Sleep! What is sleep? I dont know the answer to that question anymore because I haven't had a full night sleep since him. Sleep has always been difficult for me, my brain is always running a million miles a second and I can never get it to calm down enough to find sleep, but with him that was not a problem. I use to fall asleep in his arms with such ease that you would think sleep was my best friend and not my enemy. So many nights spent in his arms. Arms that felt safe and free of any worry or concern. If there is something I miss more than anything it's his natural smell, the warm of his skin and the feel of his chest under my cheek.
Another night where sleep can not find me. So many things on my head to fully relax. I dont know if I am still anxious over how difficult it was to hide my bruises from my parents or if its something else. Coming home this afternoon was an awful experience. I was thankful the girls insisted on having someone drive me home and I used the time to fix my makeup. Once I was home I headed straight to my room and tried to avoid as much of my family as possible. My parents know how tired I have been for weeks now and they didn't think twice when I missed dinner. To their disappointment and concern this has become my new routine. I come home from school and barely eat only to pretend to sleep until the next day. I do my best to push through how I feel and I try to spend time with them but some days I just cant. Today is one of those days for more reasons than one. Another reason as to why I cant find sleep might be what happened to me. Even though I want to bury what happened and hide myself from the memories I will have a hard time letting go. I have never been so scared in my life and my hands still shake every time it comes to mind. But everything that happened today does not compare to the pain I felt when I saw Hobi and the way he ignored me. That pain was worse than anything Kang could have done to me. That image will hunt me for the rest of my life.
After my hundredth time of trying to close my eyes I have come to the decision of leaving my bed and making myself some tea. My way to the kitchen is full of silence and darkness. Times before I would have been scared to leave my room at this hour due to this same darkness but today the black hole in front of me is comforting. Knowing I don't have to hide my bruises in pounds of makeup gives me the relief I craved. The bruises on my arms are a different story those I still hide under what has become to be my favorite sleeping hoodie. The green hoodie he gave me what feels like an eternity ago. It practically fits like a dress and I mostly wear it to bed to feel closer to him.
The kitchen is as dark as the rest of the house and I grab my phone to illuminate my tea making journey. I try to not make any noice afraid that I will wake someone in the house. With gentle movements I finish my much needed tea and I take a seat at the table hoping the change of scenery will make me sleepy. I stare into the darkness and the memories of today flash through my mind. I squint my eyes and shake my head uncontrollably trying to erase them but I break down just as quickly. A flood of tears run down my face and I cant hold back anymore. I let all the tears fall giving up on my useless fight. I dont know how long I sit at the table just crying until I cant breath but I eventually stop. Once I do my whole body goes numb. I no longer feel my wet face or my shaking hands. I dont feel my broken and damage heart and most of all I dont feel the pain of my cheek or arms. I dont feel anything. On one hand I am thankful I have stopped crying but for a moment I contemplate if I am going crazy. It honestly feels like I am. I run my fingers through my hair which has been down since I showered and I try to hold on to something physical that will let me know I am still alive.
I struggle to get up from the chair finding that my legs have also gone numb. I do my best to make it to my bed before I collapse but on my way to my room I hear my phone go off with a text notification. I turn my phone to check who could be texting me this late and the thought of the girls checking on me crosses my mind. But when I look at the screen I cant believe what I see.
Hobi- "I'm outside" I do a double take not wanting to believe what my eyes are seeing but once I read it a third time I confirm I am not imagining things. Before I can reply or think about a reply he texts again.
Hobi- "I need to see you" his words make my mind race with many thoughts. What should I do? Why is he here? Why does he need to see me? Confused by everything in my head I fail to reply and he texts again.
Hobi-"If you don't come out I will come and get you" If I know him very well he will keep his promise and come find me. With that in mind I decide to do as he says before he wakes up everyone in the house. I head to the door without thinking anything further. My long uncombed hair and bruise the size of a baseball are things I completely miss when I pass by the mirror in my living room.
The outside cold air on my skin reminds me that I am in fact wearing an oversize hoodie as a dress. I contemplate going back in the house to put on a full outfit but once I notice the black SUV parked on my front porch I let my feet take over. I stop inches away from the car and for a second I am afraid to go any further. The SUV windows are tinted and I am not able to see who is inside which makes me hesitate if I should go any further. Less than a second passes by and the passenger window lowers enough that I can see inside. I bend down slightly and once I see him sitting in the driver seat my heart stops. Why does he always have this affect on me even on the worse situations? I try to clear my mind of the many unanswered questions and I walk closer to the car with the intention of just standing by the door to ask him to go home. I think he knows what I am thinking because he speaks before I can touch the door.
"Get in" he orders with a demanding voice and I cant help but flinch. I know he will not hurt me but my body still reacts. "Its really cold outside please get in" he says in a more calming voice and I think he noticed my odd reaction. He gives me a short smile and something I dont have control over makes me follow his order and before I know it I have my hand in the door handle.
I enter the warm car and it feels nice to not feel cold anymore. I stare at the street in front of me and I try to avoid looking at him. "Why are you here?" Is all I can think to ask and honestly thats the only valid question right now. Why would he be here after ignoring me earlier.
It takes him a few seconds to answer and before he does he lets a big breath out like he had been holding to it for years. "I needed to see you" he says and even though I cant see his face I can feel pain in his words.
"I dont understand" I say with my eyes fixed on the electric pole in front of me while I wait for him to speak again, but he doesn't. I start to think I should say something else but before I can speak I feel his hand gently grab my face. I flinch again and try to slightly pull away but he does not let go. He turns my head but I still dont look his way. I feel his other hand on my face and he lifts my head forcing me to look at him.
"I wish I could kill him" I hear him say under his breath.
"What?" I pretend to not understand him and I watch as his calm face turns to anger.
"Nothing" he comes closer and his anger dissipates.
He is so close that I can feel his breath on my face and for a moment all I can think about is how would it feel if he kissed me right now. Would it erase all the pain I feel? Would I forget about the world like I have all the times before? Would his one kiss be enough to cure my shattered heart? Even though I know a kiss is probably the furthers thing from his mind I still anticipate it when he moves even closer to me. He stares into my eyes for what feels like an eternity and I watch him as he inspects my face again and I know the kiss will never come.
"How bad does it hurt?" He asks looking at my bruise.
"It doesn't" I say and I realize I am being truthful. I dont know why but my face no longer hurts. Maybe I do know. Being here with him has been enough for me to forget about the pain.
"What did you parents say?" he asks while still holding our same positions. I take a deep breath not knowing how to answer that question. If I admit I haven't told my parents this might anger him but I dont want to lie. Not anymore and not to him.
"I didn't tell them, I hid my bruises with makeup" I say wanting to be honest but his reacting is exactly what I was expecting. He lets go of my face and pulls back and I know he is angry.
"Why did you not tell your dad?" he demands and judging by his voice he is no longer calm and he confirms my suspicions my grabbing the steering wheel so hard that I fear he could break it in two.
"It was an accident, I will just wait for the bruises to go down" I close my eyes knowing I have lied again.
"Yeah right an accident" he repeats and I wonder if he knows more than I think.
"I need to go back in before my parents wake up
" I say trying to avoid any more questions but when I reach for the door I feel him grab my hand as gently as he grabbed my face. The warm of his hand is all too familiar.
"I also came to ask you something else" he takes a deep breath and I turn to see him. He no longer looks angry and seems to be back to his normal self. "Everyone misses you at work specially the guys and I was wondering if you would consider coming back to work for us. Not just as my assistant but as the official assistant to all the members." I stare back at him surprised at his words but I dont say anything. "We can work with your current schedule and when we travel you can have the option of staying here if you have to. We can give you less hour since you are back in school but you will still get paid the same or even more since now you belong to the whole group" I process his words but I get stuck on "belong to the whole group" it doesnt get lost on me that those words were said different than the others. The words seemed to pain him and honestly they pained me too. For some reason all I could think is "I only want to belong to you". Of course I don't say those words out loud.
"I have to think about it" Is what I say and I see hope fill his eyes. Honestly its a pretty incredible deal. I would be able to help my parents and more importantly I would be around the guys again. I know my dad would not be happy if I decide to go back to work but I know we need the money. School is expensive and I feel bad for not being able to help pay for it.
"Everything else will stay the same, just like you wanted" he says and I know exactly what he means but I still ask pretending I dont know what he will say next.
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"You and I will only be a professional relationship" he says and even though I know this is the right thing his words still break my heart. Is this payback for my breakup call? The thought crosses my mind but at the same time I realize that this is what I wanted after all. I am the one who choose to break things off. I am the one that doesnt want this life. I am the one that knew once I let him go I was never going to get him again.
"Right" is all I can manage to say.
"When can we expect an answer?" he turns on the and I know thats my queue to exit the car. He is right things are back to how I wanted them. Did I ever really want this?
"Give me a few days to talk to my parents about it." I say turning to open the door and deep down I hope he will grab my hand again but once I am out of the car any hope goes away.
"OK what ever you decide please call Namjoon" I hear him say and I bend down to look in the car window for the last time. He looks back at me and for a second we lock eyes. For that second I let my eyes tell him everything my mouth wont say but his eyes are just as hard as the floor under me. I feel my eyes water and I look away before he can notice.
"Have a good night" he says and I bow my head in a goodbye. I put some distance between myself and the car and when I look back I notice the car is gone and with it my heart has left.
I go back in the house and find my bed before the tears fully run down my face for the million time today. While I stare at my ceiling I replay our conversation. I find a small glimpse of happiness knowing I will have the possibility of being close to my friends again and I go over all the perks Hobi talked about. The money will be a big help and knowing I could have a flexible schedule makes me smile between tears. I could still go to school and also be part of their lives. Another thought that crosses my mind is traveling and I am thankful I dont have to go overseas. I can barely handle Hobi for a few hours a day but I wouldn't be able to be with him 24/7. I dont think my heart could handle it. I could never run the risk of being that close to him for that much time. But it would be nice to travel the world in his arms and with that calming thought I find my much needed sleep.