Work was something else. I somehow found it in myself to return the next night, just to know that Anthony wouldn't. I could see what Manaphel was saying. The humans sure did enjoy it though, and apparently I'm worth a fine amount. I felt like I was worthless though. The humans that came that night were rude and demanding. I had to serve them. That was the job.
The night started out fine. I was powdered up with makeup by one of the girls. That was the first time I ever wore makeup. I expected a lot of firsts from that night. The makeup was perhaps the best part from that night. I felt good when I looked in the mirror. I was some kind stunning again, even if it wasn't ethereal. It was in a human way, and it was enough.
Then the damned place opened. The boss stood near me, watching. It wasn't too busy.
"Hey Oliver!" the boss called out to me. I looked over to him. He was motioning me over, so I went. He wrapped his arm around my waist and whispered, "Look, you're a fine boy. I would almost want you for myself."
"Why don't you?" I asked.
He pat my chest twice and chuckled, "You're worth too much as a virgin. Someone else can pay for that pleasure."
"And how much am I worth?"
"That's to be discussed with the buyer. Now get out there and stop acting shy. You're not the shy type."
He then pushed me away. I drifted around. Angels stared. I could care less. None of them would have made the same sacrifice. Still it was like thousands of eyes were upon me. Yet they all turned away the moment some man with slicked back hair and was clothed in fine velvet. He reserved me for the hour.
I was worth three gold coins. Not too bad.
And after I got a nice break.
What was in between, I felt, was the least pleasurable pleasure. Nobody told me how bad it hurt. I figured it was supposed to feel good. After all, why would humans be so obsessed with it. Of course I was a toy to them, so maybe that had something to do with it. Do dolls like being played with?
I suppose after a few weeks it wasn't as bad, but it was never good. I didn't enjoy it by any means, but I made more money than I ever expected and it stopped hurting so much after a week or so. Still, some nights I'd leave bleeding. I'd stumble out in my ripped velvet jacket and head to Anthony's doorstep. I'd slide my tips and paycheck for the night through the letter box.
They all did much better after nights like that.
They all did well for years in fact. With all the extra money they earned they were able to move to a fancier apartment. Linda bought new hats and dresses. Both Anthony and Archie got new bikes. Best of all they had food on the table every night. It was nice to glimpse in the window and see them living like they deserved to.
Things started to change as Anthony got older. He was an adult by the time I took notice of anything. He started praying again, not to God but to me. I could hardly even call what he was doing praying. It seemed like he was more so begging for forgiveness. He, yet again, was a love sick fool.
Not soon after his repentance started, he stumbled into the brothel. He looked like a saint amongst sinners. His large brown eyes shot through the crowd like bullets, and hit me in between the eyes. He then approached me. I wasn’t ready yet.
“I need to talk to you.”
I looked down at the floor. “You’ll need to pay then.”
He then fished the money from his pocket and placed it in the plan of my hand. I had him follow me back to a room.
“You don’t have to sit on the bed if you don’t want to,” I said as I sat down on top of the duvet, “You never know what you’ll accidentally sit in. I’d be careful where you step too.”
He sat down next to me anyways. All he did was stare at me, at least in the beginning. At least until I said, “If you’re not going to talk, I’ve got customers I could tend to.”
He sighed, “I don’t want any more money. I don’t want anything good anymore. I don’t need it.”
I patted his knee. “Just say you want love.”
“I do. I want love. I don’t know what to do though. Everyone is happy with someone except me. Even my mother is writing letters to my father who she hasn’t seen in two decades. I’m just ready to be loved. I want to be like everyone else.”
“What do you think it’ll be like?” I asked. I then grabbed a pillow and hugged it. I didn’t want to hear about me , but I was expecting it.
He then closed his eyes and said, “I’m thinking about getting a nice girl. It’ll just be us if all goes like I want it to.”
“Well that’s nice.”
He then opened his eyes and looked at me. “It’s not what I want though. I’m still a little different than everyone else.”
“Do you have to be? Really, I’ve never understood. Isn’t it just you pick someone and go oh yes you’re very lovely let’s get married?”
He pulled his knees to his chest. “I suppose not. Have you ever loved anyone?”
I sighed, “I loved you in your last life. That’s different though. That was Manaphel playing matchmaker. It’s wrote as that. Anthony, I care about you very much, and it’s in your best interests not to love me or anyone else for that matter.”
“What was I like?”
I laid down on the bed and closed my eyes. “You were stuck up and childish, but you were also kind and resilient. I wasn’t a good enough angel for you then, and I’m not a better one now.”
I then felt the bed move beside me. I opened my eyes a little to see him next to me. “I’m sure you were a fine enough angel if you wouldn’t let me go to Hell.”
I closed my eyes again and mumbled, “There’s a lot of things that are worse than Hell. For one, God’s wrath. Secondly, being toyed with by God like a doll.”
“I’ve heard all about that in church.”
“In there you’re just getting started. I know all about it.”
He then shifted around. I heard him mumble, “I want to live like I want to. I don’t want silly laws saying what I can and can’t do. I don’t want to be played with like a puppet. I don’t want any commandments. I just want to be me.”
I scooted closer to him and sighed, “I do too.”
It was silent for a moment. Only when I opened my eyes, Anthony said, “Quit your job here. Run away with me. We can go have a nice life and live how we want.”
“I’m not quite ready for that yet. You stay here, and live like you should.”
He then got up and sighed, “I don’t need your money. Don’t bother looking for me.”
That night I still left money on his doorstep anyways.
Not very long after that night he met a nice girl. I often saw them around town. Anthony usually had his arm wrapped around her waist. Both of them had smiles plastered on their faces and they seemed to be laughing all the time. I was satisfied. He was living like he should. Still I could tell neither of them really loved each other. They seemed more like really good friends.
I kept leaving money.
That spring Evanora received an invitation to a wedding. I found it on the countertop at home and glanced over it. Anthony was marrying that girl. I couldn’t believe it. Maybe he was happy pretending. Maybe he loved her and I deep down didn’t want him too. I didn’t dare stop the wedding though. It was how it was supposed to be. I spent less time at the brothel after that. There was little to no point of working anymore.
Anthony had everything he wanted, even if part of it was all in his head.
The seasons changed. Ariel released their new plant out into the world and people really seemed to like smoking it. Manaphel and Evanora were happy as ever. Jasper lived the typical life of a cat. I couldn’t help but still feel unhappy as the weather grew hot then cool, then absolutely bitter cold.
It was the winter solstice when Evanora delivered Anthony and his wife's first child. Of all the things in the world that he wanted, I was sure that he didn’t want a child. Still, it was born. A little baby, happy and healthy. I loathed it’s existence.
Two days later I showed up at Anthony’s door. A house keeper answered the door and said, “It’s not a good time for a visit. Come back later.”
“But-“
“Oh you must be the doctor! Yes, come in,” the house keeper said before tugging me in. She then led me down the long, narrow hallway, which was lined with frames and banners. At the end, the door was cracked and inside I saw Anthony’s wife. Blood pooled on the sheets.
“It must be a complication from the baby. She’s been bleeding for hours,” the house keeper said as she pushed the door open. It was a rather horrid sight, certainly not one that was scrub away easy. However, my gaze wasn’t casted at the poor lady, but at Anthony sitting in the corner, holding his child. His eyes were red and watery.
I walked over to the lady. She wasn’t breathing. I then touched her arm. It was cold.
“What’s her name?”
“Clara,” Anthony said.
I tugged the sheet over Clara's body.
“Your Clara’s dead.”
Anthony sniffled, “She can’t really be.”
The housekeeper then began to wail. She hit her fist on the wall, then the corner of the bed. She could have mattered less.
I shuffled over to Anthony and whispered, “I know you weren’t married all that long.”
I then looked down at the baby. She didn’t look a thing like Anthony. She had hazel eyes and her complexion was certainly too light.
“I know,” Anthony mumbled. He then looked back down at the baby.
“What’s her name?”
“Lilly, like the flower.”
I nodded and said, “She takes after her mother.”
Anthony then glared at me. “Shut up.”
“Is she not actually your child?” I whispered.
He then closed his eyes. “Don’t tell anybody, please. I never had sex with Clara. Now she’s dead, and she deserves to rest in peace, not lay as a whore.”
I patted Anthony’s shoulder and said, “I wouldn’t dare tell anyone. It’ll be alright. What can I do for you?”
He opened his eyes again and shot his gaze out the window. “I don’t know. I’ll be alright.”
“Did you actually love her?”
At that moment the doctor came in. The housekeeper looked at the both of us. I stood up and said, “I might as well be leaving now.”
After that I didn’t return back. I trudged my way home through the half foot of snow that had accumulated since last night. It crunched beneath my boots, but I was entertained by the sound. On the path to the house, I saw Manaphel leaving as I was going. We didn’t stop to speak. I could have cared less about what a demon was doing in a snow storm.
But I cared a little, so I turned around to see which was she was going. She went left where I had went right, then she went right where I went left, and that was as far as I could see. Perhaps she was going to see where I had been, but I hoped that she was simply just going to town.
I continued to the house. Inside I chucked my boots off in the foyer. Evanora was in the kitchen bundling herbs. I went and sat down across from her.
“You won’t believe what I found out,” I said.
“Hm?”
“Remember Anthony's baby?”
Her fingers continued to wind the string around the bundle, and her eyes stayed focused on that. However she nodded her head so she must have remembered.
I continued on, “Not his baby. Anthony knows. Obviously not his. Anthony’s too much of a man’s man to have been the father.”
“Not surprised.”
I started to rock back and forth in my chair. “Do you think they loved each other?”
“No.”
“They were just good friends, right?”
“Sure.”
I asked, “Do you still think he’d want me?”
She then set the bundle down on the table. “No, Oridon. I don’t mean to upset you, but he has every reason to hate you.”
“Like what?” I asked. I continued rocking back and forth.
She said, “For one, you were there during the last time he tried to sell his soul. Secondly, you told him you’re weren’t interested in him. Third, you probably have scared the shit out of him. And fourth, if you fucked up in any way at his place, then he’s really not going to like that. I know him. He’s a sensitive man. I just don’t think you can understand that.”
“What do you mean you don’t think I can understand? You don’t know what I do and don’t understand. I know plenty well about sensitivity.”
She leaned against the table and asked, “But do you? I know you want to be a good angel, but some things are better left to humans.”
“Like what? Love?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“I don’t think so, Evanora. See, some things are better left to the divine and devilish.”
She went back to wrapping the herbs in string. “And you’re still fighting on the side of love.”
That hurt in all the right ways. I pushed away from the table.
“You bet I am!” I shouted at her.
“You’re a mess, Oridon. Clean up your act.”
I shook my head and sighed, “There’s nothing to clean up.”
I then stumbled away from the kitchen. Ariel was sitting on the couch, reading a book. I sat down next to them and pulled my knees to my chest.
They then simply muttered, “Feet off the couch.”
I asked, “Do you think you’re funny?”
“Sometimes,” they said. They then turned the page. “Do you think you’re funny?”
I crossed my arms. “I don’t think I’m funny right now. We have a problem.”
“I don’t think we have a problem,” they said. They then looked up at me. “You have a problem.”
I did have a problem. Of course I did.
“Wonderful thing to tell me, Ariel,” I mumbled. I stood up and paced the room. I kept glancing up at Ariel. Not once did they ever consider speaking, or perhaps they did, but didn’t have the guts to say it.
“Are you going to tell me something? Come on, Ariel. Help me.”
They said, “Just relax. Look, I think I have something to help you. You just have to trust me.”
“What? Is it your miracle plant that you have Manaphel smoking all the time? If I wanted to relax like that I’d just grab a bottle of whisky. I don’t need to relax, I need to solve problems. How do we solve problems?”
They stood up and wrapped their arm around me. “Look, Oridon, this isn’t about us. I solved your problem. You can do whatever you need to do to make your little heart happy.”
“I never agreed to that anyways.”
“Still, it was a great deal. Do what you need to do. Your sins are my sins, up until I fall. You can really do anything at all during this little life of his.”
I crossed my arms and jerked away from them. “I don’t want to do whatever. I don’t want you to fall. I don’t want to fall in love with Anthony. I really don’t want him to go to Hell. I don’t want any of it.”
They sat back down and crossed their legs. “So, what do you want? How do you think you can make everything better?”
“I don’t know.”
“I can’t help you until you think up something. I’m not here to solve your problems.”
I plopped down beside them. “Fine!”
“What?”
“I’ll tell you exactly what’ll fix it!”
“Go on,” they sighed, “If you have something good to say you might as well tell me.”
I grabbed their shoulders, clenching as tight as I could. “You- I- I think I’m going to-“
“You’re hurting me,” they said. I let go of them, even though I knew that they couldn’t actually be hurt by that. Few things hurt angels. My hands were not one of them.
I laid my head down on the back of the couch. “Can you keep a secret?”
“Of course I can.”
“Manaphel said that I could take Anthony’s place in Hell. If I did it now, then you could be saved. Anthony would be saved too.”
“Oh,” Ariel gasped. The couch shifted around a bit. They laid their arms across me and whispered, “Look, I really don’t mind falling. I’ve been trying to ever since I met P.I.T.A.. I’m really just a problem child the big man can’t stand to get rid of. I don’t know what to say except I don’t mind. I’ll buy you time. If you really, really think Anthony is worth it, then I’ll be waiting for you. You don’t want to be alone in Hell.”
I wrapped my arms around them and sniffled, “I wish things could be how they used to be. Anthony ruined my life.”
“You didn’t have a life before. Anthony’s human, you’re an angel. Try to smile about it. You get to enjoy Earth, and you know much more than most other angels ever will. Plus, you can feel things. You can taste things. And you have emotions. Imagine being cold inside again.”
I sobbed against their shoulder, “It’s like I’m human.”
They patted my back and said, “And humanity isn’t a bad thing. They’re not perfect, but they’re not bad.”
“They’re not very good either.”
“No, but they don’t have to be. And if you’re going to be here, you might as well get the full experience. Aren’t you glad you know how warmth from the sun feels? Or how nice it is to cry when you need to? Or the smell of baked goods? Doesn’t your heart rush?”
“Sometimes, but I wish it wouldn’t. I just want everything to be the same again,” I sighed.
“What about if you could have everything you wanted? Wouldn’t you be happier with it? I’ll tell you something, they never taught you angels how to dream. I’ve heard centuries of preachers talk about hope, but none of the holiest things have hope. Think about what you want, and believe in it. You don’t have a God or Heaven to cling onto anymore. You need something else in that place.”
I sat up and wiped my eyes with my fists. “I’ll think about it.”
I did think about it. I thought about it for quite some time actually. After that I had left to be alone again. I liked the city a lot, so it made sense to me to head back there. People bustled in the streets still, and it made me feel tender inside to see the smiling people selling their trinkets and treats.
I rented a small apartment that overlooked Main Street.
Every morning I watched the little people. During the first year I watched a lovely young couple converse in the street every day. By the second year they were married. Of course, by the third they had two children. Then by the fourth year of the children had gotten sick and died. It was after that the man started to beat his wife. I didn’t care to watch more after that. Still, every day seemed the same for the next decade.
Every morning was spent watching the sun rise over the roofs of buildings. Then I’d read the daily paper -it always said America was becoming more hostile- and sip on coffee that I never cared to finish because no matter what I did, it was always too bitter. By the time the coffee went cold I’d mumble to myself about how I would stop drinking the fowl stuff, but the can of ground beans always seemed to be full even though I never bought any. I suppose if I really wanted it my coffee would never go cold either, and I wouldn’t have to clean up either if I didn’t find any joy in it. Yet, I would always dump the left over coffee out the window and scrub my cup with a wet rag that seemingly never dried.
With little things like that what Ariel said seemed a whole lot clearer. I suppose I did like some human things after all. Maybe I just didn’t understand them as well as I thought. After all, I was taught a lot about human things, but I was never taught why or what to do about the fine details.
Nobody ever told me that I could just pour the left over coffee down the drain, and it never really occurred to me to do so until the lady who lived directly below me asked why I poured coffee out the window. I didn’t know. She didn’t like that as a response and told me that I needed to scrub her window or she would call the police. That was fine with me, and I told her the spot would be gone within the hour.
I was doing something improper, even though I didn’t know any better. That made me feel ashamed of myself. I was much like two little humans in a garden after hearing about nudity from a nude snake, except the lady wasn’t naked, she was in a coffee stained bathrobe.
I went on with my day and the stains on both the window and her bathrobe disappeared. I was delighted by that, although it was exactly what I expected.
During the fifteen-ish years I spent there nothing changed inside my apartment except for me learning it was better to flush coffee down the toilet, but that’s apparently not what you’re supposed to do either.