If you are here, you have made it to the final chapter of Starboy! Thank you for sticking by me and reading my story, I hope you love the ending. I'm sending a virtual hug to the wonderful people who have voted, commented, reached out to me and have just spent time reading this book. This one is for you.
Let's go!
—
Brandy
A piece of the world seems like it's missing. This is similar to how I felt when my mom passed away. Clearly, this situation is entirely different, but that feeling of loss is always the same. And even though she's a phone call away, Hellen is still ten thousand miles away from me.
It's hard to just snap my fingers and pretend like my whole world isn't changing, but I'm trying really hard to learn how to deal with it. After all, what's a little more change, right? This whole year has been nothing but change.
Benji and I sit next to each other on the couch and start thinking about the check his mom gave him a few days ago. He hasn't spent so little as a dime from that check because he doesn't know what to do with it. For the very first time in our lives, he has this insane amount of money that he was never taught how to spend wisely.
"I think we should save it all. I'm not going to let anything out of that account," he decides.
"Benji, stop saying 'we'... there is no we in this. This is your money, and you need to decide on your own what to do with it. Spend it, save it, it's really up to you," I tell him.
"We need the money for rent. Doesn't that concern you? B, you are a part of my life and I need you to help me with this. I'm totally blanking on what to do."
"Your mom did say she was going to send you more but I don't think you should have the mindset that since there's more money, you should spend it all in one day."
"I never said I would do that," he says. "This is crazy. We're nineteen, we shouldn't be worrying about things like this. Do you ever feel like we're growing up too fast? From moving out together and all the shit we've been through this past year... I don't even want the money. It's too much of a responsibility."
"Keep it in your account," I reach for his hand. "You don't have to decide this right now."
"We," he corrects me.
"No, not we. You."
"I said what I said, B. I want you to be completely involved in my life, from the little things to the bigger things. Please."
I nod. "If that's something you want, of course, I will. We," I finally say.
He smiles and squeezes my hand. "Come on," he says, gesturing his head toward the door.
"Where are we going?"
"Just come on," he smiles. "I want to take you somewhere."
We walk around the city for a bit and I am more than curious where he is taking me. With Benji, I really never know. He is so unpredictable and spontaneous, he does whatever he wants to whenever he wants to.
"Where are we going?" I ask for the millionth time. He doesn't answer so I stop him and look at him until he says something. "Benji, where are we going?"
"You've got feet, right?"
I look down at my feet. "Um, yes."
"Use them," he smirks as he begins walking again.
"Benji," I groan.
I keep myself distracted by talking to him about little things, but he's far too focused on whatever he's thinking. I'm babbling on about the new school year and he is completely in his own world, smiling to himself about some thought he had.
We stumble upon a very familiar area and my feet stop moving. "Benji, what are we doing here?" I look up the great, tall building that I used to call my home. This is the apartment we first lived in before everything took a dramatic turn with Mr. Cruz.
He tucks his hands into his pockets and smiles at me. "We should buy back our old apartment."
My eyes widen. "Benji..." I trail off as I look up at the building.
"We never wanted to leave it in the first place. This building — 11B — is where we started. This is where I really fell in love with you and where I truly felt at home. And now that I have the money, I can buy it for us. I don't know if I have enough for a lifetime or anything, but it's enough," he says passionately.
My mouth is o-shaped and I can't believe him. "Is this something you've been thinking about these last few days? This apartment?"
He nods. "This is my home, B. This is our home."
"Benji, this place... this isn't where we started. Do you know where we started? In Ms. Parks' class in the sixth grade," I chuckle. "We started at the skate park and at my dad's apartment. With or without this apartment, we're still us, and nothing could change that. I love the place we have now and do you know why?"
His expression is blank.
I reach for his hands. "It's where I saw a whole different side of you. It's where you decided you wanted to make your own decisions and start working for what you want. It's where... we had sex for the first time," I laugh. "And it's where you got sober. All we did was move onto a new chapter in our lives — a better one, at that. But if moving back here is something you want, I one hundred percent support that and I will follow you wherever you want to go."
He smiles after a minute. "No, I want to live where we are now," his voice is soft and gentle. "I'm sorry, you're right, this is ridiculous."
"You don't have to be sorry and I didn't say it was ridiculous. Benji, I loved this apartment too, and if this is where you want to live I would be happy with that too. I just want you to do what you want to do."
"What happened to we?" He says. "Remember, this isn't my decision. From now on, you are a part of all of them."
"I think... it's healthy for us to keep moving forward, and not returning to old things or old places just because they seem comforting. I always want to take a step forwards with you, and this looks like it would be taking a step back. This place was such a wonderful chapter of our lives, but Benji, that chapter is over. And that isn't a bad thing, it's actually the opposite. I mean, thank God I'm not the person I was when I was living here."
"And thank I'm not either," he mutters.
"Exactly," I say. "I want to move forward with you. Always."
He kisses me. "Then let's move forward. You're right — no going back to the people we used to be. From now on, we are going to do better than we used to and be happier than we used to be. B, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
I smile at the touch of his hand on my cheek, slowly leaning into it. "I love you."
"God, I love you, too."
He wraps me in his arm as we turn around and leave the place we used to call home. On the walk, I realize that we really aren't the people we used to be, and that is such a rich, wonderful thought.
Benji's phone rings and he immediately picks up. "Shawn?" He says into the phone. They small-talk for a few minutes and Benji laughs at something he says. I feel like I haven't seen Shawn in a long time.
"Alright, buddy, I'll see you soon," he hangs up.
"What did he call for?" I wonder.
"He... actually invited us to a party. Well, he invited me but obviously, I wouldn't go without you."
"Benji, a party?" I stop walking. "Have you forgotten about your... hello... your sobriety?" I shrug.
"Relax, I'm not going to be drinking," he assures me. "I just think it would be cool to see what a party is like without the liquor and the drunkenness and the hangover. What do you say?"
"I say, that sounds like a really bad, stupid idea."
"Come on, B, don't you trust me?" He looks at me adorably. "Because I trust myself."
I look down at the floor to think and then back up at him. "I don't know."
"We're too young to be worrying about the things we worry about. I just want to feel nineteen for the first time in a long time. Sober..." he adds.
I roll my eyes. "Where is the party?"
"It's at the frat house, coincidently right around the corner."
"I trust you," I say. "Please don't let me down."
We walk over to the frat house, which brings back so many memories. I look up at it, I walk through its halls, and I feel like I'm right back to where it all started. I can feel the fear and anxiety I had during that very first college party, right before I ran out, told Benji how I felt and how he kissed me.
Benji holds my hand as we walk through the house, mingling with other people — most of who are too drunk to have actual conversations with. And as I watch them all laugh, fall over, take shots and play games, I realize how over I am with parties. I would much rather be at home with Benji, curled up on the couch watching something on television.
I pull Benji aside. "Why are we here?" I ask him.
"To have fun," he responds. "Are you not having fun?"
"Not really," I mumble. "I feel out of place, just like I did the first time I was here. I've outgrown this and so have you."
"That's exactly why we're here, B. We needed to come here to realize how far we've come. I mean, I'm standing here and all I want to do is leave. I'm not tempted to take a drink," he explains.
"So let's leave," I suggest. "I'm so over parties."
"Okay, we'll leave... if you can tell me where we should go instead," he says.
I shrug. "Home."
"Home?" He chuckles. "We're going to be at home together all summer. I thought it would be good to get out of the house, do something fun."
"But this isn't fun," I tell him.
He sighs. "Okay, stay here. I'm going to say goodbye to a couple of people and then I'll bring you wherever you want to go." He kisses my cheek and walks away.
I lean against the wall and stare at everyone. Suddenly, I have no idea why I was ever so fascinated by alcohol, partying, and games. At what point did I stop caring about this? It was just the other day I was taking shots with strangers at Hellen's friend's party, I don't know what changed me.
Maybe it was the school year ending, along with the Benji drama. Maybe the stress of growing up, making new friends and not understanding how to deal with change, made me turn to liquor. And now that school is out, my life is officially drama-free, and I have an actual sense about who I am in this world and I understand how to deal with change — now I can relax.
"Hey! Look who it is!" Shawn yells out to me and I'm startled by his sudden shouting.
I smile at him. "Shawn! How are you?"
"I'm a little bit drunk," he admits. "But I'm feeling pretty good. Is Benji around? I haven't seen him."
"Yeah, he's saying goodbye to some people now."
"Goodbye? But the party just started! Stay awhile, won't you two? Let's all have a drink, catch up."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I guess you don't know. Benji is sober..."
"Did I know that?" He scratches his head. "Sorry, my memory is not that great. Maybe I did, but I forgot. Are you?"
"Am I what?"
"Sober," he says. "Are you sober?"
"No," I answer.
"Damn, so I guess you're the starboy in this relationship now. Excuse me, Stargirl," he laughs. "Are you up for a drink?"
"We were actually just leaving, I'm sorry Shawn," I say. "Hey, just out of curiosity, where did that nickname come from? Starboy, I mean. You have been calling Benji that ever since I've known you."
"Well you know Benji better than anyone, right? He's always been the life of the party, the star of the night. It sounds cheesy and shit but he's always lit up the room. I guess now that he's sober, that phase is over."
"I always thought that name meant, I don't know, that he was a playboy or something," I say. "Is that really what it means?"
"Yeah," he nods his head. "Listen, Stargirl, come by sometime and we can party together." He raises his cup at me. "Peace."
I smile at him as he walks away. Just at this moment, I realize that I see a part of the old Benji in Shawn. And when I think about who Benji is now, I don't compare him to Shawn at all.
"Are you ready to go?" Benji asks me. I nod.
We walk around the neighbourhood until suddenly, the sun starts to set and I realize we've walked all the way to my dad's house.
"So what now?" I ask as I stare into the blood-orange sunset, the air finally cooling down.
"What do you mean?" His eyes narrow.
"We have the whole summer. What should we do?" I say.
He puts his arm over my shoulder. "What do we usually do during the summer?"
"Usually you are off in a foreign country and I'm here doing nothing. I did summer school most years and then I'd spend the rest of the day with Hellen," I explain.
"It hasn't always been that way, has it? Have I really been away every summer?" He ponders.
I nod. "Greece, Italy, Japan, Thailand, Mexico... you name it. You've been everywhere."
"Do you really remember every trip I've ever been on?" He smirks.
"Well, yes. Where you were has always been important to me. On the last day of school before summer break, I would take a mental picture of you so I wouldn't forget what you look like over the summer."
"Like you could forget what I look like," he laughs. "You see me every day."
"Now I do," I state. "It hasn't always been like this, Benji. There were times I would go months without seeing you."
"That's not true," he says but I can tell he isn't confident with that response. "When?"
"High school," I shrug. "Don't act like you forgot. Once you befriended those guys it was like I didn't exist. You would party all weekend with them and I wouldn't see you. We grew apart."
"No, we've always been close," he says. "You've always been my best friend."
"Yeah, and you've always been mine, but we haven't always been this close," I sigh. "I'm just saying that I'm grateful that we are now. I'm grateful that I was able to spend almost every day with you this past year because I really love being around you, Benji."
"Why do you sound like..." he sighs. "Like this is the end of something?"
"Because it is," I tell him. "It's the end of our first year of college and... I'm scared," I admit. "I'm scared that this year was too good to be true and once summer is over, I'll lose you again. I'll lose you just like I did before."
"B, don't be like that. Things are different than they were back then. I would never abandon you, do you understand that? Back in high school, I was still figuring myself out, and I still am — but now I know what I want," he says. "You. You are what I want. I don't have to wonder anymore or leave the country to get my shit together. I'm not going anywhere."
"I'm afraid of growing up," I say. "Sometimes I just miss who we used to be. I miss little Benji and little Brandy," I laugh. "I miss how we used to skate after school and—"
"We can still do the things we used to do," he interrupts me. "Whatever you want to do, we can do it. Tell me, what is something you want to do right now?" He grabs my hands.
"Go home," I say.
"Okay, let's go back to the apartment."
"No, I mean my old home."
We walk to my Dad's house and I kiss my dad's cheek before we go off into my room. Benji sits on the edge of my bed as I look through my old closet.
"Ooh, I should bring this dress back to the apartment," I say to myself.
Benji picks something off of the floor and I turn around to find him holding my very first skateboard in his hands.
"You still have this?" He chuckles.
"Of course," I smile warmly. "Why wouldn't I?"
"This is like, ten years old," he says. "I gave this to you, do you remember?"
I laugh. "That's why I kept it. It makes me feel nostalgic. When I look at it I just remember who we were and how our friendship started. It was the very first chapter of us."
"Back when life was easy, huh?" He sighs. "Before high school, college, parties and all of that drama. We were so innocent, all we cared about was riding on our skateboards. Nothing else in the whole world mattered."
I smile. "I wish we could go back. I would do so many things differently."
"Yeah? Like what?"
"Like..." I think. "I probably would have kissed you earlier — like five years earlier," I laugh.
"Who's to say we can't go back?" He says.
"Hm?"
"Let's go back in time, B, back when all we cared about was this," he holds up the board. "Maybe this summer we can just be kids again. We can do all the things I never did with you because I was being an idiot in some other country."
"What do you suggest?" I grin.
"Let's start with this," he looks down at the board. "Shall we?" He reaches his hand out to mine.
I nod and smile like a ninny. "I'd like that." We put our shoes on and Benji starts to head outside. "Wait, I forgot my hat," I say as I head back inside. I grab my hat from my room and head back.
"Hey, honey," Dad says. "Have I travelled back to 1999 or are you two going skateboarding around the neighbourhood?"
"We're just trying to be kids again. After such an... eventful... year it's nice to just have fun and forget about all of the drama," I explain.
He smiles. "Have you talked to Hellen much?"
I nod. "I spoke with her on the phone yesterday. Dad, she loves Australia. I think it's her natural habitat and she was placed in New York by accident," I laugh.
"Nah, nobody loves New York more than Hellen," he says. "Let her know I hope she's doing well."
"I will," I say.
Dad sighs as I put on my shoes. "What, Dad?"
"Nothing," he says as he states out the window. "I'm just looking at Benji and I remember the little kid he used to be. He's changed so much, sometimes I can't believe you two were ever kids."
I smile and stand beside him, pulling the curtain open to get a glance at Benji. "He has changed a lot, hasn't he?"
"Both of you have," he adds. "Remember what I said — college will change you for the better or for the worse. And look what's happened for you and him and it's only been one year."
"You're right, and I think we definitely changed for the better."
"I think this might be the first time I've ever really realized how much you both have grown. It's like déjà vu watching Benji waiting for you outside that door. So much has changed this that time, hasn't it?" He sighs.
I carefully watch Benji as he starts doing little tricks on the board and starts skating up and down along the street. I smile as I remember exactly who he was way back when I met him — way back before all of what happened, happened. And when I look at him, I realize maybe Dad was wrong.
"Maybe not that much has changed after all," I smile.
I kiss Dad's cheek and run outside to meet Benji and I instantly give him a big hug.
"Whoa," he says as he hugs me back. "Are you okay?"
I kiss him. "Yes," I reply. "I'm just happy."
He smiles back at me. "I am, too."
"Race to the end of the block?" I challenge him.
"Don't think I'll take it easy on you just because you're my girlfriend," he smirks.
"You'd break my heart if you did," I smile.
"Ah, and I couldn't do that," he smirks again.
"On your mark... get set... go!"
And although he won that one race we had, I'll win the next. And if I don't, that's okay — I think, either way, we both win in the end.
—
AGHHH THIS IS THE END!
Thank you for being here and reading! I know it's taken a while for this to finally be posted but I hope it was worth the wait. I have a few more parts to post for this story and although they aren't going to be 'chapters' I hope you'll check them out.
I have a thank you message to post and also a special little part about the characters.