home gives at least some meaning to my life..."
Leo takes his eyes off the road and looks at me sympathetically.
I smile at him, embarrassed and a little guilty. It was a vital need for me to talk out.
"I'm so, so sorry," the guy says and touches my hand in consolation.
"Me too," I reply, smiling stupidly through my tears, "You know, I feel like I would now get that 'life sucks' tattoo"
We both burst into laughter.
It seems what I'm experiencing now can be quite diagnosed as hysteria: laughter and tears at the same time. But, oh dear, how healing it is to laugh when your soul is bleeding!
I thought I'd never be able to feel joy again.
"You need to smile more! You are dazzlingly beautiful when doing this," Leo suddenly admits, obviously wishing to cheer me up.
He's an angel.
Instead of answering, I stare at my palms in embarrassment - it's unusual for me to hear compliments.
"Leo, what happens when Aiden finds out you went against his will?" I ask anxiously.
I really wouldn't want him to get in trouble because of me.
"I have no idea. I don't know what the fuck he did all this for and how he feels about it.
I found out about everything by accident. I guessed from his suspicious behavior, to be exact", the guy squeezes the steering wheel crossly, "Honestly, I don't give a shit at all! This selfish fucker has to learn to think not only about himself."
I never expected to see the always positive and polite Leo so angry and not holding back in his choice of words.
He and Aiden are more alike now than ever.
Five minutes pass when we pull up to Grace's house.
I wonder why she's not here yet? Is she still solving the problem with suppliers?
Leo sees me hesitating.
"Viv, I swear, there's no one in there," he assures me, looking into my eyes, "I'm gonna get my gym bag out of the trunk now - throw everything you need there. I'll come back for the rest of your stuff later."
I silently nod in response, gathering my strength.
The vortex of events is driving me crazy.
As much as I love Grace, I wouldn't want to meet her face to face right now, because then I would have to explain something I don't fully get myself.
I fear our paths will have to part at this point.
Only now, thinking about Aiden's grandmother, I realize that by quitting communication with her, I lose my job, and, therefore, my income.
Can my life become even more pathetic?
Anxiety begins to grow uncontrollably inside.
"Vivian, you better hurry up if you don't want to run into one of the Carters," Leo reminds me, opening the car door and helping me out.
Yes, I need to put aside the problems flooding my head now - I will still have time to think about everything carefully and find a way out.
It's a good thing I didn't leave my bag with the key at Grace's house before everything happened.
I was too eager to see Aiden...
When I remember how excited I was to confess my feelings to him, tears come to my throat again.
It's time to stop being so naive at my age.
Probably, this is my personality trait, not a temporary state.
Then I will have to get used to the fact I will always be deceived and betrayed.
Here is another "pleasant" thought about the future.
I open the door and immediately rush upstairs to my room.
"To your former room," my annoying inner voice reminds me.
Anyway, upon reaching the destination, I run to the closet and grab the first things I come across.
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice there is something from casual clothes in the stack - this is the most important thing.
It's also necessary not to forget the underwear and that small amount of cosmetics that I have.
Oh, yes, and shoes too! Judging by the volume of Leo's bag, it will be possible to take no more than two pairs.
My choice falls on sneakers and some heels that are standing nearby.
I want to change, but the fear that someone will come home and meet me overrides dreams of comfort.
Running out of the room, I can't help but stop and look back.
There's still a stack of books on the bedside table - what a pity I can't take them with me...
Just when I step back inside, planning to grab at least one copy, I hear the front door open.
Oh my god...
I involuntarily stop breathing, fearing that it somehow might expose myself.
Please let it be Grace, not...
"Vivian, what takes you so long? Grab something and run quickly to the car! I'll bring you everything else later anyway, don't worry," Leo instructs alarmed.
Despite the fact he asks me to hurry up, I don't move from my place for a few more seconds, holding on to my heart and taking a deep breath in and out.
What a relief to know my fears have not been confirmed.
When I come to my senses, I immediately head for the stairs.
Leo has already gone out, leaving the door open.
When I find myself on the porch, I suddenly panic, because I can't remember if I turned off the light.
"Vivian, for heaven's sake, close the door and get in the car," the guy does not hold back when he sees my hesitation.
In any case, it will be noticeable I was here by the lack of clothes, whether the light is on or not.
I drop the key due to my anxiety and then can't insert it into the lock for a long time.
Why all this nervousness? No one is going to kill us or something.
After thinking about it, I calm down, and succeed without further delay.
When you imagine the worst-case scenario, it's easier to put up with the inevitable.
Having dealt with the door, I immediately head to the car.
I didn't expect to have to say goodbye so soon.
This house will always remain in my memory.