A/N: Hello everyone I'm not sure how many of you are still active on here or reading this story but I just wanted to say if you are reading thank you all for your massive support and I do apologize for not being active lately. I've just been going through a really tough time but I'm hoping to come back and be much more active soon so if you are still with me thank you 💜💜 it really does mean the world...
Ok everyone you know the drill
***ANGST WARNING**
***TW: SELF HARM, SU***** DEPRESSION****
****NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL***
Dec's POV
"Now I'm going to give you some things to take home with you, come with me I'll need to show you how to use them."
I nodded as I followed Alexandra down the hallway and into a small room a few doors down from Anth's the lights turned on and I blinked a few times to clear my vision and let my eyes adjust as Alexandra walked further into the room.
"Come over here Declan..."
Alexandra motioned for me and I came over to stand beside her my stomach twisting a little as I saw a sort of practice dummy lying on a cot in the middle of the room it was really creepy and I just wanted to get back to Anth.
"W-What are we doing in here?" I asked the question hoping to speed things up a little but Alexandra didn't answer right away instead she walked over to a small storage cupboard in the corner and started removing various items from it tossing them into a bag.
I waited a few more minutes and just as I was about to turn and walk out of the room Alexandra spoke.
"Declan do you remember me telling you that if you decided to take Anthony home there were things you may have to do that neither of you will like in order to ensure his safety?"
I bit my lip hard recalling the conversation last night and I took a deep breath nodding as Alexandra came over to the bed containing the dummy placing the bag down and removing something from inside of it.
I couldn't see what it was at first but then Alexandra turned towards me and I gasped as I saw a set of restraints similar to the ones that had been put on Ant's arms last night, was she actually saying I would have to use those at home?
"A-Are those....?"
"Yes Declan these are the same type of restraints we used on Anthony last night, these are called 4-point restraints they go around Anthony's ankles and wrists now when you put these on him you need to be careful; once these are on he won't be able to move his limbs or rotate his body so you will need to monitor him."
I stared at Alexandra in shock as she placed one of the restraints into my hands while another in hers, "I'm going to show you how to put them on so that you won't harm Anthony when it comes time to use them..."
"W-wait.... you mean I'll have to t-tie him up?....."
My heart sped up in my chest of course I knew I would have to watch Anth carefully but tying him up? It had been bad enough when Simon and I had used a tie and that had been when he was asleep, what would it be like to put these on him knowing he would be awake and aware of what was happening to him?
I recalled the way he cried when they restrained him last night, he had been asleep but he had still cried fighting and tugging against the restraints until they had been forced to sedate him further, I wouldn't be able to sedate him...
I would have to stand there and hold him down while placing these on his ankles and wrists all while he would be crying and fighting and probably begging.
The image that flashed through my mind was horrible and I felt bile rising at the back of my throat causing me to drop the restraint as I ran over to the bin on the other side of the room dry heaving into it.
I closed my eyes crying softly as I leaned against the wall, how had things gotten so bad? What was I supposed to do? Could I actually restrain Ant if I had too? What if I couldn't?
That last question made my blood run cold and I dry heaved into the bin again as the images of the nightmare from last night made themselves known again.
If I didn't take Ant home if I let them take him away there was a good chance I would never see him again, however if I took him home I would end up having to restrain him as well as other things neither of us would like but at least it might keep him alive long enough to get him to come to senses.
"Declan?"
Alexandra's voice called out and I shook my head wiping my mouth as I spoke, "I-I'm o-ok I just n-need a m-moment..."
Alexandra sighed and I heard her lay the restraint down on the bed before her footsteps echoed in the room heading towards me as she spoke, "Look Declan, I know this is hard but it is necessary, Anthony is not thinking straight right now he's a danger to himself that's why I recommended a care facility. I know it would be hard not being with him but we could give you updates on his progress weekly and at least there you wouldn't have to be the one to do any kind of restraining on him, you could still continue on with your life..."
"C-Continue with my life?!"
My sadness and despair faded away in a second replaced by an overwhelming amount of anger, move on with my life?! How could she even say that?
Anth was a huge part of my life over half of it if I was being honest and the only thing that upset me more than the fact that we having to go through all this in the first place was the fact that everyone from the doctors to Alexandra to Amanda and even Anth himself thought that I could simply just "move on".
Were they insane?
Did they not understand?
There would be no "moving on" I needed Anth we needed each other and as my anger continued to build up I shoved the bin away getting to my feet and shaking all over as I stood in front of Alexandra.
"I guess it's easy for you to suggest that, suggest "moving on" you don't know us and you don't know what we have been through so it's easy for you to see Ant as replaceable or worse disposable...."
"D-Declan I...."
"No, I don't want to hear anything you have to say I've heard enough I'm tired of everyone telling me to simply "let him go" that's not how things work that's not how any friendship should work giving up when things get hard."
"As much as I hate the idea of doing this...of having to do all these things to keep him safe I will do it someway somehow because I'm not giving up on him, real friends don't give up; he needs me and I won't abandon him."
My voice cut out as I pause for breath still shaking clenching my fists as I fought to calm down I knew I would regret snapping later but right now all I could feel was rage and pain and frustration and hurt and before I could say anything else I picked the restraint up off the floor and gestured towards the bed.
"Let's get this over with.... I'm ready to get out of here and I know Anth is too...."
Alexandra sighed pinching the bridge of her nose she looked like she wanted to say something but one look from me silenced her and she stepped forward picking up the other restraint before she grabbed the dummy's arm bringing it out towards the side of the bed.
My stomach was still churning at the idea of doing this to Anth but I knew deep down that if this was what it took to keep him safe, this is what I would do; no matter how much it might hurt.
Keeping him alive would always come first.....
*******
Ant's POV
I sighed as I heard the door to my room open willing myself to be strong as I looked up to see Dec coming in accompanied by two nurses as well as the doctor and Alexandra from earlier, they must have brought him back in to say goodbye.
My throat closed over at that thought and I blinked away a few tears as Dec came closer, this was it this was the last time I was ever going to see him; the thought made the tears fall and I fought to get myself under control as the nurse came over undoing the restraints on my arms and legs allowing me to sit up in the bed for the first time in almost 48 hours.
I sighed as Dec took my hands carefully helping me to sit up and I felt another pain go through my chest as I remembered all the times he had always helped me up when I fell all the good times and bad, this was truly the last time he would ever touch me or see me.
I managed to sit up but was unwilling to let go of Dec's hands choosing to hold on to him as the doctor came over pushing a wheelchair with him.
"Alright Mr. Mcpartlin you need to sit in the chair so we can take you downstairs, you will be leaving with Mr. Donnelly today."
Dec nodded and went to help me up off the bed but I stiffened pulling back as I spoke, "B-but you s-said I needed to g-g-go to a care f-facility...."
I looked from the doctor to Dec not really understanding what was going on and after a few minutes Alexandra went to speak but Dec quickly cut her off.
"Y-yeah she did Anth b-but I thought maybe I-I could d-drive you.... g-give us a little more time together, is that alright?"
Dec's voice was shaky and unsure and as much as I wanted to tell him no one look at his tear-filled eyes had me nodding, who was I to deny him one last car ride? I could give him this much before I left him forever, I owed him this at least.
"T-thanks A-Anth.... l-let's get you in the chair o-ok?"
Dec managed a half smile blinking away even more tears than before and I sighed before I relaxed letting Dec help me to my feet and then wincing at the pain in my chest and limbs as the burns combined with stiffness made me blink back a few tears of my own as Dec carefully lowered me into the chair.
"Ok Mr. Donnelly you have everything you need as well as the.... directions.....we will see you both soon; good luck."
Dec nodded and one by one the doctors filed out each of them giving us both a look of sympathy before they vanished, "C-come on Anth...let's get out of here..."
Dec spoke and I nodded feeling even more guilty at the way his shoulders shook as he walked over to the nightstand grabbing the white paper bag the doctor had left behind before shoving it into a black bag slung across his shoulders, must be stuff they had asked him to bring with us.
"D-Decs.... w-wait...."
Dec paused on his way too stand behind me and push the chair crouching down as my hand caught his arm, he looked so pale and weak and scared and my chest ached the guilt growing even stronger as he placed his hands on my shoulders just as gently as always.
How could he always be so nice to me?
I certainly didn't deserve it and yet somehow Dec was still able to treat me with kindness, the thought made me feel even worse than before and I sighed before I shook my head "N-never mind...l-let's just go..."
Dec frowned but nodded squeezing my shoulder gently before he stood up and within seconds I found myself being wheeled out of the room and down the hall, I tried hard not to think about where we were going or about leaving Dec or about the pain I had put him through; all I wanted was for my brain to be silent...just for a few moments.
I leaned back against the chair as we stopped in front of the elevator my brain buzzing as the doors opened, I hoped the car ride wasn't long; the sooner we got to the facility the sooner Dec could be rid of me and after that maybe I could find a way to take myself out of the picture; permanently.
Dec was better off without me and this time when I left I would stay away exactly like I should have done in the first place.
Amanda's POV
"I don't know about this.... are you sure this is safe?"
"It's not like we have much of a choice though is it? Dec's the emergency contact we have to respect his choice whether we like it or not you know that Amanda."
I rolled my eyes crossing my arms as I turned away from Simon he had come down from Stephen's room less than an hour ago once I had called and told him they were releasing Ant and that Dec was taking him home.
I had hoped that Simon would be willing to try and talk some sense into Declan but all I had gotten was "respect his wishes"
I understood where Declan was coming from I really did but why did it have to be him who took care of Ant why couldn't he let a professional handle it? Why does he have to do this?
"Because it's Ant...."
I froze turning to face Simon as I blushed realizing I had unknowingly said that last sentence out loud, "S-Simon I...."
"I know, I know your worried but it's Ant; you saw him a couple of years ago Amanda we all did he loves Ant and if there's the slightest chance that Declan might be able to bring Anthony back to his senses to keep him with him, that's what he's going to do."
"We can't stop him and if we keep pushing him he won't even let us near him let alone listen to anything we have to say, all we can do now Is be there for him; let him know we support him and we have their backs."
"Besides.... with the way things are going; as much as I hate to say it.....he might not have a whole lot of time left with Ant; do you really want to be the one to deny him these last few days with his best mate?"
"N-no....."
I found myself fighting back tears at Simon's last words, he was right as much as we all hated to admit it, it looked like Ant and Stephen were about to no longer be a part of any of our lives and if we made Dec miss the last few days of Ant's life; he would never forgive us.
I dreaded to think what might happen if Dec took him home but the knowledge of what would happen if he didn't and something happened to Ant was more than I could bear, Dec would never forgive us for keeping them apart and worse than that he would never forgive himself either.
"Your right.....I-I just wish that maybe he would at least c-consider the fact he doesn't have to do it on his own."
"You make a good point, maybe we can try and convince him to let us help; at least you at any rate I think David and I might a bit busy for a while."
I raised my eyebrow at Simon as I leaned back against Dec's car, "What do you mean I thought you said Stephen was awake now?"
"Yeah I did but the psychologist I spoke too thinks it might be better if Stephen was at home with people he knows instead of here at the hospital with strangers, she said he just seems lonely and that being around us might help him heal quicker."
"So, they are just sending him home after he...."
"Not exactly she said he would need care and looking after not just because of his mental health but well, he had 2 heart attacks Amanda if you could see him...."
Simon paused and I was shocked to see a shudder run through him as he shook his head before continuing, "He's in no condition to be alone right now he couldn't even look after himself properly he's much too weak..."
"So, what are you going to do about it? Take him home with you? You know he would never agree to that."
Simon sighed nodding his head as he pinched the bridge of his nose, "well your right about that he freaked out earlier shouted something about wanting to stay here wanting us to leave him alone, they h-had to s-s-sedate him...."
Simon's voice broke and I felt my heart ache as I saw him turn away discreetly wiping tears from his eyes, "He won't c-come with us Amanda and I can't blame him, I just wish t-there was someway to convince him..."
I stepped forward placing a hand on Simon's back as I bit my lip lost in thought silence dominated the small parking lot for a minute and then we both looked up as the main door to the hospital opened and Dec walked out wheeling Ant along in a wheelchair as he approached the car.
We both winced at the sight of Ant covered in bandages and leaning back against the chair with his eyes closed as Dec walked on glancing down at him every now and then, a few days ago they had been just fine and now they both looked as if they had decades in the last few hours.
Simon stepped forward intending to speak to Dec but Dec simply shook his head not even bothering to pause as he trembled all over tears welling up in his eyes as he stopped in front of me holding his hands out for the keys to his car.
"H-here you go.... umm listen Dec can we talk for a minute?"
Dec's mouth pressed into a hard line and I backed up a few steps as he let out a long breath through his nose, "Let me get Anth in the car and we can talk...."
Simon and I both nodded looking down as Dec moved to the front of the chair shaking Ant's shoulder gently as he spoke.
"Hey Anth.... w-wake up pal.... w-we need to get you inside the car...."
Ant's eyes opened and Simon and I both stifled a gasp as we noticed the cold dead empty look inside them Ant didn't say anything to any of us he didn't even seem to know we were there he simply nodded before letting Dec take his hands pulling him to his feet.
Dec waited a few seconds letting Ant get his balance and as soon Ant had stopped swaying Dec wrapped and arm around his waist letting him lean against him as they walked together over to the passenger side of the car.
"The door is unlocked..."
Dec nodded at me not even bothering to respond further as he opened the door and slowly and carefully lowered Ant down into the seat pulling the safety belt over his chest and clicking it in at the same time Ant let out a whimper of pain.
"Your chest again?"
Ant nodded looking even more guilty than before and Dec sighed before he loosened the belt giving it some slack as Ant sighed in relief.
"I'm going to speak to Amanda and Simon really quick can you wait here?"
Ant bit his lip nodding softly and Dec gave him a quick hug before he stood up hesitating slightly, all three of us watched him curiously my heart going out to him as he slid the bag off his shoulders and placed it on the ground unzipping it as he bit down hard on his lip.
What was inside that bag?
Dec's POV
I took a deep breath as I opened the bag placing my hands inside and withdrawing the set of hand restraints Alexandra had given me, they were much less harsh than some of the other ones but I still knew Ant would not take this well.
I needed to talk to Simon and Amanda but I also needed Ant to stay safe and in order to do that I had to make sure there was no possible way he might end up hurting himself hence the need for the restraints.
I took another breath mentally preparing myself as I pulled the small glove like restraints out holding them up where Ant could finally see them.
"D-Deccy.... w-what..?"
His voice sounded weak and scared and I knew that he might never forgive me for what I was about to do but after the last few days he really hadn't left me too much of a choice.
"I'm s-sorry Anth...but it's for your own good...please don't make this h-harder than it has to be...."
I stood back up moving quickly but gently grabbing his left hand and sliding the glove on tightening the Velcro strap before he had a chance to react, the glove covered his hand from fingers to wrist and as long as it was on his hands were virtually useless which meant there was a very small chance he would actually manage to hurt himself or escape.
"N-no......n-no please..."
Ant started to beg tears running down his face as he brought his free hand up in attempt to undo the strap, I acted quickly grabbing his hand in my own forcing myself to be strong as I shoved the other glove onto his hand tightening the strap and pushing it down into his lap.
"I-I'm sorry Anth b-but it's for your own good.... I'll be right back just try and relax."
My voice was breaking all over the place now and I hurried to shut the door turning away as I fought hard not to break down, I could barely handle restraining his hands what would it be like if I had to restrain his arms and legs as well?
I shudder at the thought my heart breaking even more as Ant's cries came through the door and I turned to see him biting at the straps on the gloves doing his best to break free, Alexandra had reassured me they wouldn't open without me undoing them and I took a deep breath pulling myself together as I walked back around to the other side of the car.
The sooner we got this over with the sooner I get in the car and take the gloves off him I couldn't bear watching him cry like that much longer.
"W-what do you want?"
Amanda and Simon both remained quite the only sounds Ant's cries as he realized it was useless and he sat back in the seat crying softly as I waited on them to answer me growing more and more impatient by the second.
I waited a few more moments and just as I was about to turn away Amanda put a hand out grasping my shoulder as she spoke.
"Declan wait we just we wanted to ask if maybe you wanted some help? With Ant?"
I froze, that hadn't been what I was expecting....
"W-what kind of help?"
I looked from Amanda to Simon I didn't know what Kind of help they were offering but if it involved sending Ant away then my answer was no.
"Look Dec.... you might need someone to help you out someone to run to the store or help you take Ant to his appointments or even just sit with him when you need a break, if you wanted maybe w-we could come with you? Just until you get things under control?"
I bit my lip considering.... Amanda was right we would need a little help but the last time they had helped us things had ended up with Anth attempting to hurl himself off a roof...maybe this wasn't a good idea.
Maybe I could look after Anth on my own...maybe...
I cut off as Ant's cries stopped and I turned around to see him laying limp against the seat rubbing at his chest as he gasped for breath, I needed to get him home; now.
I pinched the bridge of my nose, "A-Alright you can come with us but I don't want you saying anything about sending him away in front of him and I need to go now he's already freaking out."
Amanda and Simon nodded and Simon gestured to his car as he spoke, "Ok Dec that seems reasonable go on ahead and take him we will follow you is that ok?"
I nodded absentmindedly not really caring what was said now as I walked over to the drivers door and opened it climbing in as I placed my hand on Ant's face.
"I-I'm here Anth...I'm here now deep breaths... just relax for me...."
I used my calmest voice possible but Ant simply shook his head crying harder as he brought his hands up to his mouth attempting to remove the gloves again.
I sighed grasping his wrists gently and lowering them down to his lap forcing him to look up at me as I spoke, "Look Anth I don't like putting restraints on you any more than you like being restrained but I can't have you running off or h-hurting yourself. I will remove them if you can promise me you won't run and won't harm yourself.....can you promise me Anth?"
Ant fell silent both of us looking at each other as he thought, what if he said yes? Could I still trust him?
Ant bit his lip looking from his gloved hands to the bandages on his arms and legs and then back to me, I put my hand under his chin lifting his eyes to meet mine searching deep inside them.
I could see how sad he was how hurt and lost he was, but I could also see hopelessness and uncertainty mixed with something that was close to love and kindness, overall Ant's eyes looked confused and when he didn't answer I sighed looking down at our still linked hands as I spoke.
"Look Anth here's what I'll do I'm going to take them off for now and as long as you don't run away or try to hurt yourself I'll keep them off. But the minute you try to hurt yourself or run away I'm putting them back on and they won't come off until I'm sure you won't try it again, does that sound fair?"
Ant bit his lip looking more upset than before but finally he nodded and I smiled softly as I carefully undid the straps sliding his hands out of the gloves one at a time laying them in the back before taking his hands in mine again.
"I'm not going to put anything on you but I need to check your arms Anth make sure I didn't hurt you ok?"
Ant nodded not even looking me in the eyes as I grasped his hands in mine again doing my best to ignore the tremors running through him as I checked his arms carefully making sure I hadn't left any marks or done him any harm.
Once I was satisfied I let go of his hands I half expected him to say something or even just look at me but Anth simply turned away cowering against the seat drawing his arms close to his chest as he stared at the window tears falling down his face as he slowly calmed down.
I sighed again starting the car and backing up heading out of the parking lot, I knew I had scared Anth restraining him like that but it had been for his own good and I couldn't help hoping that maybe his newfound fear of being restrained like that would make him behave.
Maybe if he was scared of being restrained again he would be much less likely to try and hurt himself or escape, I wasn't sure how he was going to react to coming home with me but I hoped I wouldn't have to do that to him again.
It had been horrible for me too I hated doing that to him forcing him like that knowing how much he hated being pinned down my heart didn't think it could go through it again but my head reminded me that the alternative was even worse. My head and my heart began to fight against each other and I picked my sunglasses up off the dashboard doing my best to hide my tears as I snuck a glance at Ant's side of the car.
He had been quite for almost five minutes now which given the way he was crying earlier was more than a little concerning, "A-Anth...you alright?"
I waited to watch the road and as I stopped at a traffic light I turned to face Ant my heart aching in my chest as I noticed that he had fallen right back asleep tears running down his face as he whimpered softly his arms still tucked in tight to his chest.
It had only been half an hour and we were both already in tears, how on earth was I supposed to handle this?
What would happen if I didn't? Would Alexandra take Ant away from me? Lock him up somewhere I would never see him again?
Or worse maybe she wouldn't even get the chance if Ant somehow got away from me.....
I shuddered at the thought as I continued on down the street, like it or not this was our lives now and if I ever wanted to have any hope of getting my best friend back I was going to have to do this; no matter how hard it might be.
A/N: Well everyone that's all for now and If you made it this far thank you so much for all the support 💜💜💜special thank you to daphreak and antanddecfangirl1992for your much needed and constant support these last few months you guys are amazing💜💜💜
Ok everyone as always until next time
Stay Safe💜💜💜💜💜
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