"And remember, nobody's feelings are more important than your own, so take time to love yourself." -King.
//
"So?" Zayn speaks finally. His voice distinctively quiet as he manages to break the silence.
I face him as he diverts his gaze off the road and onto me.
"What?"
"How do you feel after seeing her?"
I look down at my fingers and frown. I would have preferred to see Grace.
"I feel, weird." I say honestly.
Zayn nods and looks back at the road. "I understand."
One thing I had notice, leaving that building has made me think more than I want too. Most of the time, I'm in my head while my body moves around on its own.
The sentence that hadn't left my head was what she had said to me before I left; All pain transforms to a lesson. You're lesson is still in continuation.
Something inside of me is telling me not to tell Zayn about this quote. I know hes smart enough to decipher it for himself and maybe thats why I don't want him too.
Maybe if Faylyn didn't favouritise the word why, I may have stayed longer, but Zayn himself was getting paranoid and decided to rejoin us again.
I do feel like a little weight has been lifted off me, but does it resolve anything?
I don't know yet.
Breaking me away from my thoughts for the third time, Zayn grabs my hand. I blink and take in my surroundings, finally realising that we're back home.
"Are you okay?"
I smile in response. "Yeah."
Pulling my hand away, I get out of the car and make my way back inside through the garage with Zayn close behind.
"What were you guys talking about?" Zayn questions.
The distinctive sound of the keys dropping on a hard surface made me turn abuptly to him and he stops in front of me, expression clearly confused.
"What?"
I sigh anxiously. "Nothing." I shake my head. "Um, we were just talking about me." I lie timidly.
"That's it?" Zayn frowns, obviously expecting more as he raises an eyebrow this time.
I nod while making my way into the kitchen.
Zayn takes a seat on the bar stool while he watches my every move. His eyes narrows.
"Are you sure?" His tone is dry.
I nod again.
He continues to watch me, eyes glazed over with a look of confusion. He's preoccupied.
"Do you want something to drink?" I question quietly after I realised how silent we both are.
He shakes his head and sighs before standing and walking away.
I frown and watch him his, until he's no longer in my site, but the figment for my hearing.
I hear his footsteps going upstairs and I look back down at my trembling hands.
Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes and rethink about what was said in the therapy session.
After she had asked me why about a dozen times about why I didn't trust Zayn, she tried for a new tactic and asked more about our past.
Of course it started off well, but as she dug more into it, I had basically told her why I didn't trust him without even realising it.
With his history of cheating and constant fake apologies after abusing me, my mentality, in her own words, 'has made its own barrier to foresee his false words of forgiveness.'
I don't know what the fuck that means, but the more I think about it, the more I'm understanding it.
I question every little thing he does now after Candice kissed him.
My mind is in a constant trance of paranoia and although I can see that he's trying to change for me, I can't help but wait for that day to come when I flip the switch by accident and he's back to the way he was.
It's happened before but this is the longest he has ever gone without placing a hand on me.
My mind is disrupted by Zayns footsteps as he comes down the staircase.
"I'm going out." He calls out.
I frown and walk towards the lounge room to see he's shrugging on his jacket.
"Where to?" I swallow confused.
He shrugs while opening the door. "Don't wait up."
I open my mouth to say something but he closes the door before I could muster up a word and I bite my lip nervously.
Where's he going?!
//
My eyes were so heavy when I opened them.
All I wanted to do was close my eyes for just a little longer and then wake up.
The only thing hats keeping me from doing so was the piercing bright light that's shining directly in my eyes.
I sigh annoyed and frown when I realise there's no thrown lazily around my waist, or a head laying against my chest like a usual morning.
Frowning, I look to my side to find Zayn still hadn't returned from wherever he was going last night.
I immediately reach for my phone to check if there was any missed calls. My worry heightens as I think of the things that could have happened.
But there was absolutely nothing. Well there was a message from Eleanor asking if I wanted to hang today, but that's all there was.
Nothing from Zayn.
Frowning, I go on his contact and decide to call him.
It goes straight to the answer phone and I sigh. His phone is probably flat.
I decided on getting out of bed and making way through the hallway to see through the other bedrooms, only resulting in all of them Zayn free.
Where the hell is he?!
I call Louis this time as I make my way downstairs, but I immediately hang up when I realise Zayn is sleeping on the couch.
The room itself though reeks of liquor and I blink aimlessly at his sleeping form.
He drank last night. And. . .and he didn't hurt me?
I swallow and grab some aspirin and some juice.
As I place it down, he grabs my wrist and I flinch before pulling back immediately from a fright.
"Jesus!" I gasp before nervously giggling.
He half smiles before squeezing his eyes shut and yawning tiredly.
"I- I brought you some aspirin." I say quietly.
Zayn sighs before sitting up and stretching again, causing his shirtless torso to tense a little more. His eyes are so squinty while his hair is pointed in every direction possible.
I can't be more attracted to him at this moment.
"Thanks babe." And oh god that morning after party voice.
I'm like putty in his hands right now.
"You went out last night." I murmur the obvious before sitting down next to him as he takes the two pills down.
He nods and sighs. "Sorry, I had a lot on my mind. I didn't think you'd notice."
I bite my lip. "It smells like a liquor brew in here Zayn."
He throws his arm around my shoulder and pulls me closer to him as he kisses my temple. "At least I didn't hurt you."
I bite my lip and look back up at him. "Zayn-"
"Can you trust me now?"
I frown. "What do you mean?"
Zayn sighs and pulls his arm away from me to lean his elbows on his knees. He pauses for a moment and rubs his head affectionately.
"I may have been listening to what you said to Faylyn." Zayn confesses.
"Were you eavesdropping?" I ask annoyed.
He nods. "I had too. Okay? Everyday I wake up thinking you're going to leave. I just- I had to hear what was wrong and what I could do to make me win your trust back."
"So you went out and got drunk?"
Zayn frowns. "Did I come back and hurt you?"
I mirror his expression. "No."
"Then why is it such a problem?
"It's not just the drinking. It's the cheating and the lying and-" I shake my head. It's way too early for this.
"What did you do while you were out?"
"Nothing." He shakes his head.
I sigh annoyed. "Zayn, trust isn't just given out over night-"
"I know." Zayn sighs annoyed. "Can we not talk about this when I'm hungover."
I sigh. "You're right. I don't want to argue about it."
"I'm not arguing about it." He groans. "Just drop it." Zayn stands abruptly and walks towards the bathroom and I groan out loud.
"I'm going out with Eleanor today." I inform.
He doesn't reply and I make my way back upstairs to have a shower.
I took longer than necessary because all I could do is just think and think. . . And think.
I'm trying to look at this as a good thing.
He didn't hurt me last night. He came straight home and crashed on the couch without even harassing me for anything.
I give him something for that.
I sigh annoyed and turn the shower off.
Grabbing the towel off the towel rail, I step out of the shower while wrapping it around my body.
I wipe the fog off the mirror and gaze at my reflection.
My eye are so wide. Why?
Stress, paranoia.. "Possibly mental." I murmur to myself.
"Talking to yourself might make you mental." I hear Zayns voice from behind me before I even see his reflection in the mirror.
I turn to face him, my hand instinctively reaching to tighten my towel around my chest.
"I didn't even hear you come in." I murmur.
He shrugs before grabbing his toothbrush and the toothpaste.
I look down. "Zayn, I'm sorry." I murmur pathetically. "I just thought about what you did last night and even though I still don't like it when you drink." I pause and raise an eyebrow at him as he sighs exasperated while brushing his teeth.
"I'm proud of you." I murmur before wrapping my arms around his neck.
"Mm." He shifts to spit out the shit in his mouth and I screw my face and look away as he wipes his face with my towel.
I cringe as he leaves a kiss against my lips. "Thank you."
"Please don't do it again." I whisper. "Please."
Zayn frowns.
"Just because it's happened one night, doesn't mean it's going to magically stop. You're a recovering alcoholic and you shouldn't have been drinking in the first place." I say.
Zayn sighs annoyed again. "Can't you let it go?"
"I don't want you to start drinking again." I confess as I continue to tighten the towel around me. "What time did you get back home?"
He shrugs. "I don't know."
Zayn spits again and rinses his toothbrush as I discreetly get changed away from his lurking gaze.
"We have a small gathering tomorrow at the studio about our next album." Zayn says as I pull my jeans up and button them.
He's changing the subject. That's good.
"Another album?" I question.
He nods. "You should come. Louis taking Eleanor. Sophia's going too."
I frown. "You want me to come?"
Zayn nods again. "Yeah."
I think about it for a moment as I dry my hair with the towel.
"Okay, I'll come." I nod with a smile.
"Cool." he smiles and walks up to me but hesitates.
I frown at him confused until he leans down to leave a small kiss against my lips.
When he pulls away he frowns. "Did you sleep okay last night?"
I swallow and nod. "Yeah I did actually."
"No nightmares?"
I shake my head.
He frowns again and looks down. "Hmm."
"Hmm?" I question.
"Hmm." He looks back at me, half smiling but too much in thought to put his all into the small gesture.
"What?" I question his strange behaviour and he shakes his head, waving it away.
"Nothing, nothing."Zayn mumbles. "Um, can we go back to bed."
I blink at him. "I just had a shower?"
"I know but I'm tired." He whines.
I frown at him, a small smile falling on my face. "Um Zayn you can go to bed."
"Well can you lay with me?" Zayn sighs.
I pull a face. "Fine."
He follows me into the bedroom, hands sneaking their way around my waist as he leaves a loss against my cheek and I giggle before pulling away.
Pulling the already unmade bed blankets back, Zayn slips inside and he reaches for my arm and pulls me down on the bed.
Even though my back is facing him, he cuddles up to me so close, my heart starts to feel like a little jack hammer in my chest.
"Ugh your hair is so wet." Zayn murmurs dispiritedly.
"I told you."
"Sshh."
I half smile and turn to face while still restricted from his tight grip.
"I want to see your face." I say quietly.
His eyes are closed, and I take advantage of it while my eyes skate over his angelic features. My hand with a mind of its own, snakes through his hair and he sighs.
"I'm trying to sleep." He teases, enjoying my playful fingers in his hair than he makes it out to be.
He opens his eyes this time and I hold my breath as his beautiful eyes pierce me.
"I can swim in your eyes all day." He whispers.
My face heats up momentarily as his fingers skim across my reddening cheeks.
"I love you." He murmurs as he closes his eyes.
I take in his beautiful features again. "I love you too."
A/N: oh god hey guys!
A lot of shit has been happening since I've been MIA.
All I can say is Stay strong and don't believe everything.
It's all shady to me and I'm not going to elaborate because it has nothing to do with the story and I'm not into drama.
I say fuck it bc we don't know the true story of it all. We only know what the media is feeding us, despite what has been said in that little phone interview.
EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS EDITED AND POLISHED BY SOMEONE << remember that. Please.
Besides that. I ain't ever leaving you guys.
Never.
I will stick with my Zayn stories because that's all I'll ever write about.
I love you guys too much too leave. And I love Zayn too much to stop writing about him. Even if I did, the main guy character would be Zayns face so...
Anyway I'm finally in Perth but our wifi is still connecting and I need to find job and blah blah blah. Life is so hectic atm so Im sorry for the lack of updates.
What did you think anyway?
-Chanel xxx