He felt safer than a sky embraced by the stars.
Skylar
As I arrived at his house, I felt more comfortable than I ever felt in my mother's house. The cold air brought back memories of my unusual childhood that I wish I had forgotten. Now, the house where I live feels foreign to me.
Just as my father, I am constantly trying to find a way to disappear from every room, as if every wall was filled with sadness.
Is it weird that I feel better in my own skin with a stranger in a stiff night alone on a motorcycle waiting for one of us to break the ice? My mother wouldn't understand me. She could never understand me.
The mother-daughter attachment may have disappeared after I realized I was nothing more than a burden to her.
Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if we had been close? What if she had looked beyond my father's mistakes and accepted him for who he was? Often, I forget that these desires exist because, they are so deep within me.
The night my father said his last goodbyes I held a lot of regret, for example I wish I could have kept him closer to my heart, maybe he would have stayed... or maybe he wouldn't have been interested in my innocence and burning desire to hold him close to my heart for a few more seconds.
In spite of my many questions, I am still unsure if he really loved me and ... whether if he loved me, he would have stayed? I have asked myself these questions for years, but no one has ever answered them for me. My mother always seems indifferent to me, keeping herself busy with her wonderful career, often forgetting about me. Though I'm not complaining, because it didn't give her time to understand the way I'm really feeling.
As much as I loved her I have lost the desire to maintain a stable relationship with her. Emma has both supported and been a source of comfort to me for all these years, but I also feel that she is hiding pain beneath a layer of fake happiness, thinking that no one can see her true self.
A person who has been injured will always recognize another injured person - this is a known law for centuries, or years, my history is patchy.
As a way to cover up a gap left by my family, I buried myself in trouble, parties, and stealing affection. On my way to recovery, I didn't realize or...I didn't want to realize that I hurt the people around me, on my way to saving myself.
My enjoyment of the parties waned as the bottles passed by my lips and I no longer felt the escape I felt at first. It had become a routine, it was no longer exciting but boring, so I started smoking, and that feeling seemed to revive, making me feel elated and free with every cigarette butt that I threw over the balcony of my room.
"Are you okay?" Hunter seems to understand me but at the same time he could never fully comprehend the fact that I do not want to be understood or helped, but instead loved.
"I think I'm doing better than usual." He gazes at me curiously, as if to say, "I want to know more!" without being aggressive in his approach. However, after a few seconds of intense gaze, he gave up, looking everywhere but not at me.
I knew that my actions as well as my past put him to think, probably trying to figure out which one of us is hurting more. I don't know his past very well, but I feel that he avoids telling me many things.
I don't blame him, if I were him I probably wouldn't have said anything, damn if I were him I wouldn't be here, in this silence much too comfortable to be safe. We were both thinking, but silence seemed the most appropriate answer at the time.
"I was pleased ..." I wanted to say your presence, but I felt that this attachment could hit me if I was not careful. "with riding the motorcycle." I said at last, and his gaze seemed to disappoint, perhaps hoping I would say something else ... "Let's go inside." I was stunned by his answer ... hoping that he would pull me to him like in those movies with teenagers who without any knowledge about the other end up kissing under the starry sky ... but unfortunately the real world is totally different, no one can read your hidden thoughts.
I smiled and went downstairs, still dizzy from my previous drinks. He stood behind me for a few seconds, he seemed to avoid me, in fact it was obvious that he was avoiding me in any form, probably the previous conversation made him think even deeper. The nostalgia I have is unreal and somehow, the 5 rooms he had in his penthouse felt even more crowded with loneliness. Even so, I managed to find the comfort I was looking for, in my solitude.
Hunter left me a set made of a pair of shorts and a T-shirt from his collection. His shower surprised me, it had so many hair products that I thought they were all the same. He knew his brands, something that should be respected.
Once my shower was over I noticed that he disappeared, leaving me alone in the guest's room. Most likely for the best.
My head barely hit the soft silk pillow before my mind drifted off into the abyss of my thoughts.
"Could you stop yelling for a few minutes?! Your daughter is in the same house as us! Aren't you even a little ashamed of your state?!" I could hear the fight going on downstairs as I hid behind one of my stuffed animals.
"You're a bitch! You think you can tell me what to do?! I saw you with Kevin on our porch this morning. Don't even dare try to lie to me because I'm not fucking blind or stupid!" The conversation was heading towards a dead end and I covered my ears with my hands but the sound of things being thrown onto the floor made my bones shake. Is mommy gonna be ok?
I heard footsteps running upstairs towards my room and I tried my best to stay as far away from the door as possible. Mommy said when Daddy is mad I should hide until she comes.
"Darling, come to mommy, we have to leave." I ran to mommy and my face went pale once I noticed the bruises that were covering her beautiful face.
"M-mommy? Did daddy do this? Why did he hurt you?" Mommy looked at me for a second before louder footsteps stomped upstairs. Daddy. He's furious.
I closed my eyes in fear as hot tears spread across my cheeks and daddy pulled mommy away from me."
"Sky, hey, are you ok?" I gasped as I finally escaped my nightmares. Well, fractures of my past. My mom was aware of the abuse but she always tried keeping me away from it, to make me believe my dad was a superhero. I always heard the screaming and the begging, it was too loud to be unheard.
Hunter was by my side, his eyes holding worry and concern. Was he concerned about me? Why? I have these nightmares on a daily basis, it's nothing new.
"I heard screaming, so, I thought I'll check up on you." He cared. He didn't seem indifferent nor untouched by my messed up self.
"It's fine, I have these everyday." I muttered as he came closer to me, his arms wrapping around me, making me feel small from all of a sudden.
"Everyone has a messed up past, we just have to learn to live with it." I don't know if he wanted me to say something or not but I just couldn't understand how a family can break apart so easily.
"Just close your eyes and rest, bunny. I'm not leaving. " I smiled as I kicked him but he only laughed in return.
"Shut up, Hunter." I whispered as my eyes felt heavy and sleep embraced my thoughts once again.
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My eyes felt heavy as I opened them only to see that last night wasn't a dream and that I'm still in Hunter's bedroom. The hangover slowly made its way to my head as I couldn't comprehend how we ended up in the same bed last night.
I tried to scoot off because I don't want him to think we're a thing or something. His eyes were still closed and his breath was steady as I changed it the bathroom with the clothes from last night.
I took a glance at myself in the mirror and cringed as I saw the spread make up and the nest in my hair.
Well, I'm not going to try to fix anything since I'm just going to leave and I don't exactly care about my appearance right now as much as I care about getting home.
I rushed outside of the bathroom and outside the bedroom as I ran to the door of the penthouse. Right as I was about to ditch this place and pretend last night didn't happen I heard footsteps running down the stairs.
Shit. Here comes the conversation about why I'm not staying. I never stay, I leave and never look back.
"Skylar? You know, you could've atleast said goodbye." He sounded disappointed a bit but it's not my fault that I'm so used to pushing people away.
"Um, my mom needs me..." I tried to explain but as I predicted he saw right through my lies.
"Skylar, let's talk. I don't think you want to disappear, I think you just want to be found." I let go of the handle of the door as I finally let my guard down and threw myself on the couch, exhausted once again from all of these platonic moments. Even though what he said made me cringe a bit, since you only hear stuff like that in a romance movie where they most likely end up together.
"We're just a pair of strangers, Hunter." I muttered as I closed my eyes with a sigh.
"The same strangers that told eachother everything about their lives over some drinks? The same strangers that shared a bed the other night?" His words stuck to me and it was hard, almost impossible to try to control my emotions right now.
"I know you have a lot on your mind and I also know that you're not willing to share those thoughts with anyone." He was right. Somehow he was always right.
"I'm fine, Hunter."
"You see, you're everything but not fine, bunny. You're courageous, smart, beautiful but you're not ok." I hate the fact that his words were like stabs against my skull trying to get any information he could from me.
"Isn't it the same? If I'm fearless, that means I'm fine." His hands found their way to my cold hands as he rubbed them together, an attempt to steal the cold from my body. He expects me to lower my guard, to talk incessantly about what bother me, but I'm not like that. I don't share my feelings with anyone, not even with myself.
"Do you love yourself?" That question shattered me. I suddenly went all mushy and tears sprung from my eyes because you never hear anyone ever asking something like that.
Hunter didn't say anything, he didn't have to. His presence spoke louder than any words could've. This is what I needed. And, once again, he wasn't wrong. I never wanted to disappear, I just wished to be found.
Dad, instead of crying in your arms because of a boy I'm crying in the arms of a boy because of you. You were my first heartbreak, the one I'll never forget. Even though you didn't want me as your daughter, I wanted you as my father, I needed you.
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This chapter is dedicated to my father that was almost never in my life before he died just a few months ago. I'm thankful for my mother and even though we had our fights she raised me well and never let me cry because of the cruel world. My father did lots of horrible things and it always stuck to me the fact that he chose another family over us. I miss him, even after all the bad he did, I miss him as his daughter.
Xoxo-Cat lover
Wordcount: 2075
Published:29.01.2022