Tenjo pressed play. Please, please let this work!
(shows an outside shot of Planet Vegeta with the sound of an infant crying being heard)
NARRATOR: Long ago, on a planet long forgotten by time...a young hero was born. A righteous Saiyan warrior who would bring peace to the galaxy. This...is not his story.
"Well, then who the heck is it about then?" Beerus asked. He didn't like not being in the know.
This is the story of another Saiyan warrior, who slaughtered millions of innocents and brought terror to those who heard his name. And that name is...
("Bardock: Father of Goku Abridged" appears on the screen)
"Wait, my dad!?" Goku thought, shocked. Vegeta was also shocked, The Saiyan combat scientist?!
(Cut to Bardock and his crew in their Ōzaru forms causing a rampage on Planet Kanassa with "Dare" by Stan Bush playing in the background. By morning, all of the Kanassans have been exterminated and shows everyone but Bardock laughing.)
The deities looked on in disgust, while the Universe 6 Saiyans were in shock. They'd massacred an entire planet and were laughing and joking with each other!
SHUGESH: And then I tell the guy, "Don't be angry, I'm just Saiyan!" (everyone but Bardock start laughing) And then I tore out his throat.
"Nice," Vegeta commented, smirking.
(silence)
TORRA: Hey, Bardock, heard you had another kid. Congrats. Who's the mom?
SHUGESH: I bet it's Fasha. I see the way you two look at each other.
Gine looked at Bardock curiously. "What? WHAT? You of all people know that Shugesh is a total moron." Bardock defended.
BARDOCK: Nah, it'd never work out between us.
TORRA: Why not?
BARDOCK: Are you kidding? She's a raging dyke.
"That too," Bardock said.
FASHA: I'm right here, you asshole!
Both BARDOCKS: And?
FASHA: God, this is why I hate men.
Both BARDOCKS: Point proven.
SHUGESH: So, uh, why did we attack this rock in the first place?
BARDOCK: I dunno. The mission briefing said this planet was full of psychics.
Bardock heaved a sigh. "Shit, the Kannasa mission."
TORRA: Wait a second. Doesn't that mean they can see the future? Don't you think they should have seen us coming?
"That's... actually a very good point," Tien observed.
BARDOCK: Just because they're psychic doesn't mean they're smart.
TORRA: But, aren't psychics supposed to have unbelievable mental--
(a surviving Kanassan warrior emerges from the rubble)
KANASSAN: I CAN SEE THE FUTUUUURE!
"Not a completely accurate representation but close enough. A bunch of total fucking morons." Bardock said.
SHUGESH: Hey, look! One survived.
"No shit." He replied.
KANASSAN: Oh no, they can see me! I have to stop you from destroying my race... in the futuuuure!
BARDOCK: We already did that.
KANASSAN: (silence) I knew you'd do that! Now I have to kill you! (rushes at Bardock and hits him in the back of the neck) Now you too can see the futuuuure! (gets blasted by Toma) WAH!
(camera pans over the burning Kanassan, a moment of silence)
"How does a race like that even survive to adulthood?" Tien asked no one in particular.
KANASSAN: I'M ON FIIIIIRE! (gets blown up by Bardock) AH!
TORRA: Well, that was...odd.
"Completely annoying and not making any sense would be more accurate but odd works too, I guess." King Kai added.
SHUGESH: Hey, Bardock. What do you think he meant about you seeing the future? Bardock? (Bardock collapses on the ground) Bardock? Bardock? Say nothing if you want me to eat the remains of that alien. (is heard making munching noises as the screen goes black)
A few of the audience recoiled in horror. Bulma gagged, Videl turned slightly green and Bardock was rubbing his head, trying to relieve the headache his old teammate was causing.
(cut to Freeza)
ZARBON: Lord Freeza, the reports are saying that Kanassa has been seized.
FREEZA: (sounding like an old hag) Thank you, Zarbon. That's very good to hea-- (starts coughing and then speaks in his normal voice) Ah, sorry about that. I had something in my throat. Continue, Zarbon.
ZARBON: The reports say that it was overtaken by a group of low-level Saiyans led by Bardock.
"Low-level fag? I was the strongest Saiyan on the planet. Some argue King Vegeta was stronger but he never actually fought his own battle's." Bardock murmured.
DODORIA: Yeah, that Bardock's a pretty cool guy.
"Still fucking hate you." He finished.
ZARBON: He conquers planets and doesn't afraid of anything.
FREEZA: Hmm... Doesn't afraid of anything, indeed...
(cut to Bardock inside a healing tank)
BARDOCK: (thinking) What...? What's going on? (sees Planet Vegeta exploding) Is...that my planet? (sees his son as an infant and then as a kid) Wait, who is...? Is that my son? Where is he? Hold on... Is he befriending that alien race? Oh, I get it. He must be earning their trust before he slaughters them all.
"He befriended her for real actually... and then the timeline veered badly off course," Tenjo stated.
(screen goes black) Wait...now everything's gone dark. Is...is it over? Am I...? (Mr Popo's face appears on the screen)
MR. POPO: Hi.
Everyone was startled a bit by the genie's entrance but recovered from it.
(Bardock lets out a muffled scream as the water in the healing tank drains down)
SCIENTIST: Bardock, are you all right? Your heart rate skyrocketed.
BARDOCK: *gasps* I'm okay! I'm okay. It's just...eyes. Where am I, anyway?
SCIENTIST: Well, you're on Freeza Planet 692.
BARDOCK: Man, you'd think with all his free time he'd come up with better names for his planets.
"What?" Gohan asked.
(cut to Freeza inside his ship)
ZARBON: So Lord Freeza. Now that we have Kanassa under our command, what shall we--
FREEZA: 419!
ZARBON: Right, right...
"Oh. that's kind of dumb and unimaginative." He finished. "Finally, someone said it," Vegeta responded.
(cut back to Bardock)
BARDOCK: Anyway, where's my team? Are they already on a new mission?
SCIENTIST: Yes, well, it seems that Freeza passed down a new mission just two hours ago. By the way, while you're here, would you like to see your son, Kakarrot?
BARDOCK: Kaka-wha? Oh right, his name. Nah. Think I'll pass. Didn't pay attention to Raditz when he was growing up.
SCIENTIST: Oh, yes, and we both know how he turned out.
"Yes, we do," Piccolo growled. Gine looked at him. "You've seen our other son?!" She asked. "Oh yeah. Just wait. You'll definitely see him." Gohan responded.
(Bardock pauses for a brief moment and then cuts to him standing in front of a nursery with Kakarrot crying inside.)
BARDOCK: Hey there, Kakarrot. It's your daddy! (thinking) Let's see what kind of power level we've got here... (scouter starts beeping) All right... Whoa...! 10,000! That's my boy! (sees name plaque) Wait...Broly? (shifts over to Kakarrot's plaque) Ah, here we go. (scans Kakarrot with his scouter) Kakarro-- (starts groaning in dismay) Two? Crap! (out loud) There is no possible way this day could get any more disappointing... (runs off)
A slap that could break diamonds rang out. Everyone looked over to Gine and Bardock. Gine began to berate him. "Oh because he's weak, that means he's automatically worthless to you?!" She continued to strike him and he sat there, taking it. "What you're born as doesn't determine what you'll be. I can sense his power and it's a hell of a lot over 2!" She finished slapping him and sat down, fuming.
(cut to another planet with Borgos getting killed)
Bardock sighed. He was gonna have to watch it.
TORRA: Bardock's going to be so disappointed.
"I'm not. I should have trained you better." He thought.
DODORIA: I think Bardock is the least of your concerns.
TORRA: Why? I don't understand. We've served Freeza loyally. (Dodoria picks him up)
DODORIA: Seems Freeza wants you dirty Saiyans out of the picture... And I'm just willing enough to oblige him.
TORRA: Don't you get it? Chances are someday he's just going to kill you, too.
DODORIA: Yeah, well, see... I'm more of an "in-the-now" kinda guy. Like, what am I gonna eat now? What am I gonna kill now? And in this regard, you're probably gonna be both.
TORRA: You... You won't get away with this.
DODORIA: Oh, yeah? Well, tell me something... What looks like crap, feels like crap, and isn't ain't gonna wake up in the morning?
TORRA: Is... Is it me?
DODORIA: And that's the punchline.
(Dodoria throws Torra in the air and punches him in the jaw before cutting to Bardock arriving at the planet)
Bardock closed his eyes and grimaced at his friend's pain.
BARDOCK: (sees multiple corpses of the planet's inhabitants) Whoa, looks like I'm late to the party. Where's the gang-- (sees the corpses of his crew) Oh... Oh. Oh, God! Guys... Tell me you're just resting in the blood of your enemies! Fasha... Borgos... Shugesh? Torra?
TORRA: (weakly and coughs a few times) P-present...
BARDOCK: Torra! Oh, thank God Torra, you're okay. I'll be honest, you're the only one I really cared about. Everyone else was kinda bland. 'Cept for Fasha, she was the only one here with a decent pair of t--
"Hey!" Chichi interrupted. "Oh shut up. I mean unless you have a problem with how I've lived for the past 80 years?" He responded, a silent challenge. Chichi huffed and turned back around.
TORRA: Bardock...listen. Freeza's...turned on us. He's afraid of the Saiyans. He sent someone to...to take us out.
BARDOCK: (terrified) Oh, God! He sent the Ginyu Force?!
TORRA: No...
BARDOCK: (less terrified) Zarbon?
TORRA: No...
BARDOCK: (disappointed) Dodoria?
TORRA: Sorry...
"You don't have to be." Bardock thought mournfully.
BARDOCK: Listen, it won't end like this! We're not too far from a healing planet. We're gonna get you fixed up. We'll get you better, we'll warn everyone else, and then we'll-- (Torra closes his eyes and dies) (thinking) I just watched my best friend die in my arms, didn't I? Yep... Yeeep...(removes Torra's handkerchief and cleans the blood off his fallen comrade's face) All right, Plan B. Don't worry, my friends. You shall all be avenged! (clutches Torra's handkerchief, which starts turning red with Torra's blood) If Freeza's afraid of us, I'm gonna give him something to be afraid of. (starts tying the bloody handkerchief on his forehead)
Gine let out a silent 'ah' at the scene. She had always been curious as to why he was so territorial about a simple handkerchief. Now it made sense
Then I'll know why I'm still alive... And I'm gonna rain hot vengeance down upon every single one of those sons of bi--
(Eachpe fires a bunch of ki blasts at Bardock)
EACHPE: All right guys, let's hit the show-- (scouter beeps as Bardock appears above him) Tell my brother, Appule, I love him! (Bardock hits him hard on the skull) Aaah... (starts falling to the ground)
"Good god, I hope that bloodline died out." Bardock groaned. "Well I killed Appule on Namek so..." Vegeta trailed off. Bardock gave him a thumbs up.
MANGO: Eachpe, no! (he and his comrades fire a ki blast at Bardock, who vanishes before all three blasts connects) Where the hell is he?
LEMI: Keep sharp! These Saiyans can pull off all kinds of tricks! You have to be very careful--
MANGO: Got him! (fires a ki blast through the smoke, accidentally shooting down his teammate) Pierre, no! You dirty monkey!
LEMI: You're the one who killed him, you ass!
"Exactly!" Goten added.
MANGO: Oh, gee Lemi, I never thought of it like tha-- Shut the f**k up! (both of them start charging at Bardock)
BARDOCK: (thinking) Man, I can't believe they lost to these guys! What a bunch of-- (starts having another vision) Oh, sweet crap, not again!
KAKARROT (GOKU): (through vision) Kaio-ken!
"You started getting visions randomly?" Beerus asked. "Yeah, it was a pain in the ass," Bardock responded.
BARDOCK: Kaio-wha-- (gets kneed in the face) Ugh!
(Lemi grabs Bardock from behind as Mango proceeds to punch him in the stomach. Bardock starts having another vision.)
BARDOCK: (through vision) For years, you've kept us under your foot...
BARDOCK: (thinking as he's getting pummeled in reality) What? Is that me? That's it!
MANGO: NOW, DIE!
(Bardock manages to flip over, causing Lemi to get in the way of the attack)
LEMI: What the f-- (gets punched in the back by Mango, coughing up blood) Gah! (Badrock breaks free and fires a ki blast) Goddamn it, Mango, you team-killing f**ktard! (both he and Mango scream as they get disintegrated by the blast)
A few people politely applauded.
BARDOCK: (thinking) I understand what I have to do now. I'm going to raise an army. We're going to rebel against Freeza. And nothing is going to stop me. (scouter starts beeping) What the--? (turns to see Dodoria charging up a mouth beam) (out loud) USELESS-ASS PSYCHIC POWERS! (screams as he gets engulfed by the blast)
"Oh yes. Only then did I realise why the Kanassans lost to us." Bardock nodded, remembering how painful that was.
DODORIA: (singing "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen)
♪Do-do-do, another one bites the dust♪
♪Dodo-do-do-do, another one bites the dust♪
♪And another one gone, and another one gone♪ (flies off)
♪Another one bites the dust♪
♪Hey, I'm gonna get you too♪
♪Another one bites the dust...♪
BARDOCK: (muffled while under his teammates' bodies) Oh, God! It's true! You really do soil yourself when you die! Ah, it's everywhere! It's in my Dodoria wounds! (frees himself from under the pile and starts coughing) Oh, well, uh, later guys. Off to raise that army. Vengeance... Yada, yada...
"You sound so monotone," Cabba observed. "I lost a lot of teams, that one was the one I was with the longest, Torra being someone I had known since training. I got used to death as it was my job. Still hurt a lot to see them go but there was nothing I could do about it." Bardock replied.
(cut to Kakarrot inside a space pod)
OPERATOR 1: All right, little guy. Time to send you to planet "Ee-arth."
OPERATOR 2: I think it's pronounced "Earth."
OPERATOR 1: That sounds stupid.
OPERATOR 2: You're stupid!
"Who were those 2 morons?" Vegeta asked. "Nache and Beano. They owed me a lot of favours so I called them all in to get them to disobey Frieza's orders and send the kid to this planet." Gine, shocked, turned to him. "You saved him?" "Of course. Be it 2 or 2000, he's still my kid, I'm still gonna take care of him." Bardock responded. Gine said nothing but turned back to the screen with a little smile on her face.
(cut to Freeza's ship)
FREEZA: So... how did the mission go?
DODORIA: Complete Annihilation.
"Of my team. You're gonna have to do a lot more than a half-assed beam to kill me." Bardock smirked.
ZARBON: Where are your men?
DODORIA: Complete Annihilation.
"Soooo what? That doesn't explain anything. Did you kill your own men or what?" Videl questioned.
FREEZA: So, you're absolutely sure you killed every single living thing on that planet?
DODORIA: Complete (pause for effect while switching between faces) Annihilation.
(Bardock's space pod is seen flying by Freeza's ship)
"Surprise motherfucker!" Gine finished with a giggle.
ZARBON: So, "Complete Annihilation," huh?
DODORIA: (stammers a few times before speaking) I'm sorry, Lord Freeza. I'll go take care of it right away.
FREEZA: Oh, forget about it. He's already on a direct course for Planet S.O.L.
ZARBON: Planet what?
FREEZA: (groans) Planet...
(cut to Bardock)
BARDOCK: (thinking) Vegeta! I've gotta warn King Vegeta.
"Shit Outta Luck. If anyone's wondering, that's what SOL stands for." Tenjo added. "Accurate," Bardock replied.
(cut to a bar with many Saiyans socializing as George Thorgood's "Bad to the Bone" plays on a radio)
BARDOCK: (enters inside from a door) You guys! Freeza's going to... (hit a table) Augh! (falls to the ground) Who put that table there?
SAIYAN 1: Dude, Bardock, are you wasted?
BARDOCK: Nooo. But my crew is...
"Quite blunt," Tien said.
SAIYAN 2: You smell like poo!
BARDOCK: Listen to me! We don't have much time. Freeza's on his way here and he plans to kill us all! We have to raise an army and--
SAIYAN 3: You're mom's an army! (Saiyan crowd starts laughing)
"Utter morons," Vegeta said, wincing.
BARDOCK: What are you, stupid?! Do you--
SAIYAN 4: Your face is stupid! (Saiyan crowd starts laughing again)
BARDOCK: Augh! Do you idiots even get it? Freeza's about to commit genocide on our entire race!
(short pause)
SAIYAN 5: Cool story, bro! (Saiyan crowd starts laughing once more)
"They deserve what happened to them, living in ignorance brings nothing but death," Shin said.
BARDOCK: You know what? F**k it! I'm done! I hope you all die and go to hell! (runs off)
SAIYAN 6: Wow, that guy's a douche.
BARDOCK: (thinking) Screw those thick bastards! I don't need an army. I took on those elites easily, I can take on this giant white and purple dildo!
Vegeta, Gine, Gohan, Bulma, and Beerus all burst out laughing. Whis and Shin snickered quietly and the kids looked around confused.
Freeza must be stopped...no matter the cost!
"You told me you fought Frieza's army. You never mentioned anything about attacking his personal ship." Gine muttered. "Did you actually..." She trailed off, afraid of the answer.
("Death Valley" by Fall Out Boy starts playing as Bardock flies off towards Freeza's ship)
ZARBON: Lord Freeza, Bardock is approaching from the planet--
FREEZA: Waves of Freeza-soldiers...
(multiple Freeza soldiers start flying down from the ship)
DODORIA: It's raining men!
ZARBON: Hallelujah!
BARDOCK: FREEZA!
"You fought his entire personal guard regiment!?" Gine exclaimed. Bardock turned to her. "It was the only course of action left to me at that point. And besides, they were all pansies." Bardock replied. "Pansies maybe, but pansies with an average power level of 17-18 thousand!!" Gine strained.
"If I may interject. On his way back from the planet his team was killed on, he was healing from the attack Dodoria carried out on him, and as such received a zenkai boost. His power level when he fought the regiment is estimated to be 20 thousand. High for a Saiyan but ultimately not enough to stop Frieza." Tenjo explained.
(soldiers simultaneously fire a ki blast at Bardock)
SOLDIER 1: Yeah, take that-- (Bardock rushes forward and elbows him in the face)
BARDOCK: FREEZA!
(Bardock flies through the multiple soldiers, killing a few of them in the process)
BARDOCK: FREEZA! (gets dogpiled by multiple soldiers) FREEZA!
SOLDIER 2: Ah, yo, Bardock, I'm really happy for you and I'ma let you finish, but--
(Bardock launches a blast to free himself and continues flying forward, ramming through multiple soldiers. It then shows the onslaught through a monitor at Freeza's ship.)
ZARBON: Sir, I think he wishes to have words.
"Oh really? What tipped you off?" Elder kai asked.
FREEZA: Oh, whatever gave you that impression?
ZARBON: Well, he does keep on shouting your name.
BARDOCK: (over the speaker) FREEZA!
FREEZA: Just get my freaking bubble car.
ZARBON: Too bad. That Bardock was such a dashing rogue...
DODORIA: What?
"Fat chance fag. If I can find you, you're gonna be my new punching bag." Bardock growled.
(Freeza emerges from inside his ship on his bubble car, which makes a Jetsons mobile sound effect)
The children giggled at the vehicle's ridiculous sound effect.
BARDOCK: There you are, Freeza! I've been looking for you.
FREEZA: Well, I'm not exactly hard to find!
BARDOCK: We've had enough of this! We're done working for you, Freeza!
SOLDIER 3: (off-screen) Uh, just so you know, that man does not speak for us!
BARDOCK: We're here to kill you, and take our planet for our own!
SOLDIER 3: (off-screen) Seriously, we're not with him!
BARDOCK: For years, you've kept us under your foot... (continues speaking inaudibly under Freeza's thoughts)
"Wait what's going on?" Bardock asked.
FREEZA: (thinking) Oh, lord, these heroic types with their speeches. "Blah, blah, blah, injustices. Blah, blah, blah, tyranny. Blah, blah, blah, Freeza, stop killing me!" God, does he have any idea how hard it is to run an empire? I've got other things to do today, you know... Like, decide what wine will I have for dinner tonight. White wine, red wine, or dare I say...rosé? Oh, perhaps I should give Cooler a call; his birthday's coming up. Nah, he's a prick. Wait a second, where was I? Oh right, mass genocide. (starts charging a Supernova)
"Motherfucker drowned out my entire speech!" He yelled.
BARDOCK: ...end your miserable life, once and for all! (starts charging up a Spirit Cannon) Now... Take this, Freeza! The power of the Saiyan race! (hurls his blast at Freeza) Hyah!
(Bardock's blast is seen flying towards Freeza and his growing Supernova and gets swallowed by the tyrant's blast. Freeza starts laughing madly and fires his now-massive Supernova directly at Planet Vegeta.)
BARDOCK: (thinking) Well, I'd say I should have seen this coming, but that would be ironic...
(Bardock gets engulfed by Freeza's Supernova, with many pieces of his armour falling off)
BARDOCK: (thinking) I see it... My son. He... He's facing Freeza! He's gonna do it! He's going to avenge our people! But, wait... Wait, there's more... He fights...a giant green bug...man. And then a...giant...pink...man-child. Hmm.
Gohan flinched at the mention of HIM. Bardock raised an eyebrow at the adventures his son has had.
BARDOCK: (thinking) And I now welcome the sweet embrace of death... (Supernova falls and collides with Planet Vegeta)
(cut to Cooler in his spaceship)
SAUZA: Monsieur Cooler! It seems that your brother is destroying ze Planet Vegeta!
COOLER: Very impressive, killing off a bunch of monkeys. Any liquored-up hillbilly with a shotgun could have done that at the zoo...
SAUZA: Wait, sir! It seems he has missed one ship. We are within range to intercept--
COOLER: No, let it go.
SAUZA: But, why?
COOLER: Because if he's going to whine to our father for control over the entire system like a spoiled little brat, then he's going to accept the responsibility. If this comes back to bite him, that's his fault.
"Hmm. You can always count on a member of that race to be a complete arsehole." Elder Kai said.
(cut to Planet Vegeta getting destroyed)
NARRATOR: And so, Planet Vegeta was destroyed, along with all its inhabitants. Save a lone Saiyan child...and his brother...and a space pirate...and a renegade monster and his father...and, of course, Prince...
(cut to kid Vegeta and Nappa)
NAPPA: Vegeta!
"Oh... No." Vegeta gasped, his toned haunted." No, no god please no, Not him, No, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
VEGETA: What is it, Nappa?
NAPPA: Well, I've got good news...and bad news. The bad news is...reports say our entire planet has been destroyed by a gigantic meteorite along with all its inhabitants.
VEGETA: Aah... But, what about--
NAPPA: Aaand your father.
VEGETA: My whole family...! My race!
NAPPA: But the good news is, we're going to Dairy Queen!
"Hah, still a complete moron." Bardock winced.
VEGETA: My entire race is go--
NAPPA: DAIRY QUEEN!
VEGETA: Just take me to the damn queen, Nappa.
NAPPA: Yaaaay! This seems the beginning of a beauuuutiful friendship...
"NO. NO, IT ABSOLUTELY WAS NOT." Vegeta said forcefully.
Tenjo clicked next on the remote.
(A/N Hope you enjoyed it. Comment on what you liked and on what you think I need to improve on.)