"Yesterday was heavy,
put it down.
- Anonymous.
●●●
Kai got a call from his manager about some unmissable catalogue opportunity and he left last night. Ever the workaholic, my friend Kai. One day he'll marry his job, I swear it. I wasn't surprised, of course and Leonardo was ecstatic like he won some sort of dual.
Right now, Leo and I are on our way somewhere. He won't tell me where we're going. He got out his Tesla and everything (I damn near choked on my donut when I saw it) and for once, Blade isn't our chauffeur since the car itself will be taking us to our destination. It absolutely blows my mind that a car can do that. I've only ever heard of Teslas, I never thought I'd see one in my lifetime.
Leo is immaculate in a dark gray button up, black jeans and a black dress coat. I'm in a long, thin strap, black silk dress that dips in that layered cool way at the neckline. I paired it with clear Manolo Blahniks and I'm proud to say that Gretchen had no hand in my outfit today.
Leo and I look like one of those couples that only laugh on polite cue but I'm done with feeling a sick sense of guilt for liking this lifestyle that he has introduced me to, like I'm somehow betraying my past self. There is no past self, I'm still me.
My therapist has given me a bunch of affirmations to repeat to my reflection everyday and boy have they worked, despite me laughing at the concept initially. I deserve good things, I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be loved.
Leonardo (the literal love of my love) took a mental note of said affirmations during that therapy session and he'll repeat one or two of them - depending on what's fitting - to me whenever I'm not necessarily feeling my best: "You deserve good things, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to loved."
Because we've relied on each other so much this past month, and because we feel like it'll be beneficial to understand each other more since we're raising a kid together, Leo and I are taking the therapy sessions together - not separately.
Through these same therapy sessions, I learnt that Leo is suffering from his own trauma of losing his mother to cancer when he was fifteen. I learnt that losing Lauren and Steve brought back ugly memories for him. From all of this though, I also learnt how to help him talk about things as opposed to bottling them up and I learnt how exactly I can be there for him.
I can't help but notice that in the most horrible of situations, there actually is a silver lining like those sickeningly positive people are always saying. Leo and I - ever since we met - have gone through so much together, and it is those very horrible things like all the lies, the deceit and loss that have made us as close as we are today. I'm glad I get to spend today with him.
Earlier this evening, the child minder came over so she can watch Kira and once again, Myrtle is to be with them at all times. Apart from that, the CCTV camers will keep letting Leo and I know if this the best route for us to go by when we're away and Kira needs minding. Some may call us paranoid, but Leo and I are justified by our trauma (or PTSD, as our therapist would like to call it) because of how Lauren and Steve's lives were so suddenly taken. Our main focus at the moment is: at any cost, avoid tragedies.
When I steal a glance at him, I notice that by a force of habit, Leo is taking a quick look at the CCTV footage that is running live from his phone. It's not the fact that we think the child minder is some sort of baby killer or anything. It's fact the fact that anything can happen. We've learnt that the hardest way.
I must say though, that for the first time in a while I'm getting the feeling that we might just be okay after everything that's transpired. Especially since Lauren and Steve left us a big part of themselves. Leonardo and I have both agreed that somehow we feel as though - through Kira - our best friends are still on this green earth with us.
On yet another bright note, my mother has been diagnosed with medical remission. As we speak, she's completely cancer free. Leonardo threw the biggest and fanciest family party. I cried so much that day because I was happy, and even more because I would have loved to tell Lauren.
My mother is one of those people that are feuled by human interaction. She absolutely absorbed all of the attention - Leo knew what he was doing when he invited all of those guests. It would be a bit of an understatement to say that Mom is an extrovert.
You'd think that an intimate gathering with about four family membesrs would be compatible with the kind news that that we received, but alas. We knew better.
I stare out of my window in deep thought. It looks as though its going to rain today. I'm about ask Leo to confirm the latter when suddenly, two of the most beautiful butterflies I have ever seen land on my window. At the speed that the car is going, it's near impossible for something as fragile as a butterfly to not only land on the car window, but to also sit majestically still on it, without being completely thrown off by the wind. The sight is a little celestial.
I nudge Leonardo, who is right next to me in the back seat and I point right at the butterflies, speechless.
"It's them," he breathes in awe.
"Them as in who? Lauren and Steve?!"
He nods smiling, seafoam eyes turning to me and he speaks softly, "they're probably here to say happy birthday."
●●●
Leonardo takes me to a really nice restaurant and we get so full we have to decline dessert and have it to go.
The atmosphere was lovely. During the past month of grieving and feeling awful, Leo and I both lost ourselves. Selfishly, I was terrified in the few times that he failed to be the strong one because it absolutely tore the heart out of me. It made the loss all the more real.
At dinner tonight, the amount of normalcy we managed to maintain was shocking. I saw Leo roll his eyes more than five times, we had our usual banter that's quick witted and borderline rude, I found opportunities to annoy him and we even managed to reflect on a memory with Lauren and Steve without the happy and lively atmosphere changing. Leo noticed too, I know that for sure.
I haven't felt normal in so long that when I kept catching myself being happy, I'd be absolutely reeling. This whole time, I've been feeling like my head was being dunked under water thirty times in one minute, not giving me the chance to breathe properly. Now it's just ten times in a minute.
"Where are we going?" I ask Leo for possibly the fifth time during this car ride.
Dinner went so well that I'm actually a little excited for the next place he's taking me.
Leonardo sighs. "Shut up, will you?"
I pout and Leo pokes my face. Its gives me butterflies in my stomach whenever he willingly makes contact with me. Leonardo despises human contact. Or rather human beings in general.
We finally arrive and Leo removes my blindfold once we exit the car. It's a massive yacht and there's uniformed staff waiting for us.
"But- Leonardo, where are we going at this hour?" I ask in awe of the beautiful yacht.
"Not anywhere specific actually. It'll just be a calming cruise over the water. A chance to talk, reflect, listen your favourite songs. I know that's the kind of thing you like."
This man knows me so well and I'm trying not get emotional about it.
He offers me his hand and I hold onto it so tightly, it must look like I'm trying to keep him from going anywhere. Maybe I am. "This really is the kind of thing that I love. Thank you."
He looks smug and it's adorable. "Yeah, yeah."
The yacht ride is great. The wind is playing with my hair, my favourite song Cigarette Daydreams by Cage the Elephant is playing - and one of my favourite people in the entire whole world is standing right next to me. Moments like this remind me that life isn't one hundred percent bad.
I look at Leo and smirk. "The fact that you take note of my favourite songs and things to do blows my mind. You must like me or something."
He rolls his eyes, hiding a smile. "Yeah, or something."
I'm still so confused about where we stand but I love the banter in between.
I smile, genuinely happy. "You even bought me a car from a movie that I'm weirdly obsessed with."
He gives me a flat look. "Don't push it, Mrs Romano."
And here come those butterflies in my stomach once again. I love it when he calls me that.
This is the sort of conversation Leo usually tries to cut short because number one, he hates talking about feelings because it makes him feel vulnerable; and two, he's so used to being the bad guy, the stoic businessman, it must feel weird to hear someone highlighting just how thoughtful and genuine a person he is.
I look back out at the water. "You know aside from everything you've done and continue to do for me, I genuinely love the person you're becoming. The way you look after Kira like she's your own when you have so many people you could pay to do that for you, how you made an effort to be friendly with Kai, the way you genuinely want to make my mother happy... Its just all these little things that add up and make me so happy. I mean, you even speak to your staff differently, less sharp and phlegmatic."
When I stop talking there's a pause and all I can hear for a while is the wind.
Leo lifts his gaze from the ground so he can look at me. "You genuinely make me a better person. You make me want to be better."
A little life lesson I've learnt: love begets love.
I don't know what possess me to do this, I plead temporary insanity, but I close the little space between us and hug him. He doesn't hesistate to return my embrace and we just stand like that for a while.
"Do you think anyone has ever choked on a lifesaver?" I ask.
Leonardo chuckles in this low, husky way that sends shivers down my spine.
He looks down at me fondly. "Sadie you are so stupid."
Before I can say anything smart back, he leans down and kisses me. Leonardo Romano is kissing me. This moment is pivotal, nothing will ever be the same again.
I am no longer a part of the cynics, I believe every romance movie I have ever watched. The butterflies, the fireworks - they're real.
When I put my hands in his hair and he deepens the kiss, I nearly expire. I don't mind this. I don't mind being madly in love.