ALEX.
She felt long forgotten smell of Sirius in her nostrils, his gentle caresses on her body, his pleasant voice in her ear, which repeated again and again that everything will be fine, that everything has ended, nobody could do her any harm. Alex felt like she had returned in time and she was back in Hogwarts when everything was a little less complicated.
But she was here in Sirius's embrace, in the Order of the Phoenix headquarters, and Alex felt how everybody was looking at her. She felt too tired to talk or to continue to explain, she knew that there was still a lot of unanswered questions, but she just did not wanted to talk anymore. Not tonight. She just wanted to sleep for a couple of days.
Suddenly she jerked her head off Sirius's chest and realized what she was doing; she looked at Sirius and shook her head like trying to say that she does not understand what was happening. Her eyes traveled from one person in the room to another, until finally she looked at Noah who sat by the door, his head was in his hands, he looked devastated. Noah...
She wanted to cry again, but she suppressed that feeling, she looked back at Sirius, who still held her pressed against his body. Alex didn't knew what to do, his grey eyes were so familiar, but after everything that had happened last summer Alex didn't believed that Sirius can forgive her, or ever will.
Alex got out of his embrace and looked at everybody once again, she took her coat and scarf, "I know that you have a lot more questions, but I am so tired," she sighed, "I will answer and explain, I promise, but some other time." And she went for the doors.
They exchanged looks between themselves, tried to say something, to stop Alex, but she was already by the door, her hand on the knob, but then she felt how Noah touched her hand. She looked at him, guilt and sadness were written all over his face, but all that Alex felt right now was tears streaming over her cheeks for a countless time this evening.
She left the living room and rushed down the stairs, she put on her coat and scarf in a hurry. When she was outside, Alex realized that this October evening had surprised her once again. It was snowing outside, first snow of the year.
She walked on to the street and stopped, she looked around, and everything was so white and clean, and calm. The whole world seemed like in a bubble of peace as if snow could mask all the problems of the world. It was like a slap in the face because everything Alex saw was complete opposite of what was going on inside her.
She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate, apparating after full moon always was much harder than usual. But she heard people coming out of the house, she turned around. Everybody was standing in front of the headquarters. Sirius took a step forward and with a pleading voice said, "Alex..."
She looked into Sirius's eyes once again, and then looked at Noah who stood behind everyone, and shook her head, "Please not now." And she apparated away.
Alex realized that she had apparated to the town and not her home. She sighed and started slowly to walk home. Even here snow had covered all the ground making it beautiful and peaceful. It was late and nobody was outside. Alex let her tears fell down her cheeks; she could not remember when the last time she had cried that much was. But she had no more strength to control her emotions anymore.
Her hair was wet from snow, and her coat was soaking wet, but she did not hurry to get home. Somehow, coldness felt so familiar and necessary. It took much longer for her to get home than usual, but it did not mattered anymore.
She opened the gates and saw Noah standing by her front door. She stopped; Alex hoped that nobody would bother her this evening. She walked to the front door without looking in his eyes.
"Please, let me explain," Noah said quietly. Alex did not knew what to do. She wanted to hear his explanation, but also wanted to be left alone. Tonight everything was so complicated.
"Fine," she finally gave in, "come in." They walked inside, Alex took off her wet clothes and started fires in every fireplace, she was freezing.
Still without looking at Noah, she took two glasses from kitchen and went to her study, where she sat by the table and poured some firewhiskey. If she didn't had any potions for pain, then she needed to get by with alcohol.
Noah entered the study and sat across Alex, she finally looked into his eyes, they were ridiculously beautiful. She passed one glass to Noah, but drank hers all at once pouring in some more afterwards. She felt how whiskey burnt her mouth and throat, but it was fine at least it masked some of her emotional pain causing new physical ones.
"Please explain," she said looking at Noah, "everything." Noah looked so guilty, like a child who had been caught doing something that wasn't allowed. Alex waited.
"At the beginning of this year Dumbledore let me know that next to Order business," he started to explain, "I would have another task about which nobody can know. Dumbledore informed me that I will need to keep an eye out for very special person," Noah paused and looked at Alex. She did not say anything so he went on.
"At the beginning of February Dumbledore revealed to me that it was you who I need to look out for, he just wanted to know that you are alright and nothing more. I had no idea what had happened with you last summer or why you were so important to Dumbledore." Alex felt that Noah chose his words very carefully trying not to offend her.
"Before I met you," Noah continued, "I thought that you were some random witch which Dumbledore promised to look after, but he had no time for this task, or maybe you were not capable to take care of yourself, but..." he paused shaking his head, "when I met you I momentarily knew that I was wrong."
Alex did not liked that Dumbledore actually did not trust her fully, but she understood somehow why he had acted like that. She drank the second glass of whiskey while Noah had not even touched his. Firewhiskey slowly warmed her body, for a moment Alex felt how pain from the back lessened, but it was just the whiskey talking, she knew that much.
"Dumbledore said that I needed to contact him just in case something happens with you, but nothing happened, so I just continued to be somewhere near you," Noah looked down, he held a glass in one hand but did not drink it. He was in her life, not just near her; he had broken that promise to Dumbledore.
"I wanted to tell you everything, but I made a promise to Dumbledore," he confessed, he finally drank his firewhiskey and looked at Alex. "I really love you, that wasn't a lie," he said very quietly.
Alex felt that he was not lying, but she felt betrayed still. Silence fell between them; Alex poured another round for them. Alex once again felt tiredness in her bones and in her mind. She lifted the glass, but her hand was shaking, she changed her mind and put it back on the table.
Noah watched her but said nothing; he just waited how Alex would react. Alex realized that her feelings towards him was not gone, they were just a lot more complicated right now.
"Can you tell me who you are?" Alex asked calmly. "I mean in the wizarding world."
"I work at the ministry, I am an auror," he smiled weakly. Alex lifted her eyebrow, surprised about his answer. "I work with foreign wizards, that's why I am gone so much," Noah shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe that was the reason why Dumbledore asked me to look out for you, because I don't have normal working hours."
"How did you knew where I live?" Alex asked because she tried very hard not to disclose that information to anyone.
"Dumbledore told me when you bought this cottage," Noah said, Alex did not liked this answer at all.
"Right..." Alex said tiredly. "I need sleep," she stated getting up. She did not wanted to answer that dryly, but her body was too tired to function. She stood up but realized that she could not stand straight, she swayed and almost fell.
Shortly Noah was by her side, holding her by her arms not letting her fall.
"Sorry, but I didn't wanted to leave you without any explanation," he said very quietly. He touched her cheek very gently and smiled a little.
"This conversation is far from over and you know that," Alex noted.
Noah nodded; there were many things that they needed to talk through. Alex felt how her body was giving up, she turned to table and drank all the firewhiskey left in her glass, she groaned because pain in her back returned.
"Where does it hurt?" Noah asked still holding her by the hand so she would not fall over.
"Everywhere," and only then Alex realized that Noah knew about her lycanthropy. She turned her head and looked straight in his eyes afraid of what she might see there. But it seemed like he was just worried about her well-being.
"You now know everything," Alex said, "about what happened last summer and what I am." It was not a question but still she waited for some kind of answer.
"It changes nothing," he brushes a hair strand from her face and half smiled. "You still are the most wonderful woman I know," he added gently. "Now tell me how much it hurts?" he asked simply.
"I need sleep," Alex said and closed her eyes ready to fall asleep on the spot. She felt how Noah picked her up, Alex's head brushed against his shoulder and she felt how he was carrying her to bedroom like she weight nothing.
"Can you undress yourself or do you need some help?" he asked still holding her in his arms.
"I can manage," she replied. Noah gently put her down and shyly looked how she undressed.
Alex got in bed, Noah came to her and brushed some hairs away from her face, and he leaned in and kissed her forehead. He was turning to leave, when Alex grabbed his hand.
"Please stay," she said quietly. Now it was her turn to ask him to stay, and he obeyed.
SIRIUS.
When Sirius entered his apartment, he shut doors behind his back with pure force. Without even taking his coat off he plummeted on the couch and put his legs on the coffee table in front of him, he stared at the ceilings with empty look in his eyes. He was not expecting on seeing Alex this evening. Sirius was mad but he could not understand why or at who. He reached for a firewhiskey bottle and poured some in the glass. He put the bottle way to strongly back on the table, golden brown liquid spilled all over, but he did not care.
He drank the glass empty, firewhiskey burned his mouth, but that was what he wanted. He leaned in the couch and put his hands in coat's pockets. He felt his fingers grip little packet in his pocket. He played with it while his eyes looked at ceilings once again. Sirius closed his eyes, he had not been ready for anything that happened this evening, and everything that happened had changed everything.
He sat up straight, took his legs off the table, poured another drink, drank it, and took out of the pocket packet of cigarettes and put it on the table. Sirius rested his elbows on his knees and looked at the cigarettes. He had quit long ago, but today urge to start smoking again was very powerful. He took the packet in his hands and whirled it around, then he placed it back on the table.
He poured another drink and remembered how he wanted to go to Alex and shake her tired body, and demand answers to everything. He did not even cared how terrible she looked, because at that moment he was angry because she was back in his life again.
Voldemort's followers wanted to know anything about Sirius and Alex had not betrayed him. And she suffered for that. He was angry at those bastards which tortured Alex. These events changed a lot, because Sirius had thought all this time that Alex just had dumped him and wanted nothing to do with him. But the truth was completely different.
Sirius took off his coat and threw it to the other end of the couch, then he opened the packet of cigarettes and took one out. For a while, he just held it in his fingers, before he put it in his mouth and lit it with his wand. Sirius inhaled the smoke in his lungs and held his breath, quaint calm overtook his body. He exhaled, filling room with light blue smoke. Sirius sat on the couch and smoked, his eyes sadly fixed on the firewhiskey glass. How much his life had changed since the last summer.
He drank another glass of firewhiskey and laid down on the couch, he continued to smoke. What if he had waited for Alex to come back? Would it had changed anything? What if he had tried to contact her sooner? What if he had tried to find her sooner? What if...
Alex had gone through several hell's circles and came back. And nobody knew nothing about that. Sirius cursed aloud, oh, how this evening had turned out. He had tried to forget Alex, but just could not no matter how hard he tried, and now she was back in his life.
But she didn't belonged to him anymore, this wasn't his Alex. No matter how angry and betrayed he felt, Sirius still saw how broken she was, she was changed. It was not the same Alex that he had proposed to. This Alex was full of pain, tiredness and loneliness.
There was no warmth in her eyes which Sirius once loved that much. But still love for her was still inside him, he knew that he could never forget her. Despite everything she was the most wonderful woman on earth, she was the one and only.
Sirius stood up and started to pace around the living room, he drank some more firewhiskey. Finally, he started to feel a little drunk, but it changed nothing in his state of mind. He came to a sudden halt and grabbed his hair; he had remembered that Alex still wore their wedding band. But why would she do that.
He looked at his hands, he had not taken off his wedding band not for a day since he proposed to her, despite the fact that she had left him. At least he thought so. What if Alex had changed her mind and returned to look for him? What if she returned to say that yes she wanted to marry him? Did Alex still loved him and that's why she had that ring on her finger? But she wore it on the other hand like she was a widow.
Sirius wanted to scream and shout, so many what ifs, so many probabilities. He went to the bedroom doors and punched door isle with all his strength. He fell to his knees pressing his right hand to his chest. He felt the pain pulsating in his hand, right now he loved it, and right now he loved anything that turned his mind away from possibility that Alex could still love him.
He went to the kitchen and put his hand under cold running water. He groaned, cold water irritated the wound from which seeped blood all over the place. He looked at his shirt and vest; it was covered in blood. He took them off and placed his hand under the cold water waiting for blood to stop pouring out of his hand.
After a while, he returned to the living room, he sat down back on the couch and drank some more firewhiskey. He lit another cigarette and laid back on the couch. He filled living room once again with smoke, Sirius looked at the hand, which was still bleeding, but it was completely manageable. He put out the cigarette and stood up.
When he entered the bedroom, he lit another cigarette and sat on the edge of the bed. His head was spinning, he planned on smoking this cigarette and going to sleep, but then his plans were interrupted by a knock on the front doors.
MEGAN.
Sirius opened the door wearing only black fabric pants, his torso was naked. Megan couldn't look away from his chest and stomach muscles, she adored his body. It was shallow, she knew it, but still she could not look away.
Megan remembered what Sirius was like at the Hogwarts, all girls adored him, he was handsome as hell and no one could resist his amazing grey eyes and his charming smile. Sirius always knew what to say or do for the entire girls to fall to his feet.
And now he still was dangerously handsome, but different – he looked more grown up, his hair was way longer and he almost always had that five o'clock shadow. His eyes bore sadness, but still they were magnificently grey. Now he looked more like a man, not some schoolboy.
Sirius lifted his hand to drag a smoke from his cigarette, and then Megan realized that Sirius had started to smoke again, and that his hand was cut open still bleeding a little. She had come to visit at the worst time impossible, because Sirius had quit smoking almost a year ago, but at the first place he had started because he had broken up with Alex. His sudden urge to pick up this habit once again was very bad sign.
"It's a bad time," Megan stated. That was not even a question, it was just plain obvious. "Sorry," she apologized, because usually she warned him about coming over, or Sirius himself invited her. But today she thought to surprise him.
"Yes, I..." Sirius dragged another inhale of smoke, "I will tell you when..."
"No need," Megan interrupted him. "Alex is back, isn't she?"
They never spoke about Alex, if Megan did not knew anything, then she would never found out that Sirius was with someone. They would just started their affair at that bar, and she would know nothing about Alex.
But Megan knew because they all went to Hogwarts together. Megan had seen how much he loved her, and she him. That was beautiful love, the kind that Megan wanted for herself, but could not get. She knew too well that Sirius could not give her that, because he still loved Alex. And actually they were never together, they just occasionally slept together when one of them wanted physical closeness.
"Yes," Sirius simply answered. "I'm sorry."
Megan smiled sadly, she knew that this day would come - when Alex would return and Megan would be forced to finally understand that she was sick and tired of Sirius breaking her heart for a thousand time over the years.
"Yeah, you forgive me too," she said and handed him a bottle of firewhiskey. "Looks like you need it more than I do," Megan felt one solitary tear escape her eye.
"Good bye, Sirius," she said when he had accepted the bottle. "I wish you well," and for the last time she looked at him from head to toes, smiled and walked away to never return at this apartment.
NOAH.
He heard Alex coming towards kitchen, she still looked tired, she took her steps very carefully as if she was afraid that she might fell. Noah walked to her and helped her to get to the chair in the kitchen.
Alex tried to hide it but still Noah saw pain in her face. All of yesterday's emotions mixed in his head – shame, pain, broken heart, the fact that Alex probably loved Sirius, but he still didn't wished her any harm. Noah still was ready to do anything to protect her.
"I made some breakfast," he put a plate in front of her with full English breakfast and a mug of coffee. "And potion for pain," Alex looked at him and smiled with relief. Then she took the potion and drank it immediately.
"Thanks, but you didn't have to do that," she thanked.
"I don't want to see you suffer," he said quietly, "so I did have to do that." He smiled and sat by the table.
They ate breakfast in silence. Noah tried discretely to look at Alex but it was impossible, because Alex studied him too. They were in that awkward place where nobody knew how to act. Alex had found out that Noah had lied to her, and Noah had found out that he probably was not the only one she loved. But it wasn't cheating, it was just an damned old love which had never ended. And that was painful enough.
Noah had already decided what he needed to do, but he could not muster up a courage to do it. That's why they ate in silence, which was uncommon and just plain weird.
When they had finished Alex took away all the dirty dishes. Then she sat on the kitchen counter and gripped its edge with her hands. She bit her lip, Noah knew that it meant that she was nervous. Alex looked excessively tired for a young woman.
"Please tell me what you are thinking about," she silently asked, her forehead in frown, her look begging. One thing that differed her from all other woman was the fact that she always wanted to hear the truth no matter how painful it was.
Noah stood up and closed the distance between them, he stopped between her legs, took her face in his hands and looked in her honey brown eyes. Noah sighed; she truly was amazing. He leaned in and gently kissed her, she returned the kiss but it was not long.
Noah stepped away and leaned against the counter next to Alex. Now they both were looking outside the window to the sea. There was a silence for a moment, Noah could not figure out how to start a conversation he did not wanted to happen in the first place.
"I assume that yesterday was hard for you," he finally spoke, "to tell everything that had happened, what nobody knew, it must have been hard."
Alex did not say anything for a moment; she just looked out the window. Noah had a feeling that actually Alex did not wanted to talk about anything right now.
"Yes, yesterday was the day I dreaded since the beginning of February," she said quietly. "I never wanted to hurt my friends," she continued, "but I didn't knew how else to protect them. That's why I made them and myself suffer. It was selfish and unfair."
"I'm sorry," Noah put his hand on Alex's knee and looked at her.
"Don't be," she smiled sadly – oh, how he hated that smile. "You don't have to be sorry, those were my decisions, and now I have to live with the consequences."
"Looked like they will forgive you," Noah said trying to console her. "Don't worry; everything's going to be fine."
"Forgive me," Noah said after a while, his head hanging low, "Forgive me that I didn't tell you the truth about myself, that I didn't trust you enough to tell, forgive me that I hurt you," he looked into Alex's eyes, because he hoped to see there something that would make him feel better.
Alex pulled him closer, he stood in front of her once again, Alex hugged him pulling him more in, her embrace was tight, she understood the weight of his words, and she understood that Noah was hurting because he had hurt her.
"I love you," she whispered in Noah's ear, "I know that you are sorry." She stroked his hair, he pressed his face to her neck and did not wanted to let go. "Everything's going to be fine," now she comforted him.
"I love you so much that I don't know if it possible to love someone even more," he said by her neck. "I don't want to lose you, but..." Noah did not wanted to spoke the words that needed to be spoken.
He straightened and took her face in his arms once again, he saw tears in her eyes, and he could bet everything that he owned that Alex knew already what he was going to say.
"Remember when I told you that I don't want to complicate your life?" he asked still looking in her eyes where tears built up even more. She nodded and some of the tears escaped her eyes and ran down her cheeks, Noah wiped them away.
"It's still true, I don't want to do that," he continued. "That's why I want to give you time and space to deal with everything that's going on in your life. It doesn't matter how long it will take, or if you will even return back to me..." Noah felt something in his throat, but he fought back pain and tears.
"You don't complicate my life," Alex said through tears. "I don't know what I would do without you," she caressed his cheek.
He took her hand and looked at it; there was that black onyx stone ring on her ring finger. He touched it with his fingers, "I'm not going to disappear anywhere, if you need something anything just ask, I will help you anyway I can," he said with a pain in his voice.
"I..." Alex tried to say something.
"Do you still love him?" Noah did not need to say Sirius's name, they both knew about whom this question was asked. She sighed and closed her eyes; tears were falling down from her closed eyes.
"I..." she began but could not say it aloud; she just nodded in agreement. Then she opened her eyes and looked at Noah. "But I love you too," she said it as if she begged for something. Noah felt how that nod and these words hurt not only emotionally, but also physically.
"And that's the problem," he explained. "I don't want to share you with anybody else. And it is obvious that between you two there is still something unresolved, and you have to deal with it and I don't want to be in the way," the words were true, but they hurt both of them.
Noah was already turning away to leave, but Alex stopped him; she pulled him back and kissed. "Please stay," she begged in his lips, "just a little longer."
Noah did not wanted to stay, but could not resist Alex. But only a little longer, he thought to himself and returned her kiss. She wrapped her legs around his waist and slid her hand in his hair. After a moment, Noah was carrying her to the bedroom.