Hero
"What the hell do you mean you don't know about the wedding!" Jo yells at me as I'm leaning against the wall of the outside of the kitchen and she walking around the living room screaming and crying and I'm holding my tears in. "You heard what I said," I clench my jaw and cross my arms looking down shaking my head. "Yeah Hero, I fucking heard you loud and clear." she says and leans against the wall by the bookshelf and places her hands on her face and just rubs her face gently and then runs her hands through her hair. The past week I've been distant from Jo, she knows why. She's trying to let me know it's okay and that she's there and she is trying to help me but I won't budge. I haven't been able to sleep or eat. I asked Rob if he needed me to fly down but he said he's okay and he's figuring things out and will call me if he needs me. I don't know what to do, I'm hurting so bad but I'm hurting her along the way.
"Jo, I don't want to hurt you.." I say and take a deep breath. She removes her hands from her and hair and plops on the chair by the bookshelf and sits up. "You're not trying to hurt me?" she laugh. "I totally get your upset, I'm trying to give you space and let you grieve Hero as I'm trying my best to be there for you along the way. You can't just threaten to call off our wedding and claim you want to leave in the same day..." she says and tears come down her eyes and I look down cause I can't bear to look at her. "You just can't do that.." she adds.
"I don't know what to do Jo, I'm the reason I didn't speak to my mother and I'm the reason she didn't meet Nora and I'm also the main fucking reason she won't be at my wedding!" I yell and throw my head back and rest it on the wall. "It's not your fault!" she yells and places her face in her hands. "It is." I say.
"I can't believe you want to leave or call off the wedding." she says.
"I don't want to leave you Jo! I'm not going to leave!" I yell and she stands up. "Then don't! We can work this out together and I'll be there for you every step of the way, I'll give you space if you need space in the house and I'll be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on and when you need someone to scream and yell at I'll be there Hero! Don't you threaten to leave me and your daughter when this can be worked out and you won't even let us try to work it out, I told you I'd be there for you but you won't get it in your head! I love you Hero, I want to be there for you but you just won't let me!" she yells and then plops down on the couch.
I just stand there, not knowing what to say. I don't know what to do and I don't know what to say.
"Jo..." I say and begin slowly walking from behind the couch and around to the front of it and sit down next to her. "Don't leave." She says and I just lay back and take a deep breath. "I'm feeling so many sorts of things right now, I don't know how to feel better. This is a shock and it doesn't feel real. I don't know if I can take care of myself right now and I'm just hurting you along the way Jo, and that's the last thing I want but that's what's happening." I honeslty say. She looks at me, "You leaving will hurt me worse then you letting your feelings out in the house with me still." she says.
She's right, I guess.
"And your daughter? Did you even think about that!?" she yells and I just sigh and lean back against the wall. "I'm sorry, okay? I just said it my heads a mess right now."I say.
"I want to be there for you, I know it's hard but Hero, you need to understand that thinking these things will make things much worse." she says and gets up and goes upstairs.
I go to the sink and get a cold glass of water and sit down at the dining room table.
I don't wanna leave my family, that's not my intention but it sure as hell does seem like that's what I am planning, or that's what I want to do. I never meant to freak out on Jo, it just came out.
After rethinking and calming myself down, I go upstairs. "Jo?" I say lightly and go into our room and she's just sitting at the edge of the bed with her hands folded in her lap and she's just sitting there. I open the door more because it was cracked and I slowly walk in. "Jo, let me talk." I say and I stand in front of her and she looks up. I wipe the tears on her face. I hate how I made, make her feel sometimes.
"I'm sorry. I really am. Everything's just running through my head and I never meant to snap, or to make it seem like I wanted to leave you and Nora because believe me that's not my intention, at all." I say. She looks at me and sighs, "It sure seems like your in-" she begins and then I throw my hands out and cut her off. "Believe me, I know. It seems like my intention is to take my shit and leave you both and never come back. That's not what I meant and that's not what's happening either. I promise." I say and grab her hands. "Everything's running through my head, I'm thinking so many thoughts and I was saying honestly everything. I'm not leaving Jo, I don't know why I fucking said that because I would never do that, not to you and not to Nora." Do you ever wish you could take back words you said, or go back to a moment and change what happened in it? I would go back to a lot of things to change something I did or said, but you just can't. It's something you have to live with, it's better to forget about the bad times but sometimes..you just can't. "I just wish you would let me be there for you. It's all I'm trying to do." she sighs.
"I know, I just didn't want to be near anyone but in all honesty, you're the person I need to be near to feel better and I haven't let you. I'm so sorry Jo, I never meant to say I wanted to leave, because I'm not like my father, I'd never do that to you." I say and sit down next to her and place my arm around her and she cuddles into my chest. "It's okay, I understand." She says and I look at her. "I'm never going to leave you. I promise. I just say stupid shit I don't mean sometimes and forget I can't take it back..." I sigh and she begins tracing circles on my wrist. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I'm sorry for how I treat you sometimes." I say and she plays a gentle kiss on my lips. "Hero, it's okay. I love you and I understand how you feel right now, I know it's not easy and I know you say things but can you try to stop saying things you don't mean?" she says and I nod. "I'm not a mind reader Hero, I never know what's true or what's not true. I honestly thought you were going to leave." She sighs and sits up.
"I'm sorry." I breath.
"I don't want to be worried that you'll leave one day Hero, you tell me one thing and then do another. If you would tell me you'd leave again, I'd believe you." She says and I get tense.
She's right. I get and understand what she's feeling, I need to stop doing what I'm doing now or this won't end well. I don't like having her think I'd leave her, just because I say it.
"I know, I can't take it back and I don't want you to think I'd leave." I say. "The wedding? Can we talk about that now?" she says and I nod slowly and sit up and roll my head from side to side to crack my neck then I let out a breath. "Go on." she says and I nod, "I always wanted my mother to be at the wedding, good terms or not. I know if we hated each other, she'd still be there. It just won't feel the same. This whole thing feels so off and different, I fucking hate it." I rub my forehead. "I'm not calling off the wedding, I just don't know if I want to have it..or have it anytime soon." I add.
"I want to have a wedding, it's been my dream, Hero. To have a wedding with the person I love the most and to wear this wedding ring on my finger and be known as someones wife, I've always wanted that. If you can't give that to me.. Then I don't know if I want to have the wedding either." She breaths. "I know your upset right now, but you can't call off the wedding or say you don't know if you want the wedding to happen. You just can't do that, Hero. Not even thinking about me, and please babe, I know your not in the best state of mind, I know your upset but you can't just say these things without thinking them over."
I don't know what to say, or think even.
"You don't want to get married to me?" I ask.
"Do you want to get married to me?" she asks.
"Fuck yes, I want to marry you so bad, you know that." I say and I feel my eyes starting to water.
Fuck. I hate crying.
She comes close to me, "I asked you something.." I breath.
"Yes, I do want to get married to you. You're the person I love most in the world, and I want to marry the person I love the most." she says.
I gulp. I thought she was going to leave me for a second...is this what she felt like? She said If I can't give her a wedding she doesn't want to have the wedding either, I don't know what that means but to me it means she'd be the one leaving me. "Are you leaving me?" I ask and her eyes go wide. "What?" she puts her hands on my face. "Answer the question." I breath.
"No, I'm not going to leave you. Where did you get that I'd leave you?" she sighs and looks down at my hands wrapped together on my lap. "You said if I can't give you a wedding, you don't want to have the wedding either. I can't help but think you'd leave me for someone else, someone else who could give you a wedding when you want it." I say.
"I do want to have a wedding Jo, but what I am trying to say is I'm not ready for one anytime soon." I say.
"If you would of said that in the beginning then acted like you were calling off the whole thing, which I remind you isn't even planned yet." she sighs. "I don't know if I'm ready for a wedding right now. Like I said.." I add.
"I get it, I'll wait." she says.
"You need someone to give you a wedding when you're ready." I say. "I'm sorry. Whenever you're ready, I'm ready." she says and straddles my lap and places her hands on my face. "We just need to get better at communication, and watch our words and what we mean and don't mean, okay?" she says and I place my hands around her waist. "Yes, I agree." I say and then press my lips against hers as her hands go through my hair. "I love you." she says."
"I love you." I say.
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Hey everyone, sorry updates have been off and on. I've been really stressed out with school and haven't had time to write but I promise I will try my best to write again more! Thank you all the support on this book everyone :) (Ps After we fell is on Netflix now so go watch it!) I've almost been writing this book for a year..next month..I think? Thank you everyone for the support. Comment and Vote!
Much Love, A♡