He hadn't slept enough, of course he hadn't slept enough, and why didn't he ever fucking well sleep enough? He was so tired, so fucking tired as he dragged himself and his violin case through the con doors and up the stairs to his lesson with Sasha.
And why the fuck was his lesson so early this week anyway? He'd had to rush of course, to make it on time, so now he wouldn't even have time to warm up.
Fucking awesome.
He had been so anxious again, last night, the thoughts and worries swarming around in his head like buzzing mozzies he just couldn't swipe away. He just wished he were living with Brett already.
He always slept so much better when Brett was there.
Brett would be there after his lesson though.
"Good morning Eddy. Shall we start with a B major scale, today?"
He nodded as he unpacked his violin. Then he stood up, tuned quickly and tried his best to compose himself.
But to be honest, he knew he was fucked the second he put the bow on the strings. It shook harshly, and then it shook again. He blinked helplessly as Sasha looked at him with eyes that were way too kind.
"That's okay, Eddy. Just try it again. Put slightly less pressure on the bow, and increase your bow speed just a touch."
He nodded and tried again. This time the bow was marginally better, but there was no mistaking the bad intonation. He scrunched his eyes at himself and did it again.
Come on, you fuckwit. You can play a B major scale. Just get on with it.
The harshness of his own thought made him cringe more and he lowered his violin and took a deep breath.
"I... I'm sorry. I... I didn't get much sleep."
He knew it sounded like an excuse, like a miserable excuse, even if it was the truth, and Sasha was probably about to turn away from him in disgust.
He didn't, though. His eyes were still kind, and by now also slightly concerned.
"Does that happen a lot, Eddy?"
Wait, what? Shit, what had Sasha seen?
"Erm, well, yeah, I guess. But it's fine. I just... I just need to plan better, I guess."
"Eddy..." Sasha paused for a moment, seeming to weigh his words. "The stresses of this profession are very real. You have a lot of talent, but you can't just push away what they do to you. For now, but also later, when you're performing. It's something we all need to learn to live with."
Eddy blinked quickly. He knew, he knew that Sasha meant these words well, that he meant to build him up, but all he heard him say was loser, loser, loser. You can't deal. Everyone deals but you.
He wasn't about to talk about that with Sasha though, was he? He managed to nod with resolve and kept the tears down where they belonged.
"I will. Thank you."
The lesson seemed to take forever, and his playing didn't get much better either. It was torture, and the relief when the door opened and Natalia walked in wasn't even quantifiable in normal human measures.
"Hey." she said with a small smile. He smiled back.
"Hey."
"I'll see you on Friday, Eddy." Sasha said from behind the piano. "And don't worry too much, okay?"
Well great. Now Natalia would know he had been worried as well. That was just what he needed, for her to know and share with her friends. He managed to just smile politely, though.
"Thank you, Sasha. See you on Friday."
He almost flew out of the room. He couldn't go down to the cafeteria, no, that much he couldn't face. He walked quickly to the end of the hall and started up the deserted staircase as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and typed like lightning.
'Bretty? Meet me upstairs please?'
He didn't need to say anything else, he knew. Brett would come soon enough. He put his violin case down at the very top of the last stairs and sat down on the last step as the tears started to fall.