It's lightly drizzling when I get outside, but I don't care. I'm just glad to make it to my car before I start crying. Hot, angry tears stream down my face. I sit in my car for a moment to think through all that's happened.
Clay is angry. He's angry that we hid our relationship for so long, and he's angry that we never told him.
But at the same time, he shouldn't have told us that we weren't allowed to date. He should've let us be adults who make grown up decisions.
Heat rises over my thoughts of Clay. I have never been more angry at him than I am right now.
My anger pushes out the compassion I have for my old friend. We're supposed to be there for each other always, but we're also supposed to support each other's decisions.
But he's not supporting me, so I don't have to be there for him.
Right now, I need to find Nick. He didn't really get the chance to grab his keys, so his car is still here. He couldn't have gotten far on foot.
I drive slowly down the road towards the neighbor entrance. I can make out the shape of a figure sitting on the curb. I'd recognize that shape anywhere.
Nick.
I pull over and walk towards him. The drizzle of the rain starts to pick up.
"Hey stranger," I say as I walk up.
He doesn't respond. He sits there with his head in between his knees.
"Nick? You okay?" I ask, tapping his shoe with my foot.
He doesn't respond.
"Listen, I know that tonight was hard, but we'll figure this all out." I sit down next to him on the curb, "But the important thing is that it's out in the open now. And he's really angry now, especially with me after I bitch slapped him, but he'll come to his senses." I chuckle a little as I think of Clay's face when I slapped him before I say, "We can finally be together. Out in the open."
"No we can't," Nick whispers.
My heart stops for a second, "What?"
He sits up to look at me. "Listen, y/n, we screwed up."
"I know, but we-"
"No, we screwed up," he interupts, "We shouldn't have ever gotten together when Clay said no, or at least we shouldn't have done it secretly."
My body feels empty. No, this cannot be happening.
"I mean, why do you think we kept it a secret for so long?" he asks but doesn't expect an answer, "We both knew deep down that it wouldn't work once it got out. So maybe that's all it really was. A fun time, but one that had to be a secret."
No no no. That's not all it was. It was more. It was stolen kisses and borrowed time. It was hiding in plain site. It was happiness. It was a relationship.
We were supposed to share that with the world.
"I know it's hard," he sighs, "And this is all my fault, and now we both have to suffer the consequences."
"Nick," I whisper.
"We both know I don't want to do this," he says.
"Then don't do it." I say simply. We both don't want to leave each other. This is not how it's supposed to end.
"It's for the best." he says with no emotion.
This is not for the best. This is for the worst. I just messed things up seriously with Clay. We fought like we've never fought before, and I'm not entirely sure we can come back from that. I might've lost Clay forever, and that is going to hurt.
But now I'm losing Nick too? I'm losing the person that makes my life worth living? I'm losing the one person who can make me smile after a hard day by just being there? The person that makes me feel the most at home? I can't lost him.
And I sure can't lose them both on the same night.
"But I thought we were happy." I say quietly, "Why can't you see we were happy?"
"We were for a little, but you and I both know we shouldn't have lied to him. He's both of our best friends." he says, rubbing his eyes, "And I just.. I just can't let myself lose him over a girl."
Ouch.
I would've thought that I was more than just a girl, but apparently I'm not. I'm just someone not worth fighting for now.
"You don't have to do this," I reach out and grab his hand, "We can start over and do it right this time. Please, just don't leave me."
"I have to," he stands up from the curb, moving my hand off his.
"Nick," I whisper. My voice sounds thick from the tears. This is not happening. It can't be.
"Come on, let's get you to your car," he says quietly, offering me a hand.
I take his hand and stand up. We look into each other's eyes for a moment. We relive a couple of our favorite moments together in the quiet of the night. We share all the secret moments that belong to nobody but us. Moments that I will treasure forever.
After a minute, his eyes go cold.
My heart sinks. He can't be gone. He can't detach himself and leave me, right?
"I'll walk you to your car," he says, swallowing once.
"Do you need a ride? A place to stay?" I ask him, just hoping to have a little more time with him.
Hoping that if he spends a few more minutes with me that he'll change his mind.
Maybe he'll realize that we're perfect. Happy. Maybe he'll realize what he's missing out on, and change his mind
"I'll call an uber and get a hotel," he sounds as if he's cut all emotions that are related to me off.
And it hurts.
My whole body aches as I get to the car. My chest is tight and my legs are stiff.
I stop when I put my hand on the handle. "Are you sure?" I ask him, "Because if you have even a tiny bit of a doubt, then I want us to talk about it and figure every tiny bit of it out." I sound desperate, but I don't care. That's how I feel.
"I'm positive," he gives me a half smile.
My heart sinks. I get into the car door and I close the door.
I stare out the window, trying to process everything that just happened.
I don't press the gas. I don't check my mirrors. I don't use the windshield to wipe away the raindrops. I don't even start the car. I just stare out the front window.
I know Nick is still standing there, and he'll continue to stand there until I leave. He wouldn't let me stay here in the middle of the night, even if we're broken up.
Broken up. The thought is bitter in my head. I hate the sound of it. I hate that it's my new reality.
I glance out my window to where Nick is standing. He gives me another half smile.
"You should go." he says. His voice is muffled because of the window.
That's the second boy to tell me to go tonight. It seems to be a very popular phrase tonight.
I sniff once. "Don't make me do it." I say, not sure if he can even hear me.
"You have to,"
I look forward and turn the car on. I force my foot to press the gas. I watch in the rearview as the shape of a figure disappears.
A shape of a figure I know all too well.
I don't cry on the way home. I just focus on driving instead of the tightness in my throat.
I walk into my apartment emotionless. My eyes are puffy, and tiredness has taken over me. I think I might've lost all emotions at some point. The only thing I feel right now is empty. And that emptiness is loud..
I put the teapot on the stove for tea, and I check my pantry for some food.
I scan the shelves when I see Clay and Nick's favorite chips sitting on the middle shelf.
My whole body stops working.
The boys knew I wouldn't buy that kind for them, so they would bring them to store in my pantry. Just so they could always snack on them at my place.
I hate those chips. I've never liked the taste of them. I'm not even sure why. They're just not my favorites.
I start to sob. Fat, ugly tears stream down my face.
I didn't think it would end this way. I didn't think I'd end up crying on the floor over a bag of chips.
But it did. And I lost both of them tonight.
Clay, who is always there for me no matter what. The one that supported me whenever I was at my lowest. My best friend.
And Nick. The one who made me feel excited for every single day. The one that could make me feel safe just from one glance. My boyfriend.
The two people in my life that I never thought I'd ever have to live without.
And I lost them both in one night.
The tea pot is whistling, screaming at me to take it off the burner, but I ignore it.
I sit on the kitchen floor crying. I cry for two boys that I'm going to miss so very much. I cry for my best friend and my boyfriend. I cry because I lost them both. I cry because it feels as if I lost everything.
But mostly I cry over a stupid bag of chips that I will never eat.
.author's note.
im so sorry guys.. that hurt to write
<3
.word count.. 1578