It's Christmas Eve morning now.
I can't stop staring at this photo of Jason that I keep in my wallet.
I can't help but to think what if we are done for good this time? What if he doesn't come back?
Travis texted me saying he had to tell me something, but after I answered he never texted me back. It's been an hour now. I have a feeling it's about Jason. It's eight in the morning. Drew and I landed here in my hometown at six.
My mom is cooking breakfast as Drew is sitting in the living room wrapped up in a blanket watching cartoons. He is so tired and so am I. I didn't sleep on the plane so I only got about two hours hours of sleep before the flight. Drew was on and off sleeping on the plane. I'm just sitting at the kitchen table. I already explained everything to my mom so I don't have to pretend to be happy around her.
"Has Travis called you yet?" She asked as she looked over at me. I shook my head. I slide the photo of Jason back into my wallet and shoved it into my purse. I need to stop. I opened my mouth to talk, but then my phone started to ring. I quickly grabbed it.
"It's Travis" I said quickly and answered it. "Hey"
"Hey Mack, can you talk now?" He asked me. He sounded relaxed and not worried like he did earlier.
"Yeah, did you get any information?" I asked him.
"Yeah actually. So I heard from Jason. I was the only person he answered" He started to tell me. My heart started to beat faster. I'm so nervous to hear what he is going to say next. "He called me about an hour ago and we were on the phone up until a few minutes ago. Yesterday morning he took one of our private jets to go to the New York house to clear his mind and be alone for a few days" he told me. I took a deep breath and relaxed a bit. At least I know now he is safe.
"Did he say he is coming back? Or anything about me?" I asked him. I heard him sigh. Oh no.
"He is going to come back. He was already talking about how much he misses Drew. We did talk about you, but it's stuff you guys are going to talk about. I don't feel right just repeating everything" he told me. I scoffed.
"How are we going to talk about it if he won't talk to me?" I asked getting annoyed. "Does he still think I cheated?"
"Mackenzie just give him time-" I cut him off.
"Give him time? I haven't talked to him in two days, Travis. I did nothing wrong" I said starting to feel myself getting worked up and wanting to cry again.
"I know you didn't. Just give him today okay? He promised me he would call you" He told me. I took another deep breath.
"Okay" I said back quietly. "Does he know I'm not home?"
"Yeah, I told him."
"Okay" I repeated. "Is he okay?" I asked.
"He will be. And you were right about him not taking his medicine. He said it's been two days since he took them" He told me and I groaned.
"Thank you for telling me, Trav" I said as I closed my eyes and leaned my head on my hand.
"You know I got you"
***
It's midnight now. I can't sleep, but that's no surprise. My mom and Drew are both asleep. I'm on the couch watching some tv on a low volume so hopefully I don't wake anyone up. I'm wide awake. I'm so stressed, so sad, angry, I'm feeling everything right now. I just way too many thoughts running through my mind that it is impossible to get any sleep. My mind won't stop.
My phone started to ring making me jump. Who is calling me this late? I looked down at my phone as I grabbed it and my eyes widened.
"Oh my god" I said quietly to myself. "Hi"
I answered. I don't know whether to be so fucking mad at him or just beg him to talk to me and tell what's going on.
"Merry Christmas" He said in a low tone.
"You too" I said back in the same tone. That's all he has to say to me? It went silent for a few more seconds.
"I shouldn't have yelled at you the way I did or said the things I did or shoved you the way I did" he said then sighed.
"No you shouldn't have" I said back. I'm staying calm though. If I have an attitude, he might hang up.
"I read your text and I- uh I believe you." That did not sound like he believes me. He sounded like he hesitated. "I just still don't think he should have been in our home. Why couldn't you guys talk outside?" He asked as he kept his voice calm like me.
"It felt kinda cold so I didn't want to stand out there. I wasn't thinking too much honestly. I at first thought maybe something was wrong at school with Drew and no one was telling us. The last thing I expected was him saying what he was saying" I told him honestly.
"Okay" he said quietly.
"I love you, Jason. I always have and I always will. I would never put myself in a position to lose you or hurt you or mess up what we have. If I didn't want to be with you or if I felt attracted to someone else, I would have left you before I did anything. You and I both say the same thing. You know this. I don't know how many times I have to prove myself to you, how many times I have to prove that I am madly in love with you. You treated me like shit the other night without even knowing the whole story. And yeah, I get it looked strange, but Chase and I had a big gap between us because I kept my distance and that you saw. God, Jason, I am so fucking in love with you. You are the only man I want for the rest of my life. Nothing ever could change my mind" I ranted to him.
I'm getting anxiety again. And a headache. I don't want to forgive him so fast, but it is always so hard to stay mad at him. I just take one look at him and all I want to do is love him. I can never stay mad at him long.
"I know I know" he said quietly and I heard him sigh. "I wasn't myself. I don't want to make excuses, but I really was not myself. I'm not going to lie, that morning I didn't take my usual medication and on top of that I was stressing over something with the gang so I was drinking with Travis" he tried to explain himself.
"Why didn't you take them?" I asked about his meds.
"I wanted to see if I could be okay without taking them. Clearly it makes me feel a little paranoid and my temper gets worse. I know now it was a bad idea and I guess I'll forever need them" he said sounding disappointed.
"Yeah" I said back in a low tone. It was quiet again for a good minute. "This is going to be Drew's first Christmas without you." I said, but almost regretted it after. I don't want to piss him off, but he needs to realize that Drew is going to be upset when he finds out his daddy isn't coming home for Christmas from his 'business trip'.
"I'm sorry" he mumbled.
"For which part?" I asked trying not to get annoyed. "For treating me the way you did, for just packing up and leaving, for not being here for Christmas?" I asked him. I need to make sure he knows he did multiple things wrong. I need an apology.
"Please stop" he quietly begged. "I know I was wrong" he said then I heard him take a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Angel. I really am sorry" he said and it sounded legit.
"Thank you" I wasn't sure what to say back.
"Travis told me you went to your moms?" He asked me.
"Yeah, I had all Drew's toys shipped here" I explained.
"Is Dylan there too?" He asked.
"He is flying in tomorrow morning" I told him. It went silent again. I wonder what he is thinking. I wonder if he is worried that I'm back here.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" I heard him say. "And I didn't just pack up and leave. I said goodbye to Drew and I told him I would be home in a few days. I just needed a few days to myself. You've done it so why couldn't I?" He said then I sighed.
"But you didn't even say anything to me. It scared me so bad. I wasn't sure if you'd come back-" he cut me off.
"Of course I would. What type of father or husband would I be if I did that?" He asked with hurt in his voice. It helped to know he wouldn't do that ever. I didn't say anything right away because I was trying to figure out what I could say. At this point I don't even know. "You know I love you both with everything in me."
"I know" I said back quietly.
"I know I have a lot of making up to do. And I know you aren't going to forgive me right away, but I'm going to try to make things right. I'm sorry, Angel. Ima let you sleep now if you want, I know it's late" He said to me in a sad tone. He sounds tired too.
"Yeah I'm getting tired" I said to him. And I wasn't lying. I'm actually getting tired now. I feel like I could actually get some sleep now that I have talk to him.
"Alright well goodnight"
"Goodnight Jason" I don't even know if I want to hung up. I love hearing his voice. But I'm still upset about everything. I need to go to sleep though. I know I'm going to have to wake up early to open presents with Drew.
"Wait" I heard him say quickly.
"I'm still here" I said back.
"I love you." He said making my heart feel slightly happy again. "I'm sorry if I pushed you away. I don't care if you don't give me anything you got me for Christmas. I just want you. I just need you."
"I love you too. Always" I said back to him.
"Goodnight, babe" he said then I heard him hang up. Wow. I laid back against the couch and just stared up at the ceiling. I'm glad I got to hear his voice and get answers on everything. He apologized a few times and knows where he was wrong. I wonder when he is going home and how it will be when we see each other.