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Date: 27th September, 2021
Warnings: Mentions of death, references to suicide
Word count: 5,064
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The day felt cozy, packed with new life. Although she did have a lot of responsibilities that she definitely needed to take care of, she still found happiness in the little things that she took the time out of her day to do. While Alyssa wasn't as busy as people as Clay or (Y/n) was, that didn't discard or disregard any of the work that she did. In fact, she found herself to be quite a busy person. Which is why it was good to just kick back and let her gut decide her plans throughout the day and, fortunately for her, was to make a change.
"(Y/n)!" She exclaimed excitedly, creaking the door open of her room very slightly so that anybody on the other side would only be able to see a fragment of Alyssa's face, this including her blue eyes, her rosed cheeks and the wide smile that she had been wearing across her lips for the past several hours in excitement.
"Yeah?" (Y/n) uttered, lifting her head up from her sight of the desk. She was leaned over the surface with her elbow propped down onto the wood so that she could rest her chin on the palm of her hand while she read the book in front of her. Her view of it had been stretched away from the words however when Alyssa's voice chimed in her head; she turned her shoulder to stare at her best friend.
"I did something!" Alyssa squealed. (Y/n) clearly saw the excitement swirling around in her body as she was practically jumping on the ends of her toes with her hands latched onto the door handle.
"What is it?" (Y/n) chuckled, fully spinning herself around so that she wasn't just looking over her shoulder.
"Okay- First, I want you to guess." Alyssa said coolly, trying to calm herself down.
"You're really gonna make me guess?" (Y/n) huffed.
"Yes." She simply nodded.
"Alyssa, come on. I've got work!" (Y/n) gestured towards her desk and at the papers and books that were strewn in front of her. "Just tell me so that I can continue."
"Unless you're just really bad at guessing, this will take two minutes maximum." She assured her.
"I'd rather spare those two minutes." (Y/n) laughed out lowly. "A lot can happen in a-hundred and twenty seconds."
"Yes, like guessing! Come on, you could have gotten it by now."
(Y/n) let out a small exhale from her lips as she dropped her arm onto her desk to lean against the cold surface, warm puffs of air leaving her lips in a sigh.
"Fine." (Y/n) exhaled, resting her chin against her palm. "Did you... Get a new sword?" She asked.
Alyssa shook her head quickly. "I'm quite content with my sword, actually."
"Okay, erh..." She drummed her fingertips against her cheek. "Did you... Get a new sweater?"
"Pfft. I could never replace this." She held her sleeve up through the gap in the door to show that she was still donning her usual black sweatshirt with white stripes.
"Unless it's with an exact duplicate of that sweater." She giggled.
"Of course." Alyssa nodded in agreement.
(Y/n) stared up at her ceiling for a split second to think. "Did you get a new car?" She asked hopefully.
"Nope." She beamed.
"A pet?"
"Nope."
"A boyfriend?" (Y/n) snickered, trying to contain her laughter by brushing her fingertips over her lips to try and pull her mouth shut.
"Ha ha." Alyssa forced out her laughter. "That was really funny, well done." Sarcasm laced through her voice.
"Did you get a new job?" She giggled lightly.
"I don't need to." Alyssa smirked, rolling her eyes with a snort. "I already earn my own money and Clay pays for everything anyway."
"Pfft." (Y/n) let out a silenced laughter.
"Hey, once he asks me to start paying the bills, I will!" She chuckled. "But I know he secretly likes paying for everything."
"Why would be like paying for everything?"
"Maybe it's something about feeling powerful. He's the kind of person who likes to provide, you know?" She shrugged.
(Y/n) tilted her head gently in agreement to Alyssa's statement. I mean, she certainly wasn't wrong about that. (Y/n) darted her view over to catch Alyssa's piercing blue stare.
"Can you just tell me what you did?" She huffed, getting a little impatient now.
"Okay," Alyssa pushed the door further open so that she could make her way into their room. Without further wait, the entrance had been opened up to reveal Alyssa's change.
When stepping past the frame, (Y/n)'s eyes widened a little from surprise at seeing the new look that her best friend had worn. Instead of laying her eyes on Alyssa's long and wavy silver hair, it had been cut just below her shoulders, and was wavy as if it had just been taken out of curls. But the one thing that drew the most attention towards her hair were the black streaks that were now seen coming from the roots of her scalp.
"You- You changed your hair!" (Y/n) stammered, a little stunned.
Alyssa moved away from the frame so that she could step further into their room, tucking her palms behind her back to grace her face with a wide smile. "I did!" She chirped.
"It looks nice!" (Y/n) exclaimed, which was followed by a happy titter from Alyssa.
"Thank you!"
"Was there- like- any reasoning for it?" She asked, her eyes glanzing over the black streaks to take in Alyssa's new appearance. She tensed her shoulders to pull them up into a shrug, tilting the corner of her lip.
"Not really." She giggled. "I guess- I was just never able to change my hair before and I think it looked cool."
"Well, it does!" She said reassuringly, which only boosted her confidence more. "Why were you never able to dye your hair before?"
Alyssa paused for a few seconds, her eyes darting towards the ground in an attempt to reach and lost memory. "Strict guardians, I guess." She murmured. "But I've changed it now and I think I look great!" She ran her hand down her fluffy locks, swiftly dismissing what she had just said.
"You definitely do!" (Y/n) smiled. "I'm glad you like it, you look very nice."
"Thanks!" She began walking foreword over to (Y/n)'s desk. "I went to Callahan about it first."
"What did he say?"
"He loved it too!" She cheered excitedly, laying her hands on (Y/n)'s shoulder to peer over it, turning her head to face her best friend. "He said it brings out my eyes."
(Y/n) turned her head to where Alyssa's face had been sat on her shoulder and locked eyes with her, staring into the windows of diamond blue. "I mean, he's not wrong." She felt entranced by the colour. "The silver hair also did that, but I think the black brings it out even more."
"Ugh, I love it so much!" She dashed away from (Y/n)'s desk to waltz over to her nearest vanity, brushing her fingers carefully through the twirls that seemed to part at her touch. Every gesture felt smooth and silky, there were zero knots and her split ends were at a count from little to none.
"I'm glad to see that you're happy." (Y/n) rotated herself in her chair to look back at her work as Alyssa gawped at her reflection.
"Thank you! I am happy!" Her hands clenched together to further display her excitement. "I can't wait to show the others!"
"I'm sure they'll love it too." (Y/n) chuckled, shaking her head to dismiss the situation.
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"Have you guys seen Alyssa's new hair?" Illumina asked with his arms folded over the table, his view was turned to stare over his shoulder in the direction that Alyssa had just disappeared into.
"Yeah, it looks nice." Clay uttered.
"Okay, I found it!" (Y/n) exclaimed aloud to grab the attention of the two men.
Illumina, Clay and (Y/n) were all gathered around their dining table. (Y/n) sat comfortably in one of the chairs that she had pulled out while Illumina and Clay were both stood hovering over her while she flipped through the book that was strewn out in front of her. For the past few minutes, she had been in search for a page that she had accidentally lost when calling them down for their little meeting, her movements were frantic and in a quick hurry to try and look for it.
Her thumb graced over the corners of the pages to finally reveal what she had discovered. Once it was set on the page that she desire, she leaned foreword to push the book closer towards the two, using her hand to hold the book down. The others looked over her shoulder as they had been stood behind her and cast their view at where she gestured her fingers.
Her index finger gestured towards a scratched up photo of four people gathered around a campfire. The setting seemed to be a campsite with two tents set up beside the logs that hung around the warm centre. There was seen to be a man with fair skin and scruffy black locks, a tanned woman with long, dull teal curls that reached her waist and a man with silver-grey hair, but everybody's focus was on where (Y/n) had drawn their attention to.
Someone was crouched down by the feet of the man with silver hair, holding their thumbs up with a wide smile drawn in their face. This person's face had brown hair, almost black, that was messily tied back into a short ponytail. He was wearing a mask, but it was pulled down to hang just below his neck.
"That's you, Illumina..." She said steadily. "Isn't it?"
Illumina stared blankly down at the page, too stunned to speak. Both Clay and (Y/n) saw his eyes widen at the sight of it, and he himself felt a little lost for words.
"I, uh." He cleared his throat. "Yeah, it is- Where did you get that?" He questioned.
"God, I don't even know." She left out a soft sigh. "I was just poking around the library and I came across it in the old section?"
"That's..." He reached foreword to pull the book towards himself, starting to flick through the pages. "I remember that photo, this is a documentary that we did of our visit."
"You must have accidentally given it to me when giving us to books to put in our library a couple of years ago." Clay shrugged, shoving his hands into his pockets at the possibility. "That's probably how we ended up with the other book too."
"You didn't think to check?" (Y/n) narrowed her eyes at Illumina with a hint of disbelief in her stare.
"I had basically forgotten about the whole End thing by then!" His voice felt light. "I was just giving the books away! I don't even read!"
"Clay was just accepting donations I guess." She snickered, earning herself an eyeroll from the blonde. "You didn't think to check either?"
"I don't read that much either, I just wanted the library to look full." He mumbled admittedly.
"You're both clueless." She sighed, pinching at her skin. "Okay, Illumina." She spun the book back around. "Tell us more about your buddies here."
"...These ones?" He referenced back to the campfire image.
"...Yes." She nodded. "The only ones on this page."
"Erh..." He cleared his throat. "Well- These were my friends, you know?" His chest tightened. "That one's Thaddeus... This one's Esmerelda," he pointed at the girl with short, turqoise locks, "but we all called her Esme."
"She looks beautiful." (Y/n)'s eyes twinkled at the sight of her, watching her smile light up the page.
"That one's Atlantis- Or Atlas, I guess." His finger drew to point at the scruffy-haired dark brunette, who was stood right beside Esme, his arm going to wrap around her shoulder.
"Were him and Esme... Close?" Clay asked, looking at the two of them with a very intense stare. "They look very... Intertwined here."
When (Y/n) heard his statement, she moved her head to follow his view. With a second glance, she began to see it. Out of everybody in the photo, they were the only two thag were the stood the closest together. They were all huddled up next to one another, but it was like that were glued by the torso.
"They were engaged." Illumina replied shortly with a deep tone, he gestured towards Esme's hand, which was seen on her hip in the photo. "There's the ring."
"Oh..." Clay's voice fell flat.
Clay turned to (Y/n) to look at her when Illumina had mentioned that, but her eyes stayed on the page. When he realised that his state had not been reciprocated or received, he just shook his head and tilted his head back at the book.
"You mentioned that they all died, Illu." (Y/n) said softly, her eyebrows tilted up in a very soft manner. "How did that happen?"
Illumina fell quiet, feeling like thorns were beginning to wrap around his throat. He was beginning to relive a lot of broken memories that he wished had stayed in the back of his mind instead of resurfacing. Even though it had happened centuries ago, it still haunted him. The pain, it was still there. There was no getting rid of something as serious as that day was.
"I mean- Isn't it obvious?" He stammered, clearly getting a little anxious at answering. "The dragon- It killed them."
"How?"
"Esme and Thaddeus were hit off a tower." He murmured in a monotonous voice, like he was a robot reciting words from a script. He stared blankly into nothingness as the image touched into his mind. "And Atlantis was launched off the dragon into one of the pillars."
"That's fucking brutal..." Clay muttered.
"You got that right." He nodded, his eyes feeling sweaty. "Don't pray for Thaddeus though." He swiftly cut in to warn. "He deserved what he got."
"What?" (Y/n) felt like gasping. Clay was equally as shocked by his spontaneous claim.
"You're making it sound like you killed him." The blonde looked at him strangely.
"I wish I was the one that did." His hands balled up into fists on the table as the memory of Thaddeus poisoned his mind like a plague.
"...Why?" (Y/n) felt stupid asking this question, but it was good to ask before assuming that lllumina was a bad person for wishing death upon somebody he claimed to be his friend. "What happened?"
"He killed Esme." He said shortly.
"Wait, he did?"
"Yep." His eyes darkened as his eyelids fell. "The idiot decided to trade Esme's life for his. Of course, it didn't work out in his favour because he died literally seconds after she did."
They saw his hand tighten around nothing. Illumina just imagined that he was choking the life out of Thaddeus right then and there. Clearly, they had left things off on a bad note before he died.
"I'm so sorry..."
"Don't be sorry." He dismissed him. "Be sorry for Atlantis who tried to avenge his fiancé and ended up getting flung into a pillar like a slingshot."
"Didn't the dragon kill you?" (Y/n) asked. "I still don't understand how you would have gotten out of there alive without at least some suspicion?"
"I faked it." He shrugged, his shoulders tensing to lean his elbows against the table. "I faked my death. I just laid there. Still. And hoped that the dragon wouldn't notice."
"What?" Clay looked at him, a little worried by his sudden change of tone.
"Yeah." He let out the kind of laughter that you knew was only there to downplay his trauma. "After Esme had fallen from the pillar, I went to check up on her. That was when Atlantis went to take his revenge on the dragon... I watched all three of my friends die right before my eyes. I clearly didn't want to be there anymore."
"And staying still... Worked for you?" She was taken aback.
"I guess so." He answered. "I was just leaned over her stomach, trying to drown out the sounds of the dragon. I tried to sleep through it to make it easier."
"Did that work?" Clay's curiosity piqued.
"It must have." He uttered plainly. "I didn't end up falling asleep, but I laid there for a good while before I just woke up in my own bed."
"Maybe you were returned to the Overworld because you were assumed dead." (Y/n) piped up with her suggestion. "Maybe it was Kristen?"
"I don't think about it a lot." He replied.
(Y/n) could see the stress on his face that he tried so hard to conceal. It was obviously a really traumatising thing that he had to go through, visiting The End. And it mustn't have been easy having to lose the life of three people that were really close to him... Well, two people apparently. He sniffled, his had scratching the edge of his nose as he blinked back his tears, keeping a straight face. He had to stay strong during this. It was his only option.
"It's a good thing you got back safe." Clay clasped a comforting hand on Illumina's shoulder, letting out a short breath. "I don't know how the gods would have made a mistake when checking to see if you were alive, but it clearly worked out in your favour."
"Heh." He chuckled. "I guess it did." (Y/n) saw the expression on his face begin to tense as he thought more about his sentence. His fingertips drew over the table slowly, clearing his throat to respond. "But, you know... There are some negatives that come with it."
"Like what?"
Illumina turned his wrist over to reveal the single heart, so unique to what Clay had. The more he focussed on it, the cleared it became for other people to see it. He felt shameful having it on his skin, it felt like it pinched him every time he had to do as little as glance at it. "This." He sighed. "I've lived too many lifetimes."
"Do the people you know not get suspicious?" Clay piped up, scratching the back of his neck.
"They die of old age before they even get to question it." He continued staring down.
"I'm really sorry, Illu." (Y/n) flipped the book shut, turning herself in her chair so that she could better face the other two. She wanted to stare down at her own heart, but she wanted to prioritise her friend. "I'd say I understand because I also only have one heart, but I haven't lived long enough to experience what you have."
"You will understand one day, (Y/n/n)." He said under his breath. "But it's nice that you can live your life to the fullest now before you do."
"I mean- It's pretty difficult to do that." She giggled awkwardly. "There's still a lot of things that I have to learn and so many things I still don't know about." She leaned over the table to lean against the cold, wooden surface with her arm. "You've lived through everything and I've lived through nothing. Callahan had to show me how to print something this morning... You think I would have learnt by now." She chuckled.
"Hm. Time is strange." He simply hummed, pushing his sleeve down to allow the heart to disappear. "But I don't want to live like this anymore."
"What?" Clay's head couldn't have turned faster.
"Illumina, what are you saying?" (Y/n)'s voice went static with concern.
"I'm not planning on killing myself, guys." He exclaimed aloud. "At least, not now."
"Illumina, are you serious?"
"Well-" he cut himself off to speak, but the words only became more and more jumbled in his mind the more that he thought about it. "I've lived a long and
good life. Just over four-hundred years. I've made friends and I've lost some, you know?" He sighed, tucking his palms into his pockets so that the others couldn't see his wringed hands. "I've had this idea that once Fruitberries loses all of his lives, then I'll die too."
"Fruit still has three. He's not gonna lose them in decades." Clay stated.
"Yeah, I know." Illumina's response was narrow, as if to hide the amount of thought that he had actually put into his decision. "That's kind of why I thought of it."
"Illu..." Clay wanted to argue with his friend's decision, but it honestly seemed reasonable. He would still live a long life and spend it with his best friend. What was there to hate about that decision? Maybe it was the concept of him taking his own life once he was done with it, but something about it felt off. He was hiding behind his own experiences and what Illumina had gone through. He didn't mean to downplay anything, it's just that he didn't truly seem to understand.
"Clay, I've been through enough, okay? Once my life is over, then it's over." He shrugged. "There's no point in going on further if I don't have much else to live for."
(Y/n) exhaled softly under her breath before reaching for something in the pockets of her trousers. She took out a small, folded-up piece of scrunched up paper that she messed with for a couple of seconds before placing her arms back over the table to reveal it to Illumina. "So I'm guessing that with all you've lived, you're not gonna want to go back?"
His head darted over towards the paper. "Go back where? What is that?"
Her index finger lifted up the folds to reveal a bunch of notes scribbled onto the page, followed by a bunch of small diagrams that were poorly drawn on. "Since maybe a week ago, I've been keeping some notes written down on The End, and I've been keeping a lot of the information I've gathered in books, but the important bits are here." She lifted it up.
"What does it say?" He queried. Clay stayed silent as he already knew of the notes.
"It's just the stuff that I've already told you and the stuff we already know." She dropped it onto the surface, allowing him to spin it around to stare at it. "Stuff about shit like the one-life rule, the crystals... The gods."
"You have stuff about the gods?" His jaw dropped.
"Yeah, of course." She seemed proud of herself for having gathered this information. "The gods' names are everywhere, it just seems like nobody has linked them to The End dimension."
"It's because nobody actually believes in it." Clay's voice murmured. "They've heard stories and myths, but they've moved onto bigger stories."
"Like what?"
"Like the Aether." He rested against the wall, crossing his arms.
"Wait, (Y/n)-" Illumina's voice fell low. "Are you planning on going back to The End?"
"Well, yeah." Her fingers dragged over her skin to scratch in nervously. "I've actually been planning it for a while. Clay was going to go too." He nodded.
"Why would you wanna go back?" He sounded in complete disbelief, like a random townsperson hearing the story about The End for the first time. He was taken aback by shock.
"Well, you know..." She began with a mutter. "We all have our wishes in life. Yours is to live it to the fullest and mine is to go back to complete what I failed to do centuries ago."
"(Y/n), it was a miracle that either of us came back alive. And you're risking it all to go back there again?"
"That was before I did my research!" She exclaimed. "It's been three months since I've woke up from that coma and I've done all the studying that I could have! I've been to The End. I've seen what's in the other side, and you have too."
"Yes, you've seen what lies beyond. Aren't you hesitant?"
"Me seeing what's in that dimension means that I'm able to conduct better research and prepare myself for what's coming." She stated simply.
"But why would you want to? It was dangerous and felt like torture." Illumina slumped into the chair beside her while Clay continued to hover over them. "I was accompanied by four friends and it was still difficult. I can't even imagine how it must have felt for you."
"It was difficult, but that's why I want to go back. I mean- I thought that my whole purpose was to do something great like kill the dragon! Then I got the The End and fucking died."
"Well, I mean- Technically, you didn't die." Clay piped up, tensing his shoulders.
"Maybe not, but I woke up three-hundred years away from my timeline. I'm in a new age. I want to go back and finish what I couldn't have before."
"But you'll die, (Y/n)." He moved his hand foreword, shooting a very cautious glance into her eyes. His own experiession was tainted with worry and clear fear for his friend. "What if what you know doesn't end up being enough?"
"Then I'll live my life knowing that I tried." She smiled softly, retreating her hands to place them on her knees. Hearing her soft and surrendering tone made Clay's head told down to his feet, his emotions darkening a bit.
There was a moment of silence between the three of them. Although Clay hadn't said much to contribute to the conversation, he still fell whiter than how he was before. Illumina was lost in thought while (Y/n) held her mind to let her dedication burn in her brain. Illumina may not have wanted to return to The End, but she certainly wanted to. She didn't blame him for not wanting to return of course, he probably has a loss stress carried on his shoulders from an event that happened four centuries ago. But she had to tell him.
Illumina would have hated to admit it, but he had considered it once or twice after he had returned back to the Overworld. It's actually come up more than you might have previously thought, moreso now than ever now since he had realised that (Y/n) had been to The End too, but the idea always seemed too out of reach. He would have only wanted to go in the hopes that he'd meet his old friends again, but that would have been impossible. They were gone. And they weren't coming back.
But that didn't mean that he couldn't have other motives.
"I'll go with you guys." He abruptly announced after the silence had dragged on for too long.
"Huh?" Clay said.
"Wait, really?" A light twinkled in (Y/n)'s eyes, excited that he had actually made the consideration.
"Yeah." He wanted to wear a smile on his face, but it was difficult to force it onto his lips. "I'm willing to go back to avenge my fallen friends. I wanna kill the dragon. And, even if I don't kill the dragon, I would want to help you do it."
"You're really not worried about it?" She lifted her hand out to place a comforting palm on top of his.
"Well, of course I am." He scoffed. "But this is greater than me."
"It sounds like you've got quite a bit of PTSD from The End though..."
Illumina turned towards Clay to respond to his statement. "Well, I'm going to have to rise above it to take the dragon down."
"I don't want you to think that I've tried to force you into this just because I've mentioned that I'm going, Illu." She moved away from him, furrowing her brows.
"You're not. I've seriously considered this before and this seems like an oppurunity that I should take." His fist landed on the surface of the desk in a triumphant manner. "When were you guys planning on going? Like- Next month or something?"
"Uh..." (Y/n) cleared her throat. She shot a glance at Clay, causing them to lock stares for just a few moments before turning back to her other masked friend. "Christmas morning, actually."
"Really?" He gulped. "That's a very specific holiday."
"Well- That's sort of the date that I went to The End. Plus, if we end up surviving, then we'll be back in time for Christmas at night since time moves much faster in The End than it does in the Overworld."
"Plus, I checked the patrol. Christmas is like the only holiday where the Strongholds aren't being guarded so that's also a factor." Clay said, earning (Y/n)'s nod.
"And it gives us a bunch of time to prepare."
"Not that we necessarily need preparation." Clay cut in. "A lot of our research is already complete. It's more of us mentally preparing ourselves for the day."
"Yeah." She nodded. "What he said."
"Is it just gonna be us three?"
"Well," Clay stared back at (Y/n) to shoot her an uneasy look before his view turned back to Illumina. "It would have been four of us, but Sapnap didn't want to join us."
"It's fine though," (Y/n) cut in swiftly. "He's gonna be helping us on the other side in the Overworld, along with Callahan."
"What about Alyssa?" He asked. "I mean- She seemed pretty adamant on doing something big before the end of the year. Going to The End seems like a pretty difficult task."
"She's going to be there too, just... Not in The End with us." Clay clarified, saying so a little dimly. "It's way too dangerous. And the three of us are already a good enough group."
"Okay then, well..." Illumina felt short of words before breaking out into a confident smile. "Then I guess that it's settled." The others started to wear the same smile that he did when he rose up to his tallest height in excitement. "We're going to The End!"