Heavy.
That's how Kio felt as he slowly wakes up from the forced slumber their manager put him in. The effect of the sedative hasn't worn off, weighing him down physically, while the memories of what happened kept a heavy load on his heart.
He knew what he did. He remembered the words he repeatedly uttered like a broken record that he probably became. There was something wrong. He's far from fine. The predicament he's in turned him into this—someone full of anxiety and trauma.
He doesn't want to gaslight himself and invalidate what he's going through, but he also won't accept other people feeling burdened about his situation. It was him who put himself in this position.
Everything happened so fast. He was just supposed to mourn for losing the love of his life, but found himself in a parallel world where she's still alive. He was supposed to feel happy to be given another chance, but his reality kept on haunting him. The nightmares, the reminders, the inconspicuous similarities and the vast differences—they're all pulling him back to his original world.
They're all too much for one person to bear.
The hallucination with the headlines is his last straw. It was like a horrible dream coming to life, a déjà vu he never wants to repeat ever again. Experiencing the familiar scene of seeing his name on a dating scandal with his members surrounding him, triggered his fear.
It prompted such painful memories.
"Awake?"
His eyes fluttered open. Blurry at first, but as he blinked the sleepiness away, Hei-won's figure greeted him. Behind him stood his girlfriend, quite surprisingly. He's still not used to the older guy having a girlfriend, and not to mention, she was even a co-idol.
It's only the three of them inside the room, but he can hear the faraway sound of the television coming from the living room. He's pretty sure it's already quite late—probably midnight.
"How do you feel?," Hei asked, handing him a glass of water.
He didn't realize how thirsty he was until he saw the drink. He reached out for it and emptied the glass. Even with his tight grasp, the older guy still attentively held the bottom of it, just in case his hand suddenly weakens.
"I feel alright," his voice came out a bit hoarse. He feels the dull ache in his throat, perhaps from crying and yelling too much earlier. "Where are the others?"
"Lilac was here."
Kio's eyes widened. He is aware of how much he was begging for her earlier, pleading for the members to call her, and scared out of his wits for the girl's safety. It felt both embarrassing and concerning. He had no idea what will happen now. Does he need to reveal everything to them? Why can't he do something right for once? He keeps ruining all his plans and it's driving him fucking crazy—literally!
"Chief talked to her, we don't know what it is about. They talked for almost an hour before Chief announced he'll accompany Lilac to Cres. We're pretty sure the old man met up with her boss regarding the scandal. Manager Chen left with Yohan, they didn't say anything but I guess Chief ordered them to do something. The rest are outside."
"What time is it?"
Aera was the one to respond, "12:27, midnight."
His eyes travelled towards her. She had a sympathetic expression, but there was something bothersome about her eyes like... like she understands. There was no judgement or some sort of confusion, it was pure empathy. And it shook him to the core.
"You're here," he said to the girl, expecting an explanation. She is a complete stranger to him, even in the other world. He doesn't know if this world's Kio was somehow close to her, but he had no memory of ever interacting with Aera in his. It honestly feels like having an intruder see him in such a vulnerable condition, and he doesn't like it.
Just like Eunjung, Aera is like a new character who emerged out of nowhere. She wasn't casted in his original world, but is part of this one. Unlike the former who is just a passing cameo role and he felt no need to know more about, he had this urge to observe Aera this time. She got a vibe telling him she's more than just an extra.
The couple looked at each other before Hei-won held his girlfriend's hand and stood up. He worldlessly gestured for her to take the seat beside the bed instead, which she did.
Kio watched the two in silence, his eyes calculative. He sat up and leaned against the headboard. A serious conversation was about to come, he knows it by the way Hei-won glanced at his closed bedroom door—perhaps even locked even—looking like he's wary someone will suddenly barge in.
"Ki-Ryeong," the older guy swallowed hard, "I wasn't expecting it will cause you to be like this. I didn't know what happened back there, before you came here, he didn't tell me."
It took him a few seconds to process the words but when he finally did, his mouth parted in shock and he was rendered speechless. Questions came flooding inside his mind;
How long did he know? How did he find out? Does Aera know too? Are they the ones behind this? Is this the reason why he feels like he's being monitored by Hei ever since the day he came to this world?
"H-Hei... what? How?"
"I—" Aera hesitated the moment their gazes met. "I am like you. I'm from another parallel, too."
He took an audible breath, disbelief etched all over his face. All this bombs dropping on him one after another are causing his head to ache and his heart to pound hard against his chest.
"Hei-won... h-he died in my world," the girl's lips started to tremble as unshed tears welled up her eyes.
Kio stilled, not letting the fragile figure leave his sight. Aera is like a reflection of himself. Now, he understood what he felt earlier when he looked into her eyes. That empathetic gaze was a real one. She's been in this position. She has experienced everything he's been going through.
An unexpected relief filled him.
"I met the old man too, and he offered me the hourglass. I grabbed the chance like my life depended on it," she smiled sadly. "Before Hei-won died in my world, I didn't get the chance to tell him how much I love him so I was full of regrets... now I can be with him."
"How about the world you left? Your original family? Friends?"
"I was an orphan in my world. Hei was the only family I had—we were childhood friends—so it was easier for me to stay here. This world is much much better for me, but I guess that's not the case for you. You still want to come back?"
"After a year, that's the time given to me."
The couple glanced at each other, a complicated look that passed between them before it disappeared.
"You should consider staying," Hei-won spoke this time. "Lilac's here."
"I know but... we both know it's not the same. They're not—"
"They are," Aera cut him off. "As long as you dwell on the fact that you came here from another world, you won't be able to let go. Just think of this as a continuation of your original life. Like someone cut your first thread but tied it with another—a better one; a thread with Lilac's intertwined with it."
"How about the other Kio?" He turned to his co-member, because he is the one who must be concerned with the original more.
The older guy's expression hardened, "he wanted this."
"What?"
"The old man won't even come to your world to find you, if not for him. He was the one who asked for this to happen, Ki-Ryeong. He doesn't want to stay in this world anymore."
"He accidentally found out about me... my 'world-travelling' I mean," Aera added. "And he took the matter into his own hands to find Mr. Spencer so he could switch with someone."
"There won't be any issue anymore, Kio. Stop being too hard on yourself. Be with Lilac, you're here for that reason." Hei tapped his girlfriend's shoulder, causing her to stand up. "We'll leave you alone for now so you can think about everything on your own."
"I'm sorry we didn't tell you sooner. We both thought just seeing Lilac here can convince you to stay and be happy with her. We didn't expect it will be too hard for you to adjust," Aera said apologetically before following her boyfriend out.
Once he was left alone, emotions finally poured out. Rivulets of tears soaked the sleeve of his sweatshirt as an immense sense of relief and liberation invaded his heart. He felt free from the shackles of thousands of 'what ifs' tying him down these past weeks. He actually had the choice to stay, just like Aera.
There is no deadline, no countdown, no ticking time bomb waiting to detonate and shatter everything he built in this parallel into pieces.
There is another Kio back in his world, who's not devastated about the death of his ex-girlfriend, and who can go back to being an idol—a much better scenario for everyone. There is a Kio back in his world who can still take care of his family and his members. He won't completely abandon his original world because he is actually there, the same time he is here.
Aera is right.
That should be his mentality from now on, and maybe this trauma can turn into a distant memory. He needs to help himself too, because who else will? This is a mental and emotional problem that should be battled on his own.
With one last drop of tear, he promised this will be the last time he'll feel sorry for himself and the world he left. For the first time since he came here, he felt as light as a feather.