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Day 3
At this point I'm going fucking insane, I don't know how much longer I can do this. I can't sleep without thinking of her, every thought is filled with her and I'm going mad. I just wanna see her, I just wanna kiss her one last time. Just to tell her I love her from a distance would be enough.
I actually came to school today in hopes of seeing her, I wouldn't have approached her but I just wanted to see her. I wouldn't talk to her but I just need to see her, I want to hear her voice. I wish this didn't hurt so bad, I wish moving forward didn't hurt so bad. I know that this is best for her but it's definitely isn't the best for me.
...
"Ok class, remember that since majority of you are seniors that this is your last chance to earn extra credit towards your English grade because this is your last class, your report on 1980s is due at midnight tomorrow. Have a good rest of your day."
Everyone stands up and starts to leave, I grab my books before I leave the class. I walk into the hallway and immediately look for Tessa, she's not here.
I need to stop looking for her, I need to move on. Waiting for her to turn up isn't moving on, I need to take charge.
I suddenly see another blond walking down the hall, I think she's in my English class. Maybe that's what I need, a rebound so I can start to forget about Tessa. A one night stand is just what I need, I need a meaningless fuck so I can pull myself together. She's fucking Brian so there's no need to feel guilty at all, we aren't together anymore.
I take a breath before I walk up to the blond, she's walking with two other girls.
"Anna?" I call out.
She turns around and her blue eyes meet mine, she stops walking and looks at her two friends before she looks back at me. She looks nothing like Tessa.
"Yeah?" She answers.
"Do you have a minute?" I ask.
Why is this so fucking awkward.
Her friends smile at her and whisper something before they leave and we are left alone, she nervously looks down at her feet before she looks up at me.
"Did you need the English answers for the assignment we have due?" She says in a shaky voice.
"No, I.............I was wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out, tonight."
God I'm already regretting this.
"Uh.......sure. What do you wanna do?"
"How about I just come over to your place." I tell her.
"Ok, but I live in the dorms. But I can get my roommate to leave, she's usually at her girlfriends apartment anyway." She rambles.
Gosh she's annoying.
"Ok, I'll meet you there at 8pm."
"Ok, it's building C room C22."
"Ok."
I begin to walk away.
"Do you need my number." She asks frantically.
I roll my eyes before I turn around, I'm never gonna see her after tonight so I don't really need her number.
"Sure, why not. Who knows I might get lost." I say sarcastically.
She faintly smiles before she hands me a sliver of paper, I hesitantly reach for it. I feel so fucking guilty. I quickly shove it in my pocket.
I hope Anna knows this is just sex.
"I'll see you tonight." She says softly before she disappears into a classroom.
"Christ." I say under my breath.
I walk back to my car and just sit in it for a while.
...
Eventually I drive back to the house and shower, I contemplate weather I'm actually gonna do this.
I slip a condom in my pocket before I grab my keys and drive over to campus.
...
I find her building and park outside.
"What the fuck am I doing."
It's fine, I was able to have hook ups just fine before, this is no different. Go in, fuck her. Leave.
Easy enough.
I can do this.
I get out of my car and walk inside, I find the dorm and lightly knock on the door. Seconds later she opens the door, I walk inside and look around. She shuts the door before she sits on the edge of her bed.
I look at the opposite side of room and see that it's a mess compared to her side.
She looks up at me.
"So? You want to watch a movie? Or do you just want to get straight into the sex?"
I'm shocked by her statement.
"Sex, I don't do the mushy shit."
She nobs her head before she stands up and pulls her hoodie over her head and tosses it on the floor. I look up and see she's wearing a simple black bra, her boobs aren't very big and she's clearly wearing a push up bra. She moves her blond almost brown hair out of her face before she slowly walks towards me.
She leans into kiss me, when her lips touch mine the guilt took me over and the urge to vomit hits me. She tries to place her hands on my chest but I stop her and gently grab her wrists and pull myself away from her.
I look around the room, hot pink bed sheets, unicorn slippers and a rainbow robe.
"You've had sex before, right?" I ask.
She turns a pail shade of pink.
"No........but I've done other stuff like......kissing."
She's a virgin, of course. How fucking ironic.
"It's ok, we can still have sex. I know what to do."
I knew this was a mistake.
"No, we can't. You deserve to do it with someone you care about and how cares about you. I'm not good enough to take that from you, this was a mistake. I'm sorry."
I quickly turn around and open the door, I walk down the hall and pull at my hair. What the fuck am I doing? I tried to fill the void with someone else, but I'll never be able to do that. I'm tired of this breakup, I don't want this anymore. Breaking up was a mistake, this is all a huge mistake. I don't know why I thought that this was good idea.
And now I'm too late, shes moved on.
What the hell am I gonna do now, I've made the biggest mistake of my life and now..............she'll never take me back, I've asked for forgiveness too many times and now............I'm not sure I can fix this one.
...
I get back in my car and repeatedly slam my hands on the steering wheel.
...
I have to do whatever I can to get her back, this time I won't be stupid, this time I'll take care of her and I'll treat her right, I won't hurt her.
This time things will work out, I just need one more chance.
I just hope she still loves me.