Thirty-five.
Stop trying to understand why people have hurt you, and start accept the fact that they've done it. They don't care about your feelings. They have disrespected you. They have betrayed you. Now, stop wondering why they did it. Give yourself a peace of mind and just start moving on. It has to do with them, not with you. Now, please don't be too hard on yourself and start forgiving yourself.
I keep on asking before about how Mama treats me. Pilit kong iniintindi ang kan'yang sitwasyon dahil anak niya ako, dahil baka mayroon siyang mas malalim na rason, at dahil baka kung sakaling ipaintindi niya sa akin ay maintindihan ko... ngunit hindi pa rin ba natutupok ang apoy na kay tagal nang umaalab sa kan'yang dibdib?
"Are you coming with me, Elvi?" Tita Ava looked at me, still waiting for my answer.
That question made me think for a while. It took me so long to speak out my answer. Mahirap sagutin dahil maraming puwedeng mangyari kung sakaling pumunta ako roon... subalit mas iisipin ko pa ba 'yon kaysa makita ang aking ama? My father is unstable because of his health condition. Hindi ko na dapat iniisip 'yong mga bagay na dapat ay hindi ako nagpapaapekto.
At sabi sa akin ni Tita, kahit gano'n si Papa, hindi niya magagawang kamuhian ako. Kung magagalit man siya sa akin, maglalaho rin 'yon.
I know.
Father is always like that. I could still remember how he told me that hatred is a big word. He even told me that he won't hate someone if he wants inner peace. Hindi raw siya matatahimik kung may nakatanim na galit sa kan'yang dibdib dahil lumalago 'yon.
He's right. It's a big word. It is a big emotion. Ang pagkamuhi ay ang kinimkim na galit na hanggang ngayon ay hindi makawala. Nagsisimula ito sa inis, hanggang sa maging galit ito, at kapag nadagdagan nang nadagdagan iyon nang hindi 'yon nilalabas sa 'yong sarili, magiging muhi iyon.
I fix my things and look up. Tita Ava is patiently waiting for my response. Maayos na rin kasi ang lagay ni Papa ngayon kaya gusto ko rin siyang makita. This is not the right time to overthink. Hindi dapat ako maging duwag. Maraming taon na ang lumipas... kaya nararapat ko nang harapin ang lahat ng 'to.
"Opo, 'Ta..." Mahina kong sagot.
She waited for me at the outside. My sons are still sleeping so I didn't even bother to wake them up. They know that I'm busy, yet they still get mad whenever I'm leaving without a note. Nagsabi na lang ako sa kanilang taga-alaga. Iniwanan ko pa sila ng chocolates upang hindi sila magtampo.
Archis and Atharv know the purpose of my work, though both of my sons value family time a lot, that's why they get mad whenever I can't make time for them. Nakuha nila 'yong gano'ng pag-uugali sa Mommy Ava nila. Gusto ko rin naman na gano'n nila ituring ang kanilang pamilya.
"Hop in..." Tita instructed me before going inside of the driver's seat.
Tahimik kong sinunod ang kan'yang sinabi. Sinandal ko ang aking likod sa aking kinauupuan at tahimik na pinagmasdan ang labas sa bintana. Tita played a song through the stereo. It breaks the silence between us.
I released a deep sigh. Am I really contented? But why am I seeking for more? Bakit binabalot pa rin ng kalungkutan ang aking dibdib? Bakit hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin matamo ang gusto kong marating?
Am I still... lost?
"Tita..." I called her. "Were you happy in Papa's arms?"
She raised her brow, confused with my sudden question. "Of course, I was..." She answered quietly. "Hanggang ngayon, masaya pa rin ako kay Emer," dagdag niya. "Ngunit hindi maaari..."
"Was it hard for you to let go of someone that you love?"
"Hindi naman madaling magpalaya ng minamahal mo, anak..." Nanliit ang kan'yang mga mata. "Sapagkat dapat... dahil ang tunay na nagmamahal, nagpapalaya."
My lips curved into a thin line. I beg to disagree.
Hindi lahat ng solusyon sa pagmamahal ay ang pagpapalaya. Kailangan mo ring ipaglaban kung wala rin naman kayong natatapakang ibang tao. Nararapat na lumaban ka rin... at kung handa ring lumaban ang taong ipinaglalaban mo na lumaban kasama ka, hindi mo dapat palayain... dahil para sa akin, ang tunay na nagmamahal, gagawin ang lahat upang hindi ka mawala.
Hindi na lang ako nagsalita at pinanatili kong tikom ang aking bibig hanggang sa nagbukas ng bagong pag-uusapan si Tita. Pinilig ko ang aking ulo. As much as I want to hide from reality, I can't... because I have to face it. In order to get the freedom that I want, I have to acknowledge them.
"It must be so hard for you, huh? Na makita 'yong ama ni Archis," she pursed her lips. "That's my grandson's Father, right? It's Dr. Zavion..."
"He is..." I answered quietly.
"So what's your plan? He doesn't know the existence of his son. Eight years, Elvira. Eight years..."
"Tita, look," I tilted my head. "Let's just move-on," I said firmly. "If he found out about the existence of Archis, I won't stop him, but now that he doesn't know my secret, I will keep my mouth shut until the end. Maayos na ang buhay niya. Ayaw ko nang guluhin 'yon."
"You can't say that," ngumuso siya.
My lips curved into a grim line. Winaksi ko sa aking isipan ang huli niyang sinabi upang hindi ako makagawa ng aking iisipin.
When we got to the hospital, Father is still asleep. Wala rin si Mama dahil abala ito sa kan'yang negosyo. Pansamantala ring umalis si Tita dahil may nakalimutan siyang bilhin.
As I was looking at my Father's wrinkled face, I felt nothing, but a pure love towards her Father. Gusto ko nang matahimik. Ang tanging hiling ko na lamang ay maayos ko na ang lahat upang wala ng bigat ang aking dibdib. I want to fix my relationship with my parents, even though they don't feel the same. Siguro, kahit para na lang sa mga anak ko. Ayaw ko rin kasing may mapagsisihan ako sa dulo... dahil kung may pagsisisi, mayroong pangamba sa iyong puso... at habang-buhay kang hindi matatahimik.
"I'm not mad at you. I just don't know how to express my love for someone. You are always important to me, anak." He speaks in his soft voice. "But I'm sorry if I made you feel like that. Hindi ako galit at hindi kita kinamumuhian. Your Mother is still mad at you and I'm sorry for that. You don't deserve that," he smiles apologetically.
Papa was shocked when he saw me sitting near his hospital bed. Halatang hindi niya inaasahan na makikita niya pa ako muli. I quickly asked what he wants to eat but he refused to answer my question. Kinumusta niya ako hanggang sa lumalim ang usapan. Humingi ako ng patawad sa lahat ng aking nagawa ngunit tinawan lang niya ako. Aniya'y sila naman daw na mga magulang ko ang may kasalanan kaya nagkaganito.
It feels so awkward whenever Papa's staring at me. It looks like he's examining the whole me. Kinikilatis at sinusuri niya ako na para bang isang napakahalagang bagay kung ituring niya. Tingin ko ay impluwensya 'yon nang hindi namin pagkikita ng ilang taon.
"Where are my grandsons?" He asked in monotone.
Hindi ko pinagkakaitan na makilala ng aking mga anak ang kanilang Lolo't Lola. Of course, I would forbid them if they will hurt my sons. Hindi ko ipararanas sa mga anak ko ang ginawa nila sa akin.
"They are in mansion," I answered. "But if you want to see them, I can bring them here."
"Yes, yes, I want to see them. Parehas lalaki at kambal, 'di ba?"
"Opo, Papa."
He asked me about my sons. He seems excited. His eyes are sparkling whenever I tell her some funny stories about them. Nanlalambot ang aking dibdib... dahil ngayon ko na lamang ulit naranasan na makausap nang gan'to si Papa. I never thought I'd experience this again. Alam ni Papa na walang ama ang aking mga anak at hindi niya ako kinuwestiyon doon. This is making me happy. This is already enough for me.
"So you named them Gaddiel and Hanniel?"
"Opo," I nodded my head slowly. "Pa, do you want to eat something? I'll buy it for you."
"No. Pupunta rito si Dr. Arevallo at kakausapin niya ako," mahinang saad niya.
Natigilan ako sa kan'yang tinuran. I straighten up my back and my lips parted in shock. Nanlalaki ang aking mga matang napatingin kay Papa.
Parang doon lamang ako natauhan. I look around to spot Tita Ava but she's nowhere to be found. Hindi pa rin siya nakakabalik hanggang ngayon!
"He's going to check you?! Bakit hindi mo naman po sinabi agad, Papa?" I said, panicking.
His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What's with your reaction, hija?"
I shook my head. "Don't mind me. Where's the comfort room?" I asked, still in shock.
"Nand'yan lang..." He pointed a direction. I am about to leave when the door was opened by someone. I flinched back in shock when I saw Dr. Zavion and at the back of him is his nurse. Agad akong napayuko at hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang salubungin ang kan'yang tingin.
"There you are, Dr. Zavion!" Masayang saad ni Papa. "I'm with my daughter! I bet you know her. I heard you two had history!" May bahid ng pang-aasar ang kan'yang boses.
Mariin akong napapikit. It's a fucking wrong timing. Ngayon pa talaga umalis si Tita Ava!
"Good morning, Mr. Fonsesca. How do you feel?"
"Good, good!" He answered happily. "Do you mind if I'll introduce my daughter to you, hijo?"
"Go ahead..." He said in a low tone. Mababakas ang dilim ng kan'yang aura sa kan'yang tindig pa lamang.
"Pa..." I used my unusual tone. Hindi 'yon pinansin ni Papa at nagpatuloy siya sa kan'yang pang-aasar.
"Elvira, alam ko namang hindi mo pa nakakalimutan 'tong si Zavion..." He flashed a teasing smirk. "Wala pang asawa 'yan..." He added, then turned his gaze to Zavion.
"Wala ka ring asawa, Elvira, 'di ba?" Papa chuckled. "Kaso may dalawang anak na! Ayos lang ba sa 'yo 'yong single Mom, Doc?"
Parang natigilan si Zavion sa kan'yang narinig. He looks surprised. Napatingin ito sa akin at kumunot ang kan'yang noo. I averted my gaze. I can't keep up with his stares. It's making me weak! It was like my heart want to get out of my chest because of its loud beats!
"Ayos lang kung ako pa rin ang mahal..." Halos pabulong iyon ngunit umabot pa rin sa aking pandinig.
He shook his head immediately. Pinilig niya ang kan'yang ulo at seryoso akong tinitigan diretso sa mata. "O, you have two children?"
"A-ano..." I can't find the right words for my sentence!
"Nasundan pa pala... putangina..." There's a hint of irritation in his voice.
Instead of asking me more, he chose to turn his attention back to my Father. He started examining my Father. Natawa na lamang si Papa sa kan'yang inakto at hindi na nasundan pa ang pag-uusap na 'yon. He reminded my Father of what he should do and politely said his good bye after finishing his words to leave.
"Papa, hindi mo dapat ginagawa 'yong gano'n. Nakakahiya sa kan'ya," my cheeks flushed in embarrassment.
He chuckled. "He knows the definition of a joke, Elvira, unlike you."
"Tsk," I rolled my eyes. "I will buy a food for us, Papa. You should take a rest for a while."
He nodded his head as a response. I texted Tita and informed her that I'm going to leave for a while to buy a food. Hindi pa rin nakakabalik si Tita hanggang ngayon. That's so unusual of her. Maybe she has clients that she needs to deal with. Kung may bibilhin lang naman kasi si Tita, hindi 'yon magtatagal nang gan'to kahabang oras. I heard she's managing their real estate business. Tinutulungan naman siya ni Kazuo roon ngunit si Tita pa rin ang humahawak dahil siya ang head.
Gladly, I found a food stall near the hospital. Hindi rin naman ako nagtagal doon dahil kailangan na ring kumain ni Papa. While walking in the hospital, I can't help, but admire the structure of Arevallo Hospital. Nagbago ang istruktura nito at mas lalong gumanda. Mas lumaki rin sa paglipas ng panahon. Hindi na rin nakapagtataka dahil noon pa lamang, kilala na ang hospital na 'to.
"Is that you, Elvira?" A deep and big voice from behind caught my attention.
I froze in my position. Dahan-dahan kong nilingon ang sino mang nagbanggit ng aking pangalan. Bahagyang umawang ang aking labi. A man, wearing a white coat, waves his hand. It's obvious that he's also a doctor here. Nakangisi ito at mapaglaro ang kan'yang mga matang nakatingin sa akin.
My eyes got smaller in confusion. He looks familiar but I can't remember where I saw him before.
"Obviously, you can't remember me. I'm Adiel. I'm a friend of your... ex," he chuckled. "Dito rin tayo nagkita noon..."
My lips automatically formed a smile when his face flashed in my mind. He was the one who guided me here before! Siya 'yong nang-entertain sa akin noong binista ko si Zavion sa Arevallo Hospital!
Ang bilis pala talaga ng araw. Hindi mo na lang namamalayan na ilang taon na ang lumipas.
"Hala, Adiel, ikaw pala 'yan!"
"Why are you here? Sino'ng patient ang binisita mo rito?"
"My father was confined here," I answered his question. "How's life?"
"Maayos naman..." He answered. "Lalong tumatagal, mas lalo kang gumanda, ah! Are you still single?" He let out a flirty chuckle.
Napailing na lamang ako at natawa sa kan'yang inakto. I was about to answer him when suddenly, a hand gripped my arm and pulled me away from Adiel. Sa gulat ko, hindi na ako nakagalaw, lalo na nang mapagtanto kong si Zavion 'yon.
"Z-zav..."
"No, she's not available, Adiel..." His voice is deep and dark.
"Magandang umaga, Zav—" He cut him off. He shooed him away and tightened his grip on my arms.
"Wala akong pakialam sa umaga," malumanay niyang sinabi.
"I care about you, Zavion," natatawang saad ni Adiel.
Matalim niya itong tiningnan. The annoyance that he felt for Adiel is very visible. Bumaba ang aking tingin sa kamay niyang nakahawak pa rin sa aking braso. My cheeks flushed in embarrassment. Instead of pulling back my arm, I just looked away and bit my lower lip. Umakto ako na para bang hindi ko napapansin ang lahat.
Fuck, am I still a teen-ager?!
"If you still want to work here, Adiel, I suggest you leave us alone."
"Sus, hindi mo na lang sabihin na gusto mo makipag-bb time kasama si Elvira," Adiel teased him. Umalis din naman kaagad ito dahil natakot sa tingin na iginagawad sa kan'ya ni Zavion. Mas lalong bumigat ang aking nararamdaman nang mapagtanto kong naiwan kaming dalawa.
"I need to leave..." I cleared my throat. I tried my best to look straightly into his eyes.
Damn that amber eyes. Until now, that's one of the reasons why I'm so deeply in love with him.
Kamukhang-kamukha niya talaga si Archis. Parehas na parehas sila ng mga mata. Kahit ang paraan ng kanilang pagtitig sa akin ay parehong-pareho. Kahit ang pagsimangot nito ay kuhang-kuha ng aking anak.
I also can't blame myself for not being able to move on about us because aside from the fact that I love him so much, I can't forget every details, even if it's a small or a big details about him.
"Aalis ka na naman," mahinang saad niya.
"Huh?" Dahan-dahang umawang ang aking labi sa gulat. "Of course, my Father needs to eat his meals."
He has a darker aura now. He looks attractive as ever. I could smell the tantalizing aroma of his perfume because of our distance. Para akong nahihilo dahil sa lapit naming dalawa. Hindi ko kinakaya... dahil Lord, bakit sobrang guwapo naman nito?
"Adiel is a playboy. I am not against with the idea of you dating my friend but..." His jaw clenched. Pinilig niya ang kan'yang ulo. "If you're looking for someone who can be the father of your children, hindi si Adiel 'yon..."
"Hindi ako naghahanap, Zavion," mariin kong utas.
"Edi maganda..." There's a ghost of smile on his lips.
Nilayo ko ang aking sarili sa kan'ya. My brow arched. Kinakabag lang siguro ang utak nito.
When I turned my attention back to him, the joy in his eyes suddenly disappeared. It was replaced by mixed emotions that I could not decipher... and suddenly, I felt a strong tension between the two of us.
"Are you really a mother of a two children?" He asked, still looking at my eyes.
"I am," determinado kong sagot.
"I know it was rude of me to ask that because we haven't seen each other for how many years now. Dapat kinukumusta kita... but, Elvira, fucking how? Paano mo nagawa sa akin 'yon? At talagang sinundan ninyo pa ni Ambrielle?" There's a hint of annoyance and pain in his voice. "Was that really easy for you? Was it easy for you to let go of me?"
Mariin kong napikit ang aking mga mata. Ramdam ko ang nag-aabangang mga luha na kahit isang kalabit lang sa akin ay babagsak na ang mga ito. I chose to stand strong in front of him. His confused eyes were still looking at me... and that's breaking me.
Zavion, kailan ba naging madali sa akin ang mga 'yon?
"It's already in the past. Tapos na 'yon. Umusad ka na," buo ang aking boses nang sambitin 'yon. "Alam kong hindi pa rin malinaw ang lahat sa 'yo. Stop questioning everything that I've did. Ginawa ko 'yon kaya h'wag mo nang isipin... at sa tanong mo na madali lang ba sa akin ang pakawalan ka..." I swallowed the lump in my throat. This is really hard for me. I bit my lower lip because I know that any time from now, I'd cry in front of him. "Kahit kailan, hindi 'yon naging madali para sa akin..."
He's just listening attentively as I tell him everything. Hindi ito nagsasalita at nakatitig lang siya sa akin na para bang hanggang ngayon... ay kinakabisado niya pa rin ang bawat detalye tungkol sa akin.
"Hindi ko man nasabi ito sa 'yo noon dahil sa mga nangyari, kaya ngayon na may pagkakataon ako..." I breathe heavily. "I don't want to waste this chance," I let out a fake chuckle. "Thank you for being there, for being the best part of my life, and for not leaving me alone, especially when I needed someone the most."
"Nandito naman ako palagi, Elvira. Kailan ba ako umalis?"