When my paternal grandmother was alive, sometimes we didn't see eye to eye on certain aspects. The biggest one I can remember was that I was a high strung tomboy and this bothered my grandma. I wasn't like my other female cousins, nor was I like my sister. Girls were supposed to dress, speak, and act a certain way, and I defied it all.
When it came time for Christmas gifts, one time my grandma gave out nice things to me, my sister and all the other cousins. The boys would get sports team shirts (which I enjoyed wearing. I was a huge Charlotte Hornet fan.) and the girls would get some sort of feminine shirt. Now as I look back on it; I know I should have been grateful, but I was furious inside as a teenager. My grandma gave the boys something I really liked and me something I would never wear! Whether my grandma meant well or not, it was another one of her attempts of many to make me conform.
However let me get one thing straight. I'm not a lesbian and I've never kissed a girl. I grew up playing with barbies like normal girls, but maybe from an artistic point of view since I crocheted doll clothes for them. Yet at lunch I liked playing sports (mainly basketball) with the boys at school and they treated me as one of the guys. I didn't mind that at all. It was better than playing with the delicate prissy girls whom if I said anything out of line, I would be cast out of their social circle.
As I grew up I toned down a little bit, but skirts, dresses, and all things pink, flowers, and frills were out of the question. I think my grandmother gave up on the idea of turning me into a lady but still did not like who I came to be. I emerged into my hippy self with still my masculine personality. I think this drove her crazy and I couldn't understand why she couldn't accept me.
Yes, I understand she came from a time when men were one way women were another and that's the way it went, I couldn't be that woman for her. It just wasn't in me.
As an Irish Catholic, she was progressive in some ways like making her five boys do housework alongside the two girls. Something most women at the time would probably not approve of. I can't remember right now, but I'm sure she did other things that were ahead of her time. I respect her a lot for that.
Though for me, I felt I was the lowest cousin out of 20 on the totem pole with my grandmother. Especially when her dementia set in. I have bipolar depression and even before the dementia, I don't think she fully understood what it was. I'm sure there were also other things she didn't like about me, but mainly I think it was the way I dressed and presented myself.
When she was lucid, I decided to come out and tell her I am a crossdresser. She did not know what that meant so I explained to her that I like to wear men's clothes sometimes. Confused but still with it she asked why? I said it feels good to me and that's just who I am. I think she understood the concept, but didn't want to accept it.
When she was still with it that day I saw an ad for a nice men's leather jacket. Not that I wanted her to get it for me, I just appreciated it in the jacket admiring how good it looked on the man and would look nice on me. She then told me it was a men's jacket. I then explained to her I knew that it was and felt it would look good on me. She then went on to say that again it was a man's jacket. I gave up and changed the subject.
Before she had dementia, she could say some cruel things to me. It's no secret in my family that allI want in life is to get married and treasure that beautiful bond of love between two people. Believe me, I know it's more than that, but that story is for another day. She once told me I should never get married. I was livid! How dare she try to destroy what I want most in the world! I took that to heart.
When she finally passed I had a lot of mixed emotions. I wanted to be sad because she was my grandmother and I'm supposed to love her. This is the woman who taught me 3 great things in life to remember:
Never let anyone take away anything you worked hard for and earned.
How to give a firm and proper handshake.
How to give someone the middle finger the proper way
But also this was the woman who would say things to hurt me and could never accept me for who I was. My brain was an emotional wreck of confusion. I wasn't happy that she was gone but I was also indifferent to the situation as well. This was supposed to be a great loss in my life, and yet I couldn't feel it. This gave me immense guilt as if I was a horrible person that didn't care. I tried to remember the good times to feel sad, but at the time I just couldn't.
This persisted for a few days and I told nobody how I really felt. I didn't want to face anyone's ridicule or dismay for my lack of sorrow for this event. So I pretended and went through the emotions. Still feeling like there were a ton of bricks on my back.
Then one night I had an interesting dream. I was walking down a dark corridor until I approached this bright white wall covered with Celtic designs. I was beautiful. I walked a little further down and there was this cutout in the wall big enough for a human to enter. I peaked in and the walls were immaculate white save for the Celtic designs a foot below the ceiling. There was so much natural light in the room it was blinding, but heavenly.
"Well, come in Honey," a familiar voice welcomed me. I was still a little confused about where I was, but I walked in. There was my grandmother! She was sitting on a tan couch welcoming me to sit beside her and was looking radiant! She was not the person that had recently died a few days ago. Her hair was a gorgeous white and every hair was in place. She was just glowing with happiness.
"It's nice here," she said. "I saw your Aunt Pat earlier." (My Great Aunt Pat who passed away when I was 5, whom everyone loved for her generosity and antics. Her and my grandmother were very close. Unfortunately I was not old enough to remember her.)
"Oh?" I said, taken aback.
"Come on," she motioned to me. "Sit down." I sat down right beside and the couch was so comfortable that I can't explain it. I noticed so many little intricate designs stitched on the couch. "I saw you Grandpa John here too. Here's busy as usual,"she smiled.
I kind of laughed thinking he was probably having council with the Saints since he was a private but a good Italian Catholic man on earth who loved baseball. This didn't occur to me until now. Maybe he was busy hitting home runs with greats back in his day? I hope to ask him one day if I get there.
Then I felt this deep love my grandma had for me. It was nothing like the love people have for each other on earth. I guess some could call it a spiritual love that people talk about when they feel love from God and it was radiating from her like a golden light. I just stared at her for a moment or two.
"You know," said my grandma kindly, "I understand why you are a crossdresser now. I know now it's part of who you are and who you are meant to be. I'm sorry that I pushed feminine things on you. I never knew why it upset you so much until now. Here you learn a lot of things, so you can be whoever you feel comfortable being. I have always loved you; I just couldn't understand you until now.
If I had any relief or deep sense of gratitude for what she said; she knew it before the words came out of my mouth. I felt we had come to far more than an understanding on the issue but to make peace with it. I gained acceptance, love, and appreciation I had not had while she was alive. I did not need to embrace her because she already had me in the warm comforting light.
"And another thing," she told me more sternly now with a voice of deep concern. "I know now how much marriage means to you, How you want it more than anything on this earth. To you it's your soul purpose in life. You know it's not easy, but with all your heart you'll make it work. It's because you know it takes love and commitment. I was with your grandfather. I know."
Then she threw her index finger right up in my face. "I promise you. You will get married," she stated as if she had the direct line to God. (Who knows? Maybe she does?) "But it takes time"
Yet I thought about what she said on earth. That I should never get married. How that hurt me so much inside when that was all I wanted. Now she is singing a different tune? I was confused.
"I mean it!" she said now with an even stronger conviction. "You will get married. Trust me."
"Okay," I said solemnly.
"I have to go now," she said.
"Alright," I replied, having so many positive emotions at once, and a little sad as well that she would be going so soon. I had just made peace with her! However I knew our time was up.
We didn't have to say a word. There were no more words left to say in our brief meeting. Her light faded and soon she disappeared just as quickly. The room started to dissipate and there was nothing but peaceful darkness. Then I woke up.
It was one of the most surreal dreams I've ever had in my life. It was about my grandmother whom I thought did not care about me (unless I conformed to her ways) finally accepting me and understanding me for me. All this time she loved me and I never knew it, while in life I sometimes felt animosity towards her for trying to make me adhere to her ways that I wanted nothing to do with.
I know now everything will make sense if I get to heaven and I won't have to take a number and wait in line like I would half joke about. Knowledge would be given freely. I'm sure if you think to ask it; then it will be given. Everything you inquire about you will learn so quickly whether it's about people on earth or anything else.
God is light and love and as souls; so are we when we pass from this life to the next. Do I believe our loved ones watch us from wherever heaven is located? Maybe sometimes. Perhaps they give inspiration to others where it may be to fill out that job application, go to such and such place, or nudge two people who are single to talk to each other. Whatever it is, it might be the case.
Perhaps a deceased member becomes your spiritual guide to help you through situations such as when you have a bad feeling not to go somewhere that day. In other cases maybe they are in another life through reincarnation as other religions and even some Christians are starting to believe as well. Personally as a Catholic, I too believe it's possible to come back to earth again as someone else if you choose to. Whatever the belief or the reality of the soul, death is not the end. It's a new stage in the continuous journey.