Thirty-nine.
As the moon and stars light up the cold and gloomy night sky, I felt Zavion's hand on my skin, touching every bit of it. His amber-colored eyes are directed to me and I can't even blink my eyes because I don't have the guts to move my body. Parang nawawala ako sa katinuan dahil sa tinging iginagawad niya sa akin. Halos malagutan ako ng hininga dahil sa lapit naming dalawa.
Why does everything feel so heavy?
Ang bigat. Parang may nakadagan na bagay sa aking dibdib. Parang ang sakit. Parang itong sitwasyon na 'to ang nagpapamukha sa akin na mas'yado kong nami-miss si Zavion... ngunit bawal na, dahil marami na ang nangyari... at hindi na kami tulad ng noon.
"Z-zavion..." I stammered. "What are you thinking?"
His brow arched. He licked his lips and caressed my hand.
Nakahinto ang kan'yang kotse malapit sa mansion nina Margarette. We are already here but no one had the courage to come out because we both knew we have something to talk about.
"B-bakit hindi ako?" Nanghihina niyang tanong. "Bakit, Elvira? Mahal na mahal naman kita! Kaya bakit hindi ako 'yong pinili mo noon?" His voice broke.
I gasped. "W-what are you saying?!" Bahagyang tumaas ang aking boses.
"Please, don't make this hard for me, Zavion. Let's be casual. It's been years. Maayos kong sinabing tapos na tayo noon at may dalawa na akong anak ngayon..."
"Bullshit!" I gasped at his sudden outburst. Malakas niyang hinampas ang manibela sa sobrang inis. "That's it! Ayan 'yong dahilan kung bakit hindi na naman ako matahimik! Hindi ko kayang tanggapin na dalawa ang anak ninyo ni Ambrielle! I should be in his position! I should be the father of your children! Ako dapat 'yong sumasalubong sa 'yo kapag galing ka sa trabaho! Ako dapat ang nag-aalaga sa inyo! Ako dapat ang lahat ng 'yon, Elvira!"
"Hindi naman mahirap maghanap ng iba..." I averted my gaze. Parang may bumara sa aking lalamunan nang sabihin ko 'yon.
"Mahirap... dahil ikaw ang papalitan," napalayo siya sa akin. "Hindi ko kayang maghanap dahil walang papantay sa 'yo."
Nakagat ko ang aking pang-ibabang labi. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot sa kan'yang sinabi. Umiwas na lamang ako ng tingin at tinanaw ang buhay na buhay na mansion nina Margarette dahil sa dami ng ilaw at sa lakas ng tugtog na abot hanggang dito.
"Gustong-gusto kitang anakan, Elvira, kung alam mo lang," pumungay ang kan'yang mga mata. "Ngunit sa iba ka nagpaanak," he added bitterly.
What the fuck...
Bahagyang umawang ang aking labi at uminit ang aking pisngi. I was caught off-guard. Gustong-gusto niya talaga idiin na sa iba ako nagpaanak!
That night, it was so awkward to even look straight into his eyes. The moment we stepped in Margarette's mansion, a lot of people greeted us, most especially Zavion. He was busy approaching those people who want to talk with him, however that didn't stop him to look after me. Kasabay rin noong gabing 'yon ang pag-aayos namin ni Margarette. We had a talk about our pasts and she asked for my forgiveness.
I've forgiven her for a long time... but it still feels really good when someone formally apologizes to you. You know that they are sincere because they came personally and ask for your forgiveness. Everything is now falling into its right places. My best friend, Margarette, is now my friend again. We are okay now and I don't have to worry much from now on.
Before, I needed to cry to sleep. Those negatives thoughts won't let me sleep at night. Ang dami kong gustong ayusin ngunit hindi ko 'yon kontrol. Ang dami kong gustong solusyonan ngunit natatakot ako sa mga maaaring mangyari. Ngayon... hindi ko na alam kung paano nangyayari lahat, ngunit natatamo ko na muli ang kaayusan, katahimikan, at kapayapaan sa aking buhay.
I just have to worry about my unsolved problems with Zavion. My son, Atharv, is now concluding about the image of their father.
"Do not underestimate Atharv. He understands everything!" My voice raised while talking with Elaine and Kazuo. "Same with Archis! They will do everything to look for answers for their questions! Kung hindi nila 'yon makukuha sa atin, gagawa at gagawa ng paraan 'yong mga 'yon upang malaman nila ang katotohanan, lalong-lalo na si Gaddiel!"
"As much as I want to protect Atharv from the cruelty of the world and pain that he might get after finding out the truth, I can't because he has to accept it... that you were raped kaya lamang siya nabuo," Elaine responded casually. "His father was a rapist! Mabuti na lamang at hindi nagmana roon ang anak mo!"
Nasa likod kami ng mansion, sa hardin ni Lola. We were chilling and talking about random stuffs until Elaine started this topic. Huwag daw akong mangamba na nakita ni Atharv ang mga litrato ko kasama si Zavion dahil bata pa lang naman daw ito. Makakalimutan niya rin daw ito kinalaunan.
"Tahimik na bata si Gaddiel ngunit kapag nalaman niya na ang tatay ng kan'yang kapatid ay si Zavion na kan'yang tinitingala, hinding-hindi 'yon mananahimik. He's longing for a love of a Father..." Kazuo stated his opinion.
"Just give me more time..." I shut my eyes tightly and took a deep sigh. "Uunahin ko si Zavion. Sa kan'ya ko muna isasaliwalat ang lahat... p-para kapag hindi niya kayang tanggapin si Archis, hindi madidismaya ang anak ko."
"Elvira," Elaine called my name softly. "Pareho nating alam kung gaano kabaliw si Zavion sa 'yo. Ikaw lang 'tong natatakot... natatakot na baka husgahan ka ng iyong mahal dahil sa katotohanang nagahasa ka..."
I fell silent. Parang may natamaan sa aking loob-looban dahilan ng aking pagkatahimik.
"Face your fears, Elvi," Kazuo spoke. "And give Gaddiel and Hanniel the happiness that they deserve."
Are they encouraging me to spill out the truth?
Matagal kong inisip ang bagay na 'yon. Buong gabi, halos 'di ako pinatahimik ng aking isip. The memories that I had with Zavion kept me awake. The happy image of Atharv and Archis didn't let me sleep at night. They need a Father, not just a father figure, but their real Father... but what about Atharv? How would I explain him the truth?
Natampal ko ang aking noo at hinayaan kong dalawin ako ng antok noong gabing 'yon. When I woke up, I quickly took a shower. Out of nowhere, I feel nervous and I don't know why. My lips curved into a thin line and I shook my head to forget those things that are bugging me. Pagkatapos, dumiretso ako sa breakfast area at nakita kong kumpleto na sila roon.
"Good morning, Mama!" Archis, in his sweetest voice.
Archis reached for my cheek and kissed it repeatedly. Umarko ang aking kilay nang makita kong walang kibo ang aking panganay. Abala ito sa kan'yang pagkain at hindi man lang ako nito tinatapunan ng tingin. I sat down quietly on my seat, still looking at Atharv.
"Atharv..." I called his name softly. Doon lamang dumapo ang kan'yang tingin sa akin. "Are you done with your assignments? Do you need help?"
"I'm already done with it," he answered coldly.
Nagkatingin kami ni Kazuo. Nagkibit-balikat ako at nagsimula na lamang akong kumain.
After eating, I decided to bring my children into their school. Archis was shocked with my decision. Sinabihan ko ang kanilang driver na ako na muna ang maghahatid sa kanila kaya tuwang-tuwa si Archis. Paulit-ulit ako nitong hinalikan sa pisngi ngunit gano'n pa rin si Atharv, walang kibo kahit na nasa loob na kami ng kotse.
"You're not busy, Mama?"
"I still have a time, Archis. Don't cause a trouble, okay? I'm watching you," I reminded him.
"I'm not causing a trouble!" He defended himself. "Ito nga pong si Kuya, Mama, alam mo ba, may mine-meet po 'yang stranger tuwing break time po namin! I don't know who!"
My eyebrows furrow. "What?!"
"What are you talking about?!" The thunderous voice of Atharv filled the whole car. Aambang susuntukin niya ang kan'yang kapatid ngunit natinag ito nang samaan ko siya ng tingin. "Someone just asked a direction! Gawa-gawa ng kuwento 'yang si Archis, Mama! Suntukin kita mamaya, tingnan mo!"
"Atharv!" I warn him.
I heard him murmuring some words. Archis mocked him that triggered him more.
"Makaalis lang talaga si Mama, tingnan mo lang..." Gigil na gigil na saad ni Atharv.
"Kapag nagsumbong sa akin 'yang kapatid mo, Gaddiel, tingnan mo lang din mangyayari sa 'yo!"
"It's his fault!"
"No! Were you really meeting a stranger?"
"No, Mama! Nagkataon lang na may nagtanong po sa akin at nakita niya po 'yon!" His forehead creased in annoyance. "Mas'yado kasing pasikat 'yang si Archis!"
"Enough!" I massage my temple and park my car near the school. "Umayos kayong dalawa. Kapag may narinig pa ako, sasabihin ko sa Tito ninyo 'tong mga pinaggagawa ninyo!"
"Tsk." Atharv averted his gaze and slid his hands inside of his pockets.
Pinauna ko silang lumabas. Kunot na kunot ang noo ni Atharv habang nasa tabi niya ang kan'yang kapatid at hinihintay ako. Napanguso ako at dali-daling lumabas sa aking kotse. Archis offer his hand for me to hold it. We started walking and I'm still confused with Atharv's strange behavior.
Archis cheerfully greeted his schoolmates, on the other hand, I shifted my gaze to Atharv whose eyes are on the ground, avoiding his schoolmates' stares.
Hinatid ko sila sa kanilang classroom. Naunang pumasok si Archis dahil sinalubong siya ng kan'yang mga kaibigan. When Atharv was about to enter their classroom, I held his arm to stop him from walking. Nag-angat ito ng tingin, nagtatanong ang kan'yang mga mata.
"Do you have a problem with me, anak? Nagtatampo ka ba kay Mama?"
His lips parted slightly. Matagal bago siya tumugon sa aking tanong. Dahan-dahan niyang iniling ang kan'yang ulo at iniwas niya ang kan'yang tingin. His eyes say the otherwise, though. His eyes are burning in anger. Kitang-kita ko ang nakabalot na kakaibang galit sa kan'yang mga mata.
I sighed. "I'll talk to you later," I informed him. "Pumasok ka na," marahan kong dagdag sa sinabi.
Sinunod niya ang aking sinabi. Hindi na ako nito muling nilingon pa dahilan kung bakit parang may nakadagan sa aking dibdib. Minsan lang magtampo sa akin si Atharv. Nagtatampo ito kapag valid talaga ang rason. Minsan, kapag walang-wala na talaga akong oras sa kanila, ganito niya ako kung itrato.
But my son doesn't want to clarify it. What should I do?
Dumiretso ako sa clinic nang maihatid ko sila. Pansamantalang nawaglit 'yon sa aking isip. My eyes narrowed when I saw a familiar figure of someone. Dahan-dahang nanlaki ang aking mga mata nang makilala ko ito.
"Margarette!"
"Ang daming nagpapa-check-up..." Salubong niya sa akin. Pinahid niya ang kan'yang pawis at tumingin muli sa akin. "Good morning, Ms. Fonsesca!"
I smiled. "Good morning. How's your experience here?"
"I never thought you have your own clinic! I mean, this wasn't included to your plans before!" She said cheerfully. "Narinig ko lang kay Kazuo. Nadulas siya sa akin. Mayroon ka raw pinagkakaabalahan at ito 'yon..." Her eyes roam around the whole clinic.
"I built this to prove something to myself," tipid akong napangiti.
"May narinig nga rin ako..." She whispered something but I can't hear it clearly.
I raised a brow. She shook her head and a big smile appeared on her lips again. Hindi rin nagtagal ang pag-uusap naming iyon dahil pareho kaming naging abala buong araw.
Kinagabihan ay ramdam ko ang pagkapagod ng aking katawan. There were no patient when I left the clinic. Dumiretso ako sa aking kotse at huminga nang malalim. Sinandal ko ang aking ulo sa manibela at nagpahinga roon sandali. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay nakakaramdam pa rin ako ng kaba. It was like something bad would happen.
I shook my head to cleanse my mind. I started the engine of my car and drive smoothly. I try to calm myself down by listening to my favorite songs and I comfort myself with the city lights outside.
I was silent when I came home. Naabutan ko si Archis at Kazuo sa sala na naglalaro. Kumunot ang aking noo nang may mapagtanto.
"Where's Atharv?" I asked quietly.
"Nand'yan ka na pala," sagot ni Kazuo. "Atharv is in the garden. What did you do to your son?"
Pinilig ko ang aking ulo. "I don't know."
"I told you, Mama, he's meeting a stranger," walang malay na singit ni Archis. "I saw them with my two eyes! Lagi-lagi ko po silang nakikitang magkausap!"
"Huh?" Kazuo's lips parted.
"Are you sure that he is in the gard—" Naudlot ang aking sasabihin dahil malakas na kumalabog ang aming pinto.
"Elvira!"
My chest throbbed when I heard that tone.
That fucking familiar voice.
Sa pintuan, naroon si Zavion, halata sa kan'ya ang panghihina ngunit ang mga mata niya'y binabalot ng halo-halong mga emosyon. Kitang-kita roon ang galit, sakig, at hinagpis. His veins are coming out in so much emotions and his face reddened... looks like he's about to attack me.
"Is it true that you were raped by Ambrielle?!" His voice broke.
Noong mga sandaling iyon, walang kahit sino ang nagbalak sa aming gumalaw.
All I could hear was the loud beat of my heart... and I almost collapse when I met Zavion's teary-eyes.
Hot tears pooled at the corner of my eyes. My knees tremble and my hands are shaking.
Gumapang ang panlalamig sa aking buong katawan... lalo na nang makita ko si Atharv sa kan'yang likod, malamig ang tingin sa akin.
"And is it true that I am the father of Archis?!"
At ayon, parang 'yon ang naging hudyat upang mapaluhod siya... hinang-hina at umiiyak sa harap ko.