CW: FLASHBACKS, ANXIETY, MENTIONS OF SELF HARM, USE OF MARIJUANA, DIALOGUE
___________________________
3 weeks later
11/26/2018
Monday
"I'll see you next week, Y/N," Dr. Suarez said as she walked you out of her office into the waiting area. You wrapped your arms around yourself, turning to look at her, flashing her a soft smile, "See you next week," you repeated before walking out the door.
You walked in the direction of your car, reaching for your keys in your purse, pulling them out and unlocking the car. Opening the driver's side door, you slide in, tossing your purse on the passenger seat, then turn the car on. Pulling your seatbelt on, you turn the heat on, and grab your phone from your purse, connecting it to play music.
Once the song Dealer by Lana del Rey starts playing, you set your phone down in the cup holder and pull out of the parking spot, driving onto the main road. As you drove down the street, getting onto the highway, you tapped your fingers on the steering wheel, humming softly to the music and thinking about today's appointment.
Dr. Suarez says that you're doing ok, given the circumstances you have been through, but she also thinks that you're blocking out most of what happened to you at the hospital. And she isn't wrong. You don't like to talk about what happened at the hospital less than two months ago. It's all still fairly new. You have reminders of that day on your body that will be there for the rest of your life. Why would you even want to talk about it?
You've been seeing Dr. Suarez for three weeks now and you have appointments with her twice a week. Monday's and Wednesday's at 11:30 am. When you had your first appointment with her, she was already asking you to explain to her what happened that day, but you couldn't. You know exactly what happened, but no words would come out every time she'd ask that question. "Tell me Y/N, what happened?"
"I can't." Was how you would answer.
Spencer usually comes with you to these appointments, but he hasn't been able to attend this week's appointment and last week's appointment. He's currently working on a case from the comfort of his office at home, constantly talking on the phone with his team, conference calls, and reading over files that Garcia would have sent over. He doesn't come out of his office much since it is a serious case as he briefly explained to you, but he makes time to be with you. He either reads to you, cuddles with you in bed, eats lunch or dinner with you, or lays with you on his couch in his office.
But since he's been busy and you haven't really been speaking much about your appointments with him, you were back where you didn't want to be. You were back at the hospital, every time you'd close your eyes, that day plays in your head over and over. You saw people get shot right in front of you, see life leave one's eyes, and you could practically feel the pain of you getting shot all over again.
You'd wake up in the middle of the night covered in sweat and breathing frantically. Spencer wouldn't wake up, you knew he was tired because of how much work he was doing throughout the day, so you wouldn't bother waking him up. He's already talked so much about that day with you, explaining how he felt, what he was thinking and has also been seeing a therapist.
He's been doing so well with his therapy, that he can already return to work next week. You on the other hand, aren't doing well in therapy. It's going to take some time.
You're pulled from your thoughts by the sounds of your phone ringing. Quickly glancing down at your phone, you see that Spencer was calling. You let out a deep breath before answering the call, putting it on speaker, then hearing his voice, "Hey, baby."
"Hi, babe. What's up?"
You can hear him spinning around in his chair which makes a small smile appear on your face. "Nothing, I just wanted to hear your voice. Are you still at Dr. Suarez's office or are you on your way home?" The smile grows on your face, "My appointment ended about ten minutes ago, so I'm on my way home now, but I was thinking about stopping by Desiree's apartment before she leaves in a few hours. Is that ok?"
"Y/N, you don't have to ask," he chuckled. "You can go see your friend. I'm still working on this case with the team, so I'll keep myself occupied while you're gone," he said.
"Ok, I'll see you when I get home, babe.", you replied.
Spencer smiled, "Be careful, I love you."
"Love you, Spence," your voice was barely above a whisper, but you know that he heard you based on the way he huffed out a small laugh. Something he does every time you tell him that you love him.
He ended the call and your music resumed playing. You merged onto the far right lane since your exit was coming up. Once you exited the highway, you drove straight to Desiree's apartment.
Desiree was supposed to leave two days after your birthday, but ended up staying a few more weeks. There were a few things getting set up at her new place in Arizona that were taking longer than expected. She was upset, pissed even that it was taking this long, but when she finally got the call last night that everything was ready, she called you to let you know that she would be gone by this afternoon.
So, of course you wanted to stop by and see her before she was 2,000 miles away from you.
About twenty minutes later, you pulled into Desiree's apartment building, driving into the parking garage and parking in the visitors parking lot. You turned off your car, took your seatbelt off, grabbed your purse from the passenger seat, opened the door, and got out of the car. You locked your car, walked to the elevator and pressed the button on the panel. Once the doors opened, you walked in, pressing the number five on the panel and waiting for the doors to close.
You wrapped your arms around yourself again during the ride up, staring straight at the elevator doors. You tapped your fingers rapidly on your side, listening to the light music playing inside the elevator, then feeling the elevator come to a complete stop on the fifth floor. Walking out, keeping your arms around you, you went straight to Desiree's door, 502.
Slowly lifting your left hand, you knocked softly, hearing Desiree shout, "Come in!" Dropping your hand to the doorknob, you twisted it and walked right in. "You know, you shouldn't leave your door unlocked, then yell 'Come in' when someone knocks," you announced.
Desiree came out from her bedroom, a shocked expression on her face. "Did you really think I wouldn't come see you before you left?" She ran straight towards you, immediately wrapping her arms around your neck. "I was gonna go see you before I left," she mumbled.
You giggled, "Always thinking alike."
"I only said come in because I thought it was my mom," Desiree said as she pulled away from the hug. "She told me she was a few minutes away, but if it were any other day, I'd go to the door," she explained with a smile on her face. You let out a laugh while looking around her almost empty apartment, "Cameron isn't here?" She shook her head, "He went to buy more boxes," Desiree responded, turning around to walk back into her bedroom.
You followed closely behind her seeing that the only things in her room were stacks of boxes and an inflatable mattress. "I know for a fact that sleeping on that is not comfortable," you joked while pointing at the mattress on the ground. Desiree laughed, "It's not, but since my bed got taken to Arizona a few days ago, that's what we've been sleeping on. Cameron hates it."
You watched Desiree walk into her closet, walking out with boxes of shoes, then going back in. "Do you want me to help?" you asked, setting your purse down on the mattress and going into her closet. "Please? We need to be out of here by 3 and at the airport at 5. Our flight leaves at 6:30 and Cameron still wants to stop by his parents house even though we just said goodbye to them yesterday," Desiree explained.
You let out a small laugh and as you were about to say something, there was a knock on the door and then the voice of Desiree's mom was heard in the almost empty apartment. "Mija, donde estas?" You smiled at the familiar voice, one you were so used to. When you had first met Desiree, you didn't understand Spanish, but after years of her teaching you, you were able to now understand it, speak it, and write it.
"En mi recamara, estoy con Y/N," Desiree announced.
Desiree's mom walked into the bedroom and into the closet where the both of you were and smiled, immediately pulling you in for a hug. "Hola, Y/N. Como estas?" You smiled, wrapping your arms around her, "Hola, Señora Mendoza. Estoy bien, apenas llegué aquí. Y usted, ¿cómo está?" you asked once she pulled away, going to hug Desiree.
"Bueno, estoy bien, gracias por preguntar," she responded.
Desiree smiled at the interaction between you and her mom, continuing to grab the rest of her things while the two of you continued to talk. "Todavía tienes ese novio que trabaja para el FBI?" her mom asked. You nodded, "Si, todavía estamos juntos."
"Me encanta que estén hablando, pero ¿pueden ayudarme?" Desiree sighed.
You and her mom both nodded, helping her take out things from her closet and put everything into boxes while still talking. Cameron showed up twenty minutes later and helped pack up the rest of the things around the apartment. When you guys filled up boxes, Cameron would close them up and take them down to the moving truck downstairs.
This is what you needed, something to help take your mind off your appointment and from the day at the hospital.
_
Two hours later, Desiree and Cameron's apartment was now empty. Her mom had left an hour ago, said she had to run some errands, so she said goodbye to Desiree and Cameron and wished them the best in Arizona.
"I'm gonna miss you, Des," you whispered to her as you guys stood in her empty bedroom. She smiled, "I'm gonna miss you too," she said, before wrapping her arms around your body. You felt tears start to fall down your face, "Don't forget about me," you sniffled. Desiree cried, "How could I forget about you, you're my best friend. My sister."
Her words made tears fall even harder, you clutched onto her body. She kissed you on your cheek, "I love you so much, Y/N." You whimpered, "I love you too."
Desiree hugged you tight, before pulling away and lifting her hands up to your face to wipe your tears. You giggled, doing the same to her, "Whenever you can, come to Arizona and visit me. Maybe if Spencer ever has a case there, you can go with him. I already sent you my address and my new phone number, both work and personal," Desiree said.
"I'm so happy for you, Des," you exclaimed, wrapping your arms around her once again. "You got everything you've ever dreamed of," you beamed. Desiree sighed, "So have you, Y/N."
You pulled away, staring into Desiree's eyes with a smile on your face, "Yeah, I guess we both got what we wanted." She smiled, "Yeah we did."
"Hey, babe? Are you ready to go?" Cameron shouted. Desiree gave you a sad smile, "Yeah, just give me a few minutes. I'll meet you downstairs," she responded.
You heard the door close and Desiree said, "Before I leave, I want to ask you something." You asked, "What is it?" She pulled you in for a hug and asked, "Are you ok?"
Fuck.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be ok?" you mumbled. Desiree sighed, pulling away from the hug, placing her hands on your shoulders and looking into your eyes, "Because I know you, Y/N and I can tell when you aren't doing ok, so please don't lie to me."
You sighed, tilting your head up and closing your eyes, trying to stop any tears from falling. "I--I can't stop playing that day at the hospital in my head. I haven't thought about it since I left the hospital and I'm not saying that it's Spencer's fault, but he brought up the day I was shot three weeks ago after he had a panic attack. And ever since then, I wake up in the middle of the night covered in sweat and breathing frantically. Every time I close my eyes that day plays in my head on repeat. I started seeing my therapist again and every single time she asks me to explain to her what happened that day, I--I can't seem to say anything. Spencer also started seeing a therapist and he's already been cleared to go back to work, whereas I haven't been able to say a fucking word to my therapist."
Desiree pulled you in for a hug again, running her hands up and down your back slowly as she let you cry in her arms. "Y/N, I know you think this isn't going to help, but you should talk to Spencer about this. He knows more than I do. I can't say I know what you are feeling because I don't and I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I wish you would've told me something sooner, but you've always been like this, you like to bottle up all of your emotions and try to make others around you happy while you struggle. When you get home, I want you to talk to Spencer."
"He's working on a case right now," you whimpered. Desiree shook her head, "Honey, I know that you may think that that is more important than you right now, but it isn't. Spencer isn't the only one working the case, his entire team is. So, go home and tell him you want to talk. You will probably sit there in silence for a while, but as time passes, you will eventually say something. And I know this because that's what you did with me. You sat in silence before you finally told me everything."
You tears fell harder, clutching onto her, you sobbed, "T-Thank you."
"You're welcome," Desiree consoled.
After she let you cry in her arms, you eventually pulled away, wiping your own tears and flashing her a smile. "Ready to go?" she asked, extending her hand waiting for you to take it. You hummed in response, grabbing a hold of her hand and walking out of the apartment with her.
Once you both made it downstairs, she walked you to your car, giving you a final hug, "Are you ok to drive home?" she asked. "Yeah, I'm ok," you nodded against her neck. "If you ever feel like you want to talk, don't be afraid to call me, Y/N," Desiree continued. "Same goes for you," you mumbled. Desiree pulled away, flashing you a smile, and letting you get into your car. You slid in, turning your car on, and rolling down your windows to say something to Desiree. "Wishing you the best with everything," you beamed.
Desiree smiled wholeheartedly, "Thank you."
She moved away from your car, letting you drive out of your parking spot, and just before you drove away, you waved at her with a smile on your face. Desiree waved back, mouthing the words, "I love you."
You drove out of the parking garage, driving directly on the main street and in the direction of the highway entrance. You didn't play any music while you drove, you drove in complete silence while thinking of Desiree's words. You knew she was right, you needed to talk to Spencer.
Let's see how long it actually takes you to actually say something to him.
_
When you arrived at the apartment, you pulled into the parking garage, quickly parking next to Spencer's car. You turned your car off, took your seatbelt off and grabbed your purse from the passenger seat, exiting the car, and walking straight to the elevator. Once the doors opened, you stepped in, allowing the other few people on and waiting for them to push their floor numbers and for the doors to close.
When the doors opened on your floor, you stepped off the elevator and walked straight towards your door. You pulled out your keys from your purse, unlocking the door, twisting the doorknob, opening the door and walking inside. Setting your keys and purse on the small table by the door, you took off your shoes and walked into the kitchen. You opened the fridge, grabbing a water bottle, opening it and taking a few sips before you walked towards Spencer's office.
As you neared his office, you could hear his voice, quickly assuming he was on the phone with someone from the team, so you knocked softly on the door. When you didn't get a response from him, you slowly opened the door, seeing him seated at his desk with his phone against his ear and his eyes on the numerous files he had spread out.
Spencer teared his gaze from the files, seeing you walk in and a smile appeared on his face. "Let me call you back, Emily," he said before he hung up his phone and set it down on his desk. He stood from his chair walking towards you where you stood by the door. "Hey, baby," Spencer smiled as he wrapped his arms around you and pressed a small kiss on your forehead.
"Hey, babe. I'm not interrupting you?" you asked as you interlock your fingers behind his neck, playing with his hair at the nape of his neck. He shook his head, kissing your cheek and pulling away to look at you, "No, you're fine. The team is just about done with the case and Emily was just filling me in right now." You smiled softly, "So does that mean you're not gonna be busy tonight and actually come to bed with me at the same time?"
Spencer stared down at you, before leaning down to press a chaste kiss on your lips, "Yeah it does," he muttered against your lips. "Good," you smiled before pulling away from his embrace and turning on your feet to exit his office, but he is quick to stop you. Spencer pulled you back into him, colliding his lips onto yours for a heated kiss. "Where are you going?"
You giggled, "I was gonna get started with dinner," you answered, lips brushing against his. He bit down on your bottom lip, "That can wait," he whispered, while trailing his lips down your neck. As much as this felt amazing, you weren't in the mood for what he had planned.
"Babe, I think this can wait," you said while pulling away from him. "I've had a really long day and haven't eaten anything, so can I just get started with dinner?" Spencer nodded, "Yeah of course. I'm sorry about that. Do you want me to help you? Since you're tired," he asked. You shook your head, "No, it's fine I can do it. Plus, you have to call Emily back. You do what you have to do and I'll come and get you when dinner is ready," you answered before pressing a chaste kiss on his lips, then walking out and closing the door behind you.
Once you made it into the kitchen, you leaned against the counter, running your fingers through your hair and mentally cussing yourself out. You wanted to say something as soon as he told you that he and his team were done with the case, but then that stupid fucking voice in your head appeared telling you that it could wait and you didn't want to bother him. And then his lips were on yours. It was clear as ever to you that he wanted a quickie.
The last time you guys did have sex was the day you were cleared. That was three weeks ago and that's because he's been busy helping with the case and you've been going to therapy and haven't been in the mood to have sex because of the way you were feeling. So of course, when he continued to kiss you, you pulled away and gave him an excuse. And Spencer would never or has ever forced you to do something, you knew that if you told him that you weren't in the mood, he'd stop. And that was exactly what he did.
Pulling yourself together, you let out a deep sigh, pushing yourself from the counter and walking straight to the fridge. You really weren't sure what you wanted to have for dinner and you really didn't want to go back into Spencer's office because you know that he'll most likely suggest take out, but you wanted to cook something tonight. So, after minutes of staring blankly at the fridge and pantry, you settled on cooking sesame chicken, rice, and steamed veggies.
You grabbed all the ingredients and pots and pans you were going to use, pulling your phone out from your pocket and playing music. Hopefully cooking and music can help keep your mind off all of the thoughts you're having.
_
"Babe, dinner is ready," you spoke softly as you walked into Spencer's office.
Spencer looked up from the book in his hands, seeing you standing by the door with your hands at your side. He closed the book, setting it down on top of his desk and standing from his chair, walking towards you. "What did you make for dinner, sweetheart?"
You smile softly, "Just some sesame chicken with rice and steamed veggies. Nothing too fancy. Come on, I don't want the food to get cold." You turned on your feet, feeling Spencer place his hands just above your waist and following behind you. He leaned down to press a small kiss on your cheek, "That sounds amazing, love."
When you both made it into the kitchen, Spencer released you from his embrace, and you grabbed his plate from beside the counter and handed it to him. "Thank you, love." He took the plate from you and walked to the table, taking his usual seat. You grabbed your plate, walking over to the table, setting your plate down and going back into the kitchen. "Spence, what do you want to drink?"
"Iced tea is fine," he answered.
You opened the fridge, taking out the bottle of iced tea and getting two cups from the cabinet and serving the both of you. After putting the iced tea away, you took both cups and walked back over to the table, handing Spencer his glass, then taking a seat beside him at the table.
While you guys ate, you made small conversation. You didn't want to bring up anything that happened at Desiree's before she left until you were ready. Which you clearly are because you opened up to her about everything, so why is it so hard for you to say something to Spencer and your therapist.
"Is the team on their way back already or were they planning on staying for the night?" you asked. Spencer took a sip from his drink, setting the glass down and answering, "I'm not too sure. Emily didn't tell me, but they might have decided to come back. When cases last this long, the first thing we want to do is get home and sleep in our own beds and be with those we love," he said while smiling at you.
"You're going back to work next Monday right?" you asked. Spencer nodded, "Yeah, but Emily did tell me that if they do get another case before that, I can go in earlier. I also spoke with the program I teach at the University and they said I can continue teaching after every 100 days I spend in the field." You fake a smile, mumbling out, "That's great, Spence."
He furrowed his eyebrows, "Why do you ask?" You stood from your chair, picking up your half eaten plate and taking it to the sink. "You know what, I'm really tired and I have this headache that won't go away. Can you clean up the kitchen and put away the leftovers?" Spencer stands from his chair, grabbing a hold of your wrist, turning you to face him. "You didn't even finish eating, Y/N. You said you were hungry because you hadn't eaten all day and now after I ask you a question, you don't want to answer it, so you say that you're tired and that you have a headache. What's wrong?"
You shook your head, closing your eyes and pulling away from his grip on your wrist. "Nothing is wrong, now can you please leave me alone for like five minutes and not ask me any questions that I don't want to answer!" you shouted. Spencer let you walk away, but a few seconds later he shouted, "There is clearly something wrong because you're fucking yelling at me for being concerned about you." You turned around to face him, seeing the hurt on his face and you're the one to blame for it.
"I'm sorry, Spencer," you whispered before you turned back around and walked straight into the bedroom, shutting the door behind you.
You press your back against the door letting out a deep sigh, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" you muttered to yourself. You walked over to the bed, grabbing a blanket from the basket at the foot of the bed and crawling on top. Instead of laying on your side of the bed, you laid on Spencer's and clutched onto his pillow taking in his scent that still lingered from the previous nights.
You were so tired, wanting to get some sleep, but you couldn't close your eyes. The fear of seeing all of that day all over again was enough to keep you from falling asleep. Desiree's words from earlier today played in your head, along with the thoughts you were having. The sounds of the dishes hitting others in the sink were loud enough to be heard in the bedroom, along with the fridge doors being open then closed.
Fuck this, you needed something to calm you down.
You removed the blanket from around your body, pushing Spencer's pillow to the side and getting off from the bed. You walked over to your vanity, opening the drawers, rummaging through everything you had in there until you found what you were looking for.
Grabbing the blanket from the bed, you walked over to the door that led out to the small patio you guys had, and opened the door and walked out. You set down the small box you held in your hands on the table, taking a seat in the chair and wrapping the blanket around your body. You reached forward for the box, setting it down on your lap and removing the lid.
You reached into the box, pulling out your lighter, grinder, indica, filters and rolling papers. You've been avoiding smoking for quite some time now, but right at this moment, you really needed it to relax. Quickly grinding up the indica, you sprinkled some on the rolling paper, rolling the joint and making sure it was secure, then adding the filter and flicked it on.
You bring the joint up to your lips, holding it between your pointer and ring finger, inhaling and then exhaling after ten to fifteen seconds. Looking up as you exhale, you see the plumes of smoke disappear into the night sky. After a few hits from the joint, you felt yourself slowly start to relax. A sigh of relief leaves past your lips, along with a puff of smoke.
"Y/N?"
You peek through the window seeing Spencer walk into the bedroom. He removes his jacket, placing it on the edge of the bed, looking around the bedroom for you. You continue to take small hits from your joint, while watching Spencer walk around the room in search of you. Spencer unbuttons his shirt, removing it and putting on a t-shirt, then unbuttoning his pants, then removing them and putting on a pair of sweatpants.
As he bends down to pick up his clothes off of the floor, he catches your eyes through the sheer curtains. A plume of smoke leaves your lips along with a small cough. Spencer shook his head, tearing his gaze from you as he picked up his clothes and tossed them into the hamper before walking outside.
"Really?"
You shook your head, taking another hit from your joint, inhaling and exhaling as Spencer stared down at you. "I don't want to hear it, Spence. Please, not right now," you pleaded. He scoffed, taking a seat in the chair beside you. "You'd rather sit out in the cold and get high than talk to me about what's going on," he continued.
Remaining silent, you lean your head back in the chair, staring up at the night sky, watching as the smoke that left your lips would disappear into the air. "Y/N?" You ignore Spencer, closing your eyes as you bring the joint back up to your lips, inhaling and then exhaling, hearing him sigh beside you. "I know you don't want to hear what I have to say, but this isn't gonna help you solve your problems." You opened your eyes , slightly turning your head to see him gesturing to the joint in between your fingers and the box on the table.
Spencer stared into your eyes, "We've had this conversation before—," he started, but you were quick to cut him off. "Please, Spencer stop," you pleaded. He eventually gave up trying to talk to you and instead of him going back inside, he stayed seated in the chair beside you watching as your eyes turned red and remained half open.
As you hit the last few drags of your joint, you leaned forward, placing the small piece of the joint on the ashtray and leaned back in your chair with your arms crossed around your body. Closing your eyes and tilting your head back on the chair, you feel as if you were floating. There were no images of that day, no screams, and no negative thoughts. All you could hear was your breathing and heartbeat, Spencer's soft breathing beside you and the sounds of the cars driving late at night.
A few minutes pass and you feel a soft touch on your leg. You slowly open your eyes, turning your head to the side, making eye contact with Spencer, before your eyes make their way down to where his hand was on your leg. "Talk to me. Tell me what's going on. I want to help you, Y/N, but I can't do anything without knowing what's wrong."
The pleading look in his eyes and the sincere look he has on his face, along with his words are enough to bring tears to your eyes. "I'm sorry," you sobbed. "I'm sorry for yelling at you and for shutting you out. There has just been a lot going on in my head and I don't know how to stop it. I didn't know how to tell you and you've been so busy with work and I just didn't want to bother you," you explained through your cries.
Spencer moved his hand from your leg to your hand where it rested on the arm rest of the chair. You looked down at his hand on top of yours, then brought your eyes to him. He gave you a soft smile, along with a small squeeze on your hand, "Come here," he whispered.
You stood from your chair, keeping the blanket wrapped around your body and taking a seat on Spencer's lap. Leaning your head back on his shoulder, he pressed a small kiss on your cheek and asked again, "Tell me what's going on?" You sighed, feeling tears continuing to fall down your face, "There is so much going on."
Spencer wrapped his arms around your body, interlocking his hands around your stomach, adjusting himself in the chair and saying, "And I'm here to listen to you, my love."
His words made your tears fall faster.
"Honey, you need to calm down first. I'm not going to be able to understand you if you keep crying," Spencer consoled while wiping the tears off your face with his thumbs.
You sniffled, "I-I haven't been able to s-say a single word to Dr. Suarez ever since my sessions started. We just sit in silence becuasue I can't answer a single fucking questions she asks me. Today was the exact same as the last sessions, I didn't say anything. She told me that I'm blocking out what happened at the hospital and I know she's right, because I haven't thought about it since. And I don't want it to sound like I'm blaming you, but when you brought it up three weeks ago all those memories came to me. Shit--its fucking cold, can we go inside?"
Spencer nodded, moving one arm under your legs and the other around your back, then stood up and carried you inside. You wrapped your arms around his neck as he walked back into the bedroom with your head in the crook of his neck. He closed the door behind him, then walked towards the bed. Spencer held onto you as he removed his slippers, then sat on the bed to have his back against the headboard with you still in his arms.
Instead of you crawling off of him to lay beside him, you decided to stay, so you laid your head on his chest, letting out a deep breath before continuing what you wanted to say. "I talked to Desiree before I got home. She was so quick to notice that something was wrong," you whimper. Spencer sighed, "I'm sorry that I didn't notice as quickly as she did. I've been busy with helping the team with the case, but if you would've come to me sooner I would've dropped everything and helped you figure out what you're going through," he admitted.
You smile lightly, looking up at him, "I know you would've, Spence, but this is my fault because this is what I do. Instead of saying something, I bottle everything inside me and try to figure it out on my own, but I always fail. So, please, don't blame yourself," you cried.
He shook his head, "But you were struggling and I didn't---" You cut him off, "Don't do that. Do not blame yourself," you sternly said as he wiped the tears that fell down your cheeks. Spencer nodded, silently whispering 'I'm sorry' under his breath and letting you control your cries and waiting for you to continue speaking.
"I know that this is PTSD, but why didn't it happen right away? Why did it have to start two months after?" you sobbed into his chest, wrapping your arms around his torso and clinging onto him as if he were going to disappear. "E-Everything was going back to normal. I-I got cleared and I-I was able to do things I hadn't been able to and then this happens. Why? Why can't I be happy and move on? Why m-me?"
As you whimpered in Spencer's arms, he slowly ran his hand up and down your back, holding back his own cries as the woman he loved broke down. You sobbed, holding onto Spencer's t-shirt, "I don't w-want to feel like this anymore. P-Please help me," you begged.
"I know, honey. Whatever it is you are going through I will help and I promise that. And what you were experiencing before was compartmentalization and dissociation. Remember when you dissociated after your incident?" Spencer responded. You nodded against his chest, remembering that moment from months ago. "T-that's what's happening?"
He hummed in response, "Yes, sweetheart. Compartmentalization is a defense mechanism where someone suppresses their thoughts. And dissociation is a lack of continuity between your thoughts, memories, surroundings, actions, and identity." You nodded against him, "Yeah, I remember when you explained dissociation to me. I never knew about compartmentalization though."
"What you went through was very traumatic. You lost friends, seen things you had never seen before and were shot multiple times. It will take some time to recover from, but Dr. Suarez will help you every step of the way along with myself. I'm here for you and will always be here. No matter how many times you yell at me, tell me to go away, I will still be here by your side to take care of you, hear what you have to say and love you," Spencer said honestly, letting the tears that he was holding back fall.
Your tears continued to fall along with Spencer's. His embrace tightened around you, as did yours. "E-Everything is going to be ok. I'm here for you, sweetheart. I love you so much. Don't you forget that," he sobbed.
Slowly pulling away from his chest, you sniffled, now facing him. You smiled softly as you reached up to wipe his tears that fell. Spencer smiled lightly, turning his head slightly to the side to press a small kiss on your wrist . "T-Thank you so much, Spence. For everything. And I know you hate when I say this, but I love you too."
Spencer chuckled, making you chuckle as well.
You adjusted yourself to be laying beside Spencer in bed. He pulled the covers over the both of you, pulling you close to his body and cuddling you from behind making you the little spoon. He pressed a kiss to the back of your head, "I will let it slide just this once, but thank you for telling me how you were feeling and what was going on. I am going to go with you for your next session with Dr. Suarez on Wednesday. You'll be ok, baby," Spencer reassured.
"But what if Emily calls you in early?" you asked curiously.
Spencer shook his head in the crook of your neck, "I just won't go. They will be fine without me for a few more days. Plus, I don't have to go back in until next Monday," he explained. You sighed in relief, "Thank you." Spencer chuckled, pressing his lips on your cheek, "You're welcome. How about we get some sleep, my love?" he suggested.
You shook your head, "Not just yet. I want to stay like this. We don't have to talk, we can just lay in silence," you whispered. Spencer smiled, "We can do whatever you want, but--you're high so you'll probably fall asleep within ten minutes, love." You giggled, "Y-Yeah you're right...I'm sorry again for taking so long to tell you how I was feeling. I think I just needed to try and process everything alone, but that obviously didn't work. So, I did something I haven't done in a while, but there was also a small piece of me that wanted to self harm again," you said honestly.
Spencer tightened his hold around you, "I'm so proud that you didn't, love," he whispered. You smiled, feeling tears slowly fall from your eyes, "I'm proud of myself. I've been clean for more than seven months, but I wanted to do it so badly, so I decided to smoke instead. I know you're not a big fan of it, but I needed something to help me relax and take my mind off of everything and I know you were trying to get answers out of me earlier and I kept shutting you down. I'm sorry for that," you whimpered.
Spencer rubbed his thumb along your skin on your stomach, whispering sweet affirmations into your ear, "It's ok, love. Everything is going to be ok. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere."
Within a few minutes, Spencer helped you calm down. He ran his thumbs along your skin, pressing small kisses on your skin, whispering sweet affirmations and helping you control your breathing. You had already closed your eyes, but you hadn't fallen asleep just yet. "I love you, Spencer," you whispered softly.
"Get some sleep, my love. I will be here when you wake up," Spencer whispered as he noticed that you were slowly falling asleep in his arms.
"Promise?"
Spencer kissed you on your cheek, "I promise, my love."
_________
♡ Author's Note ♡
Hello my loves!! I am finally giving you all an update!!
Let me explain a few things. I've been so busy with school and haven't had as much time to write as I would like. I recently got a job, so that takes up so much of my time, so whenever I get home, I do homework, eat, shower and go straight to bed because I'm so exhausted. But, I made some time throughout my days to finish this chapter and it's not as long as I would like it to be, but I thought it would be interesting to read about Y/N having a bad day and Spencer having to comfort her.
What did you think about this chapter? Is there something that should be mentioned in the content warnings at the beginning? Please let me know if I missed something.
*I would like to let you know that the next chapter will be a month's time jump and I don't want it to seem that I'm ignoring Y/N's trauma because I am not, it is just a lot to write. So, in the next chapter Y/N will be doing a lot better because she's going to therapy and being more open about how she is feeling. Please understand where I am coming from. ♡ *
That was all I had to inform you and please be patient with me for the next chapter. I am not sure when it will be published, but just know that I am very busy and write whenever I have time. I want to finish writing this book, so I can start the next two books I have planned for you all to read. (Safe) and a Chip Taylor fanfic I still don't have a name for.
Thank you for reading, voting, commenting, and for 208K overall reads!! Make sure to comment, I enjoy reading all of them.
See you all in the next chapter.
Love you all
xoxo
-Destiny ♡