⚠️TRIGGER WARNING SENSITIVE CONTENT⚠️
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It's so cold...............wait........where am I? I try to open my eyes but they are so heavy, I look around but it's too dark to see anything. I lift my head and see that I'm laying ontop of someone.
Oh no.
Memories of sexy dancing with Zach come back, it's too dark to see a face. I lean in and see a familiar tattoo, I run my hand down his chest. I know these abs anywhere, thank god it's Hardin. I lean in and kiss his chest before I rest my head back down and wrap my arms around him.
"Tess?" His raspy voice calls out for me.
I close my eyes.
"I'm ok, go back to sleep baby." I say.
I feel his arms tighten around me.
...
Morning.
...
I open my eyes and the light hurts, I quickly screw my eyes shut.
Fuck.
I slide my hand across the sheets but the bed is empty, he's gone. I slowly sit up and hold my head, god I feel fucking awful. I feel like I'm gonna throw up, I quickly stand up and get light headed and stumble over and fall to the floor.
"SHIT!" I yell out.
The room door bursts open and Hardin walks in, he sees me on the ground and quickly drops to his knees and places his hand on my back.
"Are you alright? What happened?" He asks quietly.
"Yeah, I fell................my head hurts." I say softly.
"You drank a lot last night."
What?
"What? No I didn't." I say.
"Yes you did, I found you at a club wasted."
"I...........I can't remember anything, the last thing I remember was our fight and me leaving."
I cover my face with my hands.
"Come on, let me help you up." He says.
"Ok."
I place my hands in his and he helps me up, I immediately get the urge to vomit and I stumble to the bathroom. I drop to my knees in front of the toilet and start projectile vomiting.
"Jesus Tess."
He kneels behind me and pulls back my hair and holds it in one hand while he gently rubs my back with the other.
"Dont look.............I'm so gross right now." I say this before I vomit more.
Be lightly chuckles.
"Why........ are.......you.......laughing?" I say out of breath.
"Nothing, just deja vu."
I close my eyes and rest my hands on the ground.
"My head hurts so much." I whine.
"Are you finished?" He asks.
I nod my head.
"Yeah."
He places his hands on my hips and helps me stand, he walks me over to the sink and I lean on the sink. He fills a little cup with mouthwash and hands it to me, I rinse my mouth before I close my eyes.
"I'm in so much pain." I almost whisper.
He leans on the counter and tucks my hair behind my ear, I look up at him and that's when I see a huge bruise on his jaw. His bottom lip is ripped open and his knuckles have dried blood and scabs on them.
"Hardin.....................what the hell happened?"
I raise my hand to his face and he backs away.
"Don't, it's nothing." He says defensively.
"It's obviously not nothing, look at your face.............what happened last night, who did this?"
I get a shooting pain in my head.
"Tessa it doesn't matter about me, I'm fine."
He tries to walk out of the bathroom but I walk up to him.
"Hardin, I can't remember anything from last night..........please tell me what happened." I beg.
He sighs.
"Come on, I'll explain but you need to eat first."
"Fine."
"Go lay in bed, l bring you something." He says.
"It's alright, I can just go grab something myself."
"Tessa you were passed out on the floor, go lay down."
I scold him and he stares me down.
"Fine, whatever."
I walk back into the room and lay in bed, I look for my phone but I can't find it anywhere. I hate how I can't remember anything, but what happened to his face. Did I..............did I do that?
No, that's impossible.
I look at my hands but they look fine and my knuckles are fine, moments later he walks in holding a tray. He sits across from me and puts the tray down, he brought me cereal, toast, coffee and eggs. I forget why I'm mad at him for a moment, I look up at him and see that he's in obvious pain.
"I'm not eating until you tell me what happened last night." I demand.
He sighs, he turns away from me and sits on the edge of the bed with his feet on the ground and his hands in his lap, his back in hunched which is different because he usually stands with great posture. I'm sure he stands like that so he seems intimidating, but in this moment he's very vulnerable.
He cracks his knuckles before he look at the floor and closes his eyes.
"A few hours after our fight I got a call from Brain saying that............that you were getting drunk with Zach.......and that you guys were.....touching." He winces at his own words.
He screws his eyes shut as if he's in pain.
I suddenly get a flash of me grinding my ass against Zach.
Shit.
"I............I drove to the club to find you, I found Zach alone and I.............I roughed him up a bit but I..............I saw some old piece of shit carrying you out of the club, you were passed out and I............"
He gets very emotional and I hear him sniffle, he wipes his face quickly.
"I've never felt the way I did when I saw him carrying you............I ran after you and took you away from him, and I go so fucking pissed so I...............I almost killed him, he was barely breathing when I left him but he deserved it. He said he and his group of friends were gonna..................they were gonna................I can't say it."
He hides his face in his hands.
Oh my god.
"He didn't....................did he?" I ask nervously.
He quickly turns around and faces me.
"No, he didn't. If he had I would be in jail right now because nothing and I mean nothing would have stopped me from killing him. Not even you."
More tears fall from his eyes and he wipes them away before he looks away from me.
"In that moment, when I saw you not moving.......and his hands were touching you.......I wanted to die because I swore I would never let you get hurt. That's why I look like this, if it weren't for you stopping me I would have killed him then and there."
"I stoped you?" I question.
"Yeah."
I stay quiet, I play with a few strands of my hair.
"Thank you for saving me."
He shakes his head.
"Don't thank me, I'm the reason this happened. You drank because of me, you went through all this because of me."
"Hardin don't blame yourself, it was my choice to drink. No one forced me too, I just can't believe this almost happened again."
At this point I start to cry, why does this always keep happening to me. He slowly turns around and looks at me, his tear filled eyes and bloody bruised face pull at my soul and I have to keep reminding myself that I'm mad at him.
"Why is it always me?" I ask in broken sobs.
He shakes his head and when he closes his eye a tear streams down his cheek.
"I don't know baby, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there, and I'm sorry I made you feel the need to drink and leave. And I know you don't forgive me, and I know I've apologized so much that you probably don't believe me."
I scoot over to the edge of the bed and sit next to him, we both look at each other. We slowly slide our hands closer and closer to each other on the bed, I look down at his hand and see rips and dried blood and bruises. I look at my bare hand and see the beautiful contrast between us, it's light meets dark, calmness meets destruction, a beautiful chaotic mess.
I look up at him, I slowly raise my hand and gently run my finger over the cut on his lip. His eyes close and his body softens, I place my other hand on his chest and he quickly opens his eyes and looks down at my hand before he looks up at me. He places his hand on top of mine on his chest, I slide closer to him.
"I forgive you." The words roll off my tongue.
I'm still tipsy and I feel awful and I probably look like the mess that I feel inside, but what I'm saying is true. I do forgive him, I know I shouldn't, I know I should give him hell for what he did, for how he just left. How he accused me of cheating and how he said so many awful things to me..............but the sad truth is that I don't care. I love him, it's scary how much I love him, really. I scare myself by how easily I'm won over, and I know that he promises this is the last time he'll do something like this but I know thats far from the truth. But I don't care.
"What?" He asks with confusion.
"I forgive you." I say again.
He shakes his head.
"No." He says.
"No?"
"You can't forgive me, not anymore."
He stands up but I take his hand in both of mine, he turns and looks down at me.
"Please don't leave me again." I beg.
He slowly sits back down.
"Tessa......" He says.
"No Hardin, you don't get to make decisions for me. I'm choosing to forgive you because I love you."
"Tess.."
"No, you saved me Hardin. Not just last night, you've saved me so much. And I love you."
"But I hurt you, all the time all I do is hurt you. All you do is love me Tess...........and all I do is hurt you. I just can't keep doing this to you, I can't."
I never thought that we would admit this.
"Hardin......."
"It's the truth, we all know it. I don't deserve you Tessa."
He looks down at the floor.
"Please look at me." I ask him gently.
He slowly turns to face me, I place my hands on his face and wipe away his tear.
"Don't you think what we have is worth fighting for?" I ask.
"Of course I do, Tessa I love you so fucking much. You know I love you, but this isn't fair to you. For you to have to put up with me, and all my shit. You were right when you said that I take out all my problems on you, and my family issues. Tessa I can't keep doing this, I love you too much to keep hurting you. That's why I left you before, but..............but the problem is that I.........I can't live without you. I love you so much and I want you more than anything."
Gosh.
"I can't live without you either Hardin, and I know we fight a lot and we have problems but every relationship does. But I refuse to give up on us, I refuse to give up on you because Hardin you deserve to be loved and to be happy. I know we can make it, we have to try."
He slides closer to me and takes my tiny hand hand in his and laces his cut up fingers with mine, he kisses the top of my hand.
"You're too good for me." He whispers.
"I'm really not...................I did something bad, and I feel so guilty. I was just so upset and lonely, it's doesn't excuse what I did but..........but I still did it." I admit.
He looks at me.
"I did something bad too." He says so quiet I almost don't hear him.
He keeps his gaze fixed on my hand in his lap, he grazes his thumb over my fingers and traces the creases between my knuckles. He traces my nails and focuses on my chipped black polish.
"I was flirting with Zach last night, I don't even know why...............I just wanted attention and I knew...I knew that I would get it from him. And we................we danced and I.............he spit a shot in my mouth and he touched my thighs. I'm sorry."
I expect him to storm out but he doesn't, his body does tense up and I see his facial expression change. His jaw locks and his eyebrows scrunch.
He flips my hand over and traces a heart in my palm, he traces the creases in my hand.
"I almost had sex with someone." He says.
My heart stops for a moment and I get nauseous at the thought of someone else touching him.
"Oh." Is all I say.
"I couldn't, I didn't want to have sex with her. I compared her to you, I compare everyone to you because in my eyes you are the most perfect woman in the world. And no one will ever compare to you, I didn't want to sleep with her. Just the thought of touching her made me want to vomit and picturing us together in bed made me so uncomfortable and...........dirty. I just couldn't, she kissed me and I........I regretted it so much. And I feel like shit all the time, and everything I see reminds me of you. I'm lost without you and I end up making bad decisions."
Looks like we both aren't innocent which makes me feel a bit better about my "moment" with Zach, I know I can't get mad because I cheated as well but technically we were broken up.
"We were broken up............I mean you left me a note saying we were over. You weren't in a relationship so you don't have to feel bad." I tell him softly.
"Of course I have to feel bad, I know I left a note "breaking up" with you but........."
"But what?" I ask.
"I'll always be yours Tessa, I could never be with another person. And I know it's fucked and possessive but, but you're mine."
He looks at me.
"I know I am, and I wouldn't want it any other way."
He faintly smiles, he looks back at our hands.
"You're so beautiful and.............pure." He says.
That's random.
"I'm not pure." I say awkwardly.
"Yes you are, look at me. Look at your skin on mine, it's like............it's like we don't belong together."
"I wouldn't want anyone else to be the one I love, I wouldn't want anyone else to make love to me, to touch me, to be a shoulder I can cry on, to kiss me.............it's you Hardin, it's always gonna be you."
I look out the window.
"We have a lot to talk about." I say.
"I know." He says.