Third person pov
His fault, his fault, his fault, his fault.
Tsukauchi sits across from him, looking haggard. There are exhausted bags under his eyes and a notable slouch in his usually-straightened posture. Dabi hardly comprehends, the words repeating in his head nonstop. They've been a constant since his time in the hospital. He hadn't seen Harper since then. Not because she hadn't tried to see him, but because he didn't deserve to.
"Dabi, you have to stop blaming yourself. Everyone knows it wasn't your fault." Tsukauchi's voice was soft, accentuated by the faint sound of Sansa humming somewhere in the background. They'd brought him back to the apartment a few days ago, but he wasn't coping the way they'd hoped. How could he be? He'd just killed a kid. Harper's best friend was dead and it was all Dabi's fault, and he didn't know what to do. He could barely think. He didn't feel like he deserved to eat, or drink, or even exist. He was a piece of shit. He was just some second-rate thug Harper had decided to pick up on a whim, and now look what he'd done. He'd wrecked her life. He'd ended Kirishima's. "You know Harper texts all the time and asks about you. She wants to see and talk to you."
Harper had saved him. She had seen him at his worst, realized he needed help, and had given him far more than he deserved. She had put her trust in him almost immediately, getting him a job as her bodyguard. Dabi got a taste of what it was like to have a family again.
He'd vowed that he wasn't going to fuck up this time. He'd poured everything into his time here, and had watched Harper grow as a person and connect with other kids her own age. She was a brilliant kid and he admired her for that, and she cared about him. He cared about her too, and never had he wanted to hurt her.
But he had. He'd never seen her so stricken before. The distant look of horror and disbelief in her eyes had made her look almost vacant, and the guilt that had poured out in her tears had wrenched at him. Because it wasn't her fault, it was his. He hadn't been watching and Kirishima had, and he'd selflessly shoved Dabi out of the way.
He'd never seen Harper so hurt. He thinks the worst part was her distant acceptance of his death. The horrifying realization that she'd not only seen him die, but had heard his thoughts go out like a dying lightbulb as well. There was no room for bargaining after witnessing-- after feeling-- such a thing. No room for denying, especially not from someone as rational-minded as she was.
"I was the one that was supposed to get hit." Dabi croaked out, tone damn near venomous. Self-hatred swirled in the pit of his stomach like a maelstrom, his heart thundering. He felt sick. He felt worthless. He was the one who was supposed to be dead. Kirishima was supposed to be here, not him. "He's not supposed to be dead. I am! Me!"
Tsukauchi frowned at him, seeming to internally weigh his options a bit. This situation was delicate and it was still so early. So early that it hurt. Tsukauchi hadn't been as close to Kirishima as Harper was, but the kid had still been a present part in all their lives, and having him pass away so tragically hit him hard.
He was keeping it together well, but his concern for Harper, Dabi, and even Kurogiri continued to grow as the days ticked by. Harper would hardly talk about how she was coping. He'd talked to her on the phone and asked if she'd opened up about how she was feeling to anyone, to which she'd gone quiet and told him yes. That a close friend had reached out. It was reassuring, but he still worried like any kinda-parent might.
"Harper's doing better. She's opened up to her classmates and they've really opened their arms to her." The Detective spoke as Dabi's chest heaved, tears stinging their way out of his eyes for not the first time. His emotions had been overwhelmingly tumultuous since the day of the Kamino incident. Dabi had become a husk, and Tsukauchi had no idea where to even begin fixing that. He kept his tone soft and considering. "She's still struggling with guilt of her own and grief, but she doesn't blame you, Dabi. It wasn't your fault. Kirishima chose to save you. If he had been about to get hit and you noticed, I'm sure you would've done the same. It's... It's awful, but we can't change it. He wouldn't want you to fall like this."
Dabi grit his teeth. He knew Harper didn't blame him, but that wasn't because it wasn't his fault. It was because she was selfless and put everyone above herself. It was because because Kirishima had been the same. They'd been two peas in a fucking pod and he had ruined that. Harper was still all tied up in knots now, falling into a pit he'd thrown her into.
He heard Tsukauchi and the Drunk Cat talking when they thought he wasn't listening, about how she was crying more often, zoning out in class, failing to fall asleep as often as she used to be able to. She was struggling, Aizawa had sighed over the phone, but still trying to pretend like she wasn't. Fuck. Everything Dabi touched burned; it was only inevitable that the same would happen here.
"I've got a solution." Sansa said, appearing from wherever the fuck he was before. Dabi glared at him, wiping at his eyes and taking in a deep, shuddering breath. Solution? There was no solution to this shit. He'd fucked up! He didn't deserve to be here. Harper was battling not to lose herself to grief, and all because he'd ripped a vital and cherished part of her life away from her. "Bro, let's just take him to Harper. They can hug it out."
Dabi froze, breaths halting. He gave Tsukauchi a hard, desolate stare. As though daring him to degree to such a shit plan.
"That's a horrible idea." Tsukauchi frowned, sounding genuine as he said it. Only then he turned to Dabi and made that considering expression that crossed his face anytime he dared to indulge Sansa. The scarred man felt his heart sink. He was the last person Harper needed to see right now. She had to hate him on some level. Even if she said she didn't blame him, what had he done so far? He'd been refusing to talk to her, had left her to grieve without offering any reassurance. "Think we can get him down the stairs without him fighting?"
"No." Sansa downed the rest of whatever was in his mug. Definitely not coffee, that's for sure. He chucked the cup over his shoulder when he was done with it, smiling pleasantly at Dabi as it shattered somewhere behind him. Tsukauchi was too tired to scold him for it. The apartment looked like a landfill anyway. "I'll get the legs."
Dabi, cursing himself for not eating the past two days, hardly had the strength to physically resist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Had she been in a perpetual state of shock before or was Inasa just that good at dragging her emotions out of her? Harper really didn't know and at this point in the game, she guessed she really didn't care. It's not like it mattered.
This was the way things were no matter how she decided she wanted to label them. And it sucked and was total ass, but she was going to have to start coping sometime. Harper was allowed to be upset, but if she was going to run herself into the ground whilst doing so, she could how they might have an issue. It was just... hard. Unfathomably hard. Harper never thought this was something she'd have to go through again and yet here she was, feeling impossibly hollowed out.
Kirishima's absence made Harper feel almost violently ill when she thought too hard about it. Her brain could hardly comprehend the thought of a world without him. How could he just... not be here anymore?
It seemed like just yesterday he was beaming a grin at her and cracking stupid jokes. Calling people and things and situations 'manly' at his own discretion and making friends with anyone or anything that breathed in his vicinity. She understood death-- perhaps better than most her age-- but this was just... it was hitting her differently. In a place Eric hadn't.
Talking to Inasa again was like a smack to the face. Some part of herself had gone into hiding the day Kirishima had died, and it was the same thing that had gone into hiding the day Eric died, too. Just like last time, Inasa was able to pull it back out of her. Kicking and screaming, maybe, but he dragged it into the light nonetheless.
It was as though her sense of self-awareness had woken up, and her logic had kicked itself back into full gear. Harper felt like finally she was able to regain control over herself and her emotions. It was a feeling she relished in more than anything. Things snapped back into place, and ever if she knew they'd probably drift away from her again, having it ever for just a moment was enough right now.
The relief that came with finally being able to cry out her grief was insane. She knew the sadness would be back tenfold later, but the fact that she could get rid of any of it at all was valuable in and of itself. Count on Inasa to pull through for her. Something between them had always resonated-- something that had been formed the day they decided to wander down into that Church's basement.
It was familiar and just as strong as it had been back then. Inasa understood. He understood better than anyone, and just knowing she wasn't alone in that regard was enough right now. No matter how much time had passed, Inasa was a rock she could beach herself on if she needed a break from swimming. Harper was thankful for it, and she hoped he knew that.
Kirishima had told her to open up. He'd wanted her to count on someone, and Harper liked to think he'd be relieved to see her expressing her emotions. Bottling them up was going to get her on a hyperlink train straight to shitsfuckedville in record time. Kirishima and Inasa were both indisputably correct-- she couldn't let herself sink back into that same, unreachable pit she'd fallen into before.
She had too many people in her life now. They were counting on her to keep her head up. If they could do it, Harper was going to have to buck the fuck up and do the same. Besides, Sero would definitely make fun of her if she didn't, and she didn't want him to have the satisfaction.
Inasa had promised to stay in contact, and Harper had done the same. He'd insisted she give him regular updates and that she didn't let herself slip away. Harper pretended to be exasperated, but both of them knew she was faking it to cover how much this helped.
Harper had been reluctant to burden him with her overwhelming depression and numerous other issues, but she knew he'd just smile and force his way into her life anyway. It reminded her of Kirishima in a way. She was sure the redhead would be proud at her for opening up fully and reconnecting with someone she cared about.
The past few days had been full of a lot of tears on her end, to be honest. Harper knows she'd said she was out of them and done crying, but she wasn't much able to help herself to be honest. Shit sucked and made her headaches go from bad to worse, but at least she seemed to have gotten through her little emotional fest.
This situation was very much a 'take it a day at a time' sort of deal, and everyone in 1-A found themselves struggling in different ways and at different times. At least Kaminari was doing better. Though Sero was crass and a lot darker than the electric blonde had previously known him to be, he honestly didn't seem to mind all that much.
"This is fucking stupid. Why the fuck do I have to sit out? My quirk is fine!" Katsuki growled, looking like he was about to kill someone in cold blood. Harper was sat next to him out on a bench, Kurogiri on her other side and Sero pacing like a caged tiger in front of them. Why he was restless, Harper had no clue and honestly didn't give a shit. When wasn't he stressing out over something? "All these extras get to work on their goddamn special moves and here I am, fucking benched! I can hardly see that damned, adorable, attractive, annoying Deku from here. Fuck! I swear to god our eyebags teacher knows what he's fucking doing!"
"Huh. I don't know. Maybe it has something to due with the fact that you're missing your fucking foot." Harper's head hurt a bit too much to deal with Bakugo's bitching. The brunette had also come to learn very quickly that with everyone treating Katsuki like he was made of glass due to his injury and the kidnapping he went through, the only was he was going to stay sane was if Harper treated him as normally and brusquely as possible. "And before you say some smart shit about how your explosions don't come out of your feet, stop and think. Do I look stupid? Do I sound stupid? Because if not, then keep your lackluster arguments to yourself."
It was rude. Insanely rude, actually, but Katsuki sort of operates on that plain of existence. He just shot her a sharp glare, huffy about the fact that she was literally right. Recovery Girl had healed his stump for the most part, but they still had to wait to get him fitted for a prosthetic that would withstand the heavy duty action he was going to be putting it through as a hero student. It would have to be durable, and it couldn't slip off on a whim when he was flipping through the air either. It also had to absorb impact and be comfortable enough not to fuck up his entire leg.
Harper still felt a fair amount of guilt when she thought too hard about what Katsuki was going through, and what he would have to continue to go through moving forward. She didn't let it show on her face. Last time she had-- in the midst of a small mental breakdown (thanks, Inasa. For opening up those floodgates. Healthy, sure, but ugh)-- he'd grabbed her by the shoulders and gone into a longwinded rant about how she was a fucking idiot for blaming herself, and how hand fucker probably would've gone for his throat whether she was there or not anyway, and such along those lines. Either way, Harper wouldn't risk giving the topic another poke even if it was with a ten foot pole.
"So fucking annoying. So loud. Why do you have to complain all the time? Are you some sort of child?" Sero hissed out, eyes darting over to Katsuki before they shot back to where the rest of the class was training. He was having some sort of paranoid breakdown along that travelled somewhere along the lines of 'everyone is out to kill me, they all hate me, and I don't belong here'. He'd probably snap out of it eventually. "He's giving me a headache. How many times has he bitched about being on the bench? At least he can use his quirk. At least the people here care about him!"
Harper stared straight ahead, wishing she were catatonic so she didn't have to maintain mental presence in this group of absolute assfucks. She isn't paid enough for this. She should've lied and said she did want to train or something. Maybe shoved some anger into Midoriya just to see what would happen.
That could be fun, right? Maybe some cheer into Todoroki? Harper wasn't super sure she could effectively isolate emotion to shove into people, but Kurogiri sure seemed to feel things, so it had to be possible to some degree.
"It's better than your dumbass muttering about how people are going to fucking kill you. You think people actually care about you that much, you bastard? They don't notice you anymore than they notice mist bitch over here." Katsuki growled out. How Harper had kept him from decking Sero in the face was beyond her. Maybe he was just adjusting. Harshly, but you know. "He's calling me annoying? He's the one walking back and forth like a hamster stuck in its own goddamn tunnel!"
"I am not a female dog!" Kurogiri gasped, mist flaring to life. Which was still not allowed in any capacity on school property, but Harper has given up. If only Kirishima were here to smile and mediate. Or drag her off and away from this madness. Harper leaned back as Kurogiri leaned over her, yellow eyes piercing into Bakugo harshly. Katsuki met him tenfold with bared teeth and a nasty glare. "In fact, you are a fuckface!"
"What the fuck?! Say that again, see what happens!" Bakugo's voice shrieked, nearly shattering her eardrums with its volume. The brunette let out a groan that reverberated in the base of her throat. Which was a mistake, because Kurogiri's rage towards Katsuki immediately vanished, concern taking its place tenfold. He stared down at her in absolute horror, as thought this was it for her. Like she was dying right before his very eyes. "What the hell?! Is he ignoring me?!"
Harper didn't bother trying to sort through what was happening. Instead she zeroed in on her out. There, across the gym, was Iida. Someone she'd been trying to corner for days now. His ability to dodge her despite her being able to literally read minds was immensely impressive.
She attributed it to his amazing acting skills to a degree, but that was besides the point. This was her chance. She could kill two birds with one stone. Harper had to talk to him. He'd been spiraling ever since he found out and it was dangerous enough that Harper no longer felt comfortable leaving him to process on his own.
Realistically, she should've told him from the start. Or at least after his attempt. He was trustworthy and knew better than anyone how to keep a secret. She's certain he wouldn't have told, but after what happened, he'd shown such steep improvement.
His parents and brother were made aware of his condition and were there to reassure him at every turn, and Harper hadn't wanted to topple that delicate tower. So, she'd left him to his own devices. Being around her had brought shame, remorse, and bouts of guilt that he wasn't ready to process. Harper had felt it was best to back off. That wasn't going to work anymore.
"Try not to kill each other." Harper popped to her feet, heat pounding. Iida was at the water station, right by the door. The rigorous standard he held himself to would prevent him from leaving the gym, and he wouldn't be able to make it back to the designated training area before she got there. Not without using his quirk, but Harper was confident she could get Mr. Aizawa to stop him in his tracks. This was her in. It getting her away from Kurogiri's worry, Amputee Of The Year Award and Demented Tape Dispenser was just a bonus in her eyes.
Sero looked incredibly panicked to see Harper leaving, and he felt it too. Harper was sort of trying the sink or swim method with him. She couldn't coddle him all the time, and Harper had a sneaking suspicion he'd eventually acclimate if she left him be a bit. Sure, she wasn't going to completely abandon him. She was just letting him figure things out and adjust, that's all.
Fuck, it sounded bad when she said it like that. Kirishima would understand. Harper wished he was here. She was hit by the sudden urge to cry again, but Iida had just spotted her coming in like an agent of death and was speed walking back towards the training area. If Kirishima were here, he'd tell her to cry later.
"Harper Rye!" Kurogiri cried out, jolting to his feet in alarm as she took off running. Harper fucking hates sprinting. She's fast enough, but her endurance is shit and she feels like she's about to go into cardiac arrest every time she's in strenuous motion for more than ten seconds. Drawbacks of always being tired and thus always laying around like a corpse. Tenya seemed alarmed by the increase in speed, his engines whirring to life. Harper coming full tilt towards him looking as bad as she did had to be scary, but it was whatever. "Oh my word! She's going to die! This is it, this is the end. I cannot cope. I am going to cry. I am going to slide down the wall, cry, vomit, clutch my head, die, and kick things, and cry more, and vomit more--"
Iida was fast in revving up his quirk, but not fast enough. Harper was in his path and ready to tackle him if she had to. It was a great distraction from her own shattered mental state. Besides, his circling thoughts of self-hatred only cemented further that she had to get this done.
She'd tried cornering him in the dorms. She'd tried after class, before class, at lunch, in the halls. Harper had been trying to get him to talk to her since the moment she admitted what her quirk was, and he was dodging hard. She'd done this, and that meant it was her responsibility to address it.
Harper knew using confrontation with Iida as a coping mechanism probably wasn't the healthiest thing in the world. She just... she felt like she was moving through molasses. Everyday didn't seem real-- like she was walking through some sort of hazy nightmare. Only the thing was, nothing else was wrong. No one else was dying, no one else was physically hurting (aside from Bakugo).
There were no villains attacking them, the press was leaving them alone for once. Things were so, so still. And yet Harper could still barely keep up. It didn't... It didn't feel like things were allowed to be like this. So normal, and mundane. She almost would've preferred if things were to crash and burn.
A warp gate opened in front of her, and she hopped over it with surprisingly quick reflexes. She thought she heard Bakugo give a few sarcastic claps but wasn't really paying attention as she skidding to a stop in front of Iida, grabbing his arm before he could slip around her and keep going forward.
The guy froze like a deer in headlights, anxiety bubbling up from the pit of his stomach as his eyes met hers for what like the first time in forever. Harper hardly blinked when Kurogiri materialized next to her, his hands falling on her shoulders in a panic. She kept her gaze level with Tenya's.
"Iida." Harper kept her voice as steady as she could. This, she could do. Helping made her feel like she was doing something. Harper needed to fix something, or at least make steps to. This was something Harper was good at-- the tackling other people's emotional issues to avoid her own. Harper is extremely self-aware of her own suffering and has the logical standpoint and enough knowledge from past experiences to know she can't sit down and do nothing. This is productive shit right here, and if all goes well, it'll help Tenya too. "I think we need to talk."
He stared at her with big eyes. She stared back firmly, still holding his arm. She expected a lot of things. Maybe some anger, some disgust, some betrayal. Something negative thrown her way. Which she could take, even as fragile as she was feeling.
Tenya had been so shaken to hear her quirk. So shocked and taken aback that Harper had felt almost ill for having lied to him all this time. Harper just... she felt like shit. Everything felt like shit. The entire class was feeling like shit and nobody had any idea what to do with themselves.
So with that being said, Harper can safely say she did not see Tenya's reaction coming from a mile away. A slap in the face would've been less surprising. Because Tenya, for reasons she probably should've been able to deduce with her quirk but wasn't, burst into tears right before her very eyes and then captured her in a hug. And Harper... wasn't sure what to do with that.
~~
Read up to chapter 80 on Patreon's early access!
Sneak peek of chapter 80:
"Correct! You see, Harper and I formed an unbreakable bond when we were kidnapped together by our quirk counselor and held captive for weeks on end in the same cage in a church basement!" Inasa announced cheerfully. "It was a truly riveting experience! Now, no matter how much time passes, we--"