A life size mirror sits in front of me. I am all dolled up and wearing the most beautiful dress to ever touch human skin yet I am sad, devastated.
A dark cloud of misery looms over me. I will not lie, in the last couple of hours since I left Zayn's house. I have thought about his offer, a few times I had convinced myself to just leave it all and run.
But I am loyal, loyal to my family and my name.
"You look exquisite." Mother breaks me out of my thoughts. "A true princess, one from royalty."
I smile at her and sit down in front of the mirror admiring how beautiful the dress sits on me. It is truly a shame that it has to be worn on such a sad day.
"Mother, can you give me a minute?" I ask her hoping she leaves so I can have some last moments of peace alone.
She nods and leaves. I close my eyes and say a small prayer then open my eyes to see the beautiful girl looking back at me with sad eyes. I do not recognise her because she use to be happy and full of life.
The whole truth is, I did want to run. I had a bag packed, a car ready because a part of me wants to leave and part of me wants to help father but that is not the reason I am still here.
I had everything figured out, ready but it is like mother and father knew I wanted to bolt.
Just as I reminisce on my thoughts if running away the door opens, startling me.
I clutch my chest, my heart racing. I look through the mirror to see who it is and I am stunned to see Zayn sneaking in wearing in one of the server's uniform, granted it looks good on him.
"Zayn!" I call out to him. "What are you doing here?" I ask him surprised by his appearance here. I would think that Mark gave the guards a picture of my lover and gave strict orders not to let him in.
"Don't worry, I waited for your Mom to leave." He tells me and starts pacing back and forth. "You know, I'd like to know myself." He pauses both pacing and talking for a moment. "I don't know why I came. I just knew you wouldn't show and I just... I came here."
He stops and look at me. "Let's go. I have a car outside, you can escape this life an start one of your own."
I turn my head and look at him. He looks like he has not slept and has had half a dozen coffee.
I frown. "I am not going Zayn. I told you." I remind him.
"We both know you don't want to be here so let's go. We'll go anywhere you want, start a knew life. Together." He makes his case but I can not.
I turn my head around and look at my hands that are nibbling the pearls on my dress. "It is too late Zayn, you're too late." I say the last bit in a low voice. A very small, very tiny piece of me hating him for coming here.
"What is wrong with you?" Zayn asks me and I lift my eyes and look at him through the mirror. He seems truly puzzled by me. "Why do you do that?"
I make lock my gaze on him through the mirror in. "Do what Zayn, stand by my family?" Everything he did today, coming here, now, it hurts. It pierce my heart over an over.
He averts his gaze for a moment and look else where then his eyes are back on mine. "There should be a limit to what you can do for family." He tells me but I realised that he does not understand what family is all about. Family is all I have. "Why do you play their game, why do you let your dad sell you to some dick who doesn't give two cents about you?"
But Mark cares, he has too. I know he was not faking all those years we were together. He may be a jerk now but he cares. He loves me and over time I will learn to forgive him.
I stand up pulling my dress up, I turn around to look him in the eye, not look at him through a mirror. "You think I have a choice? This is what you do for family Zayn." I tell him a bit harsh but he has to understand, he has to leave before I runaway with him. He will knock off my resolve.
"You do,-" He shouts frustrated. I am sure it must be frustrating to him what I am doing. "-you have a choice. The café. It's just a matter of you making a choice, choosing.... you.... you can let go, live your own life not dictated by anyone."
I turn my back on him because he makes this sound so easy, quitting my life here, like shedding skin or changing a cologne brand. He makes it so tempting, sweet even but I know I can not. Father will find me and make me marry Mark so why prologue the inevitable.
"Please leave Zayn." I beg him, willing my tears to not fall and ruin my make-up. "This-" I gesture around me. "-all this is my life. I was born into it. It will not just go away, this is real life Zayn not a fairytale, I can not make a wish, I am not Cinderella. I do not have a fairy godmother to call and wish my troubles away. I am sorry I dragged you into this."
"Don't shut me out." Zayn pleads, his voice quivering. "Sure, this isn't my ideal story but I am glad I met you. I'm glad I know you, so please, don't shut me out..... I .. I'm in love with you." He whispers the last part like it's his last hope like it's suppose to be secret and it is like he knocked the air out if my lungs with those words. "I love you okay." He repeats but I refuse to turn around.
I hear his footsteps approaching and my shoulders stiffens. "You made me a better man, a better person. Trust me when I say I didn't mean to fall for you. Afterall, I didn't think I was capable of falling in love but you came along, all well mannered and polite yet so elegant and a vixen and I drank you like a cool aid. You made me feel things, made me hate myself less. So how could I not fall, huh?"
"Please stop." I beg him, whispering. My voice barely audible. I am glad I made him a better person. I'm happy that he hates himself less now but I can't. I just can't "Please stop!" I repeat to him.
It is his breath I feel on the back of my neck first then his hand on my waist, wrapping itself around me, pulling me to him. He rests his chin on my shoulder. He brings his other hand to my face and hook a finger under my chin then lifts it so I am looking at us on the mirror.
It is a perfect pictures, one for portraits. My white dress looking like it came right out of a fairytale book. I never realised how beautiful it was until now, with him next to it.
He smiles at me kissing my cheek but I do not smile back. Instead I feel sad, sad because now when I picture a happy ending, when I picture myself happy, he is always next to me, holding me like he is right now. Pulling me into his arms, surrounding me, protection me, offering comfort.
I am sad because I have to send him away, with all the happiness he brings because I do not deserve it, I do not deserve happiness.
"I tried to stop loving you." He tells me through the mirror. "When I found out you were engaged, I did everything I could to stop loving you but it just seems like I was falling faster and quicker. I tried everything, I tried hating you but how can you hate what you love so much that it makes your heart hurts, physically. Then I couldn't imagine a life without you, nothing seemed worth it without you. You are my happiness, my peace. You gave me this life."
I give him a sad smile and his own smile falls. I think he knows what is coming. He lets go of me and starts backing away from me. I immediately feel the loss of his warmth. I turn around to look at him and he looks down. It is my turn to lift his head now.
I hook a finger under his chin and lifts his head. I smiles then kiss him. He does not kiss me back but I expected such. I am at peace with my fate.
"I am sorry Zayn." He looks down again and puts his hands on his pocket. "My time with you, I will treasure it always. You gave me something too so thank for that. I-"
He cuts me off. "Save it Riley." He says my name in a stoic voice, his expression matching the voice. He has not said my full name in a long time.
My heart aches because even though I wanted to end this, I now know it is truly over.
"I know, you are sorry. I think I've heard it all don't you think. I get it, I do. You choose him even after the hurt he caused you-" I cut him off this time.
"It's not that. My fa-" Zayn does not let me finish.
"Yeah, yeah, your father but from where I stand it comes down to him." I try to argue but Zayn lifts his hand stopping me. "I get it, I'll leave and don't worry, I'll never bother you again."
The door opens and closes before I can stop him then I am all alone in the room.
I feel as if the ground is shifting beneath my feet and I can not stand still. My heart aches after him.
I turn around and look myself in the mirror but before I can ponder on anything, mother knocks once and comes in.
I do not bother to pretend because what is the use of doing that. Mother notices but does not acknowledge it.
"Smile Riley, smile." She instructs me. "The people has to see you happy and the camera should catch you happy."
But I do not smile instead I chuckle darkly. "Is that all, mother?" I ask her snarky.
She stops fixing my dress and look up at me. "Watch the attitude young woman." She earns me but something in me snaps.
I tilt my head to the side and look at her in a very sad way. I pity myself. "Is that all you care about, putting on a show for those people." I spat pointing out the door to what I assume is the direction of where everyone is sitting. "You care more about how they will see me instead of how I actually am. How about you provide me true comfort mother."
She goes back to fixing an already perfect dress. "Stop with the tantrum Riley and get up. It is time for you to walk down the aisle. Your father is waiting for you."
I do not get up. It is sad that my own mother does not care how I feel, it truly is sad, lonely and pathetic.
"Maybe he was right." I mumble to myself but mother catches on.
"Who? Right on what?"
I chuckle. "Maybe there is a limit to what you can do for family."
"Riley,-" Mother begins to scold me but the door opens. Mother shuts her mouth and smiles at my maid of honour.
It is almost comical. A very sick joke.
Victoria comes to my side. "We can go now, everything is ready." She tells us in her sweet loving voice.
I begin to get up and I catch a whiff of Mark's cologne on Mark and a laugh. I could cry but that would not help.
I laugh like I finally lost it. "Wow." I know what Mark's cologne on her means and she knew, immediately I looked at her, she knew what she did.
Even on my wedding day, he could not respect me even on our wedding day. It was torture enough that his lover is my maid of honour, wow Mark.
I glad a fistful of my dress on both my hands and turn to Victoria. "You know what, you can have him. You marry him." I tell her.
Mother looks like she is about to faint. She gape. "Riley Lucretia Thompson! Don't you dare do that to your father and I, we raised you."
I turn to my mother. "You know what mother, disown me if you want but I think it is time father learn some consequences. He made his bed now he must lie on it. I will not enslave myself so father can have some power."
"Riley please child, its not only for his gain only. It's yours as well." Mother pleads but this time I made my decision.
"How is all this for me, marrying someone who doesn't respect me, who sleeps with his mistress on our wedding day mother?" I ask her but she seems lost for words. "And it is not like father will give me keys to his kingdom, I am just another pawn. He is a sexist bastard who needs to learn a lesson. He will make Mark the boss and me, I get nothing. He loves that lying piece of trash like his own. He has always been disappointed that I am a girl. He is a bastard."
I did not see Victoria leaving but she is not in the room anymore.
"Riley, you bite your tongue." She hisses and I shrug "Women must be-" I stop here, not letting her get into my head like she always does.
"I will not forgive mother and I should have never let you convince me I should. Do what you must just as should father because I am doing what I know is best for me." I tell her walking to the door.
I never realised how heavy the dress is and how hard it is to walk in it. So I pull it up more, allowing my feet more breathing room.
"Riley!" Mother calls for me from the other side of the room. "You're making a mistake, don't bring shame to this family. It's not too late, nothing is set on stone yet."
"If this is a mistake then it is my mistake to make and mother, I have been perfect for you and father my whole life. If this is a mistake then fine I will learn from it and as for bringing shame to this family, father did that all on his own when he decided to sell me for power." I tell her. "I am sorry mother but Mark is a bastard who does not deserve me."
With that I open the door and it feels like I now just started breathing again. I could smell liberty.
I close the door and pick up my dress again and start running. Of course I could walk but running feels more appropriate, more liberating than walking. I laugh feeling liberated. The people I pass give me wierd look but I could not careless, not now.
I turn the corridor of the hotel and see Mark running and Victoria following behind him. So that is where she went.
Mark calls after me cussing but I do not stop running. I get to the elevator and start pressing.
The elevator opens and I just inside pressing the button for the ground floor. People look at me weird inside the elevator but I do not care. I cannot care.
Mark catches up with me just as the doors closes. "Screw you Mark." I flip his before the doors close. "Screw you too Victoria, screw each other." And the doors finally close.
I bounce in my shoes as people give me weird looks. "I left the groom at the alter." I tell them feeling excited. A few people gasps and some give me judgemental looks. "Don't worry he's a cheating piece of trash."
I do not wait for their next looks because the elevator stops and I see the streets, the reception and everything that is suppose to be on the ground floor.
I jump out of the elevator and start running and laughing again. I do not look back. I have not been happy like this in over two months.
Paparazzi set out by mother are out there. They take pictures of me running and laughing and again I do not care. They try to ask me questions but I ignore then and hail a cab.
A cab stops and I jump in. "Where too miss?" The man asks.
"DaLuca." I tell him grinning and chuckling. I can not stop chuckling.
DaLuca, the café where we first met. My gut tells me that is where he is because is the roles were reversed, that is where I will be.
Almost 30 minutes goes by and I arrive at my favourite café. I take out my phone and pay for the ride.
I am glad I grabbed it before I started running.
I go inside and suddenly the rest of the world disappears and it is just Zayn and I. Zayn turns around just as everyone stops talking or breathing. His face lights up an he grins at me. I grin back
I sigh with relief that I found him. He is still wearing the server's uniform but now the bow tie is just hanging around his neck. "You changed your mind." He points out happy.
"Yeah, I did." I nod and slowly walk up to him. He stands up and look me up and down, like he can not believe I am really here.
When he finally believe, he swoops me off my feet hugging me and spins me around. I giggle like a little girl seeing Santa.
"You really are here." He cheers. "She chose me." He puts me down and announces to everyone.
Everyone in the Café claps and whistles but I can not get the guilt out that I am deceiving them because I am not here to stay, I left Mark yes but I did not chose Zayn either. I chose myself.
"There's only so much you can do for family, right?" I quote his words back to him.
"Come here." He pulls me to him an kisses me knocking the air out if my lungs and after a few seconds he let me go.
I pull him outside because I have to tell him, I will not deceive him this time. He starts talking about the future and ranting about how happy he is.
I wish I did not have to do this, reap his heart out again. Break his spirit again.
"Zayn!" I call out to him and he's stops talking and looks at me. His face falls and the shiners and in his eyes darkens.
H drops my hand. "No don't, just don't."
"I'm not staying." I tell him but he already knew.
"Why?"
"Too much has happened, I need to heal." I explained to him.
"For how long?" He hesitate, like he knows the answer already.
I look away. "I do not know, I am not even sure if I will come back." And that is, I am afraid, the truth.
I don't know if I will ever come back. I truly do not know and I had to say goodbye which is selfish on my part.
"Then why come here, why come and reap the stitches open." He yells angrily and I understand his anger, his rage.
I now realise how much of a mistake this was. I should not have come here. I should have just left.
"I wanted to say thank you for giving me my freedom, for pushing me into the right direction. Thank you." I tell him taking his hand and brushing it but he yanks it away. "And I wanted you to know that you did it. You freed me. You were a knight in shining armour. Well, close but I can not stay, I am broken."
"Then heal, heal right here. You don't need to leave." He begs me but I can't.
"Staying is the one this I can not do and I can not ask you to uproot your life for me. I can't." I tell him, my voice quivering.
"Why not? All you need to do is ask " he yells again.
"It is not fair on you. Your life is here, your residency am your friends. I can not ask you to do that." I explain to him.
"All that doesn't matter, I can transfer to a different hospital, my friend and I well, we can Skype." He tries to convince me.
"Please, you-" He cuts me off not letting me finish.
"You are the most selfish woman I have ever met. You know what, leave. I can take a hint. You don't want me and just because you left him doesn't mean you want me. Leave right now, you selfish, self absorbed-" Even though his words are hard to hear I know he does not mean them.
He is saying them out I hurt, I feel it in his voice so I hug him and at first he fights me but I hold on tighter until he settles down and stops completely.
"Don't close yourself up. Be ready for when love comes knocking at your door, welcome it because there's a woman out there who will love you the way I couldn't." I tell him. I instruct him. "Do not hate yourself, nothing is wrong with you, you are wonderful and I was lucky to have you so don't shut love out."
As I expected, he does not hug me back or respond to what I'm saying and when I pull back I see why, his eyes are closed an tears are flowing down his cheeks.
I get on my tippie toes and wipe his tears away. He still doesn't open his eyes so kiss him on the cheek.
"Goodbye Zayn." I tell him feeling my heart heavy but not with aching sadness. "Be good and I wish you well."
I turn around and leave. I feel his eyes at the back of my head, he watches me walk away until I get on a cab.
Silence tears run down my face as I watch the café disappear, along with Zayn.
Sometimes you need to walk away, leave everything behind not to make someone else realise your worth but for you to understand and acknowledge your own self worth.