As I looked up and met dad's eyes, he smiled so bright that it was starting to get creepy.
Dad ran too me and lifted me up before spinning us around.
"You did so good. My daughter, my daughter has the best score out of all of you. The least amount of time and made every shot and throw and on top of that she didn't get shot once." He mocked his brothers.
I laughed and hugged dad back.
The others didn't seem to care and were happy together with us.
Suddenly my stomach growled so loud that I could have sworn the house started shaking.
The others looked at me and then started laughing, my cheeks heated up and I hid behind dad.
"Is there another thing that we need to do today?" I asked
"training no, but we need to go shopping for our outfits for the mafia ball." Grandpa said coming closer now hugging me too. "Congratulations by the way." He said hugging me tight to him.
"Thank you, and at what time do we leave?" I asked after grandpa and I broke the hug apart.
Dad looked at his watch and then looked back at us, "In half an hour. Go shower and change and then we will leave. At the mall we will eat something first and then do the shopping." Dad said.
We agreed and parted our own ways, I went to my room and grabbed some clothes.
After doing that, I hoped into the shower.
I washed myself and my hair and after that turned of my shower and wrapped myself in a towel.
I dried myself and then changed into my outfit, I'm just wearing some casual clothes.
Some simple black ripped jeans with a brown sweater and some black doc martens.
As usual I grabbed a black mini bag and put on my jewellery.
I also made sure to have my gun in the waistband of my pants with my coat on top of it and to have my anxiety pills within reach.
I put a little mascara and lipgloss on, before walking downstairs.
Arriving downstairs, we waited for a few minutes until the others were done too and then walked to the cars.
———
We were now heading to the food court for some food.
I am pretty anxious by all the people and men here, but I have my gun and family with me, I can fight too, I'll be okay.
Knowing that, made me less anxious.
It was now around 12 so I had to eat and the others were hungry too.
They all decided to eat at McDonald's, I've eaten it once when we went shopping when I just got here so I know what it is.
And what it was, was not healthy.
Eating has been going better, but that's only with healthy meals and food sorts.
I am getting hungry now every day, so that's progress.
I can sort of eat everyday, but that's only for healthy food.
I don't know why, but eating something that isn't healthy makes me feel even more horrible and I can't eat it as easy as other kind of foods.
I think the getting more hungry definitely has been a result of working out more and stuff.
I have been getting some more muscle which is good, but eating unhealthy food makes me think that it will destroy it all, that I'll gain 50 pounds from just one bite and believing that is scary.
I know that I'll have to deal with this for the rest of my life though and I think I'm okay with that.
I'll always struggle with food, anxiety and self-harm.
It's not something you can just stop and forget about.
There will be better times and then there will probably be horrible relapses and bad days maybe even longer periods of times, and I made peace with that I think.
You know maybe I'll fall in an even deeper hole then I was and am now climbing out of, but even if I'm just hanging on one more tread, I know that my family will help me reach and build that rope again and help me climb out of it.
And I can't be more great full of them, without them I wouldn't be standing here today.
I really love them with all I have in me, I wouldn't survive without them, I need them, I love them.
I'll do anything to make sure that they are okay and safe and happy and much much more.
When we arrived in McDonalds, some of the cousins went and started ordering random stuff together.
While they were ordering, we were pushing some tables together so we could all eat together at the same tables, after that we settled down on the chairs.
Next to me sat Antonio too my right and Allesandro too my left.
My leg started bouncing up and down knowing what I would eat in about a minute.
Allesandro noticed and placed his hand on my leg but not before giving me some anxiety meds.
He pulled me into a sideways hug while waiting for the pills to kick in.
"What are you nervous or scared about?" He asked in a gentle tone.
"McDonalds, it's unhealthy, it's not good for your body. I'm going to gain a lot of weight of it. Eating healthy is sort of okay, but unhealthy food is scary and stuff on another level." I chocked out my answer, the anxiety so high that my throat was closing up so much that it was hard to talk even the slightest bit.
My closed throat made me scratch a bit at my it, looking for more air.
Allesandro stopped my hands from scratching open my throat and held me against him.
"Honey, breathe. In.....and out. Again..good job. Count to 10 with me okay. 1...good, keep going, 5,6,...good job. Breathe, deep breath together. In .......and out. Good" He cooed and helped me until I could breathe again.
"I know it's scary and that it is even more hard because of the unhealthy food, but we both know that one day you'll need to try it. You are growing, honey if you look back a month ago, than you can see that you're a different girl now. You are getting better and I'm proud of you either way. If you eat some even if it's a bite than I'll be proud and if you don't eat anything unhealthy now than I'll still be as proud of you as I am right now, nothing can change that. It is your choice, honey, it is up too you to decide. I love you, honey and I'm proud of you either way. " He said while tracing some circles on me, calming me down more.
Try
Just try.
"I'm going to try, but I can't promise anything Sandro" I said.
"You're trying honey, I can't ask for more." He said giving me a smile before giving me a kiss on the head.
The cousins that went and ordered the food now came walking back with what looked to be the entire menu multiple times.
Oh lord, please let this go well.