A/N:
T/W: Mentions of self-harm
(If you don't wanna read this chapter private message me and i'll tell you what happened x)
xx
A week had passed from Phil making that decision. Nobody noticed. He even stopped making videos because the voices in his head wouldn't get out. Everything got worse.
As days passed, his eyes got dimmer. His face began to turn a paler colour and he was always locked up in his room, skipping meals.
This wasn't just because of a few petty comments. It was triggering. Phil had survived for so long, but little things like this was what triggered those horrific thoughts back into action.
Phil, Dan doesn't love you anymore.
Yes he does, Dan loves me! He's my husband, of course he does!
Then how come he hasn't noticed what's happening to you?
...Dan's been busy.
Too busy for his own husband? How absurd! Phil, face the facts. He's not interested in you anymore.
But I've stopped talking, what more do you want?
Do you remember that little thing you use to do to yourself a long long time ago? The thing that would make this all go away?
No.
Phil, cut.
No.
Phil it will release all the pain.
Please no.
It will soothe the pain.
Please no no no.
It will get rid of the pain.
By this point, Phil was screaming, shaking and whimpering under his bed sheets as he cried for help. But Dan was out. So nobody heard poor Phil doing something he hadn't done in years, cry himself to sleep, clutching a kitchen knife.
*******
Dan knew he was being a terrible.husband. He promised himself that this would be the last trip and he would return to his precious husband for good. No more other visits for a long while since he hadn't seen Phil in a month.
Dan slowly turned the keys, unlocking their front door and shutting it behind them. The house was eerily silent. He knew something was up since Phil never answered his texts or calls anymore.
Dan creaked around their apartment, looking for Philm concluding that he was probably in their room. He slowly turned the door handle, opening the door.
When he opened the door, inside lay Phil, sitting in the corner who was what was hopefully passed out.
Dan rushed over to Phil, shaking him awake. When he opened his eyes, they were a dull grey colour and he had bags with his skin a pale shade.
"Kitten what happened?!" Dan gasped, cupping Phil's cheeks and pushing back his greasy hair.
Phil quickly shook his head in return making Dan's eyes wide.
"Phil...Phil what happened." He said sternly which just resulted in making Phil flinch.
Dan sighed, unwillingly getting his phone out and opening his notes, handing it to Phil. Phil shakily took the phone into his hand and Dan could see how bony his hands were, showing that he had hardly been eating.
Phil typed something in but mispelled alot of it, but Dan could make out what it said.
Thoughts taken over. Mute.
"Baby no." Dan's voice cracked, hugging Phil tightly as tears escaped his eyes. "Please please no!"
Phil sat emotionless. He had cried too much, nothing would come out. He just clutched onto Dan, unable to explain how he felt anymore.
"Look. We got through this before. We are going to fucking get through this together, kick those thoughts out for good, are we clear?" Dan said shakily.
Phil shrugged sadly, biting his lip.
Dan got up, helping Phil up too and sitting him on the bed. He took Phil's hands into his, looking into his eyes. "Phil. I have been the shittiest husband ever, I don't deserve someone as beautiful and sweet as you. But i'm selfish and I am not letting you go. Okay? You are gonna get better again."
Phil finally let out a choke cry as he sobbed quietly into Dan's arms, shaking uncontrollable.
Dan held Phil tightly until Phil would stop shaking.
~
"How was your shower?" Dan asked once he had finished changing the bed sheets.
Phil smiled slightly, shrugging.
Dan sighed, watching as Phil made his way into the kitchen. He would finish making their bed before joining him.
Phil looked around the kitchen. He felt faint-headed. He needed food. Phil grabbed some toast, eating it with some nutella messily spread onto it.
He immediently felt sick but tried to keep it down. For Dan.
At this point, Phil wasn't living for himself anymore. He was living for Dan.
Every so often would Phil get nighmares about Dan crying himself to sleep like Phil did after finding Phil hanging im their room. Or in a pool of blood on their floor. Or by some scattered pills on their bed.
No.
He can't do that. He couldn't.
But.....what if he didn't care?
Phil quickly shook that thought from his mind but as always, it didn't work.
Phil, if you were to die, right now, Dan would feel relieved. He would feel happy that you were gone. A burden.
He would not.
Unwanted.
I'm not unwanted.
A burden.
I'm not a burden.
Dan has to do so much for you, what do you do in return? Cry like a little baby. You're a bother. Always pestering him about your problems.
I...I am?
You are. Phil, you deserve a punishment. Always hurting Dan.
Those three sentencing continued in Phil's mind, getting louder and louder. He started quivering, which turned to screaming and swearing. He needed it. Needed something.
Phil shakily looked through the kitchen draws, finally finding it. A knife.
Just something small. Nothing too big. Maybe a deep cut though, it would last a while and keep the thoughts away. Just a deep one.
Phil held the knife in his right hand, shaking helplessly as he inched it down to his wrist which was already littered with deep fresh scars.
Before he could plant another one, he heard a shriek.
"PHIL! PHIL STOP!" Dan yelled, tears freely flooding from his eyes as he ran to Phil.
Phil quickly held the knife out for defence, not thinking right. He clenched his eyes shut as the sane words repeated through his mind.
You're hurting Dan, so hurt youself.
Phil helplessly swayed the knife about infront of him to make sure Dan wouldn't get any closer. This was a panic attack far worse than any other. Phil wasn't normally this bad. But there were occasions where Phil would freak out too much.
Somehow, he felt the knife being grabbed at the other end, hearing it being thrown across the room, clanging as it hit the floor.
With eyes still closed, he felt warm.
Dan was holding Phil as he made him sit down, hugging him tightly. Shaking still, Phil was clutching onto Dan, burying his head in his chest.
Dan just whispered the same words over and over again.
I love you so much.
It was this which helped Phil to quickly and easily fall asleep in Dan's arms.
Phil was knocked out for nearly two days due to his lack of food, being woken up occasionally as Dan would feel him but him remembering none of that.
Phil finally awoke, his eyes blurry as he felt Dan place his glasses on for him.
"Phil." Dan breathed out. "I wanted to take you to a hospital but I know you hate them so much, so I thoughtI could aid you. Kitten what have you done to yourself?" He croacked out tiredly.
Phil sniffed, shaking his head. He looked down at Dan's hands, seeing bandages covering up his right hand.
Phil bit his quivering lip. "I-I-I d-didn't m-m-mean t-to....h-h-hurt y-you. I-I-I l-love y-y-you."
Dan felt butterflies in his stomach whenever he heard those three words. Even now. He grabbed Phil's shaking hands.
"I'm perfectly fine my angel. But look at you! Poor baby! But look on the bright side, you're a few days clean."
Phil burst into uncontrollable sobs, whimpering out inbetween them 'i'm sorry' to which Dan hugged Phil tighter, kissing his head occasionally.
"I love you so fucking much Phil. We're gonna get through this okay? Again. Because I love you so much."
Phil nodded sadly. Now he was determined that he would defeat this. Especially with Dan by his side.
xx