November 3, 2020
Sun-Hee POV
My days have changed so much in such a small amount of time and I don't know how to feel about it. I want to say that the last two months have passed really fast but I would be lying. They have been the longest months of my life. I have done everything possible to stay busy but it does not work. I got into a small art school to make up for lost time and I have signed up for all my required classes, all at the same time. Of course that has not helped in moving time faster. Nothing I do moves time faster and every second is filled with an inexplicable pain. I would say thats its unbearable but I can't say that. Every moment around my family reminds me of why I am going through this.
My dad has gone back to work and he seems to be doing amazing. His schedule is crazy and has been working non stop. But when he is home he makes sure to spend as much time as possible with Jun and I. The attitude change has done great things for our family. My mom has gone back to painting and has even sold a few of her paintings to some of our neighbors. We are all very proud of her specially dad who seems to brag about her to his coworkers. Their relationship seems to be heading to a good place and seeing dad gush over his wife is the only good thing in my life right now.
My home is back to being filled with laughter and warmth which ironically is the total opposite of how I feel inside. In the small moments where the pain seems to subside I am met with no feelings at all. For that moment my heart is an empty hole and nothing fills me. Not family, friends, dance, food, tv nor music. Music which use to be my place of escape has become my burden. I can't listen to any song without thinking of him. The last time I was able to fully finish a song was about a month ago when a collab between BTS and a western artist was released. I played his verse a million times hoping it was meant for me.
Every night and everyday, I'm swept away by the waves
Don't know what I am thinking, cant get you out my head
I know its illogical. Why would his verse be about me? Knowing that could be impossible made no difference. I still played it until my ears hurt. That day I fell asleep to his voice something I haven't been able to do in such a long time.
Hiding this pain from the people around me has been difficult. My parents have noticed I am not the same but I know they blame it on the overwhelming load of classes. Mom has asked me to slow down multiple times but I don't listen.
The girls blame it on being friend deprived since I haven't been able to meet up with them in months. I still talk to them everyday through text and FaceTime calls but its not the same. They think we haven't met up because of their busy schedules and have apologized a millions times. Not knowing that I am the one that has been avoiding them. I don't know how many times they have tried to come over and I have made an excuse. Is not that I don't want to see them. I do. It's just that I cant see them. I cant face them, not after everything that has happened. I can't look at them and continue lying like I have been doing all this time. Thankfully the girls are super busy with Min and Hae working non stop due to the boys incoming comeback. Ella who gets more pregnant by the minute has had a horrible time lately. Her pregnancy has been difficult with the morning sickness not stopping after the first trimester ended. She has been made to stay at home by Namjoon and I don't blame him. She has planned so many trips for all of us to meet but her body wont let her. Unfortunately it has worked in my favor even though I wish my friend was not going through this. I wish I could take that pain away from her. Just add it to the pain I already feel. They could keep each other company.
Out of all the girls Ara has been the one that pushes for us to meet up almost every single day. She has even shown up at my school practically forcing me to have coffee with her. I know she suspects something and I always dread seeing her waiting for me outside my building. I wish I could be happy seeing my very good friend but I can't. I know seeing her means she will ask me again and again. "What's wrong Sun-Hee?" I am always going to say the same answer. "Nothing I am just tired" but I know she wont give up until I tell her the truth. Honestly I think I love her even more for that. Min, Hae and Ella give me the space I need but not Ara, she is feisty and I am kind of proud of her.
I feel horrible for avoiding them and I think destiny has played a nasty trick on me. Yoongi will have shoulder surgery today and my heart won't allow me to skip the hospital visit. I might lie and fake situations to get out of seeing my friends but I know they are healthy and ok. Ella is the only one who is physically weak at the moment but I know she has it under control. And if that ever changed I would be the first one to show up and help. This is why I need to go see Yoongi and make sure my friend Ara is ok as well. The chance of seeing Hoseok there is pretty big but a hurt friend trumps everything else.
I have planned my day in a way that I will only be there for a small amount of time just in case I start to break down. I will go in the afternoon just when he is out of surgery and should be waking up from the anesthesia. This morning I plan on going to my old dance studio to pick up my things that have been there for weeks. The day I decided to quit both of my jobs I quit over a phone call and I lacked the courage to face my crew after the way I left things. Another thing I have been avoiding. But again fate has forced me to go today. The make up classes have helped me get into a bigger art school and I will be moving to a student apartment. In less than a month I will be living in Seongdong-gu, Seoul and will be attending Yejong Ballet School.
All this random things have forced me to face my demons and I want to say I am ready but I would be lying. I got up really early this morning dreading what is waiting for me. I ate breakfast with my now complete family which is something we have been doing everyday since dad has been home. I barely touched my food afraid that the food in my stomach would make me feel sick with my nerves. I headed out the door with my fake smile praying today is another day my parents don't notice it.
Now I am only a few minutes away from the dance studio and I am thankful for my decision of not eating this morning. My stomach is in knots. I cant stop thinking about the next thing in my to do list. I try to distract myself by looking out the bus window and the buildings that now are familiar to me pass by in a hurry like they are the ones going somewhere. Once the bus stops I look to the front to notice we have made it to my stop. I get up and my feet feel like I weight a thousand pounds but I manage to get off the bus without going back to my seat. My feet move slower than I want them to but I still make it to my destination in less than a minute. I take a deep breath when the door is visible and I close my eyes before pulling on the handle. Who will be on the other side? Will Nari be here? It's still early and they are still practicing at the Big Hit building in the mornings. Yesterday I told Ji-Hoon I would drop by this morning and he confirmed my thoughts. He told me the studio would be open for one of the classes that is held here.
I enter the building after clearing my mind and I head to the room that holds our lockers. I take out my keys ready to open the always locked room but when I get closer I am met with an ajar door. For a second I hesitate not knowing if I should go in. I peek my head in and look around as far as my head will let me. I don't see anything suspicious which pushes me to move forward. I head to my locker walking faster than usual. This will be an in and out in record time situation. I make it to my locker without waking up any ghosts or having someone jump up at me and once I open my locker I take a breath of relief. I pack everything into my tote bag I brought from home and get rid of anything that could be trash. Its my personal policy to always leave something cleaner than how I found it. When I am finally happy with my work I close my locker up but a loud sound of another door closing startles me.
I unconsciously look behind me and I am met with a very weird looking Kang. When I say he looks weird I mean he doesn't look like himself. He is a little far from me and I am not able to fully see him but I can still tell its him. I smile at him and say my usual greeting but he doesn't respond. He walks towards me almost stumbling along the way. I would say he is drunk but who is drunk at this hour. I look at his face trying to find clues of why he is acting this way and I notice he is looking back at me. I feel my stomach drop to the floor when I notice his bloodshot eyes. His stare is that of hate and I don't think I have ever seen anyone look at me that way. I look away and grab my bags ready to exit this situation. In a few seconds I come up with an scape plan. I will just walk around the lockers and act like I forgot something on the other row. This will give me another exit but when I turn around its too late. He is already inches from me and he grabs the back of my arm.
"Where are you going?" He says in an emotionless tone I have heard from someone else before.
"I'm sorry" Is all I can manage to say when panic fully sets in.
"Are you in a hurry to go see your stupid rich boyfriend" with each word he tightens his hold on me to the point where it hurts. I turn around not hurt by what he is doing to my arm but pissed off over his words. How dare he call him stupid.
"Can you please let go. I have to go" I say with determination hoping he will listen.
"Why should I? Oh because your famous, powerful boyfriend said I can't touch you?" He says pulling me closer to him against my will. I try to break his hold but he is so much taller and stronger than me. He grabs me even tighter and I notice my upper arm start to burn. I can feel my arm start to become red even though my oversize t-shirt doesn't let me see. "But I don't see him around here." He looks around the room like he searching for someone. "Is he waiting outside for you in his expensive car?" I don't reply trying not to egg him on. I don't know what would be the right answer. If I say no he will know I am alone and I don't know what he will do to me. I don't know this Kang and judging by his smell I don't want to know him. "I should go outside and tell him you were mine first." he smiles and for a second I can see the old Kang but with his next words he is back to this awful person. "I knew you liked me and I was going to do something about it when I found out Nari was pregnant" Wait??? What? is all I can think. I know thats not important right now and I need to get out of this situation but the shock of his words still grabs me. "I can see in your face that you didn't know. Well now you know. I am engaged to Nari because I got her pregnant and I hate her for taking you away from me. She knew I liked you, that stupid bitch knew." I try to take everything in but none of that matters anymore.
"Kang please let go" I say hearing my voice become stronger.
"I said I am not letting go. Why did you leave? Why did you quit? Is it because he told you to? Is that it?" I feel him lessen his hold on me but its still strong enough where I cant move. I don't answer his question and just repeat the same words as before. "Stop" he screams. "I am not letting go until you answer my questions. Is that the reason you left? Is it because you are his now? did you give yourself to him?" I look down in the last question knowing I could never lie to that question. I could never deny I gave myself to him and I don't regret it. I was his and I am still his.
"Oh I see" he says and I think he knows the answer to that question. He looks back at me defeat in his eyes and I get ready to run as soon as he lets go. My hopes all die when he grabs my other arm and pulls me in to a forced kiss. My mind goes blank for a minute and my fighter instinct kicks in. I try to kick away and twist my body so I wont be face to face with him but this angers him even more.
"I was here first, he had his turn now its mine" He says and the anger and hatred in his voice scares me. I continue twisting but I cant scream. I don't have a voice. Fear of what will happen next takes my voice away. All I can do is continue to kick and twist as hard as I can. I see an escape when he lets go of one arm but he doesnt give me chance to react when I feel his whole palm hit my face with such force that I fall to the ground. The pain from the slap is overwhelming accompanied by a loud ringing in my ear. I hit the cold floor in a painful slam. The ringing in my ear intensifies but I can still hear his last words before he stumbles out of the room.
"See if that coward does anything for slapping his whore"
I don't know how long I have been on this floor but I know it has been a while since Kang left. I am still in shock from what just happened and I don't think I have fully processed it. This is the first time in my life that someone has touched me in that way. For a moment I think of calling my dad, calling the police, calling the girls but after thinking more about it, I don't do anything. I don't know how I would explained what happen here.
I get up from the floor already burying what just happed deep inside my brain. I head to the bathroom to look at the state I am in. I lock the door behind me and I place the very heavy trash can behind it blocking anyone from coming in. Once I am in front of the mirror I realize the physical bruises will not be as easy to bury. I look at my arms and hidden by my oversize t-shirt I can faintly see his hand prints. I lift my sleeves as far as they go and now I can fully see my red and purple arms. I feel tears fill my eyes but they burn on my right eye and I look up to see another hand print on my cheek. A tear falls down that same cheek and I wince in pain. I am paralyzed by the state I am in and the only thing I can think about is how can I go to the hospital like this? How can I go home like this? I can't face my friends and family like this. My dad and grandpa would kill Kang if they ever found out. I don't think I would want that on my conscious. He was clearly drunk and out of his mind. I try to tell myself that he didnt meant it and it was just a lapse in his usual sweet personality.
I decide to fish my few makeup items I keep on my bag and I do my best to cover the red and blue spots on my face and arms. I roll down my sleeves to their usual length and now they fully cover all signs of abuse. I look back in the mirror to confirm every trace is gone and I hear my phone go off with my text ringtone. I check my phone screen to see a text from Ara.
"Hey girly, Yoongi just came out of surgery and everything is good. He should be awake soon. All the girls are here and we are excited to see you. Little Mia cant wait to see her little Sun" even though I feel like dying inside the last sentence makes me smile. Little Mia and my brother Jun are the only pure things I have and I would never let either one down. I grab my bag and unlock the door. I run as fast I can to the outside door praying that Kang is not waiting for me outside. Once I am as far as my lungs will take me I take a deep breath of relieve when I don't see Kang on my way to the bus stop.
The bus arrives a few minutes after and every second is torture. I keep thinking that Kang will jump out of somewhere and this time he will do something worse. Every noice around me makes me flinch and I try to calm myself when I find an empty seat at the back of the bus. I start to feel a little safer being surrounded by all this strangers. If Kang shows up here at least one of them would stop him or at least call the cops. When I feel my heart rate start to come down I text Ara back letting her know I am on my way and I am also excited to see them. I truly mean it but not as much as I was this morning. I look down at my upper arms noticing the makeup and I'm afraid they will also notice it. I pull my sleeves down again almost to the point of breaking the material. I wish I could just hide under a rock until the bruises disappear but that wont be possible.
In less than 20 minutes I am in front of the prestigious hospital. I have Yoongi's room number in my phone since Ara texted me earlier. I know where I have to go but my feet don't want to move. I contemplate on turning around and going home but my love for Ara and the girls stops me from running away. Ara needs me and I will be here for her like I promised myself. I find strength to move and I make it to Yoongi's floor in minutes. I no longer have to look at my phone for the room number since I can see one of the rooms has two men guarding one of the doors. I recognize the two guys as BTS's bodyguards and as I am approaching the door they both notice me and bow their head in acknowledgment. They had seen me millions of times before and I know they recognize me. I bow my head in a greeting and I watch as they both move aside to let me knock on the door but before my hand touches the door I hear someone call my name and I flinch again.
"Sun-Hee" I hear a female voice and for a second I don't recognize it. In my messed up brain the scenes from earlier start to reply and I can feel my tears come back. My knees go weak and when I am about to fall back to the floor, the cold floor of the locker room I feel strong hands combined with delicates hand hold me up. I look up to see one of the bodyguards hold me the same way Kang did but he is more gentle. It registers in my brain that he is trying to help me and not hurt me and I give him a thankful smile. "Sun are you ok? Whats wrong?" the female voice questions and I finally recognize the voice of my friend Ara.
"Yes I am sorry" I see turning around with the help of the bodyguard who will not let me go and I think he is afraid as I am that I will fall down if he does. "I don't know what happened" I say trying to smile at my friend who looks back at me concern painted on her face.
"What happened" I look up to see Ella walk behind Ara and I smile even bigger glad to see my friends.
"Sun-Hee almost passed out on us. I think we should have a doctor look at her" Ara says turning to Ella.
"No, no I am fine" I say and I can hear the fear in my voice. If a doctor looks at me they will know what happened and I don't want that.
"Sun-Hee" Ella exclaims and I try to find my most calming smile. The last thing I want to do is worry my two very pregnant friends.
"I am ok I promise" I say and I start to feel my strength return and I think the bodyguard can sense it because he lets go. I stand on my two feet with no help and I smile at my friends again but their faces go from worry to shock and I notice they are both looking at the same spot. I follow their gazes and my heart sinks once again when I notice my upper arm are exposed and being held by the bodyguard had rubbed off some of the makeup. I cant help the tears flow again when I realize my friends have seen what I tried to hide.
"Who did this to you Sun?" Ara grabs my hand as gently as possible and pulls me closer to inspect me. Ella who is at the verge of tears speaks next.
"Diiiidddd your dad do this?" She asks and I want to be offended at the ridiculous thought but knowing everything that has happened with my dad I understand why she would think that.
"No he would never, I fell" I lie but I know its not a good one.
"Sun-Hee this is someones hand print and its not the bodyguards this is older than just now" The doctor inside Ella speaks. "Those are bruises Sun"
"Ella look at her face" Ara exclaims and I don't have to guess what she is talking about. The tears have probably erased all my work of covering up the bruise on my face.
"Oh god. What is this?" Ella exclaims in pure horror.
"Sun who did this?" Ara asks again and I cant hide it anymore. I break down in front of my two best friends. All the tears I have been holding for months just spill out. I can only muster to say one word and its enough.
"Kang"
"What?" Ara shouts anger and indignation filling her face and I flinch once again.
"Ara calm down. You are scaring her" Ella says trying to calm the rage in Ara.
"I am going to kill him" Ara says lowering her voice. She moves forward and pulls me in a hug. "I am going to kill him" she says again but this time its a whisper in my ear.
"I think we should go inside and talk to the guys there has to be something they can do about this" Ella says as she places her hand on my back to comfort me.
"No please you cant say anything" I say pulling away from the girls. I don't know what Kang could be capable of and I don't want to find out.
"The hell I can't" Ara says rage coming back.
"You are shaking, come on lets just go inside" Ella says and I had not noticed I was shaking but now that she mentions it I can feel it. "She is so scared, look at her" Ella says gesturing towards me. "Ara you need to calm down so she will relax we can talk about this later. Right now we need to help her calm down I think she is having a panic attack" Ella takes off her very oversized cardigan and dresses me one hand at a time. She is gentle and again I seem to be paralyzed except for the shaking and heavy breathing.
"You are right lets go inside" Ara agrees and once I am covered by the cardigan she locks one of my arms with her making sure to not touch my bruises. Ella does the same thing and they both pull me to the door. The bodyguard who now looks concerned opens the door and we head inside the room. Once I am inside I try to calm myself down and I feel my two friends give me the strength I need. I look around the room and notice this is not a typical hospital room. It looks more like a spacious apartment with the bed in the middle. There are several couches making a living room by one of the walls and I can see that all members are here. All members including Hoseok. Min is also here sitting next to Jin and when she is the first one to notice us she gets up and smiles but her smile shortly changes to something else and I think she knows something is up with us. I think she can read our faces like the back of her hand.
The other guys notice us next starting from Jungkook who bow his head with a smile. Next is Tae who does the same and Jimin is about to get up and come say hi when he notice the same thing Min noticed. He is also good at reading people and I am not surprised. Namjoon and Jin both do the same bow as the others with Namjoon asking how I am and Ella responding before I can. She tells Namjoon she found me outside and she is so excited I am here. Hoseok is the last one to look up but he goes back to his phone without even looking my way and it hurts me more than I was excepting.
The three of us walk forward with the girls still helping me walk by holding me up. I don't think no one else notices except for Jimin and Min who look puzzled. On my way to my other friends I look at the bed and I notice Yoongi is fast asleep with Mia in his side sleeping as well. I smile faintly looking at father and daughter and for a moment I am distracted by the beautiful picture in front of me.
"Whats wrong with Sun's face" Jimin asks and his tone is not his usual self. He sounds just like the girls did when they first noticed me. I look back to Jimin and my eyes wonder to Hoseok who lifts his head with the question.
"Kang Hit H" Is all Ara can say before I interrupt her.
"Kang hit a ball and it hit me in the face. It was an accident" I say quickly. I can feel Ara's angering eyes look at me but I avoid her. I can only look at the person behind Jimin and I notice how Hoseok goes back to his phone completely ignoring me and that hurst more than anything that has happened to me today.