As soon as Matteo sits down properly and has a grip on me so he doesn't fall off firefly, I start her and we drive away.
———
We walk into the ice cream shop and immediately Matteo runs up to the display where the different kinds of ice creams are standing.
I chuckle a little and walk to Matteo's side.
Walking into the store my heart rate goes up immediately knowing that I'll have to talk to a stranger.
So many things could go wrong. I mean what if my card suddenly doesn't work or I take too long to put everything back in my schoolbag and people start complaining.
I take a deep breath knowing that I have to be strong for Matteo and put a smile on my face.
"Which flavor do you want?" I ask him while taking out my wallet.
"A scoop of cookie dough, please"
I smile brightly and nod my head, "sure bud" I tell him and take out my credit card.
"What flavor are you going to take?" He then asks me.
"Me?" I ask shocked, I wasn't planning on eating one myself.
"Yes you"
Not waring to disappoint him and ruin the day I force a smile and say, "I'll just take a scoop of vanilla" I tell him.
He gives me a comforting smile and nods his head before I order.
My heart rate speeds up even more but I start talking while Matteo stands closer too me, hoping to give me some kind of comfort.
I think he knows about my...things.
Like he has seen my family and friends help me with certain things, like with eating and my anxiety.
Like when ordering for example, I have been ordering for myself for the past few months. But it never gets easier. It's scary and I can't explain why. I don't know why my heart rate speeds up when talking to groups or strangers. I don't know why my hands or legs suddenly start shaking and bouncing. I don't know why my heart at the most random times in the day suddenly drops. Like literally drops, just suddenly. I don't know why and I can't stop it.
So Matteo has seen people holding my hands or praising me for eating certain things or eating in general when it's a difficult day. And I hate the fact that I, the person who's supposed to teach him things, give him advice and more....can't really do that for him. That I'm supposed to be one of his role models in his life just like our brothers, parents, uncles, aunts and grandparents, but that he doesn't get that. That he gets me instead.
"Can I please get a scoop of cookie dough ice cream for him please-" I feel Matteo nudge my leg a little so I continue, "-and a scoop of vanilla ice cream for me."
The man behind the counter nods his head, "is that in a cup of in a cone?"
"Both in a cup please"
"Okay, that will be 4,50$" the man says.
"With the card please" I tell him while lifting my credit card.
He nods and hands me the machine, where I quickly hold my card against until it makes that beeping sound to show us that it worked.
"You can take a seat and we'll bring your ice cream as soon as possible" the man says giving me a big smile.
"Okay, thank you. Have a nice day sir." I tell him giving him a small smile back.
"You too ma'am" he says before Matteo and me walk to a table in the back.
I sit down and let out a big sigh and relax again.
Matteo sits down on the seat in front of me while we start talking again.
"What do you want to buy after eating the ice cream?" I ask while giving him a big smile.
As he starts talking I put my card back in my wallet and put that wallet back in my backpack, "euhm I don't really know. I don't need anything but I just want to look and maybe get something." He says.
"Okay, just know that this is our day so we can do whatever we want" I remind him.
"The movies, can we go to the movies later. I haven't gone to them in like forever."
"Sure bud, what kind of movie. Like action, Disney, fantasy,..?"
"Euhm....I don't really know actually." He tells me after a few seconds.
"We can see what's available later when we're there"
We agree on that before the ice cream arrives, "thank you" I say giving the waiter a smile which he returns while giving me the receipt.
I take it and just put it in my bag before Matteo and I start talking again while eating.
I take a little bite while giving Matteo a smile before I start talking with him again, not really eating the ice cream.
About 10 minutes later we decided to leave the place.
"I'll throw your cup away, put your jacket back on okay"
"Okay" he says handing me his cup, "you sure you're done, there is still a lot of ice cream in your cup"
"Oh yeah, I had a big breakfast this morning. I am still full from that." I say before walking away to the trashcan.
I release a big breath while throwing the cups away, then I walk back to Matteo.
I pick my bag up and grab my keys from my bike.
Matteo and I say goodbye to the man behind the counter, then we walk back to firefly.
———
Matteo and I just came back from the movies after going to the toy store.
Matteo didn't want anything for himself at the store but he did find a boy his age who's mother couldn't buy something he wanted so Matteo asked me if instead of me buying him something, if I could buy that toy that the boy wanted. I smiled at him and agreed to buy that boy's toy, telling him that the world needs more kind people.
The mother didn't want to accept it at first but with some insisting and persuading she agreed, telling me she'd be forever grateful.
Now that we went to the movies and went to see the new Spider-Man movie, we're going back home.
While walking back to firefly Matteo started talking, "thank you, Val. For today, helping those bullies and just being there for me in general" he says softly.
I look at him for a second before pulling him into a tight hug, "you don't have to thank me little bear, I'd do anything for you."
"Even telling me what doing it is"
"Nice try buddy, ask in a few years to you mother" I say giving him a kiss on the head.
I look at him for a second, "I love you little bear, never forget that" I say to him.
I just need to remind him of that once in a while. Like really really remind him, I just say it when going home or something but I just need him to really know it. Like things in life can always go wrong. I mean what if my mission goes wrong?, or what if when I'm getting kidnapped some really bad things happen? What if my depression suddenly comes back and strikes hard? So many things can go wrong and I can't, I just need him to know it.
"I love you too Val" he says before I give him another big hug, then we both climb on firefly again and drive to his home.