Chapter 2: Secret
***
I decided not to go to school because of what happened earlier. Sigurado akong hindi ako makakafocus sa kahit anong ituturo ng mga teachers dahil sa mga narinig ko kanina. I am the smart girl in our class and everyone knows that. Kaya lang ngayon, parang naubos ang katalinuhan ko at na-blanko ang utak ko. All I remember are the painful words I heard from Romeo.
Wala sa akin ang hindi pagpasok ng school. I already spent my years studying when I was a princess, and I just want to be carefree right now. Alam ko na ang mga pinag-aaralan dahil sa talinong dala ko mula sa nakaraang buhay. Pumapasok na lang ako para bigyan buhay ang teenage life ko bilang si Juliet Krizzel Cassidy at para maging proud sa akin ang family ko.
Hindi ko na napansin na dinala na pala ako ng aking mga paa sa isang lugar na mahalaga saakin at matagal ko nang hindi napupuntahan. It seems like my heart sought solace in the one place that had always brought me comfort—my mother's sunflower garden.
As I walked through the familiar path towards the garden, nostalgia and sadness washed over me. My mother had spent countless hours in this garden, nurturing her beloved sunflowers with her heart. Naging importante sa kaniya ang bawat parte ng hardin na ito.
I remembered helping her water the flowers or picking them up to put in the jars in our home. The sunflowers had always brought my mother joy, and she was always so bright like the flowers she took care of.
I opened the wooden gate to enter the garden, taking in the beauty surrounding me. I smiled as I realized how much I've missed this place. I slowly made my way through the rows of sunflowers while admiring how vibrant their colors are.
The sunflowers, with their bright yellow petals and tall stems, were a symbol of hope and resilience. The vibrant colors and sweet scents of the flowers calmed my troubled mind.
I sat on a bench and closed my eyes, letting the warmth of the sun and the gentle breeze soothe me. This was where my mother and I would sit and talk for hours on end. Puro kami kwentuhan, tawanan, at kulitan. I could even almost feel her presence here, and for a brief moment, I felt at peace.
This is the sunflower garden owned by my mother who died three years ago. Si Lola na ang nangangalaga nito simula noong namatay si Mommy.
It was the first time I had been back here since my mother's passing. This place was full of my memories with my parents and remembering the past caused my heart to ache. We were all so happy back then, but it all changed because my mother's life ended and the wonderful color of our family started to dim.
Dad remarried a woman who did everything to make my life miserable. Masama kung masama, but I'm glad that she's unable to have a child and I can never have a half-sibling from her. Kawawa ang magiging kapatid ko kung nagkataon na siya ang ina. That woman is ill-looking and feeling maganda! I don't even know the reason why my dad married her. Imposible namang nagandahan siya rito, eh hindi naman 'yon maganda. Maybe he just got fooled by her plastic personality. Poor him.
"Juliet? Ikaw ba 'yan?"
Nakarinig ako ng pamilyar na boses kaya natigilan ako. It's my grandmother! I slowly opened my eyes and saw her walking towards me, her eyes filled with tears and emotions.
"Lola," I whispered, getting up and running into her arms. It had been years since I last saw her, and it felt like a crushing weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
"Apo! Diyos ko! Mabuti naman ay bumisita ka sa amin! Miss na miss kita!"
Mabilis niya akong niyakap kaya mas lalo akong naging emosyonal. Sinadya ko ang hindi pagpunta dahil masyado pa akong heartbroken sa pagkamatay ni Mommy. I forgot that they, my mom's parents, are also hurting. Ngayon ko lang na-realize ang selfishness ko ngayong kayakap ko si Lola. Mas inatupag ko pa kasi si Romeo kaya nawala na sa isip ko ang ibang taong importante sa'kin.
"P-Pasensya na po. Busy sa school," pagdadahilan ko.
My lips quivered as I looked away. Na-g-guilty ako sa sadya kong hindi pagpunta pero hindi ko magawang maamin na nasasaktan ako kapag pumupunta sa lugar na ito.
"Naku, apo! Pumasok ka sa bahay at ipagluluto kita ng paborito mong adobo para sa tanghalian!" masigla niyang sabi at kumalas sa pagkakayakap sa akin. Napangiti ako at tumango-tango. Lola really looks elegant and wonderful. Kahit matanda na, she's still gorgeous, her beauty never faded.
Sumunod ako kay Lola at nagtungo sa bahay nila. The house has wooden walls and bright colors. Pagkapasok ko, nakita ko agad kung gaano ka-organize ang bawat kagamitan. Mga antique ang furniture at nakadikit din sa dingding ang napakaraming picture frames ng pamilya. Maaliwalas din dahil nakabukas ang mga bintana na nagpapapasok sa magandang liwanag ng araw.
"Nasa'n po si Lolo?" tanong ko habang ipinapalibot ang paningin.
"Sa kuwarto," she responded with bitterness in her voice. Tumango ako at sinundan siya sa silid na kinaroroonan ng Lolo ko.
Naabutan kong nakahiga si Lolo sa isang kahoy na kama. He's looking into space, thinking about something really deep. Parang nalulunod na utak niya dahil sa sobrang lalim ng iniisip niya. Napatingin ako kay Lola at nagkibit-balikat lamang siya.
Muli ko siyang tiningnan at lumapit sa kanya. Umupo ako sa sa kama at hinawakan ang kamay ni Lolo para makuha ang atensyon niya. He gasped when he noticed my presence, then looked at me with his lips parted. He was stunned for a moment, but later on, tears started to fall down his cheeks.
"J-Julia!" he cried out loud, using his strength to sit and reach me. Agad niya akong niyakap kaya natigilan ako. "Anak ko!"
I bitterly smiled before I hugged him back. "Lolo, I'm not Julia. I'm your granddaughter Juliet. I'm not my Mom." I said, even though I knew that he could not hear me.
My Lolo is deaf. Nawala ang pandinig niya noong naaksidente sila ni Mommy. It was a car accident and that's the reason why my mother died. Lolo was driving her home back then but a big truck hit their car. Lolo was able to survive but he lost his hearing because of that accident. Naging unstable rin ang mental health niya dahil sa nangyari. He can't accept that reality, even now. At kapag nakikita niya ako, lagi niya akong tinatawag na Julia. It's my Mom's name. Isa rin ito sa dahilan kung bakit hindi ko nagagawang bumisita dito.
Napahagulgol si Lolo. "S-Sorry, anak. Hindi ka naligtas ni Daddy. Sorry 'nak..." Patuloy siyang umiiyak habang nakayakap saakin. I bit my lip to stop myself from crying. I gently rubbed his back and hugged him tightly.
I understand why he ended up like this. They gave my mother all their love and they cherished her the most. Lolo is having a hard time because he witnessed how Mom died. He was with her when she passed away, so the image of her in that accident never left his memories.
Lolo loved my mother all his life, and losing her also took the light of his life. Gano'n kalaki ang pagmamahal niya sa anak.
Kumalas siya sa pagkakayakap saakin at lumapit naman si Lola. She looked at Lolo, holding his arms and trying to make him calm. Tumayo ako habang pinapanood sila. Using sign language, she explained to him again that I'm not my Mom, and she died three years ago.
Natigilan si Lolo dahil sa ipinaghayag ni Lola. Muli siyang natulala ay maya-maya ay nanubig muli ang mga mata niya. That reminder caused Lolo to cry louder. Nagwala siya at sumigaw nang sumigaw. Itinatapon niya lahat ng nahahawakan niya pati na rin ang basong nasa bedside table.
Naitapon niya ito saakin pero alam ko namang hindi niya 'yon sadya. The glass got broken and a shard carved my skin. Maliit lang naman ang sugat na natamo ko, so no big deal. Natatakot lang ako sa inaasta ni Lolo ngayon.
"Juan! Tumigil ka na!" umiiyak na pakiusap ni Lola habang yinayakap siya para para mapigilan siya sa pagwawala. I just stood there, watching them, covering my mouth with my two hands, and forcing myself not to cry. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. I didn't want to be emotional again but I ended up crying with them. May kinuha si Lola na injection mula sa baba ng kama nila at itinusok ito kay Lolo.
My grandpa suddenly stopped crying and slowly, he closed his eyes with dried tears on his cheeks. Narinig ko pang binulong niya ang pangalan ni Mommy bago siya patuloy na nawalan ng malay.
"Pasensya ka na, apo." sabi ni Lola at ihiniga nang maayos si Lolo. Pinunasan niya ang sarili niyang luha at ang luha ni Lolo. I turned around and wiped my tears, too. "Ganito talaga palagi ang Lolo mo kapag naaalala ang Mommy mo."
Muli akong humarap sa kanila at pilit na ngumiti. "Ayos lang po, La. Kahit naman po ako ay nami-miss si Mommy."
She smiled and nodded. Umupo kami sa kahoy na upuan at pinagmasdan niya ang natutulog nyang asawa. "Kung nasaan man ngayon si Julia, sigurado akong proud na proud siya sa'yo, apo ko. Balita ko ikaw daw ang rank 1 sa klase niyo?" Tumingin siya sa akin.
Napangiti ako. "Opo, Lola. I'm studying hard, just like what my mom wants me to do."
Pagkatapos kong masagot ang mga tanong niya tungkol sa pag-aaral ko, nagpaalam muna siya na magluluto. Agad naman akong tumango at ngumiti. Lola's Adobo is my favorite dish! It has a special taste that you cannot find in other dishes. Ilang taon na rin akong hindi nakakain ng luto niya kaya no'ng sinabi nyang ipagluluto niya ako ng paborito kong Adobo, hindi ko mapigilang matakam kahit na inaalala ko pa lang ang lasa nito.
Inayos ko na ang lamesa habang nagluluto si Lola. Naglagay ako ng dalawang plato, mga kubiyertos at mga baso. Naglagay rin ako ng tubig sa malaking pitsel at inilagay ito sa lamesa. Sakto namang natapos si Lola at tinulungan ko siyang maghain. Nakakain na raw si Lolo kaya ayos lang na pabayaan muna siyang matulog. At isa pa, aabutin pa ng tatlong oras bago siya magising. Kami na lang ni Lola ang unang kumain.
After lunch, lumabas kami at bumalik sa garden ni Mommy. Malaki ang hardin at katapat lang ito ng bahay nila Lola. Marami ring dayo noon ang pumupunta dito para kumuha ng mga litrato pero ngayong wala na si Mommy, ginawa na lang nila itong private garden at si Lola lamang ang nag-aalaga nito. Hindi ito kasing laki at kasing lawak ng ibang mga sunflower field o farm sa Pilipinas pero napakaganda at aesthetic nitong tingnan. Napanatili ni Lola ang kagandahan ng lugar kahit ilang taon na ang lumipas. Nakakabilib nga dahil kahit sixty years old na si Lola ay malakas pa rin siya kaya nakakaya niya pang gawin ang ginagawa niya noon. Gusto nga ni Daddy na kuhaan sila ng katulong pero ayaw ni Lola dahil gusto niyang siya ang mag-asikaso sa asawa niya at sa mga gawaing bahay. All we do is provide them money for their expenses.
Naglakad-lakad kami sa hardin habang pinagmamasdan ang mga mirasol na may iba't ibang laki at tangkad.
"Gustong-gusto ng Mommy mo ang mirasol kahit noong bata pa siya. Mahilig ako sa rosas at siya naman ay sa sunflower. Kaya nga binili pa ng Lolo mo ang lupa sa tapat ng bahay na ito at ginawa naming hardin..." wika ni Lola, tila inaalala ang magagandang ala-ala. "Alam mo ba, doon nakilala ng Daddy mo si Julia."
Ngumiti ako. I've seen the photos of my mother in this garden that my father has taken with his camera. It's wonderful. Makikita talaga ang pagmamahal ni Daddy sa kaniyang asawa.
"Photographer pa noon ang Daddy mo at palagi niyang kinikuhanan ng litrato ang anak ko. Naalala ko pa kung gaano kami ka-strikto ng Lolo mo noon. Mayroon kasi kaming gustong ipakasal na ibang lalaki kay Julia kaya ayaw naming paglapitin sila. Pero noong nakilala namin ang Dad mo, we finally accepted him." Tumingin siya saakin. "Your father is a good man."
Napayuko ako at tumango-tango. I know that my father is a good man. He's also a good husband and a good father. Never siyang nagkulang sa amin ni Mommy. Ang pagkakamali niya lang ay pumili siya ng maling babae ngayon. Second wife na nga lang, alagad pa ni Satanas! She's acting sweet in front of my father, but arrogant and evil in front of me and others. Akala ko, sa Cinderella lang nag-e-exist ang evil stepmother pero pati pa pala sa totoong buhay. Gusto kong isigaw sa tainga ni Daddy kung gaano kasama ang ugali niya pero nakikita ko kung gaano niya talaga kamahal ang babaeng 'yon. Dad suffered enough when Mom died. He deserves to be happy, and that woman is the only person who can give him that happiness. Kailangan ko lang magtiis.
Nakaramdam kami ng pagod sa pagtayo. We took a seat on the wooden bench and Lola held my arm. I smiled, basking in the sun's warmth and feeling the gentle breeze brush against my skin.
"Your father and mother's love story was wonderful, yet tragic. Mapaglaro talaga ang tadhana," She chuckled bitterly and sighed.
Muli akong nakaramdam ng kirot. Alam kong perpekto pa sana ang pamilya namin kung nanatiling buhay si Mommy. Pero wala na akong magagawa ngayon.
"I know that their story was wonderful. Sigurado po ako na gano'n din ang love story niyo ni Lolo, 'no?"
Curious lang naman ako dahil hindi ko alam kung paano sila nagkakilala ni Lolo. I want to know their love story, pero hindi ko alam kung bakit natigilan si Lola. Napuno ng kalungkutan ang expresyon niya.
"Alam mo noon, your Lolo hated me a lot. Mayro'n siyang iniibig noon pero hindi naman siya gusto. I took that chance to steal his heart. Although, it was not easy. Sobrang hirap nyang mapa-ibig at muntik na akong sumuko."
Natigilan ako. I never knew that story. I can't believe that Lolo hated such a sweet woman. Hindi ko rin mapigilang i-kumpara ang love story nila Lolo sa amin ni Romeo kasi halos parehas lang kami ng sitwasyon nila Lola noon. But even though Lolo hated her, Lola was still able to get his love. Eh ako kaya? Will I be able to win Romeo's love someday?
"But you know what, jiha? I didn't give up, kaya nakuha ko na ang puso niya sa huli. Pero kahit gano'n, 'di pa rin talaga nawala ang mga pagsubok saamin. Naparusahan siguro ako dahil ninakaw ko ang puso niya. I gladly accepted the consequences, and now, I'm still suffering."
"What do you mean, Lola?"
"Apo, gusto mo ba makaalam ng sikreto?" biglang sabi ni Lola at mas lumapit pa sa akin. I was curious so I nodded. She smiled, but that smile means something. That was a smile caused by pain and her next words proved that I'm correct.
"I'm not the person who gave birth to your mom. I'm not her biological mother."
Mas lalo akong natigilan. It took me a few seconds to understand what she said. I stared at her, confused and dumbfounded. I was about to laugh, thinking that what she said was just a joke, but she's looking at me seriously. I know that Lola would never tell a joke about something like this. My eyes slowly widened when I realized that she was telling the truth.
What?! But how?
Huminga siya nang malalim bago nagpatuloy. "Your Lolo had a one-night stand before our wedding day. He was drunk and doesn't remember that night. Then the day of our wedding, the girl with your Lolo's child talked to me and told me that she's pregnant. Do you know what's more painful?" she paused and smiled inconsolably. "That woman is the girl he loved before me, and she was my best friend. My bridesmaid on my wedding day. She admitted that she made him drunk to do it para makapaghiganti saakin dahil inagaw ko daw sa kanya si Juan. Hindi ko naman alam na mahal niya talaga si Juan, eh. Sinuportahan niya pa nga ako noong mga panahon na baliw na baliw ako sa kanya. Mayro'n na nga rin siyang asawa noong panahong 'yon."
"A-Ano po ang ginawa niyo?"
"Humingi siya ng tawad sa akin at sinabing pinagsisihan niya na ang lahat." Nagsimulang tumulo ang luha niya at huminga nang malalim. Nakatingin lang siya sa kanyang harapan. "Pagkatapos naming mag-usap ay nagsimula na ang kasal sa simbahan. I walked into the aisle with nonstop tears in my eyes. Everyone thought that it was tears of joy, but the truth is, those are tears caused by the pain stabbing my chest. It was supposed to be the best day in my life but... it ended up to be the worst and most painful."
Tinakpan niya ang kanyang mukha na puno ng luha at nagpatuloy sa paghagulgol. I just stared at her, too shocked to react. Unti-unting nagsimulang pumatak ang luha ko at mas lalo akong nakaramdam ng kirot sa puso ko. I didn't expect that Lola experienced too much pain. I never expected all of this. Ang buong akala ko ay siya ang totoong ina ni Mom. She looked so happy all these years so we never doubted her. She gave us her true love.
"My best friend wanted to have an abortion but I didn't let her. Alam kong walang kasalanan ang bata. Napag-usapan na lang namin na ibibigay niya sa amin ang bata at kami ang magpapalaki dito. Pero syempre, sasabihin pa rin namin sa bata na siya ang ina nito. But unexpectedly, she died after giving birth to your Mom. She had a fatal disease. Bago siya mamatay ay hiniling niya na itago ko na lang ito sa lahat pati na sa Lolo mo. Kaya ayon... nagtrabaho ang Lolo mo sa ibang bansa at habang wala siya, sinabi kong nagdadalang-tao ako. I can remember how happy he was when I said that."
"I planned it all. Sinigurado ko na sa tingin ng lahat ay totoong binuntis ko si Julia. But you know what, I really loved your Mother as my daughter, and you as my granddaughter."
Pinunasan niya ang luha niya at huminga ng malalim. "Ikaw ang... kauna-unahang sinabihan ko ng sikretong ito, Apo." Pilit siyang ngumiti habang pinapakalma ang kaniyang sarili. I can see the pain she feels through her eyes.
Saglit kaming natahimik. Tanging hangin at huni lang ng mga ibon ang maririnig sa paligid. I just stared at her while tears flowed down my cheeks nonstop. She's not looking at me but I can see that she's suffering. It's painful for me, too. It's making me breathless. Lola is one of the most important people in my life and hearing all of these breaks my heart.
I hope that she can meet Lolo again in their next life without experiencing pain and tragedy. Both of them suffered enough. They deserve to be happy. I wish that the universe will give them the happiness they truly deserve.
"Lola. You're the strongest woman I know. I love you nomatter what happens." sabi ko sa kaniya at napatingin siya saakin. "Alam niyo po ba Lola, mayro'n din akong lalaking minamahal ngayon and he also hates me. Pero I never gave up, and I will never will." Napatawa ako at nanatili lang nakatingin sa harapan. "I love him to the moon and back. Sobrang mahal ko siya sa punto na handa kong i-sakripisyo ang buhay ko para lang sa kaniya."
I thought Lola would react like other people do when I told them that. They called me stupid, childish, or sometimes they would laugh at me. But Lola didn't do the same. Instead, she hugged me and chuckled.
"Lola mo nga talaga ako. We're both stupid in love. But jiha, sometimes, being stupid is okay if it's the only way to make you happy. Being stupid is a normal characteristic of a human being. If that's the only way to show your love then, there's nothing bad about it. Pero 'wag masyado, ha? Huwag tutulad kay Lola. Mapapahamak ang puso mo."
Natawa rin ako dahil sa sinabi niya. Alam kong mapapahamak ang puso ko. Actually, matagal nang napahamak ang puso ko. Ever since the day I remembered my past life, I chose to feel that pain in order to continue loving Romeo. Handa akong tanggapin ang lahat ng consequences kahit na mas masakit pa 'yon sa inaasahan ko.
I will love Romeo even if I feel the same pain Lola felt, or even worse than that.
"Anyway, ang sarap pa rin ng luto mo, Lola! Can you teach me how to cook? Para naman maging magaling akong housewife in the future!" I said, trying to change the topic and lighten up the conversation.
Napatawa si Lola at napa-iling-iling. "Sige, apo. Para naman mapasaya mo si Romeo kung siya man ang mapapangasawa mo."
Hindi ko mapigilang kiligin dahil sa sinabi ni Lola. Kita niyo na! Pati si Lola boto sa'min ni Romeo. Talagang itinadhana kaming dala—
Pero teka...
I never told her his name. Paano niya nalaman 'yon? She never met him! Wala namang nagsabi sa kanya, eh.
Napakurap ako nang ilang beses hanggang sa tuluyang napalitan ng pagtataka ang mukha kong namumula.
"Lola...p-pano niyo po nalaman na Romeo ang pangalan niya?" nagtatakang tanong ko.
Bigla akong nakaramdam ng hiya dahil baka nalaman niya ang mga kabaliwan na ginagawa ko para lang magpapansin kay Romeo. Bilang isang apo niya, sobrang nakakahiya 'yon! I always display a modest image when I'm with my family. Baka ikahiya niya ako bilang apo niya kapag nalaman niya ang mga kakulutan ko. I never cared about what people would think about me, pero si Lola 'to eh.
Napatawa siya at bahagyang lumapit sa'kin. "Secret," bulong niya at kumindat. Sigurado akong may nangyari na hindi ko nalalaman!
"L-Lola?" My eyes widened, and I felt my cheeks blushing. She laughed even more, habang ako ay nababaliw sa kakaisip.