Thank you for your lovely votes and comments on the previous chapter❤
Dear Diary
I am so scared right now
Everything happening around me is giving the hell negative vibes and I am unable to take it
Though I have chosen the option of love, the horrifying feeling called fear is tormenting me again
Fear..it's something that kills me again and again
It's nothing but a small size death to me
And I don't want this feeling
I don't want to get scared
Because Abu said when we are scared we are pulled from life and until and unless we free ourselves from the fearful past we won't experience love
And I am truly making efforts to get rid off of the things that pulls me back to the past
Because I want to experience love
I want to experience the beauty of life
Life is offering so many wonderful things to me...I want to enjoy all those things to my heart content
But then again whatever is happening right now is scaring me so much
Sona did so much to make my birthday super special
I can't write in words how I felt that day...and even if I put it in words it would be nothing
But to make everything possible she got hurt and that clenched my heart
And how can I forget Maa-Baba...they think I don't know anything but I know that every year they go to orphanage and old age home...offer them a meal and donate clothes, books, saplings and money to the trusts
Maa visits the temple and does Abhishekam in my name and offers food and clothes to the beggars
As usual in the early morning, I got their messages and at the office, I had a delicious meal sent by Maa
I wish they both could have been with me at the birthday celebration but Baba was feeling a bit tired so it couldn't happen
I missed them a lot...
Especially Baba...when I saw all those pictures my heart screamed to hug him tight and cry his arms like a baby...
Champ wanted to weep on your shoulder Baba
Your champ missed you
We just have a communication gap but the love is still strong as ever...hai na Baba??
It was the best birthday ever
Though it was a super-duper happy day it was the most scariest too
When there was no information about her for the whole day, I felt like my life has come to an end
And Baba's health intensified my fear to the next level...
The day before my birthday when Sona was busy with the preparation I got a call from Baba's Doctor...I visited him and he informed me about Baba's monthly health reports
Nowadays, Baba is not doing well...he already had an angioplasty and now there are constant Bp fluctuations too
I was scared to death...
Sona was missing and Baba's worsening health was provoking the fear within me for yet another time
The day when Maa left me was flashing my eyes and I was mechanically dead at that moment
Sona and Baba are my strength of pillars and if something happens to them I can not survive even for a second
I was fighting with my inner demons who were haunting me so badly that I can't even describe
All the while when Sona and Baba were not doing well I was ranting only one thing to myself...nothing bad is going to happen...Baba and Sona are not leaving you..
I kept reciting Baba's words...stay strong my champ you are a fighter
Though I was physically away from him mentally he was always with me...
My hero was always with me
Later thankfully Baba was doing quite better but Sona had a high fever
The whole night my entire body was sweating and my hands were shivering to touch her
Lying on the bed she was burning with high fever and seeing her in that state unwillingly I was drifted to the day when Maa was lying on the bed lifelessly
I was surrounded by many horrible thoughts...
Maa left me in the same way when she was sleeping and what if Sona...the thought itself shattered me
But I decided to fight..."I won't let my Sona go away from me...no one can separate us" saying I composed myself
And gathering the entire earth size courage I put cold napkins on her forehead
When Sushanth spoke about the injection I yelled at him saying a clear no...
I can't see the needle piercing into her body...it again reminds me of her cries at the time of the ear-piercing ceremony and the blood on her ears reminds me of the blood-stained face of Maa
I just can't face it
That night I didn't even blink my eyes...I was scared as hell
But Sona's presence gave me the strength to fight with my fear...
I fought really hard
And now all is good
Baba and Sona both are fine...
And I don't want anything else...
But all of sudden Baba's meeting with Sona and his painful words made me take one more step....
It's high time to move on
As Baba said champ is a fighter and I must not get scared instead I must defeat my fear with extreme braveness
And when I have my people around me there's no place for any fear to linger in my life and ruin my peace by any means
And most importantly, I am going to apologise to Maa-Baba for my behaviour
Sona asked me to forgive Baba...but who I am to forgive him because parents are supposed to forgive kids
Maa-Baba are supposed to forgive me
Especially Maa...
What was her fault??
As a kid, I couldn't understand anything but now I realise how much she did for me
She got married to Baba only because of me...she had a bright future ahead...she could have married any other man and live happily but she chose to be my mother
The more I was trying to move away from her, the more she moved close to me with her love
Maa-Baba did everything for me
But I failed as a Son....when they needed me I was never there for them...
I never took care of them...
Maa-Baba did something that I didn't like but they must have had their own reasons that back then as a kid I didn't understand and behaved in a very rude way
But when I was matured enough to know the things the seed of fear was pierced so deep that I couldn't take a step towards them...
I was still scared to lose my loved ones and masked up the emotion called fake anger
All these years I have been successful in this
But now there's no need to mask up any fake emotion
Finally, my parents will be back to me
I'll ask them to shift here...
I am going to appoint a fitness trainer for them because very soon they'll be becoming Grand Parents so they need to make their bodies strong
As Aarna is my blood she will be the naughtiest yet cutest so they need to make their muscles and bones stronger to run after her
And will ask Aaru to work out more as Aarna will be doing horse riding on his back for the whole day
And I'll be busy with my wife
I'll be having a happy life with my family...
But still a small tint of fear is still hidden somewhere deep inside me and unnecessarily I yelled at Sona...
I didn't want her to leave me even for a single second and for that I clutched her hand so tight to my chest and the moment I felt her going away from me I was so scared as hell and yelled at her
But she embraced me and I was at peace again...
Her presence next to me is my actual strength
And cuddling into her I slept on her chest like a baby
Actually, I am her baby
Tomorrow there's a Pooja at home
And I am a little nervous to face my parents after many years
But at the same time, I am happy too
Falling on their feet I want to apologise and cry my heart out...
I want to tell them how much Arjun missed his Maa- Baba
Hope everything goes well tomorrow
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The diary ends here❤