The wind was flowing, making my jacket look like a flying cape.
My arms were wrapped around Blake's torso so I wouldn't fall of the bike as we swerved past all the cars.
My backpack and Blake's were in the car with the others as we now ride to school.
My black helmet shining by the sun that sometimes peaked through the cold winter air.
The winter cold making my nose run a little while I enjoyed the speed from the bike.
Swerving left and right through traffic, all my anxious thoughts leaving me.
It was like the world stopped for a little while, like I could finally breathe again.
And then as soon as it had started it had stopped,
reality came back,
stress came back,
anxiety came back,
....Everything came back just like the rain that comes back after a couple of sunny days, it all came back so fast, so fucking fast like a fire that spreads out, burning an entire house down, where only the ashes remain.
It hurt.
It hurt feeling that heavy weight take my chest over again.
It hurt feeling my throat close up as we now stepped of the bike.
It hurt so much.
Soon enough the rest of the family had arrived, wishing me good luck.
I couldn't hear half of what they were saying, that fog appearing in my brain.
I could hear them but not process anything they said, I couldn't understand them through the thumping of my heart beat that was now in my head.
I couldn't understand anything while my mind and heart were screaming for me to run.
I could feel myself being dragged to that pit again.
Like someone-, like that darkness grabbed me by the hair and pulled me to that pit, like it wanted me to fall down into that hole full of that same darkness that once ruled my life.
Where I've been trying so hard to get out of, out of that hole, out of that misery, out of that constant feeling of drowning, out of that pain, out of that fear, out of that hopelessness, out of that hate, out of that stress and anxiety, out of that will to fucking die!
I could feel it in my heart, in my longs, in my mind, I could feel it everywhere.
I don't want to go back to waking up every morning wishing I was dead.
I've been trying...
I've been trying so fucking hard and now I feel like I'm floating in my own body looking down at everything and everyone.
Like I'm there but not actually there, my body is reacting but it's not me who's controlling it. It is me, but it's not either. It's me but, it's kind of like my body is reacting how it should, how I normally act, like it's from muscle memory you know? I can't explain it but-...
I was puncturing my finger into the dirt, into the earth, trying to stop myself from being dragged in the pit, and I-..I felt like I couldn't win. Even if I'd have some kind of training for this, I still wouldn't be able to win. It felt like my body and mind were haunting me saying that I'll never escape it. That even though I try so hard, that I'll always end up falling into that pit again. And I-...I-I didn't want to believe it, but..I knew they were right, deep down I knew they were right.
I would or could never escape this.
It's a part of me now, that darkness I mean.
It's a part of me, it always was and it will always be.
We said goodbye to all the family members who don't attend school and would be leaving for work.
I was embraced by everyone but ended with embracing dad, "you're not okay, I see it and I know it, I need you to get back here. You're mentally not here, your eyes are distant, they are like a void baby. Try to get back honey, remember us and come back. Come back to your family little one, we're here for you. You can do this, you need to fight it, resist that darkness. Use it to your advantage, use that darkness instead of it using you. You need to do this on your own baby, I can't do it for you or help you in doing it, you are the person who needs to make the darkness kneel before you. Fight it and use it to make others pay. Please come back baby, please principessa, I love you so so fucking much baby so fucking much." He said.
I did as he said and tried to fight that darkness, but it was too much- too big.
"I can't" I whispered my voice distant, no trace of any emotion but pain.
"You can baby, you can. Make the darkness kneel, use it. The darkness has hurt you even more then them and the others, make it pay and kneel before you, fight it now." He said.
I tried again but it wasn't working, I couldn't stop the darkness into dragging me to the edge.
"Think about all it ever did to you, do you want that to happen again. Do you want to be controlled again, be used and hurt? Do you want to drown again, do you want to go back in that state?"
The darkness had me kneeling before it, about to throw me into that pit.
I could hear dad, and I tried one more time, once more.
I tried to stand up even though I could feel the darkness pressing down on me. I kept pushing and eventually stood on wobbly legs. "Make it kneel before you." I could hear dad say. Again I did as he said and forced the darkness to kneel before me.
And....and it listened. It kneeled, like I was its queen or something.
I forced it there before making it climb into that pit, only to be let out if I call for it.
The fog went away, but the anxiety, fear and stress for school stayed but everything else stopped.
That heaviness eased just like that pressure on my airway.
"Oh god" I chocked out as I held onto dad.
" Sh sh sh you're okay now. You did it baby, you control the darkness don't forget that. You control it, not the other way around. Just breathe baby, deep breaths. Remember who you are, Valentina Hernandez, mafia princess of the three most powerful mafia's in the world. You're strong and powerful, you're amazing and sweet and kind and honest and beautiful and much much more. Just breathe, deep breaths and when you're ready we'll show the school who Valentina Hernandez is." He said holding me close, pressing a kiss on my temple.