Silence Five
I woke up to the sound of my cat hissing and growling. My eyes were heavy lidded as I forced it to open.
"Ming," I croaked as I got out of bed.
Lumubog na ang araw, pinaghalong lila't asul ang sumakop sa kalangitam. Nakatulog ako matapos maglinis ng bahay. Ngayon lang ako nagkaroon ng oras dahil weekend.
Turns out, the reason why my cat has been hissing is because of the knock on the door. He tends to be like this. Be on guard when someone's on the door.
Pinihit ko ang door knob at lumitaw sa harapan ko si Noah. He's in his gray hoodie and sweat pants. He casually stood in front of my apartment, not the usual formal stance he has at school.
He removed the hood from his head. His hair got disheveled due to the act.
I lifted my finger to point at his sweat.
"P-pawis po kayo s-sir," saad ko.
Kumunot ang kanyang noo at nagtaas ng kilay.
Tumikhim ako. "I mean... Noah."
Nag iwas ako ng tingin sa kanyang mata dahil pakiramdam ko'y may mga muta pa ako dahil sa sobrang himbing ng tulog ko.
"Just checking, in case you forgot about our apppointment," aniya habang ipinupunas ang sleeve ng kanyang hoodie sa noo.
He made it sound like it's formal, but not really. I'm just coming over to his place to demonstrate how I'm going to teach on Monday. He said it would help if I practiced my public speaking, and he volunteered to be my pretend student. I'm not sure if I'd call that volunteering, he made it an assignment. I don't really have much a choice.
At hindi ko rin alam kung makakatulong nga ba talaga siya sa akin. Teaching in front of the class is one thing. But doing it in front of him is another. He's more intimidating than all sections combined.
"N-naalala ko," I swallowed.
I didn't. Otherwise, I wouldn't have slept.
The side of his lip rose. He quirked a brow amusingly but didn't say anything.
"P-pero... sana naligo ka muna bago ka... pumunta rito," I made it sound so bad that color rushed to both my cheeks.
"I will. Dumaan lang ako rito dahil galing na rin naman ako sa labas," tugon niya sabay dumiretso sa sariling apartment.
Kumaripas ako papuntang banyo upang maghilamos ng mukha. Nagsuklay na rin ako ng buhok dahil nakalimutan ko nang gawin ito matapos maligo dahil nakatulog ako.
I grabbed my laptop for the powerpoint presentation. This has been with me since college days.
Agad na sumunod sa akin si Ming, Ayaw niyang naiiwan mag isa sa loob ng apartment. Siguro naman ay papayag si sir Noah na kasama ko ang pusa.
Bumuntong hininga ako bago pumunta sa katabing apartment unit.
With hands damp and shaking, I slowly lift my fist to knock on his door. Umatras ako at niyakap ang aking laptop habang naghihintay na pagbuksan ako.
Napako ang mata ng pusa sa bandang kanan kaya sinundan ko kung saan ito nakatingin. A calico cat was at the end of this floor's corridor. She approached us in an almost turtle like pace. I say she's a she because she has a belly bump. She's pregnant.
Sinalubong siya ng aking pusa sa gitna. I almost raised a brow at this... affair.
"Ysabelle."
My head immediately turned to the voice. Nakasabit sa leeg ni Noah ang puting twalya habang pinupunasan niya ang kanyang buhok.
Noah's voice also caught my cat's attention, but dismissed it sooner than expected and got back to his own business with the female cat.
Noah's wearing a navy blue shirt and a khaki shorts.
Ibinaba ko ang mata sa suot ko. I'm wearing custard yellow and a black pajama with mini bears printed on it.
I nibbled my lip as I asked. "Should I change clothes?"
"That won't be necessary," sagot niya. "Come in."
I stepped inside the apartment. Hindi na ako umaasang makakita ng bago dahil dati naman itong apartment ni Archie.
The place looked more like a home. There are furnitures, tables, sofa, television and hanging lights. It's neater than before. Noong kay Archie ay mukha itong bodega, yon nga lang ay tinutulugan at inuuwian.
On a nordic wood tv stand displays a fifty inch flat screen smart television. Sa tapat nito'y may grey na three seater fabric sofa. Mayroong guitar pick shaped center table sa pagitan ng telebisyon at ng sofa. Under the center table is a white carpet with minimal patterns. On the farther side of the room is a scandinavian minimalist style dining table set.
The click of the door when it closed snapped me out of my admiration of his apartment.
Natigilan siya nang mapansin ang bigla kong pagkaalarma.
"I'm sorry. Nasanay lang ako na nagsasara ng pinto," pagpapaumanhin niya. Binuksan niya muli ang pinto. He reached outside the doorway. When his hands went back in, it wasn't empty. His hand held the body of a medium sized plant pot. He placed it in front of the door to keep it from closing.
He lifted his gaze, smoky dark probing eyes searching mine.
"Better?" he asked with genuine concern for my consent, no sarcasm intended.
I nodded quietly and stood still in the middle of his place. Sitting without him inviting me to sit is rude. Placing my things on the top of one of his tables would be invasive.
"Yellow doesn't fit you," I muttered softly.
His walls are yellow, tulad noong si Archie pa ang naninirahan dito. Tingin ko'y mas babagay ang puti sa mga furnitures niya.
Nakapamewang na siya ngayon habang inililibot ang tingin sa kanyang mga pader.
"No?" he curiously echoed.
I didn't respond.
"I was planning on painting anyway. Get your presentation ready," he gestured to his dining table where I can place my laptop.
I hurried to his dining and opened my laptop. At dahil nakasleep lang naman ito ay hindi ko na kailangang maghintay ng matagal. I entered the password and the presentation appeared.
Hinila niya ang isang silya at inilayo ito ng kaunti na para bang studyante talaga siyang makikinig sa akin.
"Good morning ma'am Ysabelle," bati niya sa baritonong boses. Imbes na magtunog studyante tulad ng nakasanayan ko ay pakiramdam ko nasa isang business meeting kami at magpopropose ako ng kung ano.
I chuckled awkwardly.
"Good evening na hindi ba?" sa bandang huli ng pangungusap ay unti unting humina ang aking boses.
"Well, we are pretending to be at school, so..." he put his right leg over his left. "You may proceed."
"I'm not sure if students are supposed to use that tone," I argued.
He sighed and massaged his temple.
I pouted.
"Fine, I'll shut up now," aniya.
Right when I was about to open my mouth, my cat entered the apartment like an uninvited guest making a surprise entrance.
"Naku sorry sir! Baka makaabala," I made a step to get the cat out when he touched my wrist.
He smirked. "Stop trying to delay and make this longer, ma'am Ysabelle."
My eyes slightly balled because of how he held me.
Nagpumiglas ako sa kanyang pagkakahawak. I held my throat that seemed to close up at the same time that my breathing paused.
I took my place beside my laptop and started flashing my first slide.
"L-last Friday..." I tried hard no to gulp. I feel like my throat went dry. "I asked you to... do an advanced reading about the uhm..."
"Alright," Noah interrupted.
I nervously looked at him, seeking for his opinions.
"Don't clasp your hands together as if you're a student," he shook his head. "You're not reciting to them, you are teaching them. You know your material."
"Okay," I responded and mindlessly started playing with the pen in my hand.
"Give me the pen," he extended his hand, reaching for the pen. "In public speaking, you need to be steady. No playing with your ID or pen. No excessive hand movement. It's distracting."
I stood like a statue from where I'm standing.
"Ganito po sir?"
And for the first time since I met him, he laughed. Like really cackled.
I glanced away, my face flushed and hot in embarrassment.
With a beaming face he said. "I didn't say you can't move your hand. Just don't make it excessive. If not necessary, then don't. You can do it occasionally, but not the entire discussion."
"H-how can I... be confident?" I played with the mouse pad of my laptop.
"Teaching is your passion isn't it?" he asked in return.
"Hmm..."
"Recall your purpose. Why you choose to stand in front of the students and teach. If you treat it as work you have to get over with, it'll be natural for you to feel nervous. But if you're doing this because of all possibilities you might open for your students, it won't necessarily remove your fright, but it will motivate you to keep doing it and have courage," he crossed his arms.
"Kahit na ganoon ang mga ambisyon ko, I can't improve over night," I answered.
"So you practice," he returned.
"How?"
"That's why I'm here," his eyes pierced through me as he uttered the words.
Warmth zipped through my heart. My chest felt like it's about to explode.
"B-bakit ako? Why help me?"
"Becuase education needs educators like you," he responded straightforwardly. "One who sees our job's essence. If trained well, I know you'll be able to build capable learners."
Wala na akong ibang naging reaksyon kundi ang pag awang ng aking bibig.
"Do continue," he instructed.
I felt obligated because he trusts me. I proceeded to the next slide. "Ayos lang po ba na magkamali, s-sir?"
"I have all night. I'll patiently guide you," he reassured.
Then I started discussing elements of poetry. It felt silly discussing elements of poem to someone who probably already knows this.
By the end of the presentation, I got disappointed that it's not even close to good teaching. He pointed out things I could improve on.
"Just keep practicing. Pwede mong ulitin mula sa simula," aniya nang matapos ang presentation.
"Mas mabuti sigurong sa studyante ako magsanay?" hinilot ko ang aking batok. "Naiintindihan niyo naman po ito. Kaya hindi ko alam kung talagang may matututunan ang studyante kung ang pinagppractican ko ay yung taong may alam na."
"I didn't know about blank verse, " he said as a matter of factly.
Halos mapasapo ako sa noo dahil sa sagot niya.
He reviewed my lesson plan as well as my powerpoint that night. I repeated the discussion three times in front of him. Three times is not enough to improve. I'd say my confidence level increased by zero point one. Barely anything, but still something.
Nag aya na sumimba si Thelma kinabukasan. Relihiyoso si Bryce kaya hindi pumapalya sa pagpunta sa simbahan. Naiimpluwensiyahan niya na rin ang aking kaibigan kaya ako naman ay hinihila rin ni Thelma.
Gamit ang kotse ni Bryce ay pumunta kami ng robinsons dahil nasa loob noon ang victory. Doon sumisimba si Bryce at Thelma. I'm a believer but I'm not as effortful as them. I go to church whenever I can, which is rare. I think I should be reconnecting with my faith.
It was just a seven to ten minutes drive. Malapit lang ang mall sa tinitirhan namin.
Sana pala ay nag long sleeves na lang ako. Halos mamanhid na ang balat ko dahil sa sobrang lamig. Pakiramdam ko'y ikinulong ako sa ref ng magdamag. Plain t shirt na puti ang suot ko habang sa pang ibaba naman ay light blue belted jeans.
"Ysabelle, ano na nga?" pangungulit sa akin ni Thelma. She's been flooding me with text messages and has been asking me nonstop when we see each other, since sir Noah talked to me at school.
"Tuturuan niya lang ako kung paano magturo, yun lang!" sagot ko sa mababang boses dahil nagsasalita ang pastor."Actually hindi naman niya ako tuturuan. Ang sabi niya lang, and I quote, 'you know how to teach, you just don't know how to deliver it'."
"And?" her hand rotated clockwise, urging me to elaborate further.
"There's nothing to tell," nagkibit balikat ako.
PInaningkitan niya ako ng mata. "Duda ako. Kilala kita ano? Walong taon na tayong magkaibigan. Kabisado kita head to foot."
"If you're going to church, aren't you supposed to give your undivided attention to Him?"
Ngumiwi si Thelma.
"Ang galing mo don ha. Ano ka? Bumubulong kong konsensya?" she laughed softly.
Nagring ang cellphone ko habang papalabas kami ng Victory matapos ang Sunday service.
"Ma'am Ysabelle, good am po," bati ni Mrs. Candelaria mula sa kabilang linya. Mayroon akong halos benteng missed calls mula sa kanya.
"Mrs Candelaria, pasensya na po at ngayon ko lang nasagot ang tawag niyo. Kagagaling lang po kase ng simbahan," paliwanag ko.
"Ysabelle, gusto mo ba nung mr softy? Libre ni Bryce," turo niya sa nobyo sabay palakpak.
Itinaas ko ang palad ko upang ipaalam sa kanya na mamaya ko na siya kakausapin dahil abala ako sa pakikipag usap kay Mrs Candelaria.
"Ma'am, si Neil kase nung nabitawan niyo sa pagtututor, parang hirap na hirap nanaman sa eskwela. Nag iimprove na siya noong summer eh. Kaya lang ngayon, hindi maganda ang performance niya sa unang buwan pa lang ng pasukan. Kung pwede sana eh bumalik ka po sa pagtututor sa anak 'ko."
Tumango ako kahit na hindi naman kami nagkikita.
"Sige po, ma'am! Willing po ako," I answered with enthusiasm.
"Kaya lang ma'am, hindi lang sana sa English. Lahat sana ng subjects niya, ayos lang po ba?" dugtong niya.
Natigilan ako nang sandali at napatitig sa mgafood stalls sa tapat ng grocery.
"Babayaran ko naman nang mas malaki kaysa ibinabayad ko sa'yo noong bakasyon," Mrs Candelaria negotiated.
I ended up saying yes. Mapagkakakitaan na rin 'yon kaya bakit pa ako tatanggi? Kaya lang ay madadagdagan ang gawain. Mas maraming lesson plan at pagreresearch. I seriously need a stable wifi. Kaya lang ay hindi naman sa akin ang apartment. At hindi ko rin
"Guys, umayos naman kayo! Zumba na nga lang, madali lang steps tapos ayaw pa magparticipate!" sigaw ni Sarah, siya ang nagchoreograph ng ipeperform nila for the zumba contest.
Nakapaikot ang upuan sa gilid ng room. Thirty minutes akong nagdiscuss ng topic, ang natirang thirty minutes ay ibinigay ko sa kanila para magpractice.
Medyo effective ang pagppractice ko nitong nakaraang araw. Minsan ay hindi ko na nagagawang makipagkita kay Noah para sa mentorship na sinasabi niya dahil dagdag na sa schedule ko sa buong araw ang pagtututor.
"Oo nga! Ayaw niyo bang magkaplus sa PE? Magyayabang nanaman kabilang section pag natalo tayo," segunda ni Elaine.
Nakadekwatro lang ako sa upuan sa tabi ng pinto para masiguradong walang magpapalabas labas.
"Ralph! Gascon!" saway ko sa dalawa."Tama na ang pagpapaaircon, makipagcooperate sa classmates."
"Kabisado na namin yung step ma'am," hinawi ni Ralph ang kanyang buhok upang mapahanginan ang kanyang noo.
Lumingon si Gascon sa mga nagppractice. "Girl in the mirror ba naman piniling kanta. Ano kami? Titas?"
"Epal!" pambabara ni Elaine mula sa pwesto niya. "Remix naman ginawa namin eh. Hindi lang girl in the mirror ang kanta. Kung nagppractice ka kase dito."
"Hoy bibig mo, andito si ma'am," ani Ralph.
"Tara na nga,pre! Iiyak nanaman 'to mamaya si Sarah, mapapatagal nanaman dismissal naten," pilit na tumayo ang dalawa at pumunta sa kanilang pwesto sa formation.
Sarah's middle finger hanged in the air.
"Nine Bonifacio, manners!" saway ko sa kanila. "Boys wag nang iniinis ang mga kaklase niyo. Sige ito deal natin. Kapag nanalo kayo, exempted kayo sa quiz natin sa English."
It only took one deal to get them moving.
"Kung kanina niyo pa sinabi maam kanina pa kami tapos," anang mga studyante sabay ayos ng mga linya at formations.
Isinandal ko ang ulo ko sa pader habang nagpapatuloy sila. Nanahimik ako't pumikit. July pa lang ay napapagod na ako. May mga araw na hindi na ako nakakatulog dahil ginagabi na akong umuwi dahil sa tutee ko. Tapos sa gabi pa lang ako makakagawa ng lesson plans at visual aids.
Binibigyan ko ng free time ang mga studyante ko dahil medyo ahead kami sa schedule ng curriculum. Kaya medyo binabagalan ko ang pagdidiscuss. Mabuti na lang at sumaktong kailangan nila ng free time para magpractice sa nutrition month event.
Bumukas ang pinto sa tabi ko kaya umilag ako. Tiningala ko ang dumungaw sa pintuan.
"Ma'am, ilang minutes daw po yung duration ng zumba?" tanong ng taga kabilang section.
"Five minutes minimum tapos seven minutes maximum," tugon ko. "May klase kayo ah. Bakit nasa labas ka? Absent ba teacher niyo?"
"Si sir Noah po teacher namin. Binigyan po kami free time. Nahihiya po ako magtanong kay sir kaya kayo na lang po pinuntahan ko," she gave me a small smile. "Sige po ma'am thank you po!"
Pinigil ko ang pagsasara niya ng pinto dahil lalabas din ako.
"Lauren take charge, magcomfort room lang ako," habilin ko kay Lauren, ang class president at dahan dahang isinarado ang pinto.
Before I can make it to the stairs, I caught sight of someone's presence. It's Nicholas Vasquez from nine Rizal.
His knees were apart while he sat on the stairs. He blew breaths on his palms which are covering his mouth. He made his right leg shake up and down repeatedly. Hinila niya nang bahagya ang kanyang buhok at inilagay ang kamay sa dibdib habang tumutulala sa kawalan.
I know these signs. His hand and leg must feel so cold.
Dahan dahan akong lumapit sa kanya nang kalmado
"Mr Vasquez," sambit ko. "Do you want water?"
He voicelessly declined by shaking his head. I sat beside him but did not touch him. I don't like being touched during attacks. He might be more anxious if I do.
"Breathe," I instructed. "Slowly."
At first he wasn't responsive. Then I started doing breathing exercises which I do during my panic attacks.
"How do you feel?" I continued breathing.
He lightly tapped his chest and tugged the collar of his uniform. Gradually, he started breathing in sync with me.
"Do you want to remove your suit? Itira mo na lang ang inner blouse mo," I suggested, still composed.
Masyadong mainit ang school uniform kaya hindi ito komportable para sa kanya.
He started unbuttoning his suit, with hands trembling. Now he's in his white blouse.
I'm torn between leaving him here to get a fan or stay here and accompany him. If he chose to go outside at the sign of his panic attack, then he doesn't want anyone to know.
Ma'am Hilda who used the stairs we are on peered oddly at us.
"M-ma'am pwede po bang mahiram ang pamaypay niyo?" kinapalan ko na ang aking mukha para sa studyante.
Ma'am Hilda reluctantly closed her fan and handed it to me.
"Why? What's wrong?"
Hindi ko siya sinagot. Pinaypayan ko si Nicholas para mas magkahangin siya.
"Uh... pwede niyo po ba siyang samahan muna ma'am?" walanghiya kong habilin.
Still puzzled, she nodded. "Does he have asthma?"
I shook my head and ran to where my feet lead me. It's in front of nine Rizal's door, where sir Noah's in.
I knocked repeatedly.
Sir Noah had a serious face when he opened the door. He looked ready to scold someone but stopped when he saw it was me.
"Yes, Ms Castillo?"
"Nicholas Vasquez," I blurted out.
"Why? What's wrong?" This is the first time I saw sir Noah lose composure and look alarmed.
"He... needs help," tanging nasabi ko na lang.
Noah came with me without thinking twice. He took big steps to get where Nicholas was.
"Nicholas,"
"I'm fine sir," aniya kay sir Noah. "No need to be concerned."
"I'm your kuya, of course I'm concerned," kunot noong umpo si Noah sa tabi ni Nicholas. Hinagod niya ang likod nito. Mas nilakasan ko ang pagpaypay.
"Calm down. The last thing he wants to see is another person panicking. Be calmer than he is," I muttered lowly between the two of us before I put distance because he's too near.
"Ibalik mo na lang sa akin mamaya ang pamaypay ko. May klase pa ako," paalam ni Ma'am Hilda bago tuluyang umakyat.
Natigilan ako sa kaalaman na magkapatid si Nicholas at si sir Noah. Of course they are! How did I miss their resemblance and identical surnames? I should've connected the dots!
"You're fine," he reassured Nicholas. "I'm here. Everything's in control. Just breathe. We're here."
Minutes later, he calmed down. He let out a long breath of relief.
"We should go to the clinic," suhestyon ni sir Noah.
"I'm fine. Nothing's wrong with me," tanggi ni Nicholas.
One thing they have in common, they rarely use Filipino language. Nakakadugo ng ilong makipag usap sa kanilang dalawa.
"I should go, we still have next class, kuya," saad ni Nicholas.
"I'll excuse you in your next subject."
Nicholas stubbornly turned him down. "And get talked about and laughed at? No thanks. See you later."
Ginulo ni Nicholas ang kanyang buhok at isinuot ang suit at naglakad papalayo na parang walang nangyari.
"Thank you," sir Noah voiced.
I looked up at him and nodded.
"I'm glad I was here," I replied.
Kung walang iintindi sa amin, kaming mga nakakaranas na lang ang iintindi sa isa't isa. Like calls to like. We'll be there for each other.