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DAY 1
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I wake up feeling just as shitty as the day before, I feel terrible after what I did. I heard her vulnerability through the phone and I couldn't say anything back to her, I needed to hang up. She needs to move on, this is what we need.............right? I miss so her so fucking much, I just wanna kiss her and fuck her until she forgives me. Gosh I just miss her so damn much, I forgot how awful it is to be without her.
I get up and stretch before I head towards the door to leave the room, I immediately stop and remember I'm not wearing a shirt. I reach for the last shirt I have that she wore and slip it on, I've been wearing this since yesterday.
I unlock the door and close it behind me before I walk downstairs and head towards the kitchen, I walk inside and see Jane's annoying ass smile.
"Good morning Hardin, I hope you slept well." She says cheerfully.
She's way too fucking happy this early in the morning.
I walk past her and fill a mug with coffee.
"So, Becca and Clifford are coming over next week and I was thinking about having a family dinner. Michael and I will cook and I thought that maybe you could invite Tessa and we could intr.............."
"No Jane, you and Michael and Clifford and Becca aren't my family. I don't wanna eat dinner and you're not meeting Tessa, I already told you this so just drop it. I'm only staying here till I get my own place, just stay out of my way."
"I know but I thought..."
"You though wrong, you're not my Mum. Stop trying to be someone you aren't." I snap at her.
I finish the last of my coffee and leave the mug on the counter before I storm out of the kitchen, I walk upstairs and walk into my room. I lock the door behind me before I sit on the edge of the bed, I reach for my phone and hover my finger over the number that called me yesterday. I didn't know she got a new phone, she sounded so destroyed over the phone and I wasn't strong enough to talk to her. I knew that if I told her that I loved her that she would convince me to come home, I wouldn't be about to reject her. I'm not strong without her, she has too much control over me and it's already difficult enough to stay away from her.
I didn't wanna end things, god the things we would be doing right now if I was with her. But it's even about the mind blowing sex we would be having right now, it's the fact that I would just be happy to be with her. I was so fine with being alone before but now, I hate it.
I put my phone down and lay back on the bed.
I have work and school but I'm just doing everything from home, I can't see her. If I see her I won't be able to resist, I'll run to her and I'll tell her......no I'll beg her to take me back.
I know this back and forth is harmful and it's not healthy but my emotions and feelings are much to strong for me to handle, I love her...at this point I think everyone knows I love her except her. I gravitate towards her and I just, I need her. I just hope she understands that I did this because I love her, not because I don't.
I just, I hate myself more than ever.
All I want is her, she's all ill ever need. I know I said that we were over but we never will be, I'll love her forever and I hope she'll love me forever. I know it's selfish to hope she doesn't get with another guys but I won't survive it, just to think about someone else seeing her naked, someone touching her, being inside her........I just can't.
...
I decided to go out because if I stayed in that house I was going to kill Michael with my bare fucking hands.
I drive around the city hoping to catch a glimpse of her so I could call it a coincidence, I'm not quite sure where I'm going. I just needed to clear my head and driving is my escape, I had my book signing today but I canceled it. I feel awful and I'm in no mood to wear my fake smile and pretend like I'm ok when really all I wanna do it crawl back on all fours and beg my angel for another spot in heaven.
God I'm pathetic.
...
After driving around our apartment complex for the fifth time I decide that this is insane, while I'm pulling away to leave I notice that a blue car pulls into my parking spot. Who did she invite over?
I pull up next to the curb and park my car, I watch as the car door opens and that fucking asshole Brian gets out. My heart drops and my mouth goes dry as I see him holding a suitcase, why is he bringing clothes over to OUR apartment! He locks the car before he opens the door and vanishes into the apartment.
My chest tightens and I can't breathe, my hands are shaky and my lip trembles as I envision all the awful things they are doing together. His hands touching her, him kissing her and lacing his fingers in her hair, her eyes rolling back as he.......before I can even finish the thought I get nauseous, I open my car door and throw up on the side of the road. I start coughing and choking, I mange to wipe my mouth with a napkin before I leave the car and start walking upstairs.
I get to our front door and I can hear their laughs through the door, she's never laughed like this before.
"Brian that's not funny, you need to put clothes on." She giggles.
I'm gonna be sick again.
I lean my ear against the door to hear better.
"Come on Goldilocks you know you like me better this way." Brian teases.
They both start laughing uncontrollably.
"Take it off Brian, I swear I'm gonna pee my pants. Let's just go to the bedroom, I have a few things in there that will help." She says.
"Hopefully, this is really tight. It's squeezing me in places I rather not be smushed." He chuckles.
Their laughs become distant as they walk into the room, I close my eyes and tears stream down my face. I slide my back down the door and quietly sob, how has she moved on so fast. Why isn't she miserable like me? Has she been with him this whole time..............I just..........I can't do this.
I pull myself up and leave as fast as possible, I can't be here anymore. It's taking everything in me to to storm in there and break his fucking face.
I broke up with her, she..............she can sleep with whoever she wants. I just didn't think she'd move on so fast. That she would have sex with someone else so fast.
...
I drive down the road as fast as I can,
I don't know where I'm going but I need to get far away.