Benji
There have been very few times in my life where I have woken up with the feeling that my life is going in the right direction. Growing up, that feeling was rare, almost foreign to me.
Waking up with regret was mostly common. I couldn't get out of bed because all I could do was dwell on my mistakes of the night before and all of my bad decisions. It was a poisonous way to start the day but it was also so normal for me.
I didn't really understand how fucked up that lifestyle was until I started living differently. And that is kind of bizarre because I've only changed my life style recently. I'm talking about less than two months.
Suddenly, that feeling of regret and starting the morning off with a toxic mindset feels like years ago. I feel so great about my life that I almost feel terrified because I don't want to do anything to mess it up. I can't help but wonder what the sex for Brandy actually felt like for her.
With guys, it's pretty easy to just guess that it went well. I know a few guys who have had bad sex, but even then they still do it again and again with that same girl. Girls are hard to read sometimes, which I usually love because they are so much more interesting than guys. But in this case, I hate it because I don't know what she's really thinking.
She keeps saying it was good but I hope she isn't just saying that if she's feeling something else. My biggest fear is that us having sex will change our relationship somehow. Well, I hope it changes our relationship, actually. My fingers are crossed that it changes us for the better and not for the worse.
"You're going out?" I say as I get out of the shower and I see Brandy fully dressed, ready to head out.
"I have a morning class, remember?"
I chuckle. "You were going to leave without saying goodbye?"
She purses her lips. "You were in the shower," she mumbles.
I wasn't born yesterday. I know when something is bothering her. It feels like she's already avoiding me.
"Well, I'm out." I smile as I walk up to her, grabbing her hands. "How are you?"
She smiles and looks away, like we just started dating and she's suddenly shy or something. "I'm okay," she says. "I have to go, though. You know how Becca is about tardiness. She has a policy: 'If you're going to be late, don't show up at all.'"
"Okay," I say, trying not to be that guy who pressures his girlfriend into admitting what's really going on. "I'll see you tonight?"
"I have work," she sighs. "It's a five hour shift so I won't be home for dinner."
"I'll visit you at work," I suggest. "I'll eat dinner at Joey's, how about that? Just like I always used to do."
She nods. "Sure. I've got to run. I'll see you." She sprints out the door, almost as if she isn't even trying to hide the fact that something is bothering her.
I don't really know what's wrong because last night was beyond wonderful. The sex wasn't awkward, she didn't cry or bleed — and we talked for hours afterwards. The fact that everything is different after a nights sleep is completely strange. What changed in eight hours?
Mom keeps calling me. I silenced my phone because of all the incoming calls from her. What she wants is beyond me. I'm sure she wants me to visit and talk to her after that incident in the park the other day but I'm not interested in what she has to say. She didn't stand up for me or protect me from him, therefore I have no reason to speak to her.
I meet Shawn for lunch because I need somebody to talk to about my life. So much has been going on and not having someone to talk to about Brandy is killing me.
"Damn, Starboy, this has been one hell of a week for you. Your dad knocks you out in the park, he gets arrested, and you end up hospitalized. And on top of that, you and Brandy have sex for the first time?" He says.
"That pretty much sums it up," I tell him.
"Have you spoken to your parents? Well, your mom?" He asks.
I shake my head. "No, and I don't plan to. I'm done with them. They've fucked up my life for long enough, I'm officially done. That was the final straw."
He nods understandingly. "What about your dad? What is going to happen to him?"
"I don't know," I admit. "He has a lot of friends in the police department, I'm sure he'll get away with it, just like he always does."
Shawn huffs. "I don't think many people get away with fraud," he says. "And a whole bunch of other shit that I can't remember at the top of my head. I'm sure you know it all, right?"
"I... I don't, actually. Fraud?"
"If it makes you feel better, your dad might be locked away for a very long time. It turns out he's capable of worse than hitting his own son in a public setting. I don't think you'll have to worry about him for a long time."
"Are you serious?"
"You didn't know any of this? It's all over the news, and I mean... he's your dad. I figured you knew about everything."
"I've been avoiding television all week. And I haven't answered any of my mom's calls. I knew he was in some legal trouble but I didn't know how serious it is," I say. "My dad is going to prison?"
He shrugs. "I don't know all of the details. My mom is still catching up on all the gossip at her lame society club. I don't know what the word about it is in Brooklyn, but on the Upper East Side it's considered 'hot gossip.'" He laughs. "It's kind of crazy. I mean, everyone is talking about you."
I roll my eyes. "Great," I mutter. "That's exactly what I need right now."
"Hey, I know you're mad at your mom — and with good reason," he says lowly. "But I think you should talk to her. There's going to be a lot of changes going on in your family. You might want to be caught up from the actual source."
I shake my head and turn away. "I don't have a family anymore. Can we just... can we change the subject?"
He sighs, and then follows with a smile a minute later. "So you and Brandy, huh?" He winks. "Alright, load it all on me."
I do a good job at pretending I don't care when I really do. It's a good and also a bad thing. I keep saying I don't care about my parents but I can't stop thinking about Dad going to prison. It's even harder not to think about what my mom is going through right now. I shouldn't give a damn, but for some reason I do.
So I do something I promised I wouldn't do: I visit Mom at the penthouse. I don't know if Dad will be home but if he is, I know exactly what I'll say to him. I have this whole angry speech prepared in my head that I've been rehearsing this whole week.
Mom sees me and she instantly stands up and walks toward me. "Benji," she says with tears running down her face, a handkerchief in her hand. "Oh, Benji," she sighs. "How are you, my dear?" Her hand reaches out to touch the marks on my face but I don't let her get near me.
"I'm not here to make amends," I tell her right off the bat. "I just want to know what the hell is going on with Dad. Is he... is he going to prison?"
She sighs and sits back down on the sofa. "I don't know," her voice breaks. "I thought everything was fine. He promised me everything would be fine."
I scoff. "Yeah, well he makes a lot of promises he can't keep."
"The lawyer thinks it's a tough case. Your father has a lot of allies — but even more enemies. There are going to be a lot of people testifying against him. I don't know what I'll do if I lose him, Benji."
I shrug. "You could get out of here, Mom," I suggest as I sit down beside her. "You could leave and go anywhere you wanted to. You could move to Spain, Morocco or France. Dad won't own you anymore if he's in prison."
"Your father doesn't own me," she says like she's trying to convince herself. "He loves me." She stares off into space.
"He loved you so much that he cheated on you," I remind her. "And he never would have told you if I didn't catch him with her."
"That was almost a decade ago, Benji," she says.
"True. But do you know what wasn't a decade ago? That time he punched and beat me in the middle of Central Park," I say. "That was a few days ago, Mom."
She cries some more. "I know, Benji! Don't you think I know that?"
"Then why are you still with him?" I beg to know. "He's a psychopath, Mom. How can you be with him after everything he's done? How can you stand by him? I know you let him get away with a lot of shit, but seriously, Mom? I thought him physically hurting me would cross a line."
"Don't you think I'm terrified of what he's done?" She says through her muffled chokes. "I'm not blind, Benji! I am absolutely appalled of who he has become. But..."
"But what?"
She sighs. "He's my husband."
"So where is that line, Mom? Because if he hit his own blood and cheated on his wife, who's to say he won't hit you next? Or worse? He's already proven himself a criminal of the law, Mom. Why should we trust him? Why should you?"
"I don't know," she sobs. "I don't know." She buries her face into her handkerchief.
Annoyed at her oblivion, I laugh a bit. "I'm trying to save you from a madman, Mom — the same way I wished you saved me from him. But if you want to stand by someone like that... then." I sigh. "Then I can't stand by you."
She looks up at me as I stand up, her brown eyes filled with tears.
"I needed you," I say. "Not just the other day in the park. I needed you all these years and you let me down, but somehow you were never close to as cruel as Dad was — so I'm giving you one last chance. It's me... or him," I say, giving her an ultimatum. "You can pick him, I won't be surprised. But don't be surprised when I never speak to you again."
Feeling like I've said all that I need to say, I dramatically walk out, just like I did in the scenario in my head.
**
I walk around New York for three whole hours, making it the longest walk I've ever been on. In all of the years I've lived here, I don't think I've ever walked around New York simply just to walk around New York. Every walk had a purpose or a destination, but not this one. Fresh air is just something I really need right now because maybe it will clear my head.
I end up passing Joey's and I can see Brandy through the window, wiping down a table. I smile when I see her, feeling determined to walk up to her and see how she is doing.
The bell rings when I walk in and she notices me almost instantaneously. She smiles and walks up to me, wiping her hands on her black apron.
"You came," she says.
"I keep my promises," I tell her.
She shows me to my table and we just smile at each other because I know we're both thinking about the same thing.
"I know this isn't the time, but I'm sorry for acting weird this morning," she randomly says. "I guess you're not the only one afraid of vulnerability," she chuckles.
"You finally get it now, huh?" I tease. "It's scary, isn't it?"
She nods in agreement. Seeing that the restaurant is almost completely empty, she sits down beside me in the little booth. "I'm sorry," she mumbles. "In the moment, I didn't really care about anything. And then I started thinking about how you've seen me in a way that no one else has and that... that scared me. I was kind of embarrassed."
"That's ridiculous," I say. "You don't need to feel embarrassed, B. Whatever insecurity you have, I promise you it's all in your head. When I think about last night, I just want to go back in time, you know? There was absolutely nothing wrong with it at all. It was amazing," I assure her.
"I know," she sighs. "It was amazing. I don't know what came over me. I woke up and suddenly I felt like I had no idea how to be around you. A lot has been going through my brain. I'm trying to understand how I feel."
"Did you decide how you feel?"
"At first, I was scared. I worried that last night would mess everything up. But then I realized that it can only be messed up if I make a mess out of a sure thing. I don't regret last night at all, I hope you know that."
"So we're good?" I make sure.
"Of course we are," she tells me. "I'm happy."
"I am too," I agree. "The only thing fucking up my life is my parents. My dad might go to prison and I sort of gave my mom an ultimatum today."
"You talked to her? What... what ultimatum did you give her?"
"I told her she had to choose between me and my dad." I chuckle. "Of course she is going to pick him, why wouldn't she? She's been choosing him over me my entire life. I just wanted her to know that she's lost me for good."
"Maybe she'll surprise you," Brandy says.
"I doubt it."
"Wait, back to Steven," she says. "Prison? I thought it was a small thing. How bad is it that he might go to prison? What the hell did he do?"
"I don't know the details, I didn't stick around to find out. It's for fraud, I think, and some other shit. But I'm not even surprised, that's the sad thing. When was my dad ever an honest or even a decent person? Never."
"I know you hate your dad but aren't you a little worried? I mean, prison is a big deal, Benji. I don't want to tell you what to do but maybe... maybe you should talk to him?" She suggests.
"No," I say. "That's not happening. Did you suddenly forget the image of him beating the shit out of me on the street?"
"Trust me, I could never forget that sight," she says. "But this is a big deal. I don't want you to regret not talking to him if — well, if he does do time."
"The only thing I regret is not moving out of that house sooner," I say. "Don't worry about it, okay? Emily and Steven are out of our lives for good. Let's just start our new life without them, okay? It's just you and me from now on."
She nods. "Okay, if that's what you want."
"It is," I promise. "It's all I want. I just want a normal life."
My phone vibrates and I glance over to see a notification for a text from my dad. I scoff as I flip my phone over and push it away from me. I can't believe that after everything that's happened he has the nerve to reach out to me.
I notice Brandy's facial expression, almost as if she doesn't agree that I'm ignoring my parents. She doesn't even have to say it — it's written all over her face.
"I'm not answering him," I say to her.
"I know," she says. "I didn't say anything."
"You didn't have to."
She sighs. "I'm going to use the bathroom. I'll be back." She gets up and walks away.
I watch her leave before I stare at my cellphone on the table. I try fighting the urge to reach over and check his message but I lose. I just need to know what the hell he has to say to me after everything. Would he seriously apologize over a text? Is it a simple 'hey'? I can't even imagine.
Benji. I would have called you but I know you don't want to speak to me. I can hardly blame you. My hearing is in two weeks and I was hoping you would come out and support me in court. I've given you no reason to but after all, I am your father. Talk soon, I hope.
And... delete. He's right: I have no reason to come out to support him. What happens to him is beyond me.
Brandy returns and notices me putting down my phone. "Did you check the message?"
I shake my head. "No," I lie. "I was just texting Shawn."
I promised I wouldn't lie to her anymore but this is family stuff. If I tell her about my dad's hearing, she'll convince me to go — and I don't want to hear it. My decision is final: I am not going to see my dad.
—
(Please vote/comment if you are enjoying Starboy I appreciate it so much!!)
Hello everybody! How are you? I'm finally starting to get a hang of my job and I'm really happy. Anyway, I'm really liking the direction this story is going, I'm so excited for you guys to read the upcoming chapters.
Have a great rest of your day!! Xo